Dear Sars,

I’ve got a question that I’d like to hear your answer to. Yesterday was my birthday, and Grandma sent me a china Lenox clock. This is the third time she’s given me a piece of Lenox china — once for my high school graduation (a vase, I think, in 1995), once for my wedding (a candy bowl in 1998), and now this. The problem? I can’t stand Lenox. I hate knickknacks in general and china knickknacks in particular.

I thanked her for the gifts before and understood that since she collects Lenox, she might think it marked special events. And a graduation and a marriage are the kind of events that could be marked by china, I guess. But my birthday? Frankly, the Lenox is occurring with ever-increasing frequency, and I’m worried! I asked my dad (her son) to tell Grandma that I really can’t have Lenox right now, since I live in a small apartment and will have to move soon, and I’m worried about breaking it. He said fine, he’d bring it up. But Mom?Freaked out and told me I was ungrateful, and that I should thank Grandma and then re-gift the clock to a friend whose taste runs more along the Lenox lines. She said no one should say anything to Grandma about the Lenox.

I think Mom’s all wrong. Grandma’s projecting — she thinks that everyone loves Lenox as much as she does, but if Dad tells her it’s inconvenient, she’ll lay off. It’s not the money — I’d be happy if she just sent a card or a letter remembering my birthday. (In fact I’d be HAPPIER, since cards take up less space.)I’m just afraid I’m going to get Lenox at every occasion for the rest of my life if I don’t try to halt it. And re-gifting? Bad taste!

Who’s right, Mom or me?

Not A China Doll

Dear Doll,

Ah, the No, Not Quite gift.It’s so hard to know how to handle those — it’s a gift, so you don’t want to speak up and seem ungrateful, because you appreciate the thought, but if it’s consistently something that you don’t like or can’t use, should you try to correct the giver gently so her money isn’t wasted in the future?

I think you’ve handled it just right.Lenox china ain’t cheap, and if you really just don’t like it, it’s probably best to put a tactful stop to the Lenoxery, if only to prevent your grandma from spending any more money on it.Of course, the key word here is “tactful,” and your cover story is perfectly diplomatic (and partly true, which helps too).I can see your mother’s point — it is a gift, if you can’t say something nice et cetera — but re-gifting is rather tacky, especially if it’s a gift given in honor of a specific happy occasion in your life.It’s like those Cross pen sets we all manage to amass a dozen of by the time we’re 25; it’s not as though anyone really craves Cross pen sets, but someone took the time to pick it out and remember us on graduation, so we keep them.They do write pretty nicely.

Besides, if your dad doesn’t have a problem with saying something, your mom doesn’t really have any call to get upset.

Sars,

Well, after ages of reading the Vine, here I am asking
for advice. I’m usually very good about handling my
own life and interpersonal relationships, but I’ve had
it up to my eyeballs with a certain individual, and
telling her to her face seems to do no good
whatsoever. So alas, I am at a loss.

I work in a very large office which consists largely
of attorneys who, while being friendly, don’t really
have the time or the desire to speak to us lowly
intake secretaries very often. So in the two years
that I’ve worked here, I’ve developed what could be
called an office friendship with the woman who trained
me, who shares my job, and who works about two feet
away from me. I’ll call her “T.” Anyway, though she is
nothing even approaching the kind of human being I
would seek friendship with outside the office, T is
the only person IN the office that I feel close to. I
realize that I do not fit in here; like I said, my
co-workers are mainly lawyers and their much older
legal secretaries, and at 41, T is the next youngest
person after me. I am 25! I dress differently, I have
somewhat visible tattoos and piercings, and I have no
desire to TRY to fit in, since they hired me as I am
and since I do an amazing job at the work they have
selected for me to perform. I am one of the hardest
workers and fastest learners in this joint, so they kind of let me do my
thing as long as I keep the work comin’.

Anyway, there is a point coming.

So T and I have this sort-of friendship thing, and
then another girl in our intake section gets fired.
Suddenly our workload is increased by about
threefold, but we band together and pull through
somehow, T doing the old girl’s job and me doing both
my job and T’s old job. Then we finally get relief; a
girl moves up to our section from the phones, and I
have since been trained to do the old girl’s job while
T trains the new girl to do our old jobs. And the two
of them have, effectively, become what T and I were.
They share an office friendship, they go out to lunch;
they have managed to completely shut me out and hardly
speak to me during the day. I caught onto this very
quickly, after attempting some conversations and
getting shot down at every turn, and while it hurt a
little to not have anyone to talk with at work
anymore, it didn’t exactly break my heart into tiny
pieces, and I figured I’d just keep doin’ my thing
solo and they could have their new little friendship.

However, T has come to me this last week, VERY angry,
accusing me of becoming hostile, rude,
full of attitude, and completely unapproachable. She
also informed me that the new girl is “terrified” of
me, thinks that I hate her, and is afraid to try and
talk to me. I told her point-blank that since I felt
shut out by her and the new girl — let’s call her “B” —
I decided to just do my job and let it go, and that if
I seem rude or unapproachable then I am truly sorry.

I have made a huge effort since then to engage both of
them in conversation, ask them about their days, say
“Good morning!” and “Have a nice lunch!” and “Happy
Friday!” and every other ridiculous, inane
greeting/small talk that I can come up with. It has
exhausted me. I am simply not this overtly friendly,
but apparently I have to treat these people with kid
gloves or I come off as “hostile” and scare the shit
out of people! And it’s not even doing any good;
yesterday T and I had another near-confrontation
because she criticized my work, I calmly asked her
about the specific thing she had noticed, and she
became all flustered and told me that she feels she
can’t approach me when she finds mistakes I may have
made, because I get all angry and she thinks I hate
her. They are also both still more or less ignoring
me, answering my small talk with single-syllable grunts
of Yay or Nay, and I’m pretty fucking fed up with
being Miss Slap-Happy Ray Of Sunshine Up My Ass with
no discernable results, when the whole reason I’m at
this place is to WORK.

