The Vine: August 6, 2003
So, I was reading The Vine, and about halfway through the letter from T’s Mama I thought to myself, “If Sars doesn’t let this girl have it, I will never read this column again.” Fortunately, within your first paragraph, my readership was assured.
Then I went back and read it again, because I could not believe that someone could have written and sent a letter that made the writer look so foolish. If I had written something like that, I would have read it over before sending it and realized, “Wow, I am the biggest, most selfish idiot on the planet!” I thought, “Methinks T’s Mama doth protest to much.”
Did you wonder if the letter was real? I was thinking it could have really from T’s Papa, as T’s Mama comes off like a complete imbecile, and T’s Papa sounds so virtuous. Do you consistently get letters from people that make them look so ridiculous? I’ve read a few old Vines, and while I’ve encountered some letters that demonstrate obvious psychological problems, I don’t know if I’ve seen one that laid everything out so clearly against the author.
I’m guessing you have no system other than observation and intuition to determine whether a letter is “real” or not. Does it matter, or do you just figure that as the names are disguised anyway, the situations can be treated as hypotheticals?
Procrastinating Conspiracy Theorist in Texas
Dear PCT2,
It wouldn’t have occurred to me until you mentioned it that Mr. G might have written the letter himself. The authors of Vine letters often don’t seem to know how much they’ve revealed about themselves in their letters; it’s not usually as extreme as T’s Mama, but it happens.
Now, though, I’m thinking you might be onto something there. It’s the “Gosh, what a jerk” line that strikes me, since the same thing came out of my mouth in a witheringly sarcastic tone as I read the letter. And why mention that she’s moved a bunch of times and held a bunch of different jobs if she really wants me to take her side? I actually didn’t consider that relevant — it’s a bad economy, people have day-care issues and so on — but it does make more sense if Mr. G wrote the letter.
The email bounced and nobody’s written to me to claim pens/magnets, so who knows. Speaking more generally about fakes, yeah, I usually run them anyway. Sometimes people clearly just want a TN pen very very badly, which is fine; The Vine isn’t a trial proceeding, and if the letter is instructive and/or I can get an entertaining answer out of it, I don’t so much care if it’s fake.
Dear Sars:
I started dating Guy A when I was 15 years old. He was three years older than me. Everything was great. We spent all our time together. My parents were very strict, and A didn’t seem to mind that our only dates were sitting on my living room couch with my sister and my brother. He got up early every morning, even when he didn’t have a morning class, and drove me to school. He was respectful of my parents. We talked about everything. You could say that everything was perfect.
When I was 19, he proposed to me. I was so excited and I said yes. But the next day, I thought about it. I realized that I was only 19, and that I had missed out on a lot by dating the same guy for four years. I know it was a shitty thing to do, but I broke up with him. I offered to stay friends, out of guilt I guess, but A refused and cut me completely out of his life.
Enter Guy B. B was the polar opposite of A. He drank and did drugs all the time. He wasn’t really intelligent enough to hold a conversation with about anything of substance. He was rude to me and my family and friends. He was truly an asshole. But he was hot. We had instant chemistry. I figured it was the perfect rebound relationship.
Time lapse: Three years. B and I were still together. The relationship still left much to be desired, but I had convinced myself that I was in love with him. Suddenly, without any kind of warning, he announced that he was moving across the country, to “live out his dreams.” I tried to be supportive, but B had never mentioned anything to me about this so-called dream before. Anyway, off he went. We kept in touch, tried to keep our relationship alive.
In this time, I ran in to A in the video store. He was with a girl, and it was a little awkward, but I gave him my phone number and he promised to keep in touch. He called me that night. He told me that he was still in love with me and that he wanted us to be together again. I offered to try being friends, because I still had an asshole boyfriend on the west coast. He agreed, but broke up with Video Store Girl anyway. We started spending all of our time together, and I realized that I was still in love with him too.
I agonized over what to tell B, honestly believing that he would be crushed. When I called him, I broke the news gently. His basic response was, “Do you think I have been living like a monk out here?” I could not believe that he didn’t care about my feelings! He cheated on me! I was pissed off, but it didn’t really change anything. B was 3000 miles away and I was slowly starting up with A again, anyway.
Fast forward to today: A and I are engaged and getting married in September. B and I have kept in touch, sort of. He calls every couple of months. He is now back on the east coast, but in New England. My question (finally!). B called me yesterday and said that he will be passing through here in a few weeks and would I like to get a drink or something. A will be away on business that week. I haven’t seen this kid in four years, and we never had any real closure to our relationship. When I think about seeing him, I get butterflies. The only thing we ever had in common was sex. We have nothing to talk about. Even when he calls me, the conversation consists mostly of awkward pauses and double entendres. I am trying to convince myself that B was a rebound relationship that just lasted a little longer than most, and therefore, there is no reason to see him again. But the other part of me acknowledges that I really cared for B and that it wouldn’t do any harm to meet him for a drink.
