The Vine: August 5, 2009
I recently got engaged to my awesome boyfriend, and we are starting to plan a wedding for next year.Even though I am not much of a planner (or maybe because I am not much of a planner), the one thing I want to do sooner than later is choose a wedding party, so I can start torturing my girlfriends and sister-in-law with questions about various aspects of the wedding.
Also, having been in more than a few weddings, I know that once a good friend gets engaged, you may start wondering whether or not you are going to be asked to be an attendant, either because you would really love to participate, or need time to find the appropriate way to decline the offer to spend six precious hours of your life wrapped in an unflattering swath of lime-green silk shantung with an itchy underskirt. Anyway.
Long story short, my fiancé is having trouble making up his mind about groomsmen, and I haven’t been able to come up with much helpful advice for him.He has two brothers and one sister, of varying degrees of emotional and geographic closeness.He is the oldest, and is very close with the elder of his younger brothers — let’s call him Brother A — they played sports together growing up, went to college together, share a circle of friends, etc.
He has less in common with his youngest brother, Brother B, because of the age difference (8 years) and also because they have pretty opposite views on basically everything.That being said, they get along pretty well and Brother B is a good guy, and because he lives nearby to us, we see him much more frequently than Brother A, who lives 3,000 miles away.
Brother A is getting married in two months, and has asked my fiancé to be his best man, and Brother B to be a groomsman.My fiancé always planned on having Brother A as his best man, but now feels like it might hurt Brother B’s feelings if the two of them choose each other and he is left out.Now he is feeling like he should either choose Brother B or ask them to be co-best men.
Do you think this is overthinking? Did you know guys cared about things like this? Is it weird to have two best men?
Sincerely,
All I want to do is be able to squee with my friends and strong-arm them into choosing a reception venue for me
Dear Squee,
Maybe it’s overthinking, but people do tend to take selections like this very seriously and personally; weddings often turn into referenda on relationships, no matter how hard the couple tries to avoid it.I don’t think it’s weird that guys care about things like this, and I certainly don’t think it’s weird to have two best men, not anymore.My brother had a groomswoman, I served as a bridesmaid, and he and Gen didn’t have equal numbers of attendants; who cares. Bean had a man of honor; who cares.Everyone felt good about their roles in both cases, which I think is (or should be) the aim.
So: co-best men sounds like the best idea to me.Brother A will no doubt understand the rationale, and if he doesn’t, your fiancé can explain it to him — or can give him various best-manly duties that feel a bit more special or specific to their relationship.But this is the option that seems most likely to avoid hurt feelings while still letting your fiancé feel like he’s got the wedding party he wants.
Dear Sars,
Let’s start here: I don’t like my stepmother.This isn’t particularly unusual, I know, but she really is a pretty unpleasant person.Not always and not overtly, but the kind of snide, undermining, condescending meanness that peaks out occasionally and disrupts everything.This animosity was mostly aimed at my dad (never the kids) and frequently at her other family members, but never really at me.
She married my father when I was living elsewhere and I have never had to share a house with her.It’s always been pretty clear that when I go home to visit, I’m mostly there to spend quality time with my dad and my half-siblings. I can usually manage to make it through a weekend without saying something snarky on behalf of my father, but every time I do I feel a little bit guilty for interfering with someone else’s relationship.
Everything was pretty much going fine until about a year and a half ago, when my stepmom was diagnosed with a seriously debilitating disease that has been progressing aggressively and pretty much ignoring every kind of treatment that the best doctors in the country can come up with.It’s a really terrible thing all around: for her who can’t even get out of bed some days, much less drive the kids to school or play catch with them, for the kids who are too young to understand much more than “Mommy is sick,” and for Dad who is now left trying to hold things together.
The medical difficulties have made being in her presence completely intolerable.No one around her can ever do anything right, especially my dad, none of us are successfully anticipating her needs or listening to what she’s asking.Her friends have been doing a lot to help support the family, and are generously thanked by homemade baked goods that she has my dad bake.
But all my dad gets are severe reprimands and “We talked about how you were going to…” type conversations.I know it’s not unusual for people to try and exert control over whatever they can when their life is spinning out of control, but she’s not making it easy for anyone to help her.
