About three years ago, a casual relationship with a guy (Mr. G) I met in a bar got complicated when I got pregnant. The relationship wasn’t going well anyway, as Mr. G was still in love with his ex-wife, from whom he was in the process of separating. Being scared and pregnant, I contemplated abortion and indeed told Mr. G that is what I had done. A few months later he learned it was not true, but by that time he and his wife had reconciled.

Basically I went through my pregnancy alone and terrified. I moved about six hours away shortly after the baby (T) was born so that Mr. G couldn’t contact me. Despite my having gotten an unlisted phone number and swearing my friends and family to secrecy, Mr. G tracked me down and asked to be allowed to see T. He made three or four trips to my new state in an attempt to see our child, but only once did I actually allow him to. I tried to make it difficult so that he would stay away. Mr. G filed papers to get visitation and put a support order in place so that he could support T.

Eventually I moved back to my hometown, because it was easier than traveling six hours for court dates and my family was there anyway. To his credit Mr. G and his family have tried to be involved in T’s life. But I resent his intrusion and don’t want him interfering in how I raise her. Mr. G also has a six-year-old daughter with his wife, so my child has a half-sister, but I don’t feel that their having a relationship is that important. I have a man in my life now and hope to marry and have more children, so I feel that I can give T a family without Mr. G getting involved at all.

I have discussed this with my friends and most just listen, but I get the feeling they disapprove. It’s my life, and why should I be tied to a man I only knew for two months? Mr. G tells me that he just wants to be a father to T, and that I go out of my way to make things hard on him. I guess that might be true, but if he was so concerned with being in T’s life, then he should have been here all along instead of with his idiotic ex-wife. Mr. G sent me a lengthy email letter saying he had a number of issues he wanted to discuss, and spent the letter telling me all the ways that I have made things hard on him and T. He says that he has spent almost $10,000 on legal bills to be able to see T, and that I continually interfere. I don’t believe that is true. I just feel that T should be spending important days and events with me instead of with some guy she only sees twice a month! Mr. G emailed me again when I didn’t respond to his lengthy letter, and asked if we could try and work some things out. I told him that I don’t respond to lies and then blocked him from sending me anymore emails. Who is he to judge me? He said that since I have moved five times since I had T and have had six different jobs I cannot provide her with stability. I am her mother, I think I know more than anyone what she needs.

T is now two and a half. I think I may have succeeded in getting Mr. G to stop harassing me and T. Do you think that I am wrong? I believe that my boyfriend and the other male figures in my life (father, stepfather, and grandfathers) will provide T with the adequate male love that she needs. Mr. G should just leave us alone. He used to send me all kinds of pictures of T from when she was with him, saying he wanted me to see that she was comfortable, safe, and happy, and that he wanted me to feel included in the life she has with him. I think he just did it to irritate me and rub things in. I can give her everything she needs, and I resent his implications that I will somehow rob her of things if he’s not allowed to be around. I believe that T is young enough that she will forget Mr. G and her half-sister. I know lots of kids grow up without their fathers and turn out all right. I think it’s better for her to be with me than be shuffled back and forth every few weeks anyway.

Do you know anyone who has been in my situation? Do you have any other ideas? I am so fed up with Mr. G and his family. They used to try calling T twice a week to speak with her (to keep in contact on the weeks they wouldn’t see her, they said), but I got sick of them calling, so I made sure we weren’t home when they would call and now they don’t anymore. T somehow learned to say “Bad Daddy,” and Mr. G blamed it on me! Gosh, he’s such a jerk. Kids are fine without their biological father, aren’t they? T will get all the love she needs from me, right? Do you have any friends who grew up with a stepdad? They are normal, healthy adults, aren’t they? I don’t think I am being selfish in wanting to give my daughter the best.

Thanks for any advice,
T’s Mama

Yeah, what a jerk, wanting to see his own kid. Please. If anyone’s a jerk in this situation, it’s you. Yeah, you heard me. And don’t even try to tell me you didn’t teach her to say “Bad Daddy,” because we both know you did, so save it.