I guess the real problem is that I don’t know what my physical reaction will be if I see him again. He has already expressed to me his displeasure with his current girlfriend, and hinted that he may look for something from me in that area. I love A with all my heart, and I don’t think it’s an issue of cheating on him. That is definitely not my intention, but I don’t really know what I’ll do if B puts the moves on me. Do you think I should go? He is not coming all this way to see me; his family and friends still live here.
Confused
Dear Confused,
You really don’t know what you’ll do if B puts the moves on you? Excuse me, but why not? Do you not have control over your own actions and behavior for some reason? Does fate just operate you by remote control, like a robot car? It is an issue of cheating on A, obviously — an issue of your thinking you might do it because, apparently, your “physical reaction” to B is just something that happens to you, like the weather.
If it’s “not your intention” to cheat on A, then don’t fucking cheat on A. I mean, how hard is that, really? What, you think you might fall on B’s dick? And why would you even put yourself in the same room with B’s dick in the first place? Don’t give me that “closure” crap, either. Where I come from, when your boyfriend of THREE YEARS tells you he’s CHEATED on you, A BUNCH, and can’t even shift himself to lie about it, the only kind of “closure” you look for is the kind involving a car door and HIS HEAD.
You have nothing to talk about with B. You do not owe him anything; you stand to gain exactly nothing from hanging out with him. Stop talking to him. Don’t hang out with him. And for the love of Mike, start taking responsibility for what happens to you. Reread your letter and look at the number of times you imply that your life is a Ferris wheel God won’t let you off of. “I still had an asshole boyfriend on the west coast” this, “it didn’t really change anything” that — give me a break. You could have changed both of those things. You didn’t. That’s your problem, not B.
Dear Sars,
Like everyone else who writes to you, I have a problem and I can’t seem to wrap my mind around a solution. Recently, I moved in with The Boyfriend. I had to move a little farther away from The Family than I would have liked, but I’m not a world away. Just 60 miles or so. I still make time to visit my family just about every Sunday, and I talk to Mom on the phone every other day or so. The Best Friends back home get every Saturday, and date night is Friday night with The Boyfriend. I like to kid around and call it our shared custody arrangement, but it’s scary how accurate that is. I’m constantly negotiating my time with everyone. I work 40 hours a week, and due to my commute (about 50 miles, until I find a job closer to home), I get home pretty late every night. The Boyfriend works long hours too, so we’re both too exhausted at the end of the average day to spend much time together. It’s pretty much an eat, sleep, wake, work, lather, rinse, repeat cycle.
Unfortunately, Mom’s been upset with me for not making more time for my extended family, because birthday parties and such tend to fall on Friday or Saturday and visiting during the week makes me very tired and cranky, so I’ve blown off a couple date nights to appease my family. Now, The Boyfriend is feeling upset that I’m cutting into the time set aside for him. He’s not being bitchy about it, but I can tell it bothers him, especially since his hometown is half a continent away, and his family and friends aren’t here. He’s got friends up here, but I’m the only one he’s really close to that’s nearby. I’ve tried cancelling Saturdays with The Friends when The Boyfriend starts feeling kind of lonely, but The Friends naturally get upset when I cut into their time.
Meantime, I’m driving at least 60 miles, both ways, to work and to see The Friends and The Family. Every. Single. Day. I have to fill my tank with a good 20 bucks of gas every other day. Time by myself has become a fantastical pipe dream. I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I want to tell all of them to eat a cookie and chill, because I’m staying home today, dammit. Still, I’m the one that moved, so it’s not fair to ask them to make this trek. Helllllo, guilt, whenever that thought pops into my head. I’m feeling guilty that The Friends tend to get the short end of the stick. The Boyfriend thinks the family is too needy, but my mother’s in an unhappy marriage, in her forties with newborn twins and her own business that she gets no help with, so no wonder she wants some love from her daughter. I hate feeling like I’m leaving her behind, because she’s not in the greatest situation.