I’ve been spending weekends down there every few weeks to try and help out and take some of the pressure off of everyone, but after this holiday weekend of perpetually being berated and ordered around, I don’t know how much more I can take. But I can’t just abandon him and the two little ones, can I?
Do you have any suggestions on books I can read or approaches I can take to help break the cycle (getting angry, then feeling guilty about being angry and then feeling angry about being guilty, and so on…)? Should I stop going down and trying to help out?Spread my visits out more?Spend my time taking the kids out and leaving my dad with her?
Guilty Angry Daughter
Dear GAD,
Perhaps the readers can suggest some reading for you about integrating a critically or chronically ill family member.I will start by telling you that everything you’ve told me sounds totally normal, and getting frustrated and fed up with a woman you don’t enjoy spending time with in the first place, whose unpleasantness is now several factors increased by a medical situation, is natural and predictable.You have sympathy for her difficulty; you’ve lent a hand without hesitation; now you need to forgive yourself for coming to view her as a demanding chore, because she is, at this point.She may realize that, and just find herself unable to control how she behaves; she may just not care, and feel entitled to compassion without pushback.
Either way, the behavior you can control here is your own, not hers, and I think you have two questions here: how you can stay involved without wanting to kill your stepmother, and how you can get her off your dad’s back.The first one is pretty easy, and you’ve mentioned it yourself — switch things up on your visits for a while.Pick the kids up and take them out for the day, or identify a time when a friend has come in to help out with Stepmom, and bring your dad to the park for a picnic.Help them out and let them know they can rely on you, while at the same time taking yourself out of any interactions with her.
You don’t have to do this forever; just take a time-out for yourself.You can also skip a visit if that works better for you, but the trick here is to avoid burning out on this obligation, and if you need a short vacation from visiting, or to set a temporary boundary where you don’t deal with Stepmom at all, you should do that before it reaches a crisis point and you cut yourself off from all of them.
As far as your dad goes, well, he married this on purpose; her illness is not an excuse to treat him like crap, but my sense from your letter is that she hasn’t needed an excuse in the past.Your best bet is to ask him how he’s holding up, and gently suggest that a couple of visits with a counselor or social worker might benefit him and the whole family in terms of avoiding burnout on his end.
But you’re both just trying to hold things together, which is great.Just remember to rest your arms now and then, so that you can keep going.
Dear Sars:
I am not the world’s most, er, proactive person. I’ve always done things because they were “easy” and then found out that they weren’t so easy after all: I went to a university where I would know people and was close to home, but ended up disliking the atmosphere (which I knew about before I went). Nevertheless, I stuck it out until I got my degree.
I took a job that didn’t fit my interests or talents because I knew it would be easier to get a job in that field than get a job that really interested me. I stuck it out in that job for years; it ended badly. I worked in a decent job for a few years, then chose to go abroad to study for a year — I love school, I love traveling, so it was perfect for me. (Disclaimer: I do not love school enough to publish academic papers and go into academia, although I wished I have been smart enough to do so several times; that is for bigger brains than I and as I have said, I’m lazy.)
After I graduated, I didn’t have any plans, and ended up making the “easy” choice again: coming back to my old suburban hometown. I went through a really rough patch of readjustment/unemployment, and got through it with therapy and medication.
Right now I’m extremely lucky; I have a job that pays well enough for me to live independently, and another offer for a much better-paying job. I know, I have two jobs to choose from, I really shouldn’t be upset, right? The only catch is that the job has a really different work environment than I’m used to. (At my last workplace, my boss and co-workers spent most of their time talking about the relative merits of Frank Black and Kim Deal. The new job…well, there’s a reason why I’m being so nonspecific in this letter.)
I applied for these jobs because I was living with my parents and needed money to move out before we all ended up on the local news as a “shocking scene at a local house”; personal suitability and interest wasn’t much of an issue. Like I said before, this was the “easy” choice.
I know I should be happy because I have a job, my semi-own place, and the area that I’m in isn’t a bad place. But I can’t make myself like it — I lived in one city or another for a long time, and I miss the liveliness, the walkability and the closeness of everything. I also really liked where I lived abroad, and keep thinking about it. It’s kind of like when you break up with someone and can’t stop thinking about how awesome they were, only with a place instead of a person. The idea of settling down here doesn’t make me happy, kind of like I’m throwing out the prospect of ever having a passionate relationship in order to settle down with a nice accountant who really hates foreplay but does own his own townhouse.
