Sarah,

I was hoping you could help me out. I am traveling to New York this weekend on a sort of mini-vacation, but never having been, I am lacking on “local” information. When I travel, I prefer to go by the advice of residents of the area rather than the usual guidebook generalities.

I’ll be staying in Manhattan, so I was hoping that you could give me a couple of recommendations for restaurants, good bars, and maybe something to do that not everybody who comes to New York does.

I know you’re not a travel agent, and this isn’t your usual type of advice, but I figured that you were usually so incisive and astute that your words would be the best words.

Thanks,
Jim

Dear Jim,

I don’t know where you’re staying, what kinds of things you like to do, et cetera, so I’ll just give you a highly subjective list of things I like to do and hope you’ll find something that interests you therein.

Need a giant delicious burrito that will sit in your stomach like a rock, only costs five bucks, and will obviate the need to eat for the rest of your stay?San Loco, 2nd Avenue near St. Marks (there’s another one on 1st, but the 2nd Avenue outpost is superior).

I need a beer to wash that down, yo. Head around the corner on 7th Street to the Blue and Gold (near the corner of 1st Avenue on the north side).

It’s kind of crowded.Go to the next bar with the unpronounceable Polish name.

Meh.Okay, try these, then:
Hollywood Drink Lounge (I think that’s the name), on St. Marks Place between 1st and 2nd Avenues
Cedar Tavern, on University Place at 10th Street-ish
Bar 119, on 15th Street between Park Avenue and Irving Place
Molly’s Shebeen, on 3rd Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets
The Waterfront Ale House, on 2nd Avenue at 30th Street (lots of microbrews — and don’t miss the Jerky of the Day!)
The Gramercy Park Hotel, on Lexington Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets

Urp.I’m hungry again.Pommes frites, man.2nd Avenue between St. Marks and 9th (I think).Get the chutney mayo sauce.

I’d rather have pizza.Stromboli, 1st Avenue and 11th.Or whatever that place is with the walk-up window, St. Marks and Avenue A.Then walk up to Lucy’s on Avenue A between 9th and 10th Streets (maybe?I don’t remember it sober).Or go to Drinkland, 10th Street between Avenues A and B.

Patsy’s in Brooklyn is the best pizza anywhere (oh, pipe down, Chicagoans) but I don’t know how to get there; there’s an outpost in Manhattan on 3rd Avenue between 34th and 35th.

I’d kind of like a margarita.Should I go back to San Loco? Nope; no liquor license.Go to The Hat (a.k.a. El Sombrero), corner of Ludlow and Stanton.We don’t call them “crackeritas” for nothing — once you pop, you can’t stop.To freeze your brain in a more genteel environment, hit El Parador, 34th Street past the Midtown Tunnel entrance (near 2nd Avenue).Buntings have gotten drunk there for generations.Okay, only two generations, but still.

You know a lot about drinking in the city.Practice makes perfect, my friend.Hey, if you like sake, there’s a good little underground sake bar on 7th Street between the Bowery and 2nd; I don’t remember the name.Then go around the corner to Tsampa on 9th Street for yummy Tibetan food.

Anywhere else I should go to booze it up?The Algonquin, 44th Street (I think — might be 45th) between 5th and 6th Avenues.Expensive, but — hey, the round table.Enough said.Botanica, Houston Street near…Mulberry?And while you’re down there, get the alfredo at Benito II (not Benito I — good, but not as good) in Little Italy, or sit outside and watch the city go by at Orologio (Avenue A between 10th and 11th Streets).Cab it over to the Void (Mercer Street and…something.Again with the sobriety) or to KGB Bar (4th Street?Check Citysearch) for a change of pace.And don’t miss McSorley’s Tavern on 7th Street between the Bowery and 2nd.In fact, that whole stretch of bars is really good in a kitsch-tastic way.You should have a beer at Burp Castle because…it’s Burp Castle.But it’s also the site of way too many bachelorette parties, so beware.

What do I do after I sleep it off?I don’t “do” much; I live here, so I’m lazy that way.But the Pierpont Morgan is a nice way to spend two hours — lots of illustrated manuscripts.That’s at 36th Street and Madison Avenue.Or head up to the Cloisters near Fort Tryon Park (take the A train); it’s kind of a haul, but so beautiful.Stop in at the new Hayden Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History — that’s in the 80s at Central Park (right? Well, whatever, any taxi driver can get you there).Chill in Battery Park at the tip of Manhattan, watch some boats, see the sunset and “ooh” at the Statue of Liberty.

