Hi Sars,

Love your site, love your advice. I’ve been reading The Vine for a few months now, and you and I seem to see eye-to-eye on many things. So, I’m hoping that you can help me shift my perspective and deal with a situation that I am not happy to be in. In a nutshell, my brother is driving me nuts. He and my sisters are several years older than I am, and they are all much closer in age. I’m the baby by ten years. My brother is not an easy person to live with, and my sisters all learned that the hard way growing up with him. Since he is 16 years older than me, I missed out on a lot of that. So my opinion of him for many years was that he was a good person, but generally misunderstood. Now that I’ve gotten older (and wiser) I am starting to see an entirely different side of him. All too often, I see him behave in a selfish and childish fashion which is negatively impacting our relationship more and more. It is getting to the point where I can barely stand to be around him. Some examples: I do a lot of community theatre and invite him to every play (usually twice a year). He picks a date, says he’ll be there, and then doesn’t show up. No calls, no emails, no apologies, nothing. He only calls me when he wants help with his homework or fixing his computer. Whenever I call, the conversation always revolves around him and how much “his life sucks,” and he never even asks how I am. It makes me feel like he isn’t interested in my life. He blew off my husband’s bachelor party because he didn’t want to drive the 45 minutes it would have taken to get there. My brothers-in-law all made the effort to go, and most of them had to drive a lot further than he would have.

And the big one is that he walks all over my mother. This has become a major issue for me and has driven my sisters crazy for years. My mother is widowed, lives by herself, and at 65, still has to work to support herself. She barely has any disposable income at all. Yet without fail, my brother is constantly asking her for money. And she always gives it to him, because, well, he’s her son. I know she’d do it for any of us. For my brother (who is 43 years old and declared bankruptcy last year, I might add), she is his first option. He asked her for money after his divorce. He lived with her rent-free for six months after his divorce. She co-signed his car loan for him and he defaulted on his payments eight months later, so she had to sell the car and pay the remaining balance for him. There is much more, but I think you get the idea.

I know the situation with my brother and my mother is between the two of them, but it’s hard to not get angry at her for giving into him all the time and at him for taking advantage of her. And it’s hard to resist that urge to try and “fix” things. I’ve been able to refrain from getting involved, but it’s having a negative effect on my already strained relationship with my brother. So Sars, what do you when the glowing image that you once had of your big brother becomes more and more tarnished by reality? How do you deal with a person who seems to care only about himself and seems oblivious to the hurt he causes? I love my brother, but it is getting more and more difficult to remember that. Signed, Troubled Little Sister ————————————————————

Dear Sis,

Well, he’s a human being. He’s not very good at it, from what you’ve told me, but he’s not going to be perfect, either, so your first task is to accept that, when he fucks up, it’s got nothing to do with you most of the time. But that’s part of the problem, apparently — that nothing he does has to do with anyone but himself — and you need to speak plainly to him about how his flaking and self-absorption hurt your feelings and make you angry. Leave your mother out of it; just tell him, “I don’t like it when you say you’ll do something and then you don’t. You’ve done it before, and it makes me feel like you don’t care. Here are the following [X] instances when you bagged on something that was important to me, and I’ve had it. You always talk about yourself and never ask about me. You won’t make any effort to hang out with me or my husband. I am really mad. I love you, and I’ll get over it, but you need to know that this behavior is bullshit and I’m sick of it.”

Just rip a big old strip off him — he’ll live. I think you idolize him, still, a little bit, because he’s so much older and you’re used to thinking of him as this adult who should know better, but you’re both adults now, and it’s clear that he doesn’t, and at the very least you should put him on notice that he’s pissing you off if you haven’t done so already. As for the stuff with your mom…that’s between him and your mom, like you say, but you might just have a talk with your sisters about maybe broaching the subject with her. She’s nearing retirement age, and it’s past time for him to get off the maternal gravy train and learn to do for himself, so maybe it’s a good time to point out to her that she’s not really helping him become self-sufficient by enabling him all the time. ——————————————————————————–

Hi Sars, I guess summer carries with it a lot of wedding-related questions. Here’s mine: you said women shouldn’t wear black or white to a wedding. But does the rule change for a black-and-white print dress? The combination isn’t as mournful as all-black, nor as bride-emulatory as all-white. Thoughts? Thanks, Guess I Could Always Wear Pink

Dear Pink,

I believe I also said that nobody really cares what you wear if you aren’t the bride; if the cut and length are appropriate, a black-and-white print for a summer wedding is fine, I think. ——————————————————————————–

Sars,

I have a wedding/family etiquette question, which, of course, like all wedding questions is fraught with all the ghosts of the wedding fights of months past. I asked my twin brother to be in the bridal party, partially at the instigation of my mom, who thought he would be hurt if he wasn’t asked, and partially because he’s my only brother and while we are very different personally and politically, we are close in important ways. He’s in the military, but my fiance and I both prefer that he wear the same clothing as the groom and best man, the only other male attendant.