The question: how do I make the screaming voice in my head telling me that I’m making the wrong choice and that I want to be somewhere else shut up? Looking back over my history, I realize that I’m not very good at making plans or thinking of alternatives, so this could very well be it for me — this job path and this one place. I dread the thought of spending the rest of my life stuck in one place, visibly unhappy — and taking it out on everyone else. There’s family precedent for this sort of acting-out behavior, and if there’s some non-“go see a therapist!” way to stop it other than constantly telling myself “buck up, little fuck-up,” I’d be glad to know it.
Thanks,
Little Fuck-up
Dear Little,
I don’t understand what I’m being asked here.Do you want me to tell you how to swallow your obvious discontent, and want/enjoy things you think you “should”?Wrong advice column, sister.
You make that voice shut up by stopping and listening to it.It’s screaming because it thinks you won’t hear it otherwise, and it’s right, so give the little guy a chance.You say you make the “easy” and “safe” choices, but honestly, how “easy” is it to grit your teeth and endure everything in your life instead of living it?How “safe” is it to feel like you need instructions on how to enjoy things that you just…don’t enjoy?
Look, everyone’s pretty lazy.I’m very lazy.I’m also ambitious and puritanical, which works out nicely in terms of cancelling out the sloth at critical points.Accept your laziness, stop giving yourself shit for it, understand that you will have to work against it just like 90 percent of everyone else ever born, and tell the screaming voice, “Okay, fine.’Not this, not here.’Got it.What, then?Where?”Figure out where you’d like to live, and how to find work there so you can live there.Figure out what you want to do, and if you don’t know yet, do a few different things; understand that, whatever you end up doing for a living, a lot of it is drudgery and busywork and not fun, but you learn to tolerate that stuff because some of the job is rewarding and challenging.
You don’t have family commitments that will force you to stay put.So, don’t.Nobody is telling you you “have to” be happy with where you are and what you have except you.So, stop pretending you are and go somewhere else.Make lists; formulate a plan.Get psyched.
And don’t expect me to tell you how to conform with what “everyone else” “should” love and be grateful for, because God bless “everyone else” and I wish them the best, but those people told me a peanut-butter-and-tomato sandwich would be disgusting, and they were wrong, so if they think your job’s so awesome, let them do it while you make bracelets or whatever.It’s scary and hard to jump the tracks, but your current set-up sounds kind of scary and hard, too, so…fuck it.Be your own everyone else.Life’s too short.
Tags: etiquette the fam workplace
We had two best men at our wedding because we felt like it, my bro-in-law as an extra groomsman, two bridesmaids and my sister as “the singing bridesmaid” – she’s always the singer at weddings and never the bridesmaid, so I made her both. Anyway, there was a practical reason for the dual bestman role:
Bestman no. 1 stood by my husband, made the best speech of the day, signed the register (umm, totally not ancillary – in 200 years no one will know nor care who held rings and escorted the chief bridesmaid out of the building, but they will see that signature on the legal documents kept in perpituity!), but some of the more responsible tasks like looking after jewellery and making sure my husband was dressed and at the church on time needed the steady hand of bestman no. 2. He also made a speech. Brother-in-law just wore his suit, smiled in the photos and enjoyed the party.
It’s your wedding and you can do what you like; but then, I’m not from the USA and I’m a bit scared by the levels of protocol and excess that seem obligatory in your weddings, so daren’t comment further!
…but I will. Re: even numbers. In Britain, where I use to live for a few years, it is totally normal to only have the bestman, but as many bridesmaids as the bride sees fit. Also, if there is a bridal march the bride tends to walk in first. I imagine because SHE’S THE BRIDE! Basically, there’s always another as equally as valid and traditional a way of doing something.
I had three bridesmaids; my husband had two groomsmen. We didn’t designate any honor attendants, and it worked out really well. We just divided up traditional honor attendant duties– one bridesmaid held my bouquet during the ceremony, another held my husband’s ring, and the third signed the marriage license. One groomsmen held my ring, the other signed the marriage license (North Carolina requires two witnesses, may not be the case in other states). Both groomsmen and one bridesmaid gave toasts.