Any good coffee shops?There’s a nice one on Avenue A and 9th where you can sit outside and smoke and whatnot; ditto a place that used to be called Zido — it’s across from Molly’s on 3rd Avenue but I don’t know the new name.And there’s a little spot on 9th Street proper between 1st Avenue and Avenue A, on the south side of the street, where you can play board games and chill for as long as you want.

Vintage shopping?Dude, forget it.Everything “vintage” in New York is either 1) from the mid-nineties, 2) stained and nasty, 3) overpriced beyond belief, or some combo of those three.Metropolis on 3rd Avenue at 10th Street (next to Ben & Jerry’s) has some nice vintage-esque things, but it’s expensive.You could take a walk over to Chelsea and check out the street marts around 25th Street and 6th Avenue; then head over to the Chelsea Antiques Building (25th Street between 6th and 7th Avenues).That’s pretty overpriced too, but they’ll at least haggle, and there’s a guy in there with insanely good onyx jewelry (eighth floor).If you’re into old toys and things, putter around in the East Village on 7th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenues, and on 2nd Avenue up through around 12th Street — again, high prices, but if you want that Darth Vader shampoo, someone in that area will have it (see also the toy store on 1st Avenue at 61st Street, but they actually buzz you into that one, which is unnecessarily dramatic in my opinion).

While you’re down there, stop into the ‘zine shop See Hear (same block of 7th Street that I just mentioned — it’s below ground on the north side of the street).Look for “Comet Bus.”If they have it, buy it; if they don’t, bitch at them to stock it.

I want to get a piercing while I’m here.Venus, 4th Street off of Avenue A.Clean, nice, sympathetic to babyish crying during nose piercings.There’s a wicked good tattoo parlor further down 4th Street on the other side, too, if that’s your thing.

What about dance clubs?I don’t go to dance clubs.Sorry, dude.Other things I don’t do — go to Central Park (it’s not close — you want to go to a park, hop the F train and go to Prospect Park.It’s designed by the same man, actually, but it’s smaller and nicer); go to museums (lazy — but the Guggenheim is always worth it when I do make the effort, and that’s at 80-something Street and Fifth Avenue); take the tour buses (yuck); go to shows (not my thing).

Is there a city guide I could pick up to help me remember this stuff, or think of other stuff I want to do?Sure.The Village Voice has good listings; so does Time Out New York.They’ll cover way more neighborhoods than the three or four I spend the bulk of my time in, too.

Have fun!

Hi Sars!

First of all, I just wanted to say that I love Tomato Nation and Mighty Big TV.They’re fun to read, and you give such good advice in The Vine that I thought maybe you could help me out.There is honestly nobody else I can ask.The background to my problem is sort of long, but I’ll make it as concise as possible.

My cousin, Amy, is three months older than I am.We went to school together, were Girl Scouts together, and spent every weekend at each other’s houses when we were little.She’s always been selfish and not a little bitchy, but even though sometimes I didn’t like her very much, she was still family and we were raised more as sisters than cousins.In high school we drifted apart; she didn’t really like my friends because we were sports people, and hanging out with her friends made me uncomfortable because their idea of fun was to get wasted and then smash the windows out of people’s cars.Basically, Amy and her crowd were wild and pretty much out of control.

After high school, Amy went to college for a year and then dropped out and got a full time job at a jewelry store.She was still living at home; she didn’t pay for rent or food, and her (single, not financially well off) mom paid for her car.Amy’s mom, my aunt, was a nurse, but she decided it was time for a career change and took a course to become a house manager.(Basically, a house manager overlooks the day to day operations and staff of a mansion.)She got a position in South Carolina, halfway across the country, and took it.My aunt moved to SC for her new job and left her house in Amy’s care.All Amy had to do was live in it and mow the lawn; my aunt was paying for the mortgage and taxes and everything.

Jump forward about two months.Amy vanished.Nobody in my family knew where she was.A missing-persons report was filed.Everyone was worried sick.The house was empty, and none of her friends knew where she’d gone.Finally, Amy’s brother-in-law tracked down Amy’s boyfriend (who makes his living selling ecstasy to eighth graders) and discovered that Amy had been living with him.Amy was angry that we were bothering her and looked on our discovery of her whereabouts as a colossal invasion of privacy.My aunt immediately put the house Amy had been living in on the market.

