The Vine: August 4, 2010
Dear Sars,
I’m a 28-year-old female, and I would like advice on how to ask my mother some uncomfortable questions.
I have never met or even seen a photo of my biological father, and only know a few details about him: his name, and possibly his profession from 30 years ago. The person who I think of as my dad married my mom when I was 2 years old, so I don’t remember life without him, but have always been aware that he’s not my biological father.
I’ve been curious about my biological father for years, and had one of my friends do some searching online, and found two people who are very likely my half-siblings, one of whom looked remarkably like me. I haven’t contacted them, but I’m curious about them too: would we share any other similarities? How did my mom and my biological father meet? Does he know that I exist?
The last time my mom and I talked about this in any way was seven years ago, and our relationship was especially fragile at the time, so I didn’t ask all of the questions I had then, and certainly not the ones I’ve developed since, going through the process of young adulthood. I have no idea about how to bring these questions up, or if I have any “right” to bring them up. I don’t want to spring these questions on her without warning, but I also don’t want to offend, and since we’ve talked about it so rarely, I feel as though this subject may be offensive to her or my sociological dad.
My mom and I talk about once a week on the phone about fairly light topics, and see each other in person maybe once every other month (we live in different cities) and very rarely see each other one-on-one. Oh, it also may be relevant that I’m a PhD-level geneticist by training, so it’s fairly transparent that I have more than a garden-variety interest in inherited characteristics and in heredity’s influence on health or behavior-related conditions.
Paternally Curious
Dear Pat,
Yes, you have the right to raise these questions. This is your biological parent; you need the information — medically, emotionally — so that you can incorporate it into your sense of self.
Your mother probably compartmentalized him away from you years and years ago so as not to confuse you, or interfere with your relationship with your dad, and that’s fine — but you’re a grown-up now.
Tell your mom that you hesitate to bring up a sore subject, but you have to: you want more information about your biological father. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the man who raised you, or consider him your “real” dad; it doesn’t mean you judge her for choosing not to reveal these facts before now. You’re sure she made the decision she thought was best. But this is half of your genetic code, and big part of your family history that’s just…dark, and you hope she can throw some light on it. And if she can’t, or won’t, you’ll try to understand — but you’ll start looking for him yourself.
You can have a separate discussion with your sociological dad (good term, by the way) and tell him more or less the same thing — you love him, and this isn’t about him as a parent, but you want to know. No doubt they did have their reasons for not enlightening you, and it’s not irrelevant that your bio dad hasn’t reached out to you his own self, but if all you know about this person is that he walked out of your life, never to return, never to be spoken of, that’s not a mystery that should remain unsolved.
Try to find a way to let your parents know that, while you don’t want to disturb their peace of mind with this issue, it’s about your peace of mind, too.
Hi Sars,
I’ve been with my partner for five years, living with him for nearly four years of it. He’s a loving partner, an extremely intelligent person and a future scientist, planning to finish up his PhD at a prestigious university by the end of summer.
Despite ample intelligence and opportunities, my partner is so full of self-doubt and self-loathing that he cannot finish anything he begins. Usually it’s a miracle if he even begins. His procrastination affects everything in our household and our lives: from washing dishes to the completion of his degree.
Frankly I’m tired of the whole situation. I hate asking him to do things over and over again — it feels like nagging. Even the simplest things take ages to get done. I must admit that I get really unreasonable over the littlest thing these days because my patience is wearing so thin. This morning he accused me of raking him over the coals because we couldn’t go grocery shopping. He’s completely right: I pitched a gigantic hissyfit over him arguing about going another time and taking so long to get off the couch. By the time he was finally ready, I was upset and depleted and refused to go. I was angry all day and at one point had to tell him exactly how fed up I am with all of this. Approximately the millionth iteration of this conversation that we’ve had so far, trust me.
