Love your writing, love your site, love you.

I hope you have some room in your column for a grammatical emergency. The problem, specifically, is the recent outbreak of the word “orientate.” I don’t know what heinous sin I’ve committed, but “orientate” has descended upon my workplace like so many Biblical plagues. It’s impossible to get through a thirty-minute meeting without hearing it ten times; company email is riddled with it; documentation is “orientate” this and “orientate” that; and it’s entered casual conversation to an alarming degree. And now, of course, its mutant variants are spreading like wildfire. When I heard someone mention how he drank too much and became “totally disorientated,” I decided that something had to be done.

Everyone has unique grammatical raw nerves — I read your rant about the ever-sinister “I could care less” — and those errors that feel like a thousand sharpened fingernails down the chalkboard. “Orientate” is mine. I cannot stand it. It causes me physical pain. I’ve tried suggesting to people (honestly, I’m very nice and polite about it!) that it’s actually a bastardization of the noun “orientation,” that it’s not a real word, and that “orientate” is only showing up in dictionaries now because misused colloquialisms have a way of sneaking into the language. I leave out my opinion that (like the wonderful “irregardless” and “subsequentially”), “orientate” is, to be utterly snobby about it, something that inarticulate people say to make themselves sound fancy.

But then it occurred to me: maybe I’m wrong. Maybe “orientate” has been approved? Maybe the gods have granted it a special dispensation? What’s your take on it, Sars? Is it really the sin I think it is, or should I just get over it?

This is always the pattern at the workplace: there’s some horrible “corporate-speak” phrase, it takes off, everyone utters it constantly without realizing that it’s stupid or even knowing what it means, and then five months later it vanishes completely, replaced by the latest (even more awful) buzzword. Seriously, someone should write an article about the invention and proliferation of corporate lingo in America; it’s a fascinating linguistic phenomenon. And I know that if I can just wait it out, “orientate” will die of its own accord.

Except that it’s killing me, and I can’t make it three more months. Over the last few years, I’ve weathered the rise and fall of such gems as “proactive partnership,” “leveraging dependencies,” “restructuring human capital” (i.e. firing half the company), and “bucketizing priorities.” But one has to have standards in life, and I feel the need to draw the line at “orientate.” May I put a stop to it?

Yours,
Beleaguerated in Boston

I hear you. “Orientate” is in my 10C, defined as “to face or turn to the east,” but that’s not how Corporatese uses it; they employ it to mean “to acquaint with the existing situation or environent.” In other words, they’ve taken the word “orientation” and…done whatever that thing is where they back-form a word using the suffix instead of using the proper root of the word. And now I can’t think of the goddamn term for the life of me, of course.

Well, maybe it’ll come to me later. Anyway, unless your co-workers mean “point something east,” they use it incorrectly; yes, it’s “in the dictionary,” but it has a very narrow meaning, and “orient,” which is what they mean, is much broader. (I would like to point out that the “orientate” issue is completely different from that enemy of usage rigor, “irregardless,” which is flat wrong, doesn’t mean anything, and only serves to reward the laziness of the intellectual Smurfs who can’t shift themselves to use “regardless” or “irrespective” instead, because “the language is a living blah” and “same diffeblah” and IT’S NOT A FUCKING WORD. Whew. Sorry.)

As far as putting a stop to it goes…don’t bother. If they gave two shits about the sanctity of the language, they’d have already learned that their usage is wrong. Change it on documents you have control over and let the rest go.

Dear Sars —

I am desirous of an outside opinion, and you came to mind as to someone who would give me their gut reaction.

So, here’s the story. My friend, Brandon, has had a thing for me since, like, last December. He’s a little intense for me, and I wasn’t really into to him, so I tried to just keep it friendly. Last August, in a drunken stupor (hindsight — we never should have gone to the bar with $2 cocktails), he confessed his feelings for me. I gently turned him down. Now, six months later, things are unfortunately still weird. When I call him or e-mail him, he always says, “How come you never call or e-mail me?” Granted, I don’t call or hang out with him as much as we used to, but I still get the weird vibe, you know?

Enter Brandon’s friend. You knew it was coming. Last weekend at a party, Brandon showed up with his friend Dylan. I talked to Dylan for a long time, and long story short, I love him. I must see him again. But I never got the chance to hammer out any definite plans at the party; it was crowded and drunken and it was hard for me to get enough alone time with Dylan.

So now, at long last, the question: How do I find Dylan? Would I be the biggest bitch in the entire world if I called Brandon and was like, “Hey! Hook me up with your friend!” because I feel like maybe I would be. I also thought of sending my friend in as a feeler: “Hey, she thinks Dylan is cool.” But then I remembered that I’m not in sixth grade anymore. The only possible approach I could think of would be to invite Brandon out and hope that he brings Dylan, but still that seems a tad underhanded to me — and unlikely, as I’ve never seen them out together before the other night. I think they’re more work friends than play friends.

What do you think? Should I just let it go? Because I want to be the grown up, but I could REALLY like this guy. And seriously, how often does that happen?

Sincerely confused,
Trying to not be a bitch, but still get the guy

---

Dear Trying,

Situations like the one you describe always come down to a choice — your feelings, or someone else’s feelings — and when there’s no way to have both, you feel guilty about wanting to choose the path that puts yours first.

But sometimes we have to hurt the feelings of others in order to live our lives. It’s unfortunate, and it’s not a license to wreak havoc on people emotionally, obviously, but we don’t live in a vacuum, and sometimes there’s no way around it. And sometimes, if you don’t do what you want to do, you just wind up resenting the person whose feelings you intended to spare.

I know you don’t want to hurt Brandon, but you don’t have feelings for him, and you wouldn’t have feelings for him whether you’d met Dylan or not. It’s painful for Brandon to accept, but that doesn’t change the facts, and if you really felt a connection with Dylan, you’ll just wind up annoyed at Brandon for keeping you from pursuing that.

You’ll have to handle it delicately, of course, but if there’s really no other way to get Dylan’s info, you’ll have to ask Brandon for it — just say you enjoyed talking to Dylan, or you “lost” his number, whatever you can do to soften the blow. But if it’s not going to happen between you, it’s not, and you’ve said as much to Brandon. Respect his feelings, and try not to hurt him, but don’t let that keep you from getting to know a guy you actually have an interest in that way.

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Tags:   boys (and girls)   etiquette   grammar   sex