The Vine: August 6, 2001
Thanks to everyone who wrote in with suggestions for Tired Of It. An idea that several people contributed — TOI might want to check out this site for resources and information on placing the Rottweiler.
Other people suggested investigating no-kill shelters in the area, or hooking up with one of the consignment services. The consignment services sound kind of sketch, but they place pets fast; here in New York City, you pay a small fee for handling, and then the pet goes out “on tour” on the weekends, usually to green-markets and street fairs or other places with lots of people around. The people in charge of placement have a lot of experience with finding animals homes, and they make sure the prospective owners have their shit together — an acquaintance of mine got his mastiff from one of these groups, and he had to have two interviews before they let him take the dog. And the dog is a prince among men, too.
Xeney, who has a whole pod of pets, had this to add:
Great advice, but I wanted to add one thing — PLEASE don’t place those animals through the newspaper. Really bad idea. When I found a dog, I got all kinds of nutjobs calling to ask if he was their lost pit bull. One of them called more than once with different descriptions of his lost dog — in other words, he was looking for free fighting dogs, not his own lost dog. I’ve heard that people get animals to sell to research labs this way, too.The Rottweiler will be easy: she should look for a breed rescue group in her area. Rottweilers are really popular, and a well-behaved, housebroken one should be pretty easy to place. For the mini-mutt, she should look around for an all-breed rescue group and explain her situation to them. They’ll help her find a home.
Note that I said a HOME…no rescue group is going to help with temporary placement, because that is just so terribly unfair to the animals. Her sister has given up her pets, whether she wants to admit that or not, and the animals deserve good homes, and your correspondent deserves some peace. I hope it all works out for her.
I hadn’t even thought of the fighting-dog angle, and that’s so true…and so’s that last part, and I said as much in my response, but I’ll say it again. TOI, find permanent homes for the dogs, not foster homes. Your sister is not pet-owning material, and even if she were, it’s not fair on the animals to get shuffled around.
Sing it with me now, people, because you’d better know the words by now. A pet is not a table lamp. It’s going to shit, and puke, and break stuff, just like you do, just like a human child would. It’s going to bug you now and then, just like a human family member does. If you do not want to deal with that — and that’s okay; it doesn’t make you bad person — do not get a pet. Get a ficus. Get a Beanie Baby. Get an inanimate object that you can’t traumatize.
If you are not sure, talk to friends and co-workers who have pets. Get a sense of what’s required. Do research. Pet-sit a few times. If you have a breed in mind, do you know the ins and outs of that breed? Siamese cats, for example. Very cute. Also very “talkative.” Will that bother you? Dalmatians — yeah, you saw the movie and your kid wants a Dalmatian pup. Dalmatians are usually very neurotic and demanding, and they need more attention than most ponies. Can you handle that? Or will you turn into one of those fuckwads that dumps a six-month-old Dalmatian with a nasty snapping habit at the shelter because “it’s not cute anymore,” leaving him virtually unadoptable and probably saddling him with a case of kennel cough? Pugs…aw. Breathing problems…not so “aw.” Can you handle what your pet will ask of you as its caretaker?
Draw up a budget for your future pet; break down of what shots costs, what spay/neuter costs (and yes, you have to fix your pet), what quality food costs. Read up on dietary requirements (and no, cats do not “do vegetarian” — cats must have meat in order to live), and introducing pets to a new household. Look at your schedule — do you have time for a dog? What if your pet has problems — not the greatest personality, or chews stuff and needs to go to obedience school, or comes down with ringworm fistula, or needs its overbite corrected, to the tune of several hundred bucks and thrice-daily spoon feedings — are you up for that? Or would you do better with a cactus?
It’s not a sweater with feet, people. Know that. Act like it.
Hey Sars,
Love your site! It’s a great place to escape to when I’m on a break at work. I’m hoping you can help me with a dilemma…
Background: I am the only child my mother has. My parents divorced when I was nine, and I now have half- and step-siblings from my dad, but my mom never remarried and didn’t have any children before or after me. She has always, ALWAYS been there for me. The sacrifices she has made to get me through college and send me overseas to study are amazing. She is very intelligent and articulate, and until recently a strong and vibrant person.