His reaction is always the same too: defensiveness, accusing me of not being able to let the little things go, me explaining that the little things are emblematic of the big fluorescent elephant in the room, eventual understanding on his part (with a good amount of self-pity thrown in) and a promise to do better (never happens beyond a checklist for the next day).
Some more context for today’s blow-out: I left my incredibly stressful, low-paying job in May and he had promised that he would support me financially until I went back to school in September. In essence that means transferring a not-insignificant sum of money to my account each month so that I can pay my phone and credit card bills. Despite me reminding him over and over to send some money at the beginning of the month, he procrastinates until I’m in tears and about to hide my head in the sand in humiliation. I have a very difficult relationship with people supporting me monetarily to begin with (due to having soul-sucking, unsupportive, abusive parents) and having to beg like this is incredibly draining. All of this simmering underneath made today’s fight so much more vicious and miserable.
Plus, I also found out that he had never sent an email reply he wrote and showed to me in 2007 after his ex called me “a controlling psycho.” That revelation, to be honest, made me laugh and cry at the same time because in the back of my head I always knew he hadn’t pressed “send” on that draft. Another thing he couldn’t finish, and the worst part is that he then lied to me about it for the next three years.
Now I don’t know what to do. He’s asked for forgiveness, made the customary checklist for tomorrow and agreed to see a therapist. But it’s been a whole day and I’m still not over it. I’m very seriously thinking of ending this relationship. I love him dearly (in fact, he’s the only person I’ve ever been in love with) and he has lots of other amazing qualities. But five years of him dragging his heels on everything is making me majorly resent him and is coloring my perception of all those other qualities. Every once in a while (say once every three/four months), I even dream about being in a relationship with a near-clone of my partner who doesn’t have an extreme procrastination issue.
I’ve spent a significant part of my early twenties with him and except for this, we’re quite happy. Should I break up with him? Should we try to work things out? Any advice (or rebuke) you and your readers can dispense would be greatly helpful.
Slowly going crazy
Dear Slow,
You can’t change him. He won’t change himself. You keep behaving the same way yourself, expecting a different result from the one you always get; this is what has to change.
Breaking up with him is one way to go about that, if you sincerely believe that his procrastination and foot-dragging is a sign that he doesn’t care about you or your feelings, and based on the other things you’ve told me — that he’s consumed with self-loathing; that he can’t even start things sometimes, much less finish them — it’s possible that that’s the case. It’s not because he doesn’t love you; it’s because he’s depressed and hates himself, and that consumes his focus, and you can have compassion for that without wanting to live with it anymore, if you know what I mean.
You say that, “except for this, we’re quite happy,” but “this” is almost all there is, from what I can tell. It affects your finances, it affects your relationship (the lying about the email), it even affects basic errands. Whether you realize it consciously or not, you’re always waiting for him to ruin an evening or an outing (or your credit) by taking forever, not doing his shit, running late. It creeps in everywhere.
So: yes, breaking up with him is a valid option, because this is who he is, at least right now, and if you can’t deal with it, you can’t.
But another valid option is to tell him, look, I can’t do this anymore, so I’m…not going to. He’s going to go to therapy, and stick with it, or he’s not, but you need to let him know that you can’t keep having these conversations. Ask him to let you finish speaking, and explain that, when it takes him forever to do things or even get out the door, it feels like he doesn’t care about you. Explain how that ties in to your upbringing. Explain that the lie about the email made you feel like he sold you out. Then say that, from now on, either he’s ready to leave when you’d planned, or you’ll leave without him; either he transfers the money on time, or you’ll stand next to him at the computer or on the phone until it’s done. Again: he’s going to do what he’s going to do, but you can’t live like this, and won’t, so you are going to institute some changes, and if things don’t improve for you, you will leave.
