I very recently discovered your site and among other things have been checking out the advice you’ve been giving in The Vine over the past few weeks. I think you do a great job of giving people honest, realistic, down-to-earth suggestions on handling their problems. But in your Aug. 9
answer to “Concerned Friend of a Spineless, Confused Guy” I think you left out something important.

To refresh your memory – Concerned’s question concerned a close friend, “Ryan,” who was unable to break free of his unhappy relationship with a “controlling, saccharine, whiny, self-pitying, naïve” live-in girlfriend, “Kimmy.” Ryan appeared to be working his way toward a serious drinking problem and his friends wanted to know how to help him;
this was why Concerned contacted you.

I have no beef with any of the advice you gave Concerned. My problem, as I said, is with something you didn’t say. I agree that this relationship is destructive and that Ryan needs to get out of it. But whatever flaws Kimmy may have and however much blame she may deserve for her behavior toward Ryan and his friends, she is not responsible for his alcoholism. She did not cause it. And even if Ryan grows a spine, takes his concerned friend’s advice and gets out of the relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of his drinking.

Concerned admits that in the past, before he ever met Kimmy, Ryan struggled with serious drug addiction.It seems to me that Ryan has two problems here, and he needs to deal with both. His dysfunctional relationship is one problem. His drinking is another. These two problems may influence and feed off one another, but they are separate and both of them need to be addressed. Unless Ryan confronts his tendency to self-medicate as a problem in and of itself, and takes responsibility for it,then I suspect that his substance abuse will continue to be a problem independent of whatever is going on in his life.

I admit that I am no expert in addiction treatment. I have no degrees or qualifications in psychology or counseling.However, I am well-versed in the guilt, shame and self-recrimination that come with knowing a loved one has a substance abuse problem. Your answer never directly accused Kimmy of causing Ryan’s drinking problem and I don’t believe that was ever your intention. But some things need to be spelled out, and that’s what I’m trying to do on behalf of all those out there who are struggling to come to terms with a friend or lover’s addiction, and who are more than likely shouldering a heavy burden of (unwarranted) guilt because of it.

Liz

Dear Liz,

You make a valid point, and I certainly didn’t mean to blame Kimmy for Ryan’s drinking problem, implicitly or otherwise.In my response to “Concerned,” I tried to address her short-term concerns – i.e. what she could do to, for lack of a better word, snap Ryan out of it.

I agree with you that Ryan seems to have addictive tendencies, and that those exist outside of any relationship problems he might have.But that’s not really what “Concerned” asked me.

Dear Sarah,

Before I start, I’d like to say that I really admire you and the truth is, you’ve been a huge inspiration to me.I agree with all of your views, and we seem to have pretty similar attitudes (even the thing with people calling us “cynical”). After going to your website, I decided to be more open and expressive with my personal opinions; which always really makes my day when I rant together with friends.Thank you!

I need your advice on something.I tend to talk a lot, so please bear with me.

I’m a high school girl that lives in a suburb in the Silicon Valley.Basically, in this city, people are either homophobic or they’re homosexual themselves.I know quite a few bisexuals and homosexuals, but basically, everyone around here is homophobic and freaks out at the slightest mention.I, myself, am a lesbian, and I’ve been in a serious relationship for almost two years now.We’ve kept our relationship a secret from everyone, and we’ve done an excellent job in doing so.

During last winter, though, I found out that whenever I talked on the phone, my mother was actually spying on me by eavesdropping from the bathroom (since it is adjoined to my room).She approached me by asking a few questions, and I came up with some witty excuses to assure her that I wasn’t lesbian.What I didn’t know, until much later, was that my parents have been suspecting that I was lesbian from the start.When I confronted them and asked them why they thought I was, they simply said it was because we talked on the phone and hung out so much.That was just the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, because many of my friends talk on the phone for ages and hang out with their friends – in fact, even more than I do. Even worse, they had no proof whatsoever, and they simply went off assuming.

My parents must be the most homophobic people I know.After they went on their assuming brigade, they went off and tried to separate me and my girlfriend – keep in mind – with no proof whatsoever, and not even asking me if I was lesbian or not.In fact, they thought that my best pal would convert me into a lesbian, even if I was straight.And because of that, they personally believed it to be a good reason to keep her away from me.They literally wouldn’t let me out of the house, took away my private phone line, and did everything possible to keep me from seeing her again.Even riding the school bus was prohibited, because they were afraid I’d visit her house after the bus.They did all this, and did not even tell me why they hated my best friend/girlfriend so much, even though I asked them a million times.After some help from some family friends (who also found their actions to be almost totalitarian and irrational), they finally told me that they thought my friend was lesbian (because we talked to each other often and she and I short hair), and thought she would convert me into a lesbian, if not already.

