The Vine: August 26, 2003
Sars,
I don’t have a huge drama-scene problem. But I’ve got things that have been turning over and over in my head, and it seems like they’re all coming to a head at once, so I could use some advice. I think somehow they’re sort of all connected.
I’m 25. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. We met overseas during a fabulous study-abroad semester in England — the best four months of my life — and have been pretty much inseparable since, during the rest of college and after, as much as possible, since we live and work in different states about an hour apart. He’s in Staten Island, I’m in western-central New Jersey. We both still live at home — although I am hoping to move out just as soon as I get a new job. His family is great; mine is fractured and dysfunctional (alcoholic mother, parents divorced while I was on study abroad and I haven’t spoken to her since) and I’ve been through therapy and all that. So, I’ve pretty much been spending weekends with him, at his house, and it is generally okay.
I’m in graduate school for communications, and this semester is much harder than I thought it would be — more to read, much more research and work, stricter professors, et cetera. Graduate school is an hour and a half away, in the Bronx.
The job (corporate public relations) I’ve had for the last two years is ending in a couple of months. I’ve been looking since October, but haven’t found anything yet, so I’m stressing. I’ve had a couple of job offers fall through at the last minute. It’s getting difficult to keep my chin up and all that other motivational crap. I think I’m optimistic by nature, but this is wearing me down. Money and job security are important to me because my family was/is very bad with money, and so it’s always been important for me to be different. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with myself, and I don’t seem to have A Calling in life. Just after college, that really depressed me for about six months. Now, I am making do with a workaday job.
The boyfriend and I have been having, for lack of another euphemism, differences of libido for a while now — maybe between six months and a year. He would love to have sex every day, and probably maybe even more. When we lived together at school, we did, and we were both very happy with our sex lives. But after graduation, we only see each other on the weekends. He’s a night person; I’m a morning person. It was down to Sunday afternoons. But more recently I’m just not interested. He’s being very understanding, but I know he isn’t happy with it, or satisfied, so I feel terribly guilty. Also, I miss wanting sex, myself.
He’s not in as good shape as he used to be, but that only bothers me a little bit. Honestly, the cliche is true; it’s not him, it’s me. When we met, I was in the best shape of my life. I was still a bit self-conscious and I certainly wouldn’t prance around in short shorts or anything, but I was working out all the time and I felt the best about myself I ever have. It was great. But we met on study abroad, and you tend to not keep a scheduled life then. And since then, buying into the whole Becoming A Corporate Drone thing has been anathema to me, so I am not as willing to regiment my life as I was back then. So, I went downhill, and I’ve tried a few times, but have never gotten that “I love working out, and I love the way I look” thing back. I go to the gym sporadically, but I eat really unhealthily; sugar is my drug of choice. I’ve gained maybe 15 pounds, plenty of body fat, and I feel terrible about myself. I’m at the point where if he goes to touch me, I don’t think about whether it feels good or not; I think about how gross I must be to feel. That’s not a big turn-on.
I’ve talked to him about this — we really do have great communication, I think — and of course, he says that is totally untrue, that I look fine, that he wants me to feel better about myself, that he loves me, and so forth.
I found a woman who is a counselor but specializes in weight issues. She seems very nice, and my insurance — for as long as I have this job, anyway (a few more months) — covers most of the cost. The problem is that she’s an hour away, and it’s just another demand on my time, when I already feel over-stretched. I explained this to her, and asked if she knew of anyone similar closer to me, and she said no. I think she’s right; I looked online a little. So I think I want to go to her, because I hate feeling this way about myself, but that’s another chunk of time I don’t have.
I am hoping that when I get a job, I can move out. I want to make everything in my life closer together, and moving out of my dad’s house would do that. It would get me closer to work, school, the boyfriend, even the friends I have very scant contact with, all of which I want very much. I want to have the experience of living alone, but financially I’ve also been considering having a roommate — maybe a friend, maybe the boyfriend. But that idea chafes, because as well as we get along, I don’t want to go right from living-at-home to living-with-someone.
