The Vine: August 3, 2000
Dear Sarah,I share a very small one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend in Boston. We are in the process of looking for bigger digs, but the apartment is not the problem…the problem is my sister.
L’il Sis just graduated from college in St. Louis. She has no money, and she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. There’s nothing wrong with either of these in itself, but she has decided that she wants to move to Boston. I wasn’t really thrilled to hear this because a) I rather like not having any of my family members within unannounced-visit distance and b) I don’t think she has any idea what she’s in for in terms of finding a job that will pay enough to keep her fed or an affordable apartment, despite numerous cautionary conversations. I’m three years older than she is and I’m still dealing with the same things myself.
L’il Sis has a couple of acquaintances from her high-school days in the area, but I’m really the only person she has here. Consequently, she’s enlisted my help in finding a place to live. I don’t mind going to look at apartments or meet potential roommates on her behalf, but I’ve done several already and it hasn’t been very effective (and I definitely can’t do anything for her in the job department).
The problem is that her job in St. Louis ends in mid-August and she has nothing set up. Even if she finds an apartment before then, move-in won’t be till September 1st. She’s asked if she could stay “for a few days” while she looks for a job and a place to live. As I mentioned above, I live with my sweetie and quarters are already pretty tight. There is also the fact that my boyfriend and my sister do not get along. So, basically, I appreciate her plight but I hate this idea. I’ve tried politely suggesting that she go home and stay with our parents, maybe coming out to my place for a day or two if she can get some interviews lined up ahead of time (she already came out for one weekend earlier this summer and got nothing accomplished). But she keeps asking, and my mother is making me feel guilty about it.
I’d rather be boiled in oil than have her take up residence on my couch for more than three days at a time (and that’s stretching it, as far as my living companion is concerned). How can I say this to her and the rest of the family in a nice yet firm way?
Thanks,
Big Sis
Dear Big,
“L’il Sis, I’d love to help, but our apartment just won’t accommodate more than two people, and since you and my honey don’t get along, I can’t have you to stay while you look for a job. I’m sorry.”
No maybes. No compromises. She’s a college graduate and she can shift for herself. Rehearse the words, deliver them, and politely decline to discuss it further; rehearse them again, deliver them to your mother, and again politely decline to discuss it further. They won’t like it, but giving in to the pressure they’ve put on you will just cause a bigger blow-up later – which, right before you politely decline to discuss it further, you might point out to them.
But hold the line. It’s not fair on you or your boyfriend to do otherwise, and if they can’t see that, that’s – as we used to say in fourth grade – their tough.
Tags: the fam