My mother thinks this is incredibly rude, that my brother will want to and should be able to wear his dress uniform. He would have to buy a black suit, which he doesn’t currently own, since he has uniforms for different levels of formal occasions. Financially, this would not be a burden for him, though it would be a bit of a hassle. Of course, this is not the whole issue. My fiance is from a pacifist family and he and I have both protested against the war, as has my fiance’s family. While this affects our desire to have a wedding party sans uniform, it’s largely just an aesthetic choice — small party, streamlined look. However, because of our political activism, we are being accused of trying to hide my brother’s affiliation at our wedding, and it’s been implied that we’re using our wedding as a political platform.

So here are my questions: Is it out of line to ask my brother to wear attire matching that of the groom and best man, even if it means he has to buy or rent (can you rent?) a suit for the occasion? What do you think is the best way to broach this topic with my brother, to keep it as unhurtful as possible? And is there a way to tell my mother that it’s not her business, even if she is paying for the vast majority of the wedding? What are the limits on parental input in that situation? Don’t really want to be Bridezilla

Dear Don’t,

Why is this becoming a whole flapdoodle when you haven’t even talked to your brother about it yet? Just tell him that you have a plan for the bridal party’s attire, tell him what that plan is, and see how he reacts. And one of two things is going to happen: 1. He’s going to say, “Okay, gotcha,” plan to buy or rent a black suit, and not fuss about it — and if your mother fusses about it, you can then tell her that if he didn’t think it was a big deal, she’ll need to drop it; or 2. He’ll say, “Oh, I thought I’d just wear my dress blues” (or whatever), in which case you let it go, because a guy in his dress uniform looks plenty formal, and “streamlining” is fine, but you have to pick your battles.

As for the pacifist issue…whatever. Surely everyone present at the wedding is mature enough intellectually to understand that a man or woman in uniform is not him- or herself responsible for the war, right? And that the people at the top who make the decisions that got the U.S. into Iraq are the ones to whom any comment should be addressed, right? Because your wedding is not the time, and he’s doing his job? Right? …Right. I thought so. So what’s the problem? Your mother’s taking the whole question way too seriously, but…the price of having your parents foot all or part of the bill is often a certain amount of obnoxious interference and unnecessary hand-wringing. This particular issue isn’t the one I’d plant my flag on if I were you.

Tell your brother the general idea. See how he reacts. If he’d rather not buy a black suit, well, move on to the next thing. It’s not like he’s insisting on jeans and a t-shirt, so, as painful as it might be to let your mother “get her way,” let it go. ————————–

Okay so I started this blog earlier in the year because I have about eight weddings to go to in the next eight months. I thought it would be really interesting to blog the experience of having all these different weddings to go to — how people do it, where, when, dresses and food and all that jazz. I got really pumped about it and, after attending the first of these weddings this past weekend, I realized something that put a real damper on it. How am I supposed to write about my friends’ weddings without offending anyone? For example, this first wedding was a HORRIBLE experience — bad location, bad food, bad DJ, cash bar…but I love the folks who got married and don’t want to offend them or make them want to harm me bodily… Any suggestions on how to…cheat the truth system? I want to be objective but…I feel bad now that I’ve thought this out a little further. Do you think a blanket disclaimer, along the lines of “My view of your nuptial ceremony in no way reflects my feelings for you as people and as friends so please don’t be offended if I hated your overcooked entree choices” would work? Or should I just say fuck ’em if they can’t take it and blog away?

Not like a lot of people read my blog as of yet but pretty much all the people whose weddings I’m invited to are alerted to updates. Which is so not working in my favor right now. Please and thank you for any sage words of wisdom. Fear And Loathing in Blogvegas

Dear Fear,

Are you…kidding me? Seriously. Are you? You’re…not. Okay. …No, sweetie. There is not in fact a way to Speak Your Truth about the weddings that don’t meet your rigorous standards without offending the bride and groom. If you’d rather get attention for your website than show any compassion, by all means, proceed. The world is waiting for your Washington Post-style exposé on overcooked entrees 1) for which you did not pay and 2) which are not the point.