The boyfriend and I had a chat about how I’m feeling sort of untethered right now, and how it’s difficult for me to deal with. He said that it seemed like I always knew what I didn’t want — I didn’t want to be unhappy, I didn’t want to be fat, et cetera — with the big one being, I didn’t want to be like my mother. But when it came to what I did want, he said, it didn’t sound like I knew what I wanted. That hit hard, and I’ve spent the last few days thinking about it, and I think it’s pretty dead on. I know what kind of job I don’t want, but I don’t have a dream job. I know things I don’t want out of life, but I haven’t got a picture of what I do want.
Now, I spent my lunch hour today with my boss, who is 32, married with a baby, and, like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. Now, I know nobody’s perfect, but she really is terribly nice and sort of big-sisterly. And we got on the topic of relationships, and she has this lovely fairy-tale “I knew the moment I met him” story to give me and all this “oh you just know when it is right” stuff.
And I’d been feeling unsure already, so every new word out of her mouth made me feel even more confused. Because if I have all these doubts, then how can that mean this is Right? And if it isn’t Right, then aren’t I just wasting my time? But considering the other stuff that is going on in my life, this doesn’t seem like the right time to make a decision like that. I really do love my boyfriend very much, and I can definitely see us together in the long-term, although it kind of freaks me out to think about that. We’ve talked about it a little, in indefinite dreamy cuddly kind of ways.
So I guess I have a few questions. One, how do you find a hiding libido? Two, what do you do when your self-esteem is nonexistent? Three, do you really “just know” whether someone is The One?
And four, how do you find a good, cheap apartment in New Jersey?
Signed,
Feeling sexless, homeless, jobless and friendless, although I know it’s not that bad and I should keep my chin up and tomorrow is another day and the sun will come out…blah, blah, blah
Dear Blah,
One: It depends on what’s causing the hiding libido. To me, it sounds like a combination of general life stress and the fact that, because of the scheduling constraints of your relationship at the moment, sex has started to feel like an obligation or an item on a to-do list. Relationships go through natural sexual cycles like that sometimes, and worrying that you haven’t “checked it off” much lately isn’t going to help, so try not to take the temperature of your sex life every five minutes.
Two: Counseling is a good idea, and I think you should stick with it even though it’s inconvenient. You might also consider starting a workout routine again; rebelling against the corporate lifestyle is kind of a silly reason not to do it, in the end. You don’t have to join a gym — just buy a yoga video or try to fit in a walk a few days a week. Instead of sitting around worrying about how you don’t do anything, start doing something.
Three: Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you think you do, and it turns out you thought wrong. I mean, good for your boss and everything, but she is not you; her life is not really relevant to yours. Comparing yourself to her, particularly at this juncture in your life, is counterproductive. Focus on yourself and what’s going on in your own life — whether your boyfriend makes you happy, where you see things going with him.
Four: Hell if I know. Get a broker.
Look, we all go through periods where everything in our lives is vaguely dissatisfying and change seems unmanageable and we can’t remember the last time we got through a whole day without wanting to kick something. It’s not the first time it’s happened to someone in her mid-twenties, and it’s not the last time it’s going to happen to you. But it ends eventually. You figure out what you want to do, or something happens — good or bad — in your romantic relationship, or you shift your schedule around, or you move, and things fall in line behind that one change, and you take it from there. The key is not to worry so much about worrying so much. Everything is off at the moment, and it’s maddening, but it’s not going to stay that way, so accept that you’re kind of unhappy and trust that you’re not going to stay that way forever.
Dear Sars,
I am a quiet, bookwormy, antisocial-tendency riddled, geek-tastic girl. I have been single pretty much all the time, so I have very little real dating experience. My role in life so far has been to be “friends” with all the guys, and since I’m a video-game-, RPG-, computer-game-playing freak, I fit in rather well that way. But that’s been rather unromantic. Until now.
I went on a road trip from Los Angeles to Canada over intersession, and developed feelings for a young man who went with. He was a friend of a friend, and at first we started out distant, but we seriously bonded on the trip, and afterwards he hunted down my phone number and began to call me (phone cards) on a fairly regular basis. He got me into his gaming group, he invites me up to play at his house frequently, and we see each other on the weekends every now and again, where he has shown a desire to be in my presence. Lately there has been some mild flirtation, some very appreciated physical contact, and other little stuff that makes me think that there might be feelings on his side too.
