Dear Sars,

In re: Confused and Sort of Scared — shouldn’t she save and/or print email from “John” as a record of contact (in case she needs it as evidence for the police), instead of deleting it?I advised my roommate to keep a record like that when she was getting threatening email.

Just my two cents,
Shawna

Dear Shawna,

Good point, and I thought of changing that in my answer, but I really meant that she shouldn’t list him as “block sender,” because stalkers will interpret negative attention like that as…well, attention.So she should save the emails, but not respond to them.

Dear Sars,

I love TN, and I respect you quite a bit, so perhaps you can give me some advice…

I am a junior in high school, and I am having some mom issues.I enjoy spending my time reading, talking with friends, relaxing.My mom, in high school, was pretty much the opposite of me.She was a cheerleader (I rather despise girls who get so worked up about football, but won’t play it…), she had a date every weekend, she went to dances and proms and clubs, while I would much rather stay at home with my friends and talk about Harry Potter or Emily Brontë.She doesn’t understand why, when random, gross guys call me, I avoid them, or tell them that I am not interested.It’s not that I don’t have a social life, or that I can’t party hard, because I do.It’s just that I am just rather picky about who I spend my time with.She doesn’t see why I can’t talk to the boys, and be a cheerleader, and basically act like her.

The problem isn’t just that she doesn’t understand.When I am sitting at home, reading, or watching a movie with my (very platonic) friends, or sleeping (which I do a lot.I go to a high-stress school, and I need all the sleep I can get on the weekends), she complains that I am not out “having fun” with some stupid boy that only wants me to have casual sex with him.Add this to the fact that not many guys like me unless I act like a ditz, which I refuse to do.The only time she has ever seemed to be happy with my social status was when I was dating a guy (my only relationship ever), who broke up with me because, I think, he couldn’t deal with my standardized test scores being higher than his were.

In addition to this, my new “best friend” is also like my mother, and is always trying to get me to go out with her and get drunk with some date-rapists (not an exaggeration.But, according to her boyfriend’s social circle, which she wants to make a part of, it’s not date rape, because she passed out because she was drinking too much, and they had slept together before), but I cannot bring myself to hang out with these people.And I can’t do the thing I know I should, talk to her, because she would get defensive, and in such a small school, I can’t get away from her.Ever.Sorry if this is a bit boring, but it’s gotten to the point where all I want to do is scream when she tells me to go talk to the cute boys while I am trying to shop.If you aren’t too bored, any advice would be helpful.

Thanks a lot,
A Nerdy Chick

Dear Nerdy Chick,

You’ve got two prongs of the problem here — your best friend, and your mom.But I think you can deal with them both in the same way.

It’s tricky, because on the one hand they don’t seem to understand that the whole drunken-gropefest-pompom-waving deal isn’t your thing, and that you’ve got your own thing.On the other hand, they might feel like you’ve rejected their things, because sometimes moms and best friends get weird that way, and they take what we do or like personally if we don’t do or like the same things they do/did.

Just keep your cool and repeat calmly, to both of them, that you aren’t really into that stuff, but that it’s cool if they are.You appreciate the thought, you know they’re just trying to help/wanting to spend time with you, but you’ve got your own plot, and you’re just going to follow that, if they don’t mind.You might ask them both why it means so much to them that you participate in things you’ve made it clear you’re not into, and see if you can’t come to some kind of understanding with them — you know, that you love them and care about them, and you want to spend time with them and not hurt their feelings, but that they need to step back a bit and respect that you’ve got your own tastes and ways of doing things and you don’t want to keep having the same discussion over and over again.

Hiya Sars,

I’ve got a website-related question for you.

I’ve been running a site for the past three years that does movie and book reviews.Over the past year or so, the number of hits on the site has really increased, and as a result, I’m getting more and more email from readers.Most of the time I love hearing from people, and I make it a point to respond to each note personally.

However, in the past few months, I’ve been getting the odd offensive note, and I’m not sure how to handle these people.The writers fall into two categories: people who tell me I’m a moron, with plenty of swearing and personal insults, and people who are overly familiar with me, even flirty or sexually suggestive, which makes my stalker-alert buttons go off.

A further problem is that I have a few close friends who sometimes help me out by contributing reviews, and I’m not sure how to handle it when I get personal invective directed at something they wrote.Ordinarily, I forward any notes (positive or politely negative) on to the writer.

So, my questions for you are:

1. For the flamers — should I bother to respond?If so, should I take the high road (icily polite) or the low road (slam ’em right back)?
2. If I get a note like this directed at one of my guest writers, should I pass it on to them, or should I just respond myself?
3. For the overly friendly — should I panic and lock myself in my room, removing all personal details from my site?Should I answer these notes, or is that just what they are looking for?

Thanks for any advice…
Princess Powerpuff

Dear Powerpuff,

I can’t say that I haven’t taken the low road many, many times myself — this week alone.I don’t get much hate mail for TN, but MBTV really brings the idiots out of the woodwork, and sometimes I just can’t help myself.But most of the time, I try to keep it professional, and with that in mind, here’s what I’d advise:

1. Don’t bother responding.Seriously.It’s pretty easy to rip someone a new one over email, because it’s anonymous, safe, and instant.When you respond, you validate their rudeness, and the initial satisfaction of a stinging retort isn’t worth it — trust me.I’ve sent more nasty “the word ‘bitch’ is traditionally spelled with a T, DICKWEED” notes than I can count, and it’s not like anyone ever writes back to say that I’ve sure told them, yes sirree bob, so…don’t bother.

2. I get hate mail directed at my writers, too.That gets an icy “I disagree” in response, but I don’t forward it to the writer in question, unless there’s an alleged factual error that needs correcting.My writers don’t need to hear that shit.

3. Answer the fawning stuff, but keep it vague and form-letter-esque.A cheery “thanks — continue to enjoy the site” should do the trick.I felt kind of bad about doing that, initially, because I really do appreciate it when people take the time to write in and say that they love the sites.But I get a good hundred emails a day, and I just don’t have the time to devote to every single email anymore.Not to sound all “o, how busy and important am I,” because I feel lucky that I’ve gotten that busy and that so many people respond to what I write and publish.But you get a sense, after you’ve done this kind of thing for a while, that some people shouldn’t be encouraged overly.So, keep it short and polite.

[8/28/01]

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