Eventually, I got my way, got my phone line back, and got to see my girlfriend again without having to sneak out and meet her.The main problem I have with my parents is that they don’t want me hanging around guys… I mean, I’ll have guy friends over so we can talk about casual things like video games and music, and they’ll go as far as to not letting that particular guy over because they think I’ll like him and stuff.The fact is, they don’t want me having a relationship with ANYONE, and sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me.

Just recently, they’ve dished out a lot of crap right into my face.They said that talking on the phone for an hour or two with my girlfriend (to them, “friend”) is far too long and that “normal” teenagers don’t do that.I told them that neither of us did anything illegal.We didn’t go around drinking or smoking.We’re both on the honor roll at school, and we’re leading a happy life.That doesn’t seem to matter to my parents.

Because of their narrow-minded views, they said that when school started, I wouldn’t be able to visit my friend on the weekdays, and as soon as I come home, I need to do my homework and study for at least two hours (even though I have photographic memory and don’t need to study at all – they know that).I can’t talk on the phone until I’m done with my homework/studying, and I can’t go online before that unless it’s for studying.And they will monitor me constantly.Even worse, they’re going as far as moving next summer, once our lease is over.That’s how far they’re willing to go to make sure that I don’t have a homosexual relationship with my girlfriend.They’ve always been like this – even before we got into a relationship, they’ve always hated her for no real apparent reason, but now I’ve realized that all this time, it’s been about their stupid assumptions.They thought we were lesbian from the beginning, and I think what they’re doing is NOT fair.

I tried reasoning with them, and they said that if I retorted, they would tell my girlfriend’s parents about everything, and demand that they stop their daughter from seeing me.So of course, I figured that even if I wouldn’t be able to see her much anymore, maybe once in a really long while is better than nothing, and I of course, had to allow them to.

I can’t help but feel really depressed about everything…my parents won’t listen to me when I try to talk to them, and my father, especially, simply says to me, “You’re just making more excuses,” and doesn’t listen to me at all.My mother doesn’t bother helping me out because she obviously wants the same thing my father wants.

I feel really hurt that my own parents would do such a thing…especially to me, their own daughter.I know the reason they want to move is solely because of this…there’s no other reason, and they love it here.What do I do now?How can I try to work things out with my parents?I’m in a really tight position and I don’t know what else to do.

Sorry about this really long letter, but I hope you can reply soon, as school is going to start soon.

The not-so-psychic psychic, Kanon

Dear Kanon,

First of all, thanks for the compliments!And second of all…Jesus Christ.What a nightmare.I am not gay, and I am fortunate enough to have parents who wouldn’t really care what gender I brought home as long as I seemed happy, so I can’t imagine what you must be going through.I can see parents not greeting the news that they have a gay child with enthusiasm.It’s still a hard life for gay folks in this country in a lot of ways, and if I had a gay son or daughter, I’d worry about them – dealing with a culture of homophobia, not having the right to marry or make decisions for their partners in many states, becoming victims of anti-gay violence, and so on and so forth.But to inflict bigoted bullshit on your own child…I just don’t get it.

Okay, I don’t really understand homophobia generally, so I’ll just get off that rant and get back to your question.Keeping in mind that I didn’t and don’t have either of the problems you have, and thus may well not know what the hell I’m talking about, here’s my advice: come out to your parents.Sit them down, ask them not to say anything until you’ve finished, and tell them that you have feelings for other women generally, and for your “friend” specifically.Tell them that you can’t change that part of you, and that it hurts you terribly that they think you should.Remind them that, if they choose to move, or cut off contact between you and your girlfriend, or enact any other draconian measures for the express purpose of denying your sexuality and implying that you should feel ashamed of being a lesbian, that they will only succeed in cutting off their collective nose to spite their face, and in alienating you completely.Leave the room and let them chew on what you’ve said for a while.The chance that you can yank their heads out of their butts this way falls somewhere between slim and none – but it might work.Putting everything out there might force them to deal with you honestly, as a person and not just as a child whom they control; once they have their fears acknowledged, they might try to deal with them.

But they probably won’t, and if that’s the case, I think you should live an out-and-proud life and realize that people who have a problem with your sexual preference have just that – a problem.Grit your teeth, accept your parents’ reform-school measures, and look ahead to the day when you can get the hell out of there and go to college and let your rainbow flag fly.

I feel for you.You love your parents, and naturally you want to please them and to have them approve of you, and it’s got to feel awful and scary that they of all people can’t accept and love you no matter what, particularly when you still live with them and rely on them for food and shelter.But we can’t choose our parents; we can only choose how we deal with them once we’ve become adults.Let me put it another way: I wouldn’t blame you if you decided not to do what I’ve suggested, because it’s a big step and you can’t go back from it.It’s okay if you don’t feel ready for that…but if you do, you’ll always have that moment of bravery when you embraced yourself and your life and damn the torpedoes.

Good luck.Please write and tell me what happens.

[Edited to add that you might find a support group for gay teens quite helpful; look in your local phone book under Social Services, or try this site as a springboard.Thanks to Wing Chun for that suggestion.]

[8/29/00]

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