You can also decide for yourself that you just won’t take these things personally anymore — just won’t get upset about them, just won’t get frustrated when it never changes. And he’s not really doing this “to” you; he just does it, because it’s how he is. But if he doesn’t end up going to the therapist, or only goes once, I would seriously consider folding the tents. This pattern of behavior is not entirely his “fault,” but his failure to address it isn’t your fault, either.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
@Slow – everything Sars said plus one practical solution to the money problem. Set up a monthly automatic transfer from his account to yours to cover the phone and credit card bills, or if the amounts vary too wildly for a fixed monthly amount to cover them, set up automatic payments directly to the phone and credit card companies from his account that will cover those bills. That will alleviate him needing to remember to transfer money to you and will eliminate that particular source of stress. You can get the paperwork filled out and bring it to him to sign once and it will be done for the duration.
Slowly — break up with him now, today. What good is it to have a “loving partner” if you can’t count on him for anything, and his word is worthless? In a few months you’ll look back and wonder how you put up with it as long as you did. Good luck.
Slow, has your partner ever considered that he might have ADD? The procrastination coupled with the self-loathing tipped me off. Having had some experience with adults with ADD, they’re usually motivated to do something, but not see it through, and then they get quite down on themselves for all the things they didn’t accomplish. And to the person they’re dating, the lack of follow-through comes across as a lack of caring.
@Pat, I had a similar conversation with my own parents recently — not about a biological parent, but about long-lost half-siblings whose profiles I found on facebook. I told each of my parents separately (they are my dad’s children from a brief first marriage and I am an only child) and said pretty much what Sars recommended: “Wanting to know is not any kind of rejection or judgment of my childhood. Please tell me what you can, if you can’t, I’m going to do some looking on my own.” My parents were curious, cautiously optimistic and gave me both their blessings and their preference for their own privacy.
The results were enlightening but unremarkable. I’m now fb friends with two “sisters” … they live far away, so we haven’t met … but the door is finally open. I know what you mean about the pictures — what a feeling it is to see aspects of your own face looking back at you for the first time!
Good luck and best wishes to you, your parents and your bio-dad.
Slow, wow, your letter pushed a button for me. My husband isn’t a procrastinator, but he has his own schedule and sticks to it, regardless of outside influences, a lot of the time. I’ve learned to try to separate out things he does that are genuinely annoying to me as part of a couple (when you load the dishwasher, turn it ON!)and things that may be annoying to me but aren’t, for lack of a better term, my business, exactly. For instance,he likes to get his drawing work done first thing, than shower later in the day, while I don’t feel like I’ve really started my day until I’ve showered, but it’s really not my place to tell him how to organize that for himself as long as it doesn’t interfere with work I’m trying to get done.
But you’re way beyond that, judging from the terms of your letter. I would recommend telling your boyfreind that you will be attending counseling, regardless of whether he goes or not. This problem has infused not only your relationship, but your personal brain space–your finances, your peace of mind–and you need an outside professional’s help to get organized mentally and emotionally.
Than go to therapy. And don’t let him or you guilt yourself out of it because it’s “his” money paying for it. To put it delicately, fuck that shit in the ear. You are grownups in a relationship that needs help, and you don’t have to “earn” the right to seek that help.
You may have to leave him, he may or may not ever “fix” himself and his problems, but that is SEPARATE from your stress and emotional pain. An outside ear and voice will help you figure out what you really want, feel and let go of genuine heartache that isn’t twisted into resentment and rage from the stress, and basically keep you from beating yourself up over false problems. (By false I don’t mean they don’t exist, but that your brain is using them as a distraction/cover up from what it doesn’t want to deal with.)
Pat–I totally agree that you absolutely have the right to ask. It’s possible that after all this time she won’t have any problem with the conversation; that she just hasn’t brought it up because you haven’t and she thinks you’re not interested. You might consider a situation in which to bring it up–conversations like that are sometimes easier if you’re both doing something, like taking a walk or washing the dishes, or if you’re outside of your usual haunts.
Slow–Definitely support therapy, and I think couples counseling is also worth considering, since it sounds like there’s been a fair amount of damage done by this. But in the meantime–can you two get an autotransfer set up from his bank account so at least you don’t have to drag him through that every month? Not a solution to the heart problem, but it would at least help with the financial.
I took Slow’s letter somewhat differently. To wit:
“I hate asking him to do things over and over again — it feels like nagging.” (That’s…kind of the definition of “nagging.”)
“His procrastination affects everything in our household and our lives: from washing dishes to the completion of his degree.” But he is also “planning to finish up his PhD at a prestigious university by the end of summer.” (So he procrastinates about things that he eventually finishes.)
“I also found out that he had never sent an email reply he wrote and showed to me in 2007 after his ex called me ‘a controlling psycho.'” (Whatever his ex said three years ago doesn’t really have anything to do with your relationship, regardless of how your partner said he’d address it.) (Also, keeping tabs on three-year-old emails is a tad controlling.)
If there’s a side I’m on, it’s the ex’s.
I guess if I had practical advice for Slow, it would be this: like the other commenters said, set up an autotransfer for the money. Otherwise, do whatever you have to – new hobbies, therapy, anything – to let the rest of it go…because you’re the one who’s dragging it around.
@Slow — seriously, SERIOUSLY second the ADD possibility. I’m 28 and was just diagnosed with it, and your letter could have been describing me. Especially the “brilliant but can’t finish anything,” the self-loathing, and the procrastination. I strongly recommend counseling for both of your with a therapist who has experience with adult AD(H)D.
The most important thing: if he has ADD, and it really sounds like he might, he’s not doing this stuff to you, and he’s not doing it on purpose. Try therapy and meds, whether you stay with him or not.
Slow – everything you just described about your significant other could be me. I procrastinate like a mad woman regardless of the detriment to myself. I feel awful about it afterwards, which causes me to procrastinate even more the next time I do it. And the worst things are paying bills (which are now all auto-paid by the bank), chores, and anything I really dread (like sending an email I don’t want to send or write). I also generally think I’m the laziest person this side of the Mississippi and every one in the world must have more motivation than me (or I used to). I am 30 and was just diagnosed with ADD and have started learning how to cope with the procrastination and my other ADD behaviors. Not saying that he definitely has ADD, but I agree with S that it’s worth looking into. Also, even if he’s not or doesn’t think he is, ADD websites have some really good tips on how to deal with chronic procrastination.
Slow’s letter does sound like this relationship cannot be saved. But it also sounds like it was written in the heat of incredible irritation. Something leapt out at me — the PhD. When my now-husband was completing his dissertation, we struggled with his self-doubt, depression, and procrastination. I didn’t think he could get anything done, and I was annoyed that it seemed like he didn’t do anything all day. And anecdotally I’ve heard the same complaints from other partners of PhD candidates. But once he finished and got a faculty job, things changed. With incentives and deadlines came energy and stress and completion. Now I’m the big jobless procrastinator, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, this may not be part of the problem at all, maybe he’s already mostly done with his PhD. But in general, it’s an incredibly psychologically draining exercise that negatively affects all the academics I know.
Slow, I’m with S in that it sounds like it might be ADD. It wasn’t clear if the therapy you mention was him seeing someone about the procrastination, or you going together, but either way, it might be worth having him take an assessment for that.
@Pat: I’m not sure if you’ve looked into this side of things, but there are support and counseling services that are specific to people undertaking a search, and these may be of benefit to you. The search process is emotionally and logistically complex, and having someone to talk to who is familiar with what you’re going through could be helpful. I don’t know where you are, but one organization I know of is Center For Family Connections (www.kinnect.org) in Boston. If you’re not in that area, they do phone consultations and can suggest services in other areas.
There are also organizations that help with the search process, and these could be useful with the logistical side. I don’t have any names to suggest, but most support organizations will be able to refer you (and I bet Dr Google would find them pretty easily too).
Good luck!
Pat,
In addition to the advice given I would think there would have to be resources online on how to contact biological family for the first time so you don’t freak them out too much with a “hey, I’m your sister!” You might want to go to adoption websites and see if they have suggestions. Best of luck with the conversation with your Mom.
@Slow the only other thing I would say is – don’t wait for him! On little things anyway – why do you NEED him to grocery shop with you (other than money)? For the love of the baby Jesus, I grocery shopped with HTB once and never, ever, eeever again… go by yourself! If you have a family function and he’s draggin’ his a** – go by yourself! Leave him behind a few times – do you need him to have a good time? Probably not if all it’s going to mean is that you are frustrated at how late you got there!
I’m with TW on taking the side of the partner…I’m back on “I left my incredibly stressful, low-paying job in May and he had promised that he would support me financially until I went back to school in September”
WHAT????!!!!!!!!!! I don’t care how crappy it was, you left a job, apparently with no intention to even try to find another one, in the worst economy in 3 generations, when you have preexisting credit card debt that is yours alone, and it’s HIS fault you can’t pay your bills?! I don’t care if he “promised” to support you or not, you are an adult, and your debt comes under the heading of “your shit” that “you deal with.”
“This morning he accused me of raking him over the coals because we couldn’t go grocery shopping. He’s completely right: I pitched a gigantic hissyfit over him arguing about going another time and taking so long to get off the couch.”
You have a car and two feet and can go out of the house alone. I’m wondering why the grocery shopping didn’t get done…if its because partner wouldn’t be there to pay for said groceries, see above.
“Plus, I also found out that he had never sent an email reply he wrote and showed to me in 2007 after his ex called me “a controlling psycho.”
You are upset about him not responding to you being called “a controlling psycho” in an e-mail that presumably was not addressed to you but you somehow know about that was sent 3 years ago…does anything about that strike you??
I gotta side with @TW and @ferretrick on this one. Slowly, it’s annoying to have to deal with that kind of stuff, and I agree also with @shawn that the letter was probably written in the aftermath of another argument with Partner, but dude – if you’ve had this conversation a million times, you’re both crazy.
Partner probably needs a little bit of support, either of the therapy or medication (or both) kind in order to finish. And then what?
And what are you, yourself doing now that you’ve left your job? Are you in school too? If not, then what are you up to besides haranguing the guy about his PhD? I dunno – sounds like you need to get yourself sorted before you start working on other people. McDonald’s is always hiring.
@ferretrick, “…after his ex called me “a controlling psycho.”” Nothing in there indicates that Slow was called that via email. Coulda been to Slow’s face, for all we know. Just wanted to point that out…
Also my husband left an incredibly stressful, low-paying job in December, and even though it goes without saying more in a marriage and all, I’m supporting him quite happily. I hate it when people think that he’s lazy because of it, or when someone calls him “a kept man” like a friend of ours did this past week. (He was just ribbing us, but MAN it pissed me off!) He’s going back to school in a couple of weeks, and hopefully through that, he’ll find a new career that is light years beyond the shitty one he’d attempted to deal with when he left college 10 years ago. (He became a chef through several odd twists of fate. Turns out he’s not really into that so much after 10 years of being treated like shit for really crummy hours and pay!)
Sometimes, when your partner loves and supports you, the money thing isn’t that big of a deal to them.
Slow here. (I know I did it to myself but the name makes me laugh.)
Thanks for all the info about ADD. It had never occurred to either of us that could be a culprit in this case. We’ll look into it further.
After writing to the Vine, we took a week off from each other to do some thinking. Since then, he’s started seeing a therapist and taking some meds and I’ve decided to take things “less personally,” as Sars puts it. The great thing about the therapy and medication is that I again get to see glimpses of the person my partner used to be during the early, euphoric stages of our relationship: (mostly) happy and much less self-loathing. We’d both almost forgotten what that felt like.
You’re not off-base when you suggest that I have loads and loads of issues myself (maybe not the ones you specify though). I’ll start seeing a therapist when my school’s health plan kicks in during September.
In any case, thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. It’s empowering just to hear that other people have dealt with problems like this and come out the other end. Sars’ advice is right on as well.
@ferretrick: “the heading of ‘your shit’ that ‘you deal with.'” – Thank you! Going into my awesome file immediately.
Pat, it’s funny to see this letter just when I have been researching DNA testing for genealogy purposes. I was adopted at birth and my folks have always been completely open with me about that. They are my parents and always will be, but… I also have DNA parents. Out there. Somewhere. And at least half-siblings as well, according to my mom. Searching is a complex and very personal issue, and I feel you on the uncertainty.
At the same time: of course you want to know about your dad! It doesn’t reduce the significance of your sociological dad, but yes, you have every right to know. It doesn’t guarantee that your mom is going to be helpful, but it’s a fair question to ask.
Sounds like you know a lot more than this guy about genetics and DNA matching, but his story of using a DNA test to find his birth family is probably worth a few minutes to read. He also mentioned using a trained intermediary to approach his birth family the first time, so those services do exist and may be a good investment for you.
All the advice here seems spot-on with my readings on search and approaching family members on either side of the equation. The very best of luck to you!
For Slow – I understand this situation completely. But I think you need to (and are, by the comment) recognize the role you play in creating these situations. My boy is a procrastinator too. Getting him to leave the house to do the grocery shopping on the weekend was like pulling teeth and more often than not used to involve me throwing tantrums about why he couldn’t just get up and do it. Until he complained that what I was angry about was that he wouldn’t comply with my time schedule. Just because I was ready to go to the shops NOW didn’t mean that he was. So we talked about it, and reached compromises, like agreeing the time we will go. I’ve realized that it mostly doesn’t matter if the shopping gets done at 11 am or 2 pm. And when the agreed time rolls around he makes the effort and gets out of the house on time. I’m not saying that he doesn’t have issues. Maybe he does. Maybe he’ll not be ready at the agreed time either. But maybe you need to start compromising about which things need to be done immediately (paying bills) and which things can be done at an agreed future time.
Slow, it doesn’t make either of you a bad person, but it may just be that you’re fundamentally unsuited when it comes to the crunch. Like Sars has said, you can’t change him. You can change how you behave and react, but really: should you? Sometimes I think we all need to know that we may be flogging a dead horse.
Add me to the list of people who fit the description of Slow’s partner. He didn’t mention if the partner worked or not. I was recently laid off and since I’m a procrastinator by nature I’ve been an absolute mess without a job schedule around which to structure my day. Logically, I should be getting a ton of stuff done around the house, but I’m actually accomplishing less than I did when I had to do it all around a work schedule. On top of that, the fact that I’m not accomplishing anything (on top of feeling like a loser for being unemployed)has resulted in some pretty major depression. It’s an ugly place to be – and even more difficult to own up to. I guess what I am saying is that it sure sounds like your partner is experiencing major depression and if you are nagging him about his perceived failures then it’s only going to make the problem worse.
That said, if he does have a job he goes to every day (in addition to trying to complete a PhD) then is it at all possible his lack of motivation is due to sheer exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed and maybe even a bit of resentment that you are not working?
um. So I, too, think I am ADD, now that I have read all the signs and symptoms here. “Smart” but unable to finish things (M.S. in engineering and a Mensa membership, 4 unfinished tech reports in front of me), self-loathing (convinced that I am a terrible researcher who is going to be fired for incompetence, even though they keep giving me raises), procrastination x 400 (Tomato Nation instead of those tech reports).
Not that I have anything helpful to add, but I am grateful for this discussion, as it gives me hope that I may not actually be an incompetent moron, and maybe some therapy/treatment can help me be more functional.