Except the world isn’t really waiting for that, so much, so if you’d like to, you know, keep said friends, then the wedding lowlights are a matter for, at most, quiet gossip between you and other attendees. Whether you express your displeasure at other people’s tastes is up to you, but you are not owed a warm and fuzzy reaction. Come on. Show some sense. –

Dearest Sars,

I’m entering college as an undergrad this fall and I know I’m gonna be lost and confused for awhile. I love hearing reading about your experiences in college. They’re always entertaining and make me excited about going. Can you give me some advice on study habits, partying, relationships, etc.? Also, I was wondering, what did you major in? (If it was English, that’s what I’m planning on majoring in. What was your concentration?) Was your major hard? Was college hard? Did you adapt easily to being in college or was it a challenge? Did you hate a lot of your professors? Did they dislike you? An inquiring mind wants to know! Did you know that Michael Jackson and Latoya Jackson aren’t the same person?! ——————————————————————————–

Dear I Did Know That,

This is kind of a big subject, so first and most importantly: try not to worry too much, and try not to take anything I say as gospel. You’ll find your own way. It’ll take some time; that’s another thing to keep in mind. A lot of people kind of flail around freshman year, figuring out where they belong and what they’re doing. It’s normal. So, if you get to school and spend the first two weeks just wanting to go home, welcome to the club. As far as advice…again, your mileage will vary, but the trick with studying vs. partying is to find a good balance. I went out three nights a week for most of my college career and it wasn’t a problem; when I wasn’t getting studying done, it was because I was in Ernie’s room, making up rap songs about the butts of people we hated, not because I was out getting wrecked. Just give yourself some room to make the adjustment to college-level work, and I don’t necessarily mean that it’s so much harder. I went to a very tough prep school and the level of the work, and the volume, at university were often lower than in high school. I just wasn’t used to the lack of supervision. But I wasn’t used to pulling Ds on a midterm, either, and I had to do that a couple of times before finding my happy medium between work and play.

I majored in English with a creative-writing concentration. It was not a tough major at Princeton when I was there, frankly; it could be, if you challenged yourself, which I didn’t because I was doing my own writing for the creative writing department and working on a newspaper, but it could also be a gut. If I had known I could major in another department and still take a creative thesis, I’d have done that instead, because I’ll never have another chance to study Latin and I think I would have gotten more out of that. It wasn’t hard, really, because I read fast and I’m a good bullshitter, but if I had it to do over…eh. I could have read the classics on my own time. It’s a fine major, don’t get me wrong, but don’t lock yourself in to that before you’ve had a chance to see what else is out there.

College wasn’t hard for me; see above. I’d gotten top training in secondary school; I didn’t struggle in class, really, except when I’d let myself get behind. Adjusting to college life, though, is a different thing from adjusting to the workload. I’d gone to the same school my whole life, in the same town, and lived in the same house. I’d left the country exactly three times; two of those times were Bermuda and don’t count. I’d never gone to school with boys. I’d had maybe a dozen beers total. My parents were up in my shit 24/7, and then they were…not around. The food sucked. It was loud in the dorm. People were crazy in ways I hadn’t known existed.

But, you know, you manage. You figure it out. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens. I barely knew my professors, most of them. There’s one I still hate for stinging me with a C-plus on the paper I’d worked the hardest on, and for doing it dismissively and in pencil, but there were a few teachers there I really liked and respected. One professor saw the very first article I wrote for the paper and called me at my dorm room to compliment me on it; I’d never even taken his class (I did later, and it rocked), and he still took the time to say I had a great future in writing, which he didn’t have to do. I had a couple of crappy advisers, but my thesis adviser was wonderful and involved. But there isn’t a template for any of this stuff — a lot of it depends on your background, a lot of it depends on what you study, but mostly it depends on your school, how big it is, what kind of people tend to go there, who you become friends with, what your other interests are. Princeton is unique in certain ways that don’t apply to other schools — the Greek system is different, the eating club system is hard to explain, everyone has to write a senior thesis and not just honors students — but what I can tell you is to just get there and see.

It’s tempting to try to figure out beforehand what it’ll be like, to make it less intimidating, but in the end, you just have to go and start and see where the year takes you. It’s going to take you places you don’t expect, but usually, that’s a good thing. You’ll be fine. Just keep an open mind and never be afraid to ask for help.

[8/3/05]

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