Then, all within about two weeks, everything went wrong in Amy’s life.She lost her job at the jewelry store for talking back to her boss.Her driver’s license was revoked because she has about a million speeding tickets.The punk drug dealer kicked her out (for the second time).She had no job, no car, and no place to live, so she called her mom and made a big show about wanting to make a fresh start.My aunt found her an apartment in Savannah (only an hour away from my aunt’s home in SC) and bought her a car.Amy moved down there, promising to get a job and go back to school.Three months later, Amy came back to Michigan to do some kind of paperwork regarding getting her driver’s license back, and the drug-dealer boyfriend picked her up at the airport.She never got on her return flight to Georgia.She never called to let her mother know that she was going to stay in Michigan; she figured that not getting on the plane was a good enough way to send the message.

The drug dealer proposed.She accepted.They’re getting married.My aunt is stuck with a year lease on an apartment and a car in Savannah.Nobody can believe that Amy would do something like this to her mother, or that she would be stupid enough to marry this guy.

This brings me to my problem.Amy is looking for a witness to stand up with her at her wedding.She’s asked her sister, who has flat-out refused because of the way Amy has treated their mother during this whole thing.She asked her friends, but none of them want to spend any time with her anymore; I guess she’s too out there even for them.Amy’s sister said that Amy is going to ask me; she’s just working up her nerve to call, knowing that I’m not happy about the way she’s treated my aunt.

Sars, what should I do?This marriage is a mistake.I’m appalled at Amy’s behavior towards her mother and towards the rest of the family during the time we thought she was dead or kidnapped.I know this guy is a violent criminal who beats her up on occasion, and I know that if he’s kicked her out twice, he’ll do it again, and her mom isn’t going to take her in a second time.On the other hand, she’s 21 and old enough to make her own choices, even if they’re bad ones.This is the girl I was raised with practically as a sister, and the thought of her getting married without any family there at all makes me sadder than I can say.Add to this the fact that my family will likely never forgive me if I act as a witness to Amy’s marriage to this guy, and I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.How can I support her without supporting her choices?And what can I do about the rest of our family, who will likely have a full-on, long-term freak-out if I choose to be her maid of honor?I want so badly to be there for her, but I don’t know how I can.I mean, this is her wedding day!Even though she’s horrible and selfish and stupid and I haven’t forgiven her for her treatment of our family, I don’t want her to have to be without anyone on her wedding day!I’m her last resort; if I don’t agree to be her maid of honor, she’s not going to have anyone.I’ve spent the last two days trying to rehearse what I’m going to say when she calls, but I still have no idea whether or not I’ll agree.I’m completely lost as to how to handle this situation.I have to choose between the guilt I’ll feel if she gets married alone and the familial strife that will undoubtedly happen if I witness her marriage to this drug dealer, especially after the way she’s treated my aunt and the rest of us.

I apologize for the length of this letter, and I’d appreciate any advice you can give.

Thanks,
Confused Cousin

Dear CC,

You have to do what you feel is the right thing.Don’t let your family dictate how you behave; don’t let Amy, or her situation, guilt you into doing something you’d prefer not to.Don’t pick a side because you “should” — pick a side because that’s the side you believe in.And if that means not picking a side at all, go with it.

With that said…your cousin is an opportunistic little bitch.She’s made a lot of her mistakes because she’s young, and that’s understandable, up to a point.But allowing a scumbag to push you around and run your life doesn’t mean that you get to turn around and treat your family like crap.If you agree to this maid-of-honor thing, she’s going to see you as a stooge and take advantage of you accordingly, the same way she did your aunt, and if she didn’t want to walk up the aisle without any family present, well, she should have acted like a human being towards her family in the first place.It’s not your responsibility anymore.She’s made her bed; she can lie in it.

Here’s what I’d do.When Amy calls, tell her that you can’t stand up as her maid of honor.Don’t tell her why.Don’t make excuses.Don’t lecture her.Just tell her that you can’t do it.Let her think what she wants — that you’ve “abandoned” her, that you have a prior commitment on that date, whatever.Tell her you wish her the best and hope she stays in touch.End the call.

I don’t condone the abuse by the boyfriend or any of that, clearly, because nobody deserves that shit, but the rest of it — well, she did it to herself.She’s an emotional vampire.Don’t invite her into the house anymore.

[8/29/01]

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