But I am a paranoid android, and Sars, tell me honestly, should I take these little things as signs to mean that he might like me too? Or should I just wait and see how things pan out?
I am afraid that what looks to me like a good prospect for a relationship looks to him like a fun little sister type to play D&D with and that’s it. What’s this singleton to do?
Scared and Unsure
Dear Unsure,
You already have waited to see how things pan out…and he’s probably doing the same thing on his end, and not getting any encouraging signals from you because you don’t know for sure what’s on his mind, but he doesn’t know what’s on yours either, blah blah blah vicious-circle-cakes.
Yes, generally speaking, it’s safe to say that he’s interested, but you should probably tip your hand to him a little more if you want to know for sure. If you really like the guy, show it — the worst-case scenario isn’t that he’s not interested. It’s that he is interested but he gives up hope because you waited around for a notarized document.
Take a deep breath, blow it out, phone him up, and ask him out.
Sars,
I am a very lucky girl. I have the cutest baby working the country today, a charming goofball husband, and a job that I love and am really good at. We have enough money to get by and get pizza occasionally and I have good friends. I must have sacrificed myself to save a busload of nuns in my past life because my karma has been great.
Because of the above blessings, my best friend — call her “S” — and I have drifted apart somewhat. Where I find my husband endearing, she finds him annoying, and she and babies don’t get along. We’re still friends, and I know S always has my back (and vice versa), but we don’t have as much in common as we used to. She likes to go out and drink and party, but this is tricky to do with a job, a husband, and a toddler. To be honest, that was never really my scene anyway. As such, we don’t spend as much time together as we used to. This is sad, but it happens. We see each other, though, because S is close to my mom and works for my dad. S has dinner with my parents at least once a week. I don’t really have a problem with this, as S’s family is screwy, she’s had a string of bad relationships, and is really down on herself lately. I think hanging with my parents gives her some comfort and stability.
Enter my little brother, call him “D.” D is recovering from a nasty little crystal meth habit. About six months ago he had the predictable paranoid breakdown, and then his boyfriend dumped him, he dropped out of school, wrecked his car, was evicted, and is currently living with Mom and Dad. D is “recovering” only because he lost his cell phone and his wheels and doesn’t have any connections in Mom and Dad’s neighborhood. While he seems much better, and has been clean for a while now, I worry that without rehab, it’s just a matter of time before he starts using again.
For the last three weeks or so, D and S have been going out to party together at least once or twice a week. This bothers me. Neither one of them is in a good mental place right now. D with the whole kind-of-recovering addict thing, and S with massive self-esteem issues. Just to be clear, I don’t have a problem with them hanging together; I just think that they could encourage self-destructive behaviors in each other. I know the two of them drink when they’re out together, and both of them have used recreational drugs in the past. While I don’t have a problem with people doing either of those things, I don’t think they’re the best thing for these two particular people right now.
I’ve told my mom that the whole thing bothers me, but she’s convinced that it’s a good thing. I just think that she’s so relieved that D isn’t going out with his old crowd that she’s turning a blind eye to potential problems. She thinks that I’m jealous that the two of them are spending so much time together, and aren’t “tied down” like I am.
I realize that this is a lot of explanation without a question, so here goes. Am I wrong to get an uneasy-queasy feeling about the S and D party train? Or is Mom right, and I’m upset that my little brother and best friend are having a ball without me? How can I deal with the situation without seeming like a jealous bitch?
Queasy Mom
Dear Queasy,
Maybe you do feel a little territorial, subconsciously, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t worry about that particular social pairing. D doesn’t exactly have a history of good judgment, and S — something about S is hinky. I mean, okay, she works with your dad, she has fucked-up parents, whatever, but I think she’s a little too attached to your family. And the whole thinking-your-husband-is-annoying thing? Did she actually say that? Because — I don’t know. Something there is not right, it seems to me.
In any case, I’d feel a little uneasy too, but I don’t know that there’s much you can do about it. I suppose you could talk to S and D separately about your concerns, phrasing it as supportively as possible, but if they hang out a lot and compare notes, it could get much more dramatic than you want it to, and nothing’s really happened yet anyway. I’d leave it alone, for now — they’re both adults, after all, and not really your responsibility — but keep an eye on it and hope neither of them lives down to your expectations.