About 12 years ago, after I left for college, my mom moved back to her hometown to live with my grandparents. As their health deteriorated, she took care of them. She also worked full-time in a great job with the local public school district. For the first seven years, she lived in the dark, dank basement in my grandparents tiny house. She finally convinced them to build a one-level, wheelchair-accessible home that would be comfortable for all three of them. Mom was half- owner, and my grandparents owned the other half.
My grandpa passed away in February 1999 from leukemia, and my grandma passed away in March of 2000 with congestive heart failure. Shortly before Grandma died, my mom and a former boyfriend rekindled their college romance. They actually made plans to get married and to have my mom move to the other side of the state where he currently lives (this was after Grandma died). I thought they were kind of rushing things, but knowing my mom as the sensible person she was, I figured, “What the hell? If they’re happy, good for them!” My mom quit her job at the school and put the house on the market.
Well, last summer, they had a major breakdown in communication and broke off their engagement. Her heart was broken — crushed. She suffered (and probably still suffers from) depression. It’s now a year after “the dumping,” and my mom is still unemployed and the house is still on the market. She’s dipping into her retirement funds to make the mortgage payments. She’s stopped taking her anti-depressants and her tamoxifen (cancer prevention drugs she’s had to take since her mastectomy four years ago) because she can’t afford them. Her COBRA is going to run out soon, and getting health insurance after that will be difficult due to her “pre- existing condition.” I mean, this is really serious. My husband and I are trying to talk her into moving to the city where we live and where there would be more opportunities for her.
Here’s the problem: if she moves up here, she would probably have to stay with us until she gets on her feet. We have a tiny place. I want to help my mom and I do want her to stay here (temporarily), but there’s this nasty little voice inside me saying, “Aw, man! I can’t live with my mom again. She’s going to drive me crazy.” We want to start having kids. It would be GREAT to have her in town, but I’m not sure about having her under our roof. I guess I knew I would be taking care of her someday, but I didn’t expect to do so for another 20 or 30 years. I’m afraid she’s going to cling to me too much. I’m afraid she’s going to expect me to entertain her and invite her along whenever we get together with friends et cetera. Am I evil? Are we even doing the right thing by inviting her to stay with us? How do I deal with this? I usually talk to my mom about EVERYTHING, but I can’t tell her all this stuff. The last thing she needs is to feel rejected by her only daughter. Do I suck or what? Seriously.
Sincerely Concerned (But Selfish) Daughter
Dear Sincerely Concerned,
You don’t suck. Let’s face it — the issue here isn’t that your mother can’t take care of herself. It’s that she won’t.
The depression she’s suffering from is understandable (and I think it’s clear that it’s depression — she’s completely unmotivated, to the point where she’s not even looking after her own health). Her entire life changed in the space of just a few short months. Her parents died. A relationship soured. She must feel like Wile E. Coyote does whenever he stops running and looks down to see the canyon yawing open underneath his feet. But if she doesn’t get it together, it’s going to get a lot worse, and fast — the cancer might come back, she’ll have no savings, and so on. I don’t need to tell you, I’m sure.
Here’s what I’d do. Speak frankly to your mother. Tell her that her apathy really has you worried. Urge her to sell the house already and get it over with, and to get into therapy to deal with the losses she suffered. She’s gone through a lot, your mom, but now she needs help with it, because if she doesn’t face up to the pain, she’s going to lose everything she worked so hard to hold together. She has to arrange for health coverage. She has to see to her remission therapy. She has to stop running in place.
Moving her close to you isn’t going to fix the problems. It’s just going to relocate them right into your lap. It’s not a bad instinct, but the issue isn’t where she is physically; it’s where she is mentally. You have to make her hear reason somehow. Get her off her butt and to a competent psychologist or support group that can help her, because if you don’t address the real problem here, having her live with you won’t solve anything.
[8/6/01]
Tags: cats the fam
