The Vine: August 7, 2002
Hey Sars! I love TN, especially the Collected Cat Rants, and when I realized I had a dilemma, I thought it should go to you.
Welcome to The High School Soap Opera. The key players are Jane, Mary, and I (names changed to protect, well, me). We’ve been friends for years and years; actually, we’re three in a group of five that does everything together. But the other two aren’t important for the sake of this question.
What is important is that we are the Official Good Girls. None of us drinks, smokes, or does any sort of illegal drug. Or none of us DID, except…well, you’ll see.
About a year ago, Mary developed this crush on Bad Boy. At first it was sort of harmless…but now, not so much. She started hanging out with him; then she started smoking weed with him.
Things have snowballed since the first time he smoked with her. Now she hooks up with her friends from work all the time to get drunk and high. BB the Catalyst is invited, and she still crushes on him, despite the fact that he has never shown any interest in her. It seems to me like she never does anything else. When we invite her to do stuff, she’ll often punk out on us or leave early.
I am getting the partying information from Jane, who is less judgmental than I am. Mary knows that if she told me this stuff, I would flip out at her, so she tells Jane. Jane is sick of being the sole confidante, and is beginning to skip her lunch period to avoid Mary and her crazy guess-what-I-did-last-weekend stories.
I wouldn’t write to you about something this trivial normally, except for three things:
1. She bought the weed for herself for the first time last weekend…which shatters the illusion that she sees this as sort of a casual, I’ll-do-it-when-someone-else-has-some thing.
2. She let her little brother (only 15) in on the party this past weekend, who got so drunk that he puked seven times. When Jane questioned her behavior, she responded that she doesn’t think he’s her “responsibility.” (In her defense, she did get him to his room.)
3. She’s really drifting away from us. Jane and I love Mary…or the girl Mary used to be…and we’re really worried about her. She (and Jane) are going to the Big State University in the fall, and I have the feeling that she’s going to get deeper into this stuff. Without her best friends (at least, I think we still are!) there to back her up or watch her back, I’m afraid she might slip away for good.
In my mind, our options are to let things be, to talk to Mary’s parents, or to talk to the school counselor. The good thing about that last option is that she wouldn’t know it was Jane and I who indicated that she’s having a problem, plus the school counselor is a really cool woman who never judges kids based on their drug/alcohol-induced exploits.
Part of me thinks you’ll tell me that what Mary’s doing isn’t really that bad, and that we’re not really such good friends anymore. But hopefully you’ll let me know how viable you think the options I’ve come up with are. I know millions of kids smoke and drink, but I can’t help but be worried about this one girl. Alcoholism runs in her family, and her mother would be heartbroken if she found out that Mary drinks. To be honest, I don’t think the weed would bother them as much, but I know how strongly Mary’s mom feels about alcohol, and I feel like I owe it to her mother (and the rest of her family members, who have shown me nothing but kindness and generosity) to tell her.
I’m really sorry this letter ran so long, but as you can tell, this entire situation is driving me crazy and making me sad and confused. Jane and I commiserated today, and we confessed that we just don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?
Thanks a whole bunch,
President of the Official Good Girl Club
Dear Madam President,
Before you talk to anyone else about Mary, I think you should talk to Mary yourself.
It’s not that her behavior isn’t worrisome — it’s not like her, and it’s possible that she’s starting down the road towards a substance abuse problem — but if you still consider her a friend, you have to approach her like a friend and speak to her directly. Ask if she’s okay. Let her know that you don’t think what she’s doing is a great idea, but that if she ever needs help or to talk about something, she can call you.
And as someone who got burned badly by involving a guidance counselor without speaking to my friend first, I would advise against that.
Talk to Mary, but remember also that kids have drunk and gotten high for decades, and most of them haven’t come to any ill. It’s not the most responsible behavior, but it’s not necessarily life-threatening, either.