So, I blow off date night to go to a Tupperware party at my cousin’s house, and then a candle party at my sister’s, twice in three weeks. I feel like I’m losing touch with everybody. The Friends have been okay about coming up to see me, but since Friend 1 has a dog that’s not completely housetrained and probably never will be, all day isn’t an option. It’s a long drive for a quick visit. My sister has come to see me twice, but she’s got two kids and not much time of her own. I’d love for her to bring them, but there’s nowhere to put the Pack-N-Play for the little one to nap in, since my apartment is the size of a cereal box. Plus, there’s no storage, so there’s lots of random dangerousness lining the hallways for kids to get into. Mom has come up once, and refuses to make the drive ever again. Rotaries, for her, are a circle of hell. Plus, she’s got the twins to think about, and like I said, not kid-friendly territory here.
Is there a solution to this I’m not seeing? Is there a solution at all? Please let me know. I’m going nuts.
Sincerely,
Driving Miss Crazy
Dear Crazy,
Your mom won’t visit you because of…rotaries? I…don’t even know what to say.
Oh, wait. Yes, I do. Fuck that. I would not categorize my own mother as a fan of the Somerville circle, which we had between us for four years, but she managed, because Jersey DMV gave her a license, and also, she’s a grown-up.
Now, let’s look at what you say here: “I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I want to tell all of them to eat a cookie and chill, because I’m staying home today, dammit.” Why haven’t you? Your family and friends don’t own you, you know. Seeing you is a two-way street; the problem is that you’ve trained them to think it’s your responsibility entirely. You’ve bent so far over backwards that, now, they just expect you to haul your ass all over the state to save them the trouble, because you’ve given them no indication that you consider that unreasonable, and guess what? It’s unreasonable. If you don’t have the energy to make the trek, say so, and don’t make it. If you don’t want to blow off date night for your extended family, tell them you have plans — which you do — and skip the birthday party that week. Don’t negotiate. Don’t explain. It is perfectly fair to ask them to make the trip themselves, or to put birthday parties on more convenient days, and if they can’t or won’t, you can’t and won’t come. Period.
“Still, I’m the one that moved, so it’s not fair to ask them to make this trek.” Yeah…no. See above. It is YOUR FAMILY. It’s YOUR FRIENDS. What exactly is fair to ask of them if you can’t even count on them to understand that actually, no, you don’t want to live in the car? It’s only an hour. God invented carpooling for a reason. Why do you enable them in that way?
You moved to a new place. People do it all the time, and it takes some adjusting, but you’ve done all your adjusting in order to keep one foot in your old life and accommodate everyone else, and you’ve got to stop. Start taking time for yourself. Start deciding what’s “fair” for yourself; don’t base it on a bunch of people who don’t seem to have heard of babysitters tugging you in different directions. I mean, I feel for your mom, but if she needs help, she can ask for it or arrange for it herself — and I feel for you, wanting to see everyone and fit everyone in, but if they don’t want to see you badly enough to crate the damn dog for an afternoon, it’s time for you to make new friends in your new town and stop spreading yourself thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle.
Rotaries. Stupidest thing I’ve heard this week.
Hey Sars,
I think I’m having a crisis of faith in my judgment. I just started seeing this guy, Luke, who I met through an acquaintance of mine. This acquaintance and I used to be pretty close friends, but over the past year he has become completely disrespectful, mostly due to the fact that he has been using heroin. After a few unsuccessful attempts to work things out between his stints at rehab clinics, I wrote him off as a friend, and only see him now and again in social situations.
I meet up with some friends a few weeks ago, and I meet Luke through the acquaintance, who he knows from rehab. He asks me out, and I accept. On our first date, I let him know I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who is using, and that I have concerns about him, because he was a heroin addict and my acquaintance isn’t the best character reference. He tells me he has the same concerns, and we establish our mutual soberness. The date goes along great, until the end, when I start to notice behaviors that I associate with being stoned (the droopy, squinty eyes, the looking at everything else but me, the long silences and slow speech). I tell him that I want to trust him, but the way he’s behaving is making me suspicious, and he tells me he’s just tired. I let him know I do like him and I would like to pursue the relationship, but I have trust issues.
We have another date and I keep noticing things. I can’t tell if they are signs that he’s using, or projections of my fears. Almost every junkie who is using lies about it (and if they’re lying about that, what’s going to stop them from lying about everything else?), and the last thing I need in my life is more fuel for the trust issue fire. On the other hand, I don’t want my emotional baggage to interfere with all future relationships, and prevent me from forming healthy ones.