I’m with Sars– let’s not create drama where none need exist.
When we got married last year, I had one bridesmaid and hubby had a best man (his oldest friend from school) and 2 ushers (his brothers). There are not rules, the numbers don’t need to match. Do what you want to do and involve the people who are the most special to you. Oh, and enjoy the planning – it can be a really fun time!
“It’s been my observation that how a couple deals with wedding stress *is* often a good ‘canary in the mine’ for how the marriage is going to go.”
This has nothing to do with their relationship, I don’t think, and as far as I can tell, they’re dealing with the stress just fine. They’re not fighting about it. They’re just talking over a dilemma. This has to do with the husband-to-be wanting to be considerate of his brothers’ feelings and his fiancee helping him think that through. What’s wrong with trying not to unnecessarily hurt people you love? Brother B isn’t some pushy jerk who’s trying to force anyone to do anything; according to her, they’re all good guys. Her fiance isn’t afraid Brother B is going to cause a scene or yell at him; he’s afraid Brother B is going to feel hurt.
And her fiance, it seems to me, genuinely wants not to be hurtful if he doesn’t need to be. As far as I’m concerned, that’s not weak or indecisive; that’s considerate. He’s not being emotionally blackmailed, nobody is throwing a fit, there’s nobody trying to take the decision away from him. I’m not sure why it demonstrates any particular strength of character to do whatever you want, regardless of the effects on on other people. I agree that you don’t want to allow yourself to be bullied and have to be willing to tolerate disagreement about something that’s important to you, but treading carefully with the people you love in your day-to-day life is, to me, a strength, not a weakness.
I have to also mention, I could not disagree more with the idea that there is some relationship between “man up” and “do whatever you want, regardless of other people’s feelings.” All the greatest men I know balance other people’s needs with their own. To me, “man up” is about having the courage to do things that are difficult FOR YOU, not about having the “strength” to think exclusively of yourself, which really doesn’t take all that much strength, after all.
Guilty Angry Daughter – I think you’re doing something awesome. Trust me, those half-siblings will appreciate having you around (I am a much-younger half-sibling myself. Now that we’re all adults, we all get along great, and I adore my nephews – well, some of them, anyway :), and my great-nieces).
Sars always comes up with the most practical advice. I just wondered – do YOU have a friend who can help you out, or be there for support? You might pick someone who enjoys being around kids. I am always taking care of kids (sometimes for pay, always for fun), and sometimes a good friend of YOURS who is not immersed in the home situation personally can be there for you and help you out just by being there to deflect some of the aggravation.
I’d do it for a friend! :)
GAD:
I’m unhappily familiar with debilitating conditions. Something I repeat to myself, as needed: Just because I have a pain, doesn’t mean I need to be one. Your stepmother is a monster, and your father doesn’t need or merit the treatment he is receiving. I can think of a lot of reasons why he endures it, although “doesn’t mind it” is not on that list.
The fact that your stepmother is now sick does not render her a whit less monstrous. I have seen other people use their illnesses to control or abuse the people who are close to them and who are too decent to abandon them. You do not have to feel guilty because you are angry; the fact that you are angry at that kind of behaviour and treatment means you’re a decent human being. You feel conflicted because the “angry” is colliding, head first, with “ill, maybe dying.” “Ill, maybe dying” is not a license to be abusive. I can only pass on what I said in a similar situation to the ill person, who was mercilessly abusive (this was said in private, after she had been particularly nasty): I told her that if she was trying to make sure that people wouldn’t miss her when she died, she was going about it the right way.
She was a LOT nicer to the people taking care of her after that. She got better, too, which just goes to prove that you can’t have everything.
Hey Squee – if it helps at all here’s how my wedding went down:
His side: 3 best men, 2 ushers. Best Men were his brother and two of his oldest friends from elem. school; Ushers were his high school best friend and the dude who is married to my best friend who is also close to husband.
My side: my sister was maid of honor and i had my best friends as bridesmaids – one dude and one girl.
In terms of best manly duties: the friends were in town and his brother wasn’t so they took care of the bachelor party; his brother signed our wedding certificate (as did my sister).
So basically? Do what feels right for you.
