Dear Sarah,

My brother and his fiancée will be getting married in a couple of weeks. This should be a time of joy, togetherness and warm family feeling.Well, the family feeling has been anything but warm lately on the bride’s side. You see, Bride had originally selected three attendants to stand up with her: me, a male friend, and her cousin.She and her cousin, although playmates as children, are not especially close, and in fact have not always gotten along in the past.However, Bride was persuaded to invite Cousin to take part in the wedding by other members of her family.Bride asked each of the female attendants to help with ideas for the attendant’s dresses they would wear, in terms of style, colour, etc.Cousin took this to mean that she herself would be in charge of selecting all of the attendants’ dresses, including those for the two females on the groom’s side, and she went ahead and picked out a rather slinky dress that only she would feel comfortable in.Bride went to see the dress at the bridal shop, and said thanks, but that it wasn’t what she had in mind for her wedding, but that she would be open to something a bit less revealing and wearable for all of the attendants, and in the meantime, she would wait to see what the other attendants came up with.

Well, Cousin blew her top.She sent a vicious email to Bride, and declared her intention to not be an attendant if her dress were not chosen.The message was so nasty, in fact, that Bride at first thought it was a joke –
but it wasn’t.Bride sent back a very polite, friendly and carefully worded email about not having intended to hurt Cousin, and about wanting her to be a part of the wedding, but restating her objections to the dress. Cousin got Aunt involved, and accusations flew, with the result that Cousin and all her immediate family have refused to even go to the wedding at all. Bride’s parents thought it was all a big kafuffle over nothing, until Bride showed them Cousin’s email and they heard how Cousin’s family are spreading misinformation to the extended family over Bride’s “insult” to her.Other extended family members have called Bride’s mom to let her have it over Bride’s creation of family disharmony.However, Bride’s parents are reluctant to take a stand on this and correct the misinformation, in case it makes things even worse, so it looks like the wedding day won’t be such a happy one on the bride’s side of the church.Bride and Groom and very upset by all of this, and it is casting a cloud over what should be a joyous day for them.

How could something so trivial have caused so much angst?I always thought that in the interests of friendship, an attendant would wear whatever the bride wanted, no matter how ridiculous.As it turns out, I will be wearing a very pretty and tasteful dress selected by the bride, with my input.How could Cousin be so petty as to allow herself to ruin someone else’s wedding day?Is there anything I can do, other than be a loyal sister-in-law to-be, and tell Bride and Groom how much all the rest of their family on both sides love and care for them, and want their day to be happy?At this point, I would like to cause serious harm to Cousin, although I am usually not that type of person!

Concerned Bridesmaid

Dear Bridesmaid,

I don’t think there’s anything you can do, except for the things you’ve mentioned: sticking by Bride, reminding her that it’s her and her future husband’s day in spite of Cousin’s behavior, doing everything you can to keep Bride from stressing out too much.Cousin is acting like a petulant toddler, but acknowledging her machinations will only validate them, so rise above it and encourage Bride to do the same.Remember, it’s the height of bad manners to point out someone else’s bad manners to them.

But, you know, accidents happen.When you told the attractive groomsman Cousin has her eye on that her doctors had upped her Thorazine schedule, you didn’t think he’d believe you…and of course you didn’t mean to step on the hem of her dress while you lined up for pictures, you feel just terrible that she pitched forward onto her hands and knees in front of the entire congregation…and you probably shouldn’t have rounded that corner so quickly with a glass of red wine in your hand, but you just know that a little cold water will get the stain right out…you just can’t apologize enough for your clumsiness, and you hope you haven’t ruined the wedding for her…oh, you have?Oh, my.Well, that’s too bad.But you hope she knows you’d never do any of these things, you know, on purpose, because you would never behave so rudely and selfishly as to carry out a personal agenda on another woman’s wedding day.

[Cough.]

[8/30/00]

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