The Vine: August 28, 2014
I am trying to find a middle ground between “Congratulations on your wedding!” and “Congratulations on people being slightly less terrible than they were the first time you got married!”
The backstory: I started working with L about two years ago. She’s my supervisor, but she’s very nice and friendly, and I actually like her as a human being (which is not always something I could say about previous supervisors). She and her partner, B, have been married for many years (I don’t know exactly how long but at least 10 years), although without any sort of legal recognition. I’ve only met B a couple of times, but L and I are the only two people in our department, so we interact a lot, and I know a little bit about B from things L has said.
B and L are getting (re-)married next month, but out of state, because where we live only recently managed to repeal its anti-sodomy laws (progress…?). They’ve decided to do it now because it’ll get them federal recognition (taxes, Social Security, etc.) even if it won’t necessarily be meaningful in-state. I am not invited, nor would I expect to be, but I would like to express a sentiment of congratulations by making a card.
Unfortunately, part of why I make homemade cards is because then I feel like I have pretty art as an excuse not to say much because I never know what to say beyond, “Happy Birthday, X,” and the wording for this is particularly challenging given that I would like to acknowledge that they are already married (but without trivializing the significance of the legal recognition of said marriage).
Right now I’m stuck on “B & L: The marriage so nice they did it twice” which seems like it could be interpreted as a bit glib? Maybe? I think L would take it as it was intended, but I don’t know B well enough to be sure of her reaction. Which is why I’m hoping the Nation has some better ideas (or has actually been in this sort of situation before, and knows the appropriate well-wishing format).
Thanks,
Maybe I Should Just Do A Nonspecific “Congratulations”?
Dear Nonspecific,
I guess it’s maybe a little glib, but you’ve taken the time to make a card and acknowledge the occasion, I don’t think L and B would take it the wrong way.
A vague “congratulations” is fine too, or some other more general “best wishes on this happy occasion” type of thing, but it’s not like they don’t know how byzantine a process it is in certain states for same-sex couples to get married. On the other hand, it’s your supervisor, and even if you get along well, a “2 down, 48 to go!” joke on the card is maybe pushing it familiarity-wise.
Readers, any thoughts here?
Tags: etiquette workplace
I bought every card in the slot when I saw one that said:
Front: Congratulations
Inside: Have a beautiful life together
But I’m an old crank who hates rhyming sop!
Honestly? You are overthinking this. Just get a store bought card, put a “best wishes” or “congratulations” or “wish you all the best”, sign, and get on with your day.
What we really want is equality and for our special days not to be treated any differently than straight people’s. Speaking for myself, I have to live with being a 2nd class citizen the other 364 days of the year. So as far as I’m concerned, it would be really nice, if and when I have that special day, nobody even mentions laws, or legal status, or joint taxes, or hospital visits, or any of it. That day I would like to just not think about anything but my and my husband’s joy, and enjoy spending it with our friends and family. Don’t bring the realities up in ANY way-even in humor-and kill that buzz. Most especially don’t create something that, if they save their cards in an album, every time they pull it out to enjoy memories, that’s what they are going to see.
I think something like “Wishing you many more years/a lifetime of happiness” is a good way to express the usual wedding wishes, and acknowledge that they’ve already been married awhile.
I like the suggestion Sars gave of “Best wishes on this happy occasion,” or something similar; the effort you put into making the card will show your thoughtfulness, even if the wording is generic.
I’m in a same-sex relationship, and we recently got married during the one-week window in which it was allowed in our state. And it did bring some mixed feelings…we were overjoyed at the opportunity to marry, but our state will not (currently) recognize the marriage, which is disappointing and frustrating. And because of the narrow window of time, we weren’t able to plan the ceremony the way we would’ve liked, etc.
I think I (and most people) would take the “so nice they did it twice” message in the spirit it was intended–but they could also have that reaction of “well, wish we didn’t have to do it twice.” Better to keep things sincere and simple, especially with a supervisor.
I went to a double-ceremony wedding a few years ago, where the couple wanted both of their religious traditions to marry them (and/or were trying to keep the families content), and the officiant at the second service acknowledged the elephant in the room by saying, “When my parents taught me to tie my shoes, they told me a double knot is stronger, and that’s what we’re doing today.” Something like that might give you something to work with.
@HLM, aw. That’s lovely.
I think if you’re going to the effort of making a card yourself, then you can get away with a not-too-personal message. You’re already being personal with your art.
Attempts at humor can backfire so easily, especially given that you don’t know B and work with L. So while I wouldn’t have any issue with the wording you thought of, I’d probably lean toward something warmer and more universal. “Congratulations on your wedding. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness together.” Or something along the line?
But maybe I’m overthinking it.
I am probably being dense, but to what does “2 down, 48 to go!” refer? I thought same-sex marriage was legal is nineteen states, do I not have that quite right?
They’re married in 2 states. If they want to get married in every state, they have 48 states to go. Nothing to do with the legality.
“So nice they did it twice” would be hilarious to some people, but if you’re not sure, I think you should skip it. Something along the lines of “Wishing you many more years of happiness together” is just right.
Also, a handmade card is a lovely idea, and perfect for this situation.
Yep, “I’m so happy for you,” “Very best wishes,” “A wonderful future to you both,” There’s plenty of phrases that are sweet, sincere, and nonpolitical so that happiness and joy are forefront.
If it were your sister or best friend that’s one thing, but this is a nice person you have a friendly, professional relationship with. You don’t need to acknowledge the whole history of gay rights in the card. Just the fact they’re getting (re) married for legal recognition is plenty on its own.
Since a handmade card is a small gift of artwork with a written message, something short and genuine is best. I think you can easily wish the couple “many more years of happiness” and sign your name and be done. I love handmade art cards, and most people appreciate the effort.
Actually,I have made/painted cards in the past and I loved doing it. I should dig out my supplies. Thanks for the reminder!
I agree with many of the above commenters, but on a semi-related note: have you ever noticed how deadly serious most wedding cards are? I always want to buy people wedding cards that are more lighthearted, but they’re very hard to find. C’mon, greeting card makers, getting married is supposed to be fun!
How about, “Best wishes and heartfelt congratulations as you take this next step in your journey together”
Katie: I got married last year and they’re all so cheesy. I like funny cards. I don’t think we got any funny cards — if we did, I don’t remember them.
I think you could make it generic. Like other people have suggested, things like “Wishing you many more wonderful years together” or even “Congratulations on your wedding” would be fine.
Thanks all. Overthinking-mode is my brain’s default setting. I went with “Congratulations L & B” (the double knot sentiment is pretty cool though).
My smartass side suggested “Once more with feeling!”, but there’s nothing wrong with a simple “Congratulations!”