Dear Sars,
I met this wonderful woman recently, and we’ve really hit it off. We’ve been seeing each other nearly every day and having an amazing time. We’re deliriously happy. But last night we had this horrible, horrible argument about the use of the ellipsis. She maintains that her family invented the ellipsis, that the proper usage is three periods with a space at the end (“The decision… rests entirely with the mayor”), and that they’ve been using it this way for hundreds of years.
I, however, have a journalism diploma, and my CP Stylebook clearly states that it should be fully spaced out (“The decision . . . rests entirely with the mayor”). You have to help us! What’s the proper usage, Sars, and how do we keep this fight from ruining the best relationship of our lives?
Signed,
Earnest Linguistic Losers In Paralysis, Sars Is Salvation?
Dear Ells,
Both examples look wrong to me. The first one has an extraneous space, which I don’t think is used unless the ellipsis is also the end of the sentence — in which case you need a fourth period anyway. The second one I haven’t seen since writing academic papers in college; I think the spaced ellipsis is only correct if you’ve left out more than a sentence. Let’s see what Garner has to say.
Oops. Dammit.
Okay, according to Garner, “When you omit one or more words, you show the omission by using ellipsis points (a series of three period-dots) with one space before, after, and between them.” He’s got more about how you punctuate ellipses at the ends of sentences, and on that, he agrees with me.
Most word-processing programs will just auto-space your ellipses, and on TWoP we just let them do that, because the space-dot-space-dot-space-dot-space looks wonky, but the short answer is you: 1, Miss Hundreds Of Years: 0.
Dear Sars,
I have a moral issue that I am constantly confronted with, and I’m not sure if it can be the way I think it is. I have been with J for a little over four years. In the beginning, we were part of a crazy situation that made it difficult to be together, but we worked through it, et cetera, here we are today. However, I’ve cheated on him five times, all but one with people I could now care less about. The one guy that meant something, M, was a (for lack of a better term) fling that lasted about a month and a half. M was someone I could see myself with in the end; we had crazy chemistry, everything was great, except that I was in love with J. But! I was also in love with M. Is that possible? These two men are almost all of the defining moments in my love life; I know it wasn’t some passing thing with M. Still, to this day, everything reminds me of him. Yet now more than ever I am head over heels for J.
Presenting another problem is A. This is someone I met over the internet and have actually seen face-to-face and have become infatuated with. He calls me, emails me, makes me feel special, basically the feeling you get when the relationship is brand new: the butterflies, the heartbeat, the giggling too much at his jokes, et cetera.
Now, I say I am in love with J (and mind you, M is completely out of the picture), but every time A calls me it’s like I’m in grade school again, giggling over the whole “Jon Bon Jovi” of it all. How can I say I love J, but still feel this way about A? It may be helpful to point out that while I do love J, I don’t really ever get the butterflies anymore (you know, the whole “comfortable” zone).
How can you say you love someone but feel so strongly about another person? I was always brought up in the belief of “one love,” but I can’t seem to disregard my feelings and non-validate them. If A ever came around to pursue me, would I cash in on the opportunity (I should point out that he lives in another city about 150 miles away)? Would I cheat on J again with anyone? I ask myself these questions all the time and wonder what kind of answer I’d come up with, and whether or not I’m a terrible person. I’ve never told J about all the times I cheated on him, and I don’t think I ever will, but when will my eye-wandering end?!
Do you have any advice on this matter? My main question is how can I say I’m in love with him, but then be thinking about this guy over here, or that one over there. Thanks so much.
Sincerely,
Cheater Cheater
Dear Cheater,
Yeah. Dump J. Let him find an unselfish, mature girlfriend who actually loves him, because that ain’t you by a long shot.
No, don’t even. You don’t love him. You don’t know what the word means. You love creating bullshit drama and putting yourself at the center of it, and you love getting attention from a bunch of different guys and having a stooge to go back to when it doesn’t work out, but “love” in a relationship context implies a regard for J’s feelings, and you clearly have no interest in those, because it’s inconvenient and boring for you to treat other people with any respect.
It’s called “impulse control.” Get some. Oh, and buy a dictionary — the word is “invalidate.”
[8/26/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar health and beauty sex the fam