I’m a groomsmaid in my old roommate’s wedding next month; the same wedding also has a bridesman and multiple usherettes. Another friend is having a man of honor. I absolutely agree with go what feels right for you, don’t worry about the numbers, and remember that it is your day (and it’s impossible to make everyone happy).
Squeeeee! Did brothers A,B & Fiance have a prior agreement that A would stand up with B, B would stand up with Fiance & Fiance would stand up with A? Because otherwise it can be whatever free-for-all that feels best to your Husband-to-Be. Co-Best-Men is a nice compromise that includes A&B. I think it’s sweet that you wrote in (so lightheartedly!) not about a bride question, but a groom question on his behalf. Awww! Wishing you a beautiful wedding & an even more beautiful marriage!
GAD, cut yourself a break. You can dislike anyone you want, and sounds as though the stepmother deserves it. Sars’ advice is exactly what I’d tell you. (LaBella, that is awesome, and I may steal it. Thank you! I admire your big shiny balls of steel!)
Little, this may be the dumbest thing, but it works fopr me. Flip a coin.
It doesn’t matter how the coin lands…once it’s spinning in the air you may find that you’re hoping for one outcome or the other, and that seems to be where your heart wants you to go. (I warned you it was dumb!)You’ve already found that the path of least resistance often leads to Miseryville, so try a new path toward what you really want. Maybe a job in Marvellous City Abroad! You deserve to be happy just like the rest of us fuck-ups out here in the world. Life’s a crap-shoot…you might as well throw the dice.
If y’all aren’t too sick of me, I need to note that when it came time to exchange rings, I had to hand off my bouquet to my son. We didn’t rehearse and I didn’t think of that in advance, but he handled it with admirable grace.
@NZErin (umm, totally not ancillary – in 200 years no one will know nor care who held rings and escorted the chief bridesmaid out of the building, but they will see that signature on the legal documents kept in perpituity!)
Well, yeah, it does need to be done, obviously. :) I just meant that it is not the fundamental purpose of the best man, or even a necessary purpose of the best man (plenty of weddings don’t have best men, and still manage to be legal), so it shouldn’t be an issue regarding multiple best men. Obviously it is important for the marriage to be legal, but that has nothing to do with honor attendants; that’s all I meant.
@Squee, I wanted to mention that while I agree that it’s perfectly ok these days to have as many or few “Bests” as the bride and groom want, make sure it’s clear in the program and to whoever does the announcing (if it matters to you, of course).
I had no maid of honor at my wedding – I had know all three women for the same amount of time, and while I *could* have picked based on who I thought was the best friend overall, it would have caused drama with the other two. So I just had bridesmaids, but my husband picked a best man, and when the announcer at the reception introduced the wedding party (three on the groom’s side, three on mine), everything got a little jumbled.
He used the wrong name with the wrong bridesmaid and called her my maid of honor, and it was an innocent mistake, but she *still* nags me about it passive-aggressively to this day. It wasn’t a big deal, but I had tried very hard to avoid any awkwardness with those arrangements in an attempt to spare the feelings of all involved. The blunder sort of shone a spotlight right on it instead. We could have avoided it all if we’d just been a little more clear with our MC.
we’re having 2 best men and one maid of honor. that’s it. i have one sister and didn’t want to burden any of my good friends (who live far away, as does my sister) and my fiance wanted to have his oldest brother and his godson. i said, if you don’t mind odd numbers, i don’t. this is one area of this hateful process that i refuse to stress about. i’m still contemplating vegas…
Squee: My brother and his wife each had two co-attendants. All four may have made toasts at the reception; can’t quite remember. (And I was the ring-bearer, as sister of the groom.)
What I do remember is being upstairs with the bride and her attendants when Someone Official appeared and said that *one* of them had to sign as a legal witness. We all froze — and then I suggested the attendants go head-to-head at Rock, Paper, Scissors for the privilege. It worked so well I ran downstairs to tell my brother, and he had the groom’s attendants do the same thing.
Point being: You can make anything work. It’s your wedding. Best wishes!
@ Wehaf
Just a little context: we actually felt the signing of the register was the most important symbolic job, so that’s why bestman 1 and my best friend (chief bridesmaid) had the honours. It was the primary task in our minds that denoted best/chief status. I have friends who got their mothers to be the witnesses, so they felt actively involved in the ceremony – maids and grooms stood by and looked pretty.
