Dear Sarah,

I’m hoping that you will be able to help me clear up two grammar
issues.Last year, I had an extremely anal teacher who wouldn’t let a
grammar error go unnoticed.I picked up the habit and have been questioning
a lot of what my new teacher says.I know that I am only in the ninth grade
and she has a college education, but I was wondering if you could tell me if
I am correct or if she is.

First, I have a question on the pronunciation of a word.In class, we
came across the word “whey” in our text book.Yes, “whey” — as in “curds and
whey.”The definition and pronunciation were noted in the margin, and the
pronunciation said to pronounce it as “way.”However, my teacher pronounced
it as “why” each time she said the word.My obsessive friends and I have
looked the word up in different dictionaries and we have never found it
pronounced “why.”Would you happen to know if there is an instance when the
word should be pronounced differently?

My second question involves the contraction for “there is.”I was
taught that “there’s” should be used when referring to a single object, like
“There’s a dog over there.”However, this year, I’ve seen it used to talk
about more than one thing, like “There’s dogs in the pet store.”I have
heard this used in spoken language before, but never written. Is this
acceptable?Thank you in advance…

Curds and “Why?”

Dear Curds,

The only variation in the pronunciation of “whey” is whether you vocalize the “h.”But whether you pronounce it with a clean “w” or with an aspirated “w,” it rhymes with “day.”(My ninth-grade teacher insisted on pronouncing the word “albeit” “all-bit,” to the merriment of my parents.”But Mrs. Faber says it that way!””Well, Mrs. Faber is a real comedian, because it’s pronounced ‘all-be-it.'”Just nod politely and pronounce it correctly yourself.)

As to “there’s dogs in the pet store,” you’ve more or less solved the mystery yourself.It’s grammatically incorrect, as you can see — “is” is a singular verb, “dogs” is a plural noun — but it’s a colloquial usage.I’ve employed it in my essays from time to time; it’s a less formal way of speaking, but in more formal writing, it’s not acceptable.(I suppose you could argue that it’s an informal grouping of dogs to make it a singular, like “the people,” but really, it’s just a vernacular tic.)Short answer: Correcting someone who says it is unnecessarily pedantic, but using it in your writing is not advised.

Dear Sarah,

I’m 20 years old, and currently studying abroad in Japan for a year, which
would be one of the greatest experiences of my life if not for a little thing
called an ex-fiancé standing like a huge road block in front of me.

My ex-fiancé and I were together for two years, but one year into our
relationship, I told him that I wanted to study abroad for a year (I told him
this before we were engaged).Instead of waiting for me, he decided that he
would study abroad with me.A year later, we’re ready to leave for Japan
except, four days before our departure, he smacks me in the face with the
words, “I don’t think we`d be happy as a married couple, so I don’t think we
should see each other anymore.”He gave me no other reason than this: “I’m
not the kind of person that can be close to someone.”Well, bud, you could
have figured that one out by the end of the first month.This was my
sentiment.

Okay, besides being obviously confused and pissed off, I dealt with it.He
told me that he really wanted to be friends, and I accepted that.When we
arrived in Japan, and they handed us our class schedules, he and I had the
exact same classes.Yippee.There was no escaping each other now.

Of course, there are only twelve of us Americans in this crazy country, so all of
us are really tight.We all hang out together regularly.However, my ex has
been obviously uncomfortable around me the whole time, especially when I try
to talk with him.Our mutual friends told me that they talked with him and
said that it was making the rest of the group uncomfortable by the way he was
treating me, but he said that there wasn’t a problem that he could see.

I then bucked it up and went to his room, sat down, and talked with him.He
gave me the shallow excuses “I didn’t know if your intentions were pure to
be friends” and “I was giving you time to heal.”Well, I assured him I
didn’t want to get back together with him, and that I had had sufficient time
to heal, so he said that he would give friendship a try, but that it would
take him time because he’s still uncomfortable around me.This confused me
greatly.I mean, shouldn’t I be the uncomfortable one?He WAS the one that
ditched me.Anyway, I agreed and gave friendship another try with him.

It’s been a month since that conversation, and so far, our “friendship” has
been completely one-sided.If I never made the effort to talk to him, it
would be a cold day in hell before he would talk to me.Whenever I do try to
hold a conversation with him, he treats me like I’m an annoying little sister
he was forced to babysit.I ask him to do something, he says he’s tired.
Five minutes later, his other friend asks him to do the exact same thing, and
he’s all for it.

I really want to be friends with him, because we have a history, and you can’t
just form that with someone.It takes time.We also obviously have a lot in
common, and I want someone to talk to about this experience when I get back to
America.The general advice I’ve heard is, “Just ignore him.Forget about
him.He’s not worth it.”Well, it isn’t that easy.We see each other every
day.I also still love him, and I will always love him.I can’t just forget
about him, especially when we’re forced to be so close.

Thanks for reading this long email.Do you have any words of wisdom?

Rally

Dear Rally,

Why do you want to be friends with him?I don’t ask in a flip way; you need to think about that.He behaved really insensitively; he’s continuing to do so.Do you want a friend like that?If all you have in common is history — a history in which he yanked the rug out from under you emotionally, and for which he seems to have no particular fondness or respect — that’s not enough.

I think it’s partly fear on your part — fear that, if you stop making the effort, he’ll just let you go without a fight; fear that you just don’t mean that much to him, even as a friend, because that would really hurt.And it will, if that’s how it plays out, but…”I also still love him, and I will always love him.”You haven’t let go, and you need to.

The two of you considered making a life together, and then he shafted you.The circumstances of your going abroad haven’t really let you get the necessary distance on that, but try to put some emotional miles between you and your ex.Stop trying to force a friendship; stop trying to get something from him that he can’t give you — or won’t, because he’s a choad.Behave civilly to him, and insist that he do the same for you, but don’t expect anything else.

You think you need his friendship, for a lot of (understandable) reasons, but you don’t really, for just as many reasons.

Hi there Sars,

Here’s the thing. I met a boy last summer. I didn’t really go for him, but I
kind of admired him. He’s a very talented novelist, you see. Yeah, published
— and that is part of the thrill. I really get off on what he can do with
words. What I didn’t expect is that we would strike up an email relationship
that would see us getting on better and better, albeit in text, and us
eventually meeting up again and, six months down the line, becoming a
couple.

The problem — if it is a problem — is that, while I have come to really love
him and his brain and his personality and I know he is very good for me and
that he loves me hugely, I don’t know if I fancy him. Which seems such a
small thing, in comparison to all the things that we have in common and all
the things we have shared, but I don’t look at him and go
OHMYGODYOU’RESOOOOBEAUTIFUL. He’s wonderful and kind and the loveliest kind
of man, and sometimes I worry that I am going to lose the best thing I ever
had if I leave him for some louche pretty boy, purely because my loins tell
me to.

So my query is: Are aesthetics vital in a relationship? Or can you love a
humdrum-looking guy for his soul and talent alone?

Yours,
Wondering, Do You Love The One You’re With?

Dear Wondering,

Of course you can.It’s not as simple as “aesthetics,” though, because attraction doesn’t work like that.Sometimes you crave a boy who’s a jackass even though the two of you can barely make conversation about the weather.Sometimes you dig a boy’s mind the most, but when the two of you kiss, it’s like when you made Barbie and Ken make out as a kid — it looks like kissing, but nothing’s really happening.And sometimes there’s a boy who you wouldn’t look twice at in a crowd if you didn’t know him, but one day over vodka tonics you get into an argument about David Fincher and it all comes together, and everything about him is everything you never knew you wanted.

It’s not about whether he’s objectively good-looking.It’s never about that.It’s about whether a sexual attraction can follow an emotional and intellectual one, and as I said, of course it can and often does.But it doesn’t always, and you can’t necessarily count on it to follow later, and that sucks — you find a wonderful guy, you can talk to him about anything, it’s all dreamy, but you just don’t feel it below the waist.It doesn’t mean you don’t love him.It doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with him.It means you’re not attracted to him.

If that’s the case, I can’t tell you where you should go with it from here.Lots of people look at an equation like that and say, “Well, I can live without a certain fire in the groin since everything else is so good.”Lots of other people can’t hack that.Either way, you can’t force an attraction that isn’t there, and only you can say how important it is to you that it’s there or not.

[8/30/02]

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