The question-asker again. Just thought I’d clarify that we’re actually in a uber-fortunate position financially. Previously I had been the sole wage-earner while he worked on his PhD, until a few months ago when my partner received a substantial inheritance. My current situation is analogous to Faith’s husband’s completely: I wound up getting into a field accidentally, was relieved beyond words to be able to leave my job in May and am very excited to go back to school in September for something different.
Faith – I find that money tends to even out over time in a relationship anyway. Good on you for supporting your husband and I hope he is very happy with this new direction.
Pat, you have the right. And you might be surprised by the conversation. I never met my paternal grandfather, and as a child invented some vague “he died in the war” explanation. Imagine my surprise when later in life, I heard he really DID die. My mom said he wasn’t a good man and she didn’t want her children exposed to him, but that if we’d asked, she would have told us about him. Apparently _we just never asked_. Maybe your mom will feel the same, with the info you seek falling into the ‘never asked’ category.
That’s almost creepy, Slow. My father passed away in December, which was the instigator for my husband’s need to leave his job (his boss was ridiculous about his taking time off to attend the funeral proceedings with me in a different state) and is also the reason why we’re able to live comfortably on one salary now…the inheritance/insurance we receive keeps us living comfortably without even me needing to work, really. I just continue to do it because I like my job and my boss, and won’t leave here until they make me! :D
Slow, I would also note, for your partner and for you, that there is a known correlation between “being in graduate school” and “experiencing mental health issues”. I believe the Chronicle of Higher Education described it as a crisis among graduate students.
I just finished my masters myself, and promptly lowered my anti-depressant dosage (under a doctor’s supervision) and have nearly stopped taking Valium all together.
The point being, as many people have made, that there’s clearly a lot more going on here than “he procrastinates and it annoys me.” I can’t say whether it’s necessarily related to his being a Ph.D. program, but it’s worth considering the health costs of graduate school as a factor. And that if you’re about to start grad school and already know that you’re coming in with a bunch of issues, that you should keep a close eye on yourself.
There’s nothing like spending all of your time considering the geniuses of your field with some of the smartest applicants to a program to make you feel like a moron. And there’s nothing like feeling stupid in a setting that relies on you being smart to make you feel like you’re failing at life.
Slow:
Like Sars says, breaking up with him is one option. I know what it’s like to be in the “out of energy to deal with this flaw” place, and for me, that always meant the relationship was already over. Looking back, though, perhaps my impatience got the best of me. Here’s my advice:
1. Ex-girlfriend thing is totally unrelated to irresponsibility thing, so try to deal with them separately.
2. Relax. Give yourself time to get over this, whatever that means, and try to be happy. You don’t have to be happy about him, just focus on doing whatever it is that makes you happy and calm.
3. Understand that everyone has a serious procrastination problem. I became a college professor at 23, am well on my way to three graduate degrees, and own a house by myself… but I still put homework off until the last minute or forget to respond to emails for months or occasionally don’t change the cat box until eyes are bleeding. It’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m human. Besides, we all have different strengths and weaknesses, and part of being in a long-term, successful relationship is accepting that the other person isn’t you, isn’t perfect, and cannot be controlled (surely you have some weaknesses, too). If your beau is really close to a PhD, I’d give him a little more credit for the ability to finish what he starts.
4. Don’t rely on him. If this means going grocery shopping by yourself, do that. If it means ordering Chinese or eating cheese & crackers for dinner, do that. Yes, this requires some flexibility, and from your letter, it sounds like you’re low on flexibility (I’ve been the same way in past relationships).
5. Don’t rely on him. Focus on planning ways to get around HAVING to rely on him, like the automatic money transfer suggested. Look for new solutions with all the problems this appears to cause.
6. RELAX :) … the next time this upsets you, focus on how to get happy again. Think about what you can do to not NEED to go to the store at that moment, etc. When my boyfriend gets involved in something when “he’s supposed to be” or “we’re supposed to be,” I just do the same thing until he comes and finds me wondering why I’m no longer hovering. :P
Anyway, if you break up with him, I totally get it. It’s your call.