Anyway, as everyone has said, you can totally mix n match wedding duties/outfits/traditions/etc
Depending on how formal a wedding is involved, there’s always the option of having one of the brothers perform the ceremony. Laws vary state to state, but two weddings in my family were performed by the brother of the groom, one in California and the other in Minnesota. For our wedding in ’94, we had a best man and maid of honor and that was it.
@GAD I’ll echo Sars and others. Its okay to be angry and frustrated (and then feel guilty for those feelings). Last year, my father had major surgery following closely by major depression and I was his sole caregiver and I was ready to run from the house and yell at the world after 1 week. Caregiving is hard. Its harder when the patient is difficult. (things did get straighten out, more or less, thank goodness for the visiting nurse and our parish nurse)
You need a break. Then it sounds like you need to alter what you’re doing (which you clearly know–and as they say on morning cartoons, knowing is half the battle). I think taking the kids out for day trips or even a camping trip to the backyard is plenty helpful. Maybe bringing some of the baked goods that your dad is expected to make. Maybe arrange for a neighbor to come over and take your dad out. Come for a shorter weekend (not sure your drivetime, but maybe you need to make it shorter regardless. Blame “work” or some such).
Push your dad to call for some respite care (if you don’t already have that). Or maybe call yourself so your dad just has to sign on the dotted line (or however far you can get before they need the primary person to be involved). Not saying you need to take over care or something, just make it easy since he’s probably tired and sick of calling the insurance company, etc. I would frame it in the best way (“We wanted the best care, its special to have them come here rather than bring you in. Like a house call.” although she might see through that…but some people thrive on the extra attention). One poster mentioned United Way. Medicare might have something as well (if she happens to be on that). Or her insurance. Or the county social services. Maybe call up the nurse/doctor and explain you need nursing and/or non medical assistance at home–they might have numbers to call. My dad’s short home services were through the VA (his primary insurance), but would have been through Medicare if longer term. The caveat here is if doing this would look like meddling and cause problems…but only you can guess.
Good luck, its rough.
I agree with everyone else here, my boyfriend and I are always joking that when he get’s married his best man will be two women (his two best friends). He reckons he’s going to make them wear tuxes.
However, it doesn’t seem right to have to have 2 best men simply because you feel obligated, allthough I’m not exactly the authority on this, I’ve been to exactly one wedding in my entire life. I was 4.
Dear Squee,
Sars is spot on (as usual!) I had both of my sisters as my maids of honor, (they both stood next to me up at the alter) and my husband had his only brother next to him. It was lovely and totally normal. I love Sars’ idea of giving brother A some special duties if it calls for it. Either way, I think it is great to honor both brothers equally. No matter what the relationship between them all, it will be so nice to have the memory of including them both in an equal way. CONGRATS!! And know that no matter what, you will have a wonderful day!!
This’ll depend on the brothers, but some straightforward communication may be in order… like, do they both want, or not want, to be “best” anything? If they can talk without pulling punches, that may be your solution right there. At least you’ll know if co-bests really floats both of their boats, or if one would be “doing his duty” and would have been just as happy to be a plain ‘ol groomsman. Or if each would be pissed that he’s not the only one.
Couple years ago my then-best friend got married, and told me immediately she’d like me to be MOH. I happily agreed, and closer to the event found out that the “bridesmaid” (a girl she’d known a few months) was now co-MOH and would be standing next to her in the ceremony. Because? “She’s my height and you’re much taller and the pictures will look better, and anyway that’s the way it’s always done in weddings, in order by size. Well, you know you’re the REAL maid of honor!” I felt shafted, but sucked it up because it wasn’t going to change and additional drama would not have helped anything.
Six months later she starts planning their second ceremony (long story) and I stupidly agreed to be MOH again on fervent promises that I’ll be the ONLY MOH this time, for real. Wouldn’t you know that a month later a long-lost girlfriend from many years ago turns up; you know, the friends that promised each other that they’d be MOH in each other’s weddings! She can’t break a promise! She did it to me again!!
Bottom line: Just make sure they’re all truly happy with the arrangements, then stick to it.
Photographic evidence of the Man of Honor (on the right, in the red shirt) holding the bouquet, which looked very nice with his shirt: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mightyisis/2062563681/
(We’re all laughing because the groom didn’t realize the minister wanted *him* to “repeat after me”.)