The problem is, I don’t trust my own judgment. I can’t figure out if this is my own crap and I’m unloading it on him, or if I’m justified in my suspicions. I really like Luke and he seems to really like me. He’s either using and lying to me, which I know I don’t want to deal with, or he’s telling the truth and is potentially a great guy who I could have a good time with. The acquaintance who introduced us played a large part over the past couple of months in my feeling this way, as I was constantly trying to weed through his lies and figure out if he was on the level or whether he was using, and the signals I used to rely on in helping me make those decisions are all jumbled up in my head and I can’t decide what’s real and what isn’t. I feel like I need someone with me at all times to confirm or disprove my suspicions, and it’s making me feel like I’m losing the ability to think for myself.
So I guess my question is two parts: 1. Are there sure, telltale, neon-flashing-spelling-it-out signs of someone who’s using heroin? And 2. How do I trust my own judgment again? Ending things with Luke citing an inability to trust anything works for the short term if necessary, but my real fear is the physiological damage this could be doing to me. Any advice you have would really help me out.
Not Into Needles
Dear Needles,
I think you meant “psychological,” not “physiological,” but if hanging out with Luke is having a physical effect on you, obviously you should stop hanging out with Luke.
I have limited experience with junkies, fortunately, so you should take my answer to #1 with the appropriately-sized grain of salt. If your acquaintance isn’t in that scene anymore, I don’t know what to tell you about Luke going all noddy on you, but from what (very little) I’ve seen, if the acquaintance is still using, I only see one reason Luke would still hang out with him, and it isn’t his lovely singing voice. So, there’s that.
But the central problem here, really, is trust — trusting Luke, and trusting yourself — and with that said, I don’t think Luke is a good idea for you right now. You have pre-existing issues in that area, but if you want to sort those out, you really shouldn’t do it with a guy who may still belong to one of the least trustworthy demographics out there. Does that make sense? I know you want to think he’s gone straight, and I know you don’t want to pre-judge the guy — hey, I don’t either. I don’t want anyone to take from this that I think any person who’s had a drug problem in the past is automatically a bad call, because that’s not the case.
But this particular guy at this particular time in your life is, I think, a bad call, because you already have serious doubts about whether his drug problem is in fact in the past, and because you’ve recently gotten burned by a former friend’s using and the effects of that using on him and on your friendship and so on and so forth. Maybe, down the road, when the hurt surrounding your acquaintance has ebbed and you’ve had a little more time to figure things out and get to know Luke as a friend, he’ll make a fine prospect. But right now, it’s not a good fit for you, and I would advise writing it off romantically for the time being.
Sars,
So I ventured into the world of online dating. I’ve had some fun dates, and some story dates — terrible to be on, but hours of laughter retelling the horror stories over beers.
A few months ago I was exchanging emails with a guy. I always use a Yahoo address, as my last name isn’t associated with it. He had enough information about me to figure out who I am, and track down my last name. (And who I am kidding, I Google these guys like mad once I get any identifying information, so no judgment there.) What I DID judge was when he wrote to my work address, which was extremely easy to find once he knew my last name and what I do. I told him it was uncool to have written to that address when I hadn’t given it to him, and we wouldn’t be corresponding any more.
A few months go by, and I got another email (NOT to my work address) asking if it would be okay if he called me. I ignored it. Today, I get this charmer:
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last emailed. I’ve been so busy this summer with work and some outdoor recreation (hiking, kayaking).
I’ll be giving you a call this week.
Take care,
[name]
Okay, first of all. “SORRY”? I’m DELIGHTED he hasn’t written in so long. Second of all, I don’t give a pig’s nose how his summer’s going. And, of course, calling me? Not cool.
The basic question for you is whether I should continue to ignore him (god bless caller ID on the cell phone, that will be easy enough), or send him a “fuck off” email. The broader question is why someone would continue to pursue someone they’ve never even met. As Rent indicated, “I’m a New Yorker. Fear’s my life.” Stalker? Or just a loser who’s bored?
Leave Me The Fuck Alone
Dear Leave,
Probably just a loser who’s bored, and not terribly receptive to hints either — if by “hints” we actually mean “clearly worded statements of dislike.”
You could go either way on it, I think. I don’t see any harm, at this point, in sending a curt “please don’t contact me again” email; the guy may actually have thought you only meant that the two of you “wouldn’t be corresponding” at your work address, and telling him to get bent would clarify that point. But Gavin DeBecker would probably tell you to continue ignoring him, just to stay on the safe side, and that’s a fine strategy too. Failing to respond to emails or calls usually sends a pretty clear “get bent” message.
So, here’s what I’d do. Save the email, just in case, and don’t respond. He should get the hint. If he’s not getting the hint, document all contact he tries to make with you, but I got “clueless arrogance” from his email rather than “improperly socialized stalker,” so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Just ignore him.
[8/6/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships rando the fam