Just for starters, you lied to Mr. G about getting an abortion, and then you hid from him. The hell? Why? So that you could stick it to him later, probably, but he found out the truth, and then — in spite of the fact that he clearly can’t trust you, in spite of the fact that it might jeopardize his marriage still further, in spite of your childish unwillingness to “share” a child who is also Mr. G’s child, whether you like it or not — he still puts forth his best effort to do the right thing, and so does the rest of his family. So I have to ask — what exactly is your goddamn problem?

No, seriously. What is your goddamn problem? Mr. G wants to support T, spend time with her, provide her with even more family and love. Why on earth would you object to that — because it’s inconvenient? Because you envy or resent his going back to his wife? Because you think T is a toy, and you want her all to yourself? This isn’t sarcasm. I sincerely would like to know. Why? And why do you think you can get away with playing the “oh boo hoo, I had to go through my pregnancy all alone” card when 1) obviously Mr. G would have gotten your back if you’d just told him the truth in the first damn place, and 2) you make a big old hairy deal about how many substitute father figures you’ve got for T a few sentences later? Hello — did those guys just leave the country for nine months? And why can’t T grow up loving and knowing she can rely on all sorts of father figures, on her half-sister as well as any future siblings? T’s big confusing non-traditional family won’t reflect poorly on you; keeping her away from part of that family for no good reason, on the other hand, will, and does.

It’s kind of a sticky situation, I will grant you, but if you think it’ll be hard to explain to T why she has two or three “dads,” good luck justifying your decision to deny her one of them when she starts asking about it in a few years — which she will, because grandmas don’t do the best job keeping secrets, if you know what I mean, so have fun with that.

This isn’t about your ability to provide for T. This isn’t about her getting “shuffled” around. This isn’t about whether T can manage without her bio dad; of course she can. But if she has the option not to, shouldn’t you give her that option? Think about all the kids who have bio dads who don’t give a shit, who bailed without a look back. Think about all the kids whose fathers died young. Those kids don’t get a choice. T does. She has options, and that’s a good thing. Leave them open for her. For her. Sit down with her father and work out a schedule. Look at the positives — T gets tons of love from all sides, you have more reliable baby-sitting options, everyone can quit shelling out money to the lawyers. If you want what’s best for her, this is it. Suck it up.

Dear Sars,

This is a question about one of the oldest relationship quandaries out there — when to say those three little words that some people long for and others dread: “I love you.”

H and I have been dating seriously for eight months. Things are going really well — I’ve met his family, and he will soon travel home with me to meet my family. There is a good trust and comfort level between us. I’m positive that I’m in love with him, but neither of us has said those words yet. I’m at a point where I’d like to tell him because I don’t want to bottle it up inside. But another part of me is very insecure for the obvious reason: what if he doesn’t say it back? I know that saying those words and expecting to hear them back is pretty selfish. But I’m not sure I could continue a serious relationship with someone who did not feel the same way about me. I don’t want him to freak out by equating the words “I love you” with “let’s go pick out a house and a diamond ring.” Neither of us is ready for anything like that yet. But it would be nice to know that we’re both on the same page here.

So what do you think? Is it too selfish and unreasonable to turn this into a make-or-break situation for the relationship? Or should I keep my mouth shut and wait for him to say it first, if and when that day comes?

Perplexed

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Dear Perp,

The first time I found myself faced with the “whether or not to bust out the three words” decision, I happened to drive past a tire store with a sign out front that read, “It is better to say a thing and not mean it than to mean a thing and not say it.” And I thought to myself, “Good point.”

Well, I actually thought something more along the lines of “now that is a full-service tire store,” but you see my point. It’s scary as all hell, and I feel you on that, but if you mean it, you should say it. First of all, it’s what you feel. Second of all, waiting him out is safe, and I’ve played it that way myself, but if you think maybe he’s waiting you out too…it’s time to break the tie, I think. Better to know now that he’s not on the same page than to wait a month, or six, or a year and find it out then. And third of all, it’s not necessarily make-or-break. He could respond any number of ways, and you’ll have to put that response in a context of how well you know him, how he tends to act during the BRTs (Big Relationship Talks), what his actions say versus his words most of the time — that kind of thing.

I’ve had mixed results with the “well, let’s get it over with and hope for the best” strategy, but historically it’s performed a lot better than the “watch and wait” strategy, so I say go for it. In fact, you could even lead up to it with the tire store story. Just pretend it happened to you. I won’t tell a soul. Good luck.