@LFU–
In a slightly similar circumstance, I took a class in LIFE / CAREER PLANNING at the local my community college.
you have to do things like prioritize likes, ethics, typeplace you want to live,etc. It was great and sounds like what you could use right now.
True story: I grew up on peanut butter and tomato sandwiches. It wasn’t until I had left college that I even knew they were unusual!
@Squee. To my mind the only difficulty with unusual numbers of best men etc is what it can do to the speeches. The tradition here used to be that the Best Man’s speech was on behalf of(!) the bridesmaids, which – not happening now! So the bridesmaids now seem to speak as well as the best man and the bride speaks as well as the groom and it’s all good changes except that now the speeches go on for an eternity. Seriously, the worst I’ve ever seen was 9 speeches: nearly an hour’s worth. Much as I loved the couple, that was far more than my attention span and there were people up the back talking through the last half.
I guess what I’m saying is, go for two Best Men, but maybe get Brother A to do a speech and Brother B to do something else.
@ Isis Uptown – that’s great and all, but I totally scrolled over to see PUPPY! What a pretty baby! Best dog, indeed. :)
Little:
Don’t spend the rest of your life – or any of your life – ignoring that screaming voice. It’s trying to save you.
Take it from someone who knows.
Isis Uptown, you look absolutely gorgeous! LOVE your dress! Mr. Uptown is a cutiepie! And awwwww…the dog! Looks like fun!
Krissa and Margaret in CO: Thanks! The dog, Jackson, is a very good dog. You can’t tell from the pics, but he’s a giant, very large for a Golden Retriever (his vet says he’s the largest she’s treated). He’s also a talented Frisbee dog.
Yes, my husband is a cutie! Additionally, my son is even better looking than in those pictures (and more mature looking now at 25 than he was then, at 23). My dress was from Stein Mart; my mother and I found it within five minutes of walking into the store. The wedding was November 17, 2007, so we’re going on two years now.
@Little
The choices that look best on paper are not always the right ones. It’s funny that you compare this work/life choice to settling for a guy who doesn’t light your fire. That may as well be exactly what you’re doing. A townhouse isn’t going to keep the marriage together in 5 years, and it certainly won’t if your little voice is screaming “A townhouse won’t be enough for you!!” before you even accept a date.
Stop searching for a way to make yourself believe this level of independence and salary is going to make up for the fact that you’re not happy. Go figure out what does/will make you happy, and go for it.
A few days after I turned 18, I moved to NYC to pursue a career in fashion design. After a few months, I was very unhappy. I didn’t like the city, I didn’t like sewing, and I wasn’t even sure how much I liked designing clothes. That’s when Sept. 11 happened. I watched the second plane hit from a nearby rooftop, and it made me realize I could have died that day… so I left. I went to college on the west coast, for something completely different, graduated, got a job, and worked in that industry for 2 years. I found myself counting the days until I could retire, and eventually I realized that this wasn’t making me happy, either. Now I’m one of the academics you mention in your letter.
The point of my sharing this story is only to illustrate that whatever “next choice” you make doesn’t have to be the right one.
As Steve Jobs said, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.”
http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
Some years ago on this site, Sars advised Depressed in the Dairyland: ” ‘Anywhere But Here’ is a perfectly valid destination.”
Have had that thought on an electronic sticky on my desktop for a long time. Now I want the T-shirt too.
Squee, can you tell Brother B that you flipped a coin and Brother A won? Seems like it would be a tiny lie, would protect everyone’s feelings, and Fiance can share have who he wants.
I had two bridesmaids, my husband had 4 ushers, a “master of ceremonies” and a best man. In the end the wrong person was best man – we made a choice based on what we thought would hurt fewer people and then ended up relying on our head usher for everything. Mostly because he stepped up while other nominally best men farted around and argued over which of them should have been the official best man. But HeadUsher took in stride and organised and arranged and basically was the best man in the room, even without the title.
He should have been best man but sentimentality got in the way – this is not that I’m saying that you shouldn’t have two best men – that’s sounds like a very good solution. But if you want a best man who can be there and help out prior to the wedding, it might be best to go for the brother who’s close at hand. But only if he wants the job…