Dear Sars,
I’m stuck in a rut. I’ve bothered all my friends with this problem and I’m feeling guilty just thinking of it in their presence…I was thinking you might have some advice on this.
You see, I recently (like maybe a month ago) met this guy at a party and, well, I guess I’ve taken a great liking to him. We connect on a great many levels and share much in common, from favourite clubs right down to our vegetables of choice. It’s amazing the things we talk about when we’re together, and the chemistry is indescribable. But because I haven’t come out to tell him that I’ve got feelings for him, I don’t know if he just treats me as a platonic friend.
I’ve been getting all these mixed signals from him, and because he doesn’t really take the initiative to do anything, I end up being the one calling him and asking him out, and honestly, it’s tiring me out. I mean, it won’t kill him to call me on his own, right? I don’t wanna look like some dumb fella at the end of it all.
We’ve been out a few times, but of late, he has become a bit iffy about going out with me alone, and when we do go out together, it’s always with a bunch of his other friends. Usually, when I ask him out for something, he’ll give these non-committal “I’ll call you in the morning” schticks which I assume mean “NO, LOSER!” Either that, or he’ll say that he’s meeting some other group of friends. It can’t be that hard to try to get someone out on a date, right?
Because he only gets weekends off, that means that I only have two days to see him per week, and well that makes things more complex…I guess he definitely would want to meet his other friends too, but you know, if he was interested in me too, wouldn’t he want to see me on his days off as well?
I’ve tried to get over him, assuming his disinterest. Then just when I’ve more or less made up my mind, he sends me a message or something, and all the shit just comes back! You’d think that two guys going out with each other would be less complicated than straight couples, but it’s not! It’s just as bad, if not worse, because there aren’t those defined gender roles to go by (which are stupid, if you ask me), as I’ve told all my straight friends.
Should I keep plugging at it and be patient, or just leave it behind and move on? Thanks for reading this through, and I’d really love to hear your take on the matter!
Very much obliged,
Apriltuna
Dear April,
He’s not interested. I don’t know what “chemistry” you see in him actively not making an effort to get together with you, but it sounds like the kind you need an eye-wash station for.
He blows you off. He only goes out with you in a group. I know it’s hard to accept, but short of a hand-lettered sign reading “I don’t like you that way,” he doesn’t have too many other ways to give you the hint. So, take it and forget about him.
Hi Sars,
I’d like your thoughts on the concept of girls asking guys out. Our society says that it’s guys who are supposed to do the asking, and girls are supposed to do the agreeing to, in all matters romantic. But I consider myself a progressive female, and I’m impatient to boot, so rather than wait for my less-than-stellar flirting skills to do the trick, I have asked guys out on two separate occasions. On neither occasion did it work out, the first time because I was moving out of the city we were in in two weeks, and the second time because…well, because he just wasn’t interested (although his previous stares and flirting seemed to indicate otherwise).
My question is, what is a progressive girl to do? Sometimes I feel all empowered when I think about what I’ve done, and other times I feel desperate. And then I make the mistake of reading mainstream magazines, which tend to reinforce the idea that men like to be — and should be — the aggressor in these things. Do you have any experience/feedback on the phenomenon of women turning the date-procuring tables?
Signed,
Sleepless in Suckeyville
Dear Sleepless,
“Our society” doesn’t dictate any such thing anymore. You want to ask a guy out? Ask him. He turns you down, it’s his loss. Don’t let mainstream magazines tell you what to do or what All Men like — they don’t have any more of a damn clue than you or I.
I went to an all-girls’ school, so I had to ask boys out all the time. It’s agony, don’t get me wrong — I hated doing it then, and I hate doing it now. But I don’t think most guys like it any better than we do, and there’s no reason they should have to do it all the time.
It’s the twenty-first century. If you like a boy and you want to ask him out, ask him out — or don’t, but whatever you decide, don’t base the decision on what woman Are Supposed To Do, because if we all lived our lives that way we still wouldn’t have the vote. You know?
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships
