The Vine: August 31, 2011
I have an issue driving me crazy that I would love to get some perspective on from you and your readers.
I have a coworker who makes me crazy. I’m tempted to give you a bunch of reasons and examples, but will just leave it at that for now for the sake of brevity.
The current issue that I need perspective on is pumping etiquette. And by “pumping,” I mean the kind that lactating mothers do when they work fulltime but wish to provide breast milk for their child.
I am formerly (and soon to be again) a nursing mom who works fulltime. I strongly support a woman’s ability to comfortably pump at work. My workplace has been accommodating in this regard, and I know how fortunate that is. I feel that my coworker abuses this privilege and that’s what’s driving me nuts.
She leaves for at least 30 minutes at a time, but is getting paid for it, and often still takes her regular breaks as needed on top of this. We are hourly, not salaried, so she is being paid for an hour a day that she is not only not working, but is completely unavailable to work. She leaves at very specific times that are particularly busy times here and is unwilling to change these times by even 10 minutes. She is our medical office’s front desk secretary. She expects either for me to cover the desk for her, or for the staff here to just watch for their own patients. If someone comes to the front desk, and she has NOT arranged with me ahead of time to cover for her, there is no one to address the patient/guest/random information-seeker. This usually leads to employees whose job is not to be secretary scrambling to help the person.
After trying to fit in my own pumping into my 15-minute breaks and to work those around the business of the office, I am really bothered by what I feel is her taking advantage of the compassion of our supervisor and coworkers. I don’t feel you should be able to take an hour of paid breaks whenever you want simply because you’re lactating. I feel this type of situation makes it harder for reasonable women to get pumping rights.
She has not actually cleared all these specifics with anyone, she just assumed it’s fine, and no one wants to look like the jerk who makes a stink about her pumping. I’m quite sure our supervisor doesn’t know the exact situation. I don’t want to tattle, because I really appreciate that there IS a little leeway with pumping here and I don’t want to spoil that. Also, that’s just not someone I want to be. I’m also not sure if I’m all irritated about this simply because I don’t like her and find so much of her other behavior annoying, passive-aggressive, and judgmental. And lastly, it’s not my business. If I am unavailable to cover, I say so (although then she leaves anyway, and I or other staff have to deal with the front desk because our office doesn’t just stop operating for 30 or 40 minutes at a time). I am not her boss, so it’s not really up to me to say anything.
Am I being a jerk? Do you have any advice for dealing with this? I considered trying to just shame her by asking, under the pretense of my own pregnancy, whether no one minds that she leaves to pump for long times without swiping out and whenever she damn pleases. But that would make me just as passive-aggressive as her. Plus, I suspect she has no shame.
Crying Over Pumped Milk?
Dear Pumped,
“Jerk” is a little strong. I think you resent your co-worker for “getting away with” getting paid for an hour she’s not working, and not making a genuine effort to fit her pumping into off hours and/or breaks — an effort you do make (or have made), at some inconvenience to yourself. Taking the time to understand and follow rules, only to see others break them, or remain blissfully ignorant of their existence, without negative consequences is really annoying.
So, I empathize, but give yourself a few minutes to seethe, and then ask yourself, “How does this actually affect me?” If the answer is, “I have to cover for her and do extra work, and it’s stressing me out,” great — now you have a concrete thing that you can do, or stop doing, to reduce your aggro in the situation. If she asks you to cover, tell her you can’t; if she doesn’t ask you and the desk is unmanned, let other people scramble (and get sick of scrambling). Not your problem.
But if the answer is something more like “but it’s not FAAAAAAIIRRRRR!”, well…you know. I agree with you, and I know you don’t want her selfish apple to spoil the pumping-policy barrel for you down the line by exploiting it, but unless or until she does interfere with your shit directly in that way, you have to let it go, for your own sanity. There’s always going to be That Guy whizzing past on the shoulder during a traffic jam, or dicking up the express checkout with 12 items, or otherwise not caring (or knowing how to pretend to care) that other people exist. I find a cheery, yet petty, mantra like “good luck, and sorry about your face!” does wonders for my attitude in those situations; feel free to use that one.
But otherwise, let it go. She’s an ass; until that’s demonstrably your problem, that’s…not your problem.
Tags: Congratulations: You're That Guy workplace
I agree with Sars on this. I’ve never had to pump, but I know the feeling of I-follow-the-rules-but-that-person-doesn’t-it’s-so-unfair all too well. I’m always on time or early to work, and I live relatively far from my workplace. Meanwhile there’s people who live really close to work who are always late for every shift. It sucks but there’s nothing I can do about, so I had to learn to let it go. I learned from my mom that it’s not worth getting worked up about things we have no control over. My late arriving co-workers will always arrive late, that’s just how it is.
Not that it makes your situation easier, Pumped, but your employer is legally required to allow your coworker to use break time above and beyond the breaks she was otherwise entitled to in order to express breast milk, each time she has need to express breast milk, with need being defined by the employee (assuming you’re writing from the U.S.). That’s been the law since March 2010, and was included in the healthcare reform.
Your employer don’t have to pay her for the extra break time, but a lot of employers are confused about what they are required to do under this law. So it may not just be that supervisor doesn’t know the specifics of what is going on but that he doesn’t know if he is legally allowed to request that your co-worker fit her pumping schedule around the needs of the business.
One good thing, though, it that her behavior should not impact how your employer reacts to women in the future who need to use break time to express breast milk. The employer is required to allow them to use the time, period–no matter whether previous employees have been taking advantage.
Here is a Department of Labor website on the new law, in case anyone is interested: http://www.dol.gov/whd/nursingmothers/faqBTNM.htm
And the usual disclaimer, although I am a lawyer, none of the above it intended as legal advice.
Yeah, been there, done that. Walking a mile in a blizzard to work only to have the brat, who lived two blocks away from me, call out because of the weather. Not fair, but such is life. I always hope that Karma will find these people someday.
Congratulations on your newest bundle of joy and cuteness!
I was going to jump in here and say what Nicole J. said.
….and following on that (and I’m going to be a bit harsh here), it sounds like you might be playing the martyr a bit. You note that you always try to fit pumping into your existing breaks — and that’s great — but you don’t have to do that. (Again, note what Nicole J. said.) It’s easy to be annoyed with a co-worker who appears to be taking advantage of everyone else’s willingness to be accommodating, but it’s even easier to be annoyed when you are doing the opposite, and going out of your way to AVOID inconveniencing others (whether it’s necessary or not). Frankly, that’s only sustainable for so long. You have a right to a pumping break, so take it. In this respect, your actions (fitting your pumping breaks into your existing breaks, etc.) might be just as passive-aggressive as your co-worker’s more overtly passive-aggressive behavior (which you don’t describe, but I’ve worked with that person, so yeah, I get it).
For your own sanity, let this go. And when the time comes for you to be the one pumping, remember that you are entitled to that time BY LAW and don’t feel guilty about taking it, even if it means your co-workers may have to pick up your slack for a little bit.*
*And I don’t mean that you should do what your co-worker is doing and not communicate to the office about your needs and timing, etc. That is definitely obnoxious. Obviously be as considerate as possible. But recognize that there will be times when you need to pump and that might inconvenience others a little bit. And when that happens, apologize and move on without feeling guilty.
Pumped, You might want to consider whether your co-worker actually needs that long. Every woman is different and some, including myself, have a hell of a time expressing milk. I’m lucky, I’m Canadian and get a year of maternity leave so I don’t really have to pump, but when I do it’s always a carefully timed ordeal. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had to do it at work.
Now that doesn’t mean that your co-worker isn’t a shirker who’s using this as an excuse to take more time off work, but it may just be that she needs more time than you.
To reiterate what JennyB said, I also found that I needed a full half hour (including set up and break down which I had to do every time) to pump. If I took less time, I got next to nothing. If I went off schedule, I sometimes had problems with quantity too. Your co-worker should still totally be considerate, at the very least in communication, and it sucks that she’s not that kind of person. When I am bothered by this kind of thing, I try to keep in mind that karma usually catches up with people, for good and for bad.
Hi there, I’m the original poster. Thanks so much to Sars and others for your advice so far. I can say I’ve calmed down since writing the letter, and since receiving the same good advice from my mother who knows everything. Meaning, I’ve let this go somewhat and tried not to get so personally upset about it. I’m dealing with it on a strictly “does this negatively affect my job and how do I deal with that professionally?” basis. Like, I know that part of the problem is that I really dislike this woman. (and as an aside to the commenter who suggested that she just may have a harder time expressing milk: I had to LOL because she has personally told me when I was relating my struggles with pumping that she was blessed with the perfect lactating breasts that perfectly produced far more milk than I was able to AND more quickly and isn’t that just perfect?)
Thanks so much for the info on the federal law, I wasn’t aware of that and am incredibly glad to hear it. I may not seem like it, but I am ALL ABOUT breastfeeding rights. At the time I had my daughter, there were no such laws, and in my state, there weren’t any laws about pumping rights at work.
I think that, as a woman who struggles to produce enough milk, I could really be helped by laws that say I can pump as needed. Then the issue becomes my own personal struggle with not being the person I was previously bitching about, lol.
The leaving-people-to-scramble issue is separate from the pumping issue. As mentioned above, the pumping breaks are required by law, and you should definitely take advantage of their availability.
The other issue, that your co-workers leaves without having someone to cover for her, is something you could address with a higher-up in the workplace. It’s unprofessional and a hassle for others in the office. I think it’s reasonable to speak up about that.
Of course, consider that your co-worker won’t be pumping forever, and eventually the problem will resolve itself.
If co-worker is taking her pumping breaks at the same-ish time every day for the same-ish amount of time, why not… schedule front desk coverage for those times? Come up with some kind of rota where Becky covers on Mondays, Jeff on Tuesdays, etc. If she’s getting up and running off randomly, then yeah, that’s stupid and sucky, but if there’s a pattern, why not try to work with that instead of getting all het up about it? You’ll curdle your milk! <<– my mom actually said that to me, her rage-a-holic daughter. Not true. :)
Perhaps if you can find a middle ground with this lady, she will be open to accommodating you when your time to pump arises. Maybe not, but it's infinitely more satisfying to kill 'em with kindness than it is to be all mad and pissy.
That said, I have worked with That Person before so I am hearing your mad, but having also *been* That Person, I am also sure that she isn't noticing your huffy sighs and if she does notice, girl does not care. [hugs]
I am a currently lactating/working full time/pumping at work mom who also struggles with supply, so I can sympathize!
I’m glad you’ve calmed down a bit on the aggro of the situation, and the only other thing I have to offer is that it’s temporary. Hopefully her goal is to pump until her little one is a year old, and hopefully you’re more than halfway there (or sooner depending on when you’re expecting your own little one).
Following on the idea of reducing aggro, you say that you are really into pumping rights, which is great — so am I — but you worry in your letter that Bitch’s behavior will ruin such rights for all women.
Um, no. Don’t go cosmic. One woman’s assholery will not change Federal law. And you really don’t want to work yourself into that kind of “But what will we DO???” angst. It isn’t useful. It sounds like your workplace is great, so concentrating on that positive should help you let Bitch’s unprofessional behavior wash over you. If she’s THAT unprofessional, her supervisor is probably aware of it anyway, or soon will be.
Is there a general term in the realm of philosophy or psychology for this type of “live and let live” (or rather “live and let be a douche”) attitude? I’ve tried to communicate it to people who get all bent out of shape when someone takes advantage or cuts a corner, that “but it’s not FAAAAAAIIRRRRR!” is not a healthy thing to hold onto for long.
Don’t be afraid to get your supervisor involved in the desk coverage (not a pumping rights debate) issue. It’s her job, that’s supervising. It really seems, in the US at least, that preganant women and new mothers are tossed into the pool of office politics vs. personal needs with the fed and state statutes as life preservers, but no one on duty, as it were. I have a feeling that’s part of the reason why (aside from your dislike for this person) that it’s so damn frustrating to deal with this: it’s 2011, Goddamnit! Why do I still have to flail and tiptoe and apologize for having a damn baby and the needs that go with that baby?? Why does one person’s behavior still feel like it’s going to Ruin Everything for Everyone Forever?
How you feel about Coworker is understandable but private. How she acts involves the office but is her issue. How the office is run per federal statutes and women’s rights to nurse/pump milk is the issue the supervisor should be dealing with, WITHOUT politcal fallout.
I can’t speak to what the co-worker is doing. Perhaps she’s rude and irresponsible. I also can’t say that the letter writer has the attitude I’m about to describe. Of course I have no firsthand knowledge of the situation. But I do think there is a strain of American thought that leads to martyrdom and a race to the bottom, especially about work. Perhaps the attitude comes from a Puritan work ethic, maybe not. But it is distinctly harsh.
In its worst aspect, it faults people for exercising their rights and for having the benefits that lead to a middle class lifestyle. I see people saying things like “I don’t have a good pension, so other people shouldn’t either.” instead of “Other people have a good pension, and I should too.” In my head, I always counter. The problem is never that someone has something good. The problem is always that everyone doesn’t.
I can see how someone cheating the system would be infuriating and for all we know, that’s what’s happening. But someone working the system shouldn’t be. If there are holes because of someone using the full extent of the system, that may point out areas where the system needs to be fixed. Or it may mean that employers are counting on an American/puritan work ethic in their employees to subsidize their business by assuming that employees will willingly forfeit some of their rights.
I’m on an only-tangentially-related soapbox here, and maybe trying to illuminate a problem that isn’t in play here. Mostly, congratulations on your soon-to-come child. All health to your baby, and all smoothness with your breastfeeding. If you need time to pump at work, take it. It is already yours. The nation, through its government, decided that was important to us.
I’ve tried to communicate it to people who get all bent out of shape when someone takes advantage or cuts a corner, that “but it’s not FAAAAAAIIRRRRR!” is not a healthy thing to hold onto for long.
It is almost impossible to overstate the extent to which “Someone [black] somewhere might get something undeserved” motivates our political realms. Think how much time we spend making sure that people are really poor enough for food stamps, or really deserve a government benefit. Verifying that is itself a cost, but it the fear itself, that someone is getting something UNFAIR shows how impoverished and scared people have gotten.
Fundamentally, nothing bad will happen if someone gets more than she deserves. There will not be a plague of locusts. Lightning will not strike. Someone will get a little extra that she didn’t earn. That is only terrible if you think it will happen enough, and it will cost you personally something you have, and if you feel so close to the edge that you cannot lose whatever small piece you contribute to the unfair part.
There’s another phrase I find helpful in these situations: “S/he’s not taking MY money.” I’m very petty by nature, and writers do a lot of comparing and snitting about pay grades and advances and whatever all else, and yes, it’s probably unfair that, say, J-Woww got a book deal on the basis of fame-whoring.
But on the other hand, she’s apparently GOOD at fame-whoring; I actually like her (and own the book), so whatever; and she didn’t take MY money. I was not in line for that contract. It does not hurt (or help) me that she gets money. You could probably make the argument on a macro publishing level, but honestly, life’s too short, and you can sit around being unproductively mad about all the money other people get, or you can go try to make your own.
Again, I’m the least Zen person ever, so I understand the instinct, believe me. But forcing your eyes back onto your own paper is better for your long-term mental health.
Important to remember that the OP didn’t know about the 2010 law, and she had a legitimate concern that someone else’s behavior might impact whatever policies her office had right before she was going to need them. I don’t think she was worried that one woman’s behavior would change Federal law (which is, of course, ridiculous). I think she was worried that one woman’s behavior might change the climate at her office (which is not).
@ Pumped: “(and as an aside to the commenter who suggested that she just may have a harder time expressing milk: I had to LOL because she has personally told me when I was relating my struggles with pumping that she was blessed with the perfect lactating breasts that perfectly produced far more milk than I was able to AND more quickly and isn’t that just perfect?)”
Well now I hate her too, on general principle.
Nicole–there’s a lesser requirement for small workplaces, though, right? They don’t have to provide pumping breaks if it would create an undue hardship. Not that having to cover a desk position rises to that–I’m just speaking of the law generally. (It also looks like she might not be entitled to be paid on the extra breaks, but 1) we don’t have enough info and 2) that’s not the OP’s problem.)
OP, if being asked to cover the desk more often is interfering with your work, that’s something you can talk to your supervisor about. I’d stay away from the general “she’s taking advantage of the system” and just ask how s/he wants you to prioritize thing and if there are any ideas about generally covering the front desk. Or you could follow Rachel’s excellent suggestion and take the lead–with your supervisor’s approval–to set up a rota to ensure there isn’t a scramble, because it’s on the chart who gets called for coverage when.
Megan, I love your points here. It’s like the whole world is a rivalrous younger sibling. Even I, an actual rivalrous younger sibling, tire of it. (And you ever notice that somebody who says she “believes in karma” means that other people will deserve the bad things that happen to them, not that she deserved the bad thing that happened to her?)
The law states that for all workplaces with 50 or more employees, or less than 50 who can comply without undue hardship, must provide sufficient, unpaid time and a place other than a bathroom for a woman with an infant under 1 year of age to pump. State laws can provide greater rights as can employers, but under federal law she should be clocking out for pumping. An hour in addition to her other breaks (assuming two 15 and at least 30 for lunch) seems excessive but the law does not specify what “sufficient” is, so that’s kind of up to the employer and employee to decide upon.
This idea may be passive aggressive, but i see it more as quietly assertive:
Could you put a bell and note on the front desk, reading ” Please Ring bell if no one is at the desk.” ?
It would call someone to the desk when needed, and the bell ringing would be an audible signal to management how many times the front desk is NOT being covered. Getting a real plan to make sure the front desk is covered is a business decision, regardless of the cause.
@ Pumped:
having been both in the position of not lactating enough (when daughter was a newborn) and hyperlactating later on (sometimes feeding on demand and pumping to stimulate production work too well), the latter comes with its own issues. It’s taken me months and planning to get my production under control. It was not uncommon for me to be constantly hurting because my milk ducts were full, and foregoing pumping/nursing to relieve the pressure creates its own problems: I had numerous instances of clogged milk ducts that resulted in painful boobs and having to basically pump around the clock to get them to unblock, or risk mastitis.
This is to say that perhaps the frequent pumping breaks might be something she needs *because* she gets engorged easily. Have you tried bringing that up as an excuse to broach the issue?
In its worst aspect, it faults people for exercising their rights and for having the benefits that lead to a middle class lifestyle”
The OP didn’t say anything like this. And someone who insists on her “rights” to the detriment of her relationship with her colleagues might want to rethink that position.