So I’m considering telling T once and for all that,
while I don’t “hate” her, and while I don’t want her
or B to be “terrified” of me, I think we should just
try to keep our relationship as work-oriented as
possible, since neither of them seems interested in
reciprocating my attempts at a more personal
friendship. Of course, I know T will take this in the
most wrong way imaginable, probably start crying, ask
what she did wrong and why I don’t like her and where
I get off after all she’s done for me and
blah blah betrayalcakes. But I am just DONE.
I come here to work, not to play the popularity game,
and not to pretend to be something or someone I’m not.

So at last my question! Do you think, given the
actions and reactions I’ve described, that I am,
indeed, more “hostile” than I imagine myself to be? Is
this an age gap? Is this just T and I finally so sick
of each other we can’t stand it anymore? Is this T
maybe a little jealous that I am doing so much better
at the old girl’s job than she did? And finally, is my
plan of confrontation-but-not-quite a good one, or
should I just let this go — or should I continue with
my exhaustive measures of trying to draw these two out
if they are not willing to make the effort?

I’d very much appreciate your sage-like advice!

Seething Sec

Dear Sec,

Without knowing more about T’s background and whatnot, I can’t really say what’s causing the friction — maybe it’s a little competitiveness and envy, maybe it’s working in close quarters, maybe you have a different demeanor than you think you do, maybe it’s that B changes the chemistry of the relationship between you and T.

And what’s causing it doesn’t really matter; it’s a co-worker relationship, so getting to the bottom of the unpleasantness isn’t as important per se as putting a stop to it so you can get some work done.As far as doing that goes, the tack you take really depends on how much sway T holds over your job and whether you keep it.

You mention that she trained you, but it sounds like the two of you do roughly the same thing and like, although she’s got more time at the company, she’s not your superior.If that’s the case, and if she’s not in a position to jeopardize your employment, that frees you up to speak more plainly, to wit: “Look, we’re not BFF, but we’ve always gotten along before.I’m sorry if you feel that I’m hostile or defensive or don’t like you, but I assure you that those aren’t impressions I’m trying to create, so please take my word that I respect you and your work, and let’s consider this issue closed.”Then it’s done; you’ve said your piece, and she can calm down and let you work, or she can continue making a federal case out of it.

If she doesn’t settle down, you might consider looking for another job.Co-workers like that who get personally over-invested in office friendships can ulcerate your stomach lining like nothing else; if T keeps holding caucuses on your attitude, start checking Monster.com.

Sars —

My friend (Roomie 1) and I have been buds since the ripe
old age of fourteen. We made it through high school and college with the friendship
intact. We were never best friends, exactly, but we were very close. Last year,
we moved into an apartment together with a friend of hers (Roomie 2). Right
away, R1 and I started having problems with R2. She was way anal, always
leaving snarky little notes everywhere about the things that bugged her,
flipping out if R1 and I did anything without her (which was rare), et cetera.
Finally, it came to a head, and we all had a chat about the situation. The
notes stopped, we talked a bit more, and I thought maybe, finally, everything
was heading toward a tolerable situation. I was still never going to be
friends with R2 — we were just way too different — but I could deal until the
lease ran out. Then R1 drops a bomb on me one night — she’s moving out,
because she can’t take R2’s crap anymore.

Considering that R2 was her friend to begin with, I was more than a little
hurt and angry that she’d leave me there alone in this situation. I moaned
and bitched to my various friends and family, but basically left our mutual
friends out of it, saying only that I didn’t really feel comfortable talking
to them about the situation because I wasn’t sure there were a lot of nice
things I could say about R1 right now, and I didn’t want them to feel caught
in the middle. I eventually got over being pissed, but now I just have no
interest in being friends with a person that would leave one of their close
pals in a situation like this.

This happened a few months ago, and I haven’t spoken to R1 since. My problem?
Our mutual friends. Every time I talk to them now, they want to know if R1
and I have resolved the situation, what’s going on, am I still mad, et cetera. I’ve
tried to explain to them that this is probably a permanent split between the
two of us, but they don’t want to hear it and can’t really understand, since I
don’t feel comfortable discussing my reasoning with them. I have no idea what
she’s said to them (although I get the feeling that they’ve gotten more info
from her end than mine), but I just don’t feel right badmouthing her to
people that care about her, and unfortuately, I feel that any discussion of
her would turn into that.

Any ideas on how I can get them to back off without
spilling out the whole story to them, and in turn, completely dissing their
friend?

Thanks so much!
Trying To Be The Bigger Person

Dear Bigger,

Tell them exactly what you just wrote to me.”I don’t want to get into it — explaining the situation any further than I have would come off as badmouthing R1, which I don’t feel comfortable doing.Thanks for understanding.”Then change the subject.

On another note — I know you didn’t ask me about this part, but not speaking to R1 at all since she moved out seems extreme to me.Furthermore, getting to a point with her where you do speak might relieve the situation with the mutual friends, if that makes any sense; if you can resume civil interaction, the others will probably drop the subject.You don’t have to take her back into the fold if you don’t want to, but subtracting some of the We No Longer Speak drama from the equation might make it easier for you and your other friends to deal.Just a suggestion.

[8/29/02]

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