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Dear Sars,

Recently in conversations, and at various other times throughout my life, one grammatical question always seems to come to mind. When talking about situations, people will either use “nevertheless” or “nonetheless.” Sometimes, they use one to start a sentence, and will continue with another.

So: Are “nevertheless” and “nonetheless” interchangeable, or are people just stupid about their connotations?

Thanks,
NeverMorris

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Dear NM,

Hmm. All right. Before consulting the dictionary, I will bet myself a dollar that it’s the former, because 1) the formations are identical and 2) “none” is probably an adverb in this context. To the 11C, let’s go!

Dating from the fourteenth century, “nevertheless” is an adverb meaning “in spite of that: HOWEVER.” Flip forward to “nonetheless,” coined in 1847…and defined as “NEVERTHELESS.”

I win a buck. I suppose you could argue that “nevertheless” is somewhat stronger in tone, if we interpret “nonetheless” as “not the less” and “nevertheless” as “not ever the less,” but I wouldn’t bother.

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Dear Sars,

I’m hoping you can offer me some advice, since I know from your essays that you occasionally relocate with Hobey and Little Joe.

In a few months, I’ll be moving into my own home from the apartment where I currently live. When I do, I’ll be taking in my late mother’s three cats, Mary Jane, Maggie, and Maudie. The cats now live with my dad in the same house where they’ve spent most of their lives. Mary Jane is kind of a prima donna, who’s gotten even more clingy and possessive since my mother’s death last year (my mom worked at home, so the cats were used to company all day). Maggie and Maudie are a little timid, but very affectionate once they get to know you. All three are indoor cats and get along well (aside from the occasional ear-biting).

I want to make the move as easy as possible for them, especially Mary Jane, as she’s lived in the house since she was a kitten and can also be somewhat territorial (the other two don’t try to jump in my lap when Mary Jane is around, things like that). It’s only going to be a 15-minute car ride from my dad’s house. What I worry most about is that someone’s going to pee in a corner to mark their territory, and then the other cats will start peeing around the place, too. Not that we’ve ever had a problem with peeing before, but Mary Jane has never lived anywhere else (the other two cats were adopted from a shelter when they were two or three years old).

What’s your input on this? Should I bring them over all at once, or one at a time? Should I try to sedate them first? Should I bring the beds they have now at my dad’s house, or start over with new ones? If by chance there is some out-of-box peeing, how can I keep it from escalating? Do you have any tricks you use with Hobey and Little Joe when you take them to Toronto?

Thanks,
Cat Mom-To-Be

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Dear Masochist,

My condolences on the death of your mom.

Here’s what I’d do with the felines. Before you leave, get sedatives from your vet, but only as a back-up; don’t use them unless the cats really start to wig out. I only used them for the nine-hour drive to Toronto and back, but for a 15-minute trip, you probably won’t need them. The bigger issue is integrating them into your current living space.

As to that, given what you’ve told me, I’d take Mary Jane over first. The general rule for acclimating a cat to a new place is to shut the cat in a small room for 24 hours — put her box in there, feed her in there, chill out in the tub with a book if you like, but the cat should stay in there for a full day. That way, the cat learns one small part of your house really well, and gets used to the smells and sounds in her new environment without having to confront too much information at once; she’ll think of that room as her “safe space” once you let her out. Try to use whichever room you plan to locate the box in permanently so she doesn’t “get off-message” with the peeing.

After a day, let her out, and supervise her as she gets to know the layout of the house. See how it goes, give Mary Jane another day or so to get settled and feel like she knows the place, and then bring the other cats over as a pair. Follow the same plan by putting them both in the bathroom, together, for 24 hours. Mary Jane will smell them, and they’ll smell her, but she’ll know the waterfront and they’ll have the safe space. At the end of the day, let them out too (try to aim for a weekend day so you can keep an eye on them).

Any inappropriate peeing is probably going to happen in the first couple of days that the cat or cats come out of lockdown, so just keep an eye on that and see how it goes. Once you reunite them all and they suss out the good nap spots, you shouldn’t have any problems.

[8/5/03]

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   cats   grammar   kids   rando