The Vine: August 8, 2001
Hey Sars!
As a recent convert to the Tomato Nation, just let me say that I think the site’s absolutely fab. Love the essays, love the Vine, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, I know you’ve heard it all before. After looking over some of the archives, I was interested in getting your thoughts on my own little issue/headache, and I’d appreciate some advice, if you’re willing to give it a shot. Here goes nothing…
So I’ve been dating this guy for the last couple of months, and so far everything’s been going great. We love hanging out together, the sex is brilliant, and I really see this relationship going somewhere. I’m completely nuts about this guy, and he’s pretty crazy about me, too.
But. (And there’s always a but, isn’t there?)
See, my boyfriend is extremely well-traveled, and spent a lot of time globe-trotting over the years, especially in Asia. As a result, I suppose, the most significant relationships he’s had in the past have been with Asian women. Even his college girlfriend here at home was an Asian woman, and he definitely seems to have a preference for them, or at least did in the past. The problem is, I’m the antithesis of an Asian chick: tall, blonde, as white as they come, the epitome of an outspoken American girl. Although he’s never indicated that he’s unhappy with me, and I know he cares about me as much as I do him, he has on occasion mentioned how much he normally prefers Asians — even the party we met at was one made up primarily of foreign exchange students, and the reason he was there was because a friend though he might be able to find a cute Japanese girl there.
I honestly don’t think this is some sort of “fetish”; I don’t think it’s any more a weird obsession for him than the fact that I have a preference for dark-haired guys is for me. Still…when he talks about this, I can’t help but have this feeling that I don’t measure up somehow. I mean, this isn’t something I can exactly live up to. If he decides he would rather be with an Asian girl, I can’t give that to him. It’s not like he digs chicks with curly hair or some other minor physical detail (hell, in a case like that, at least I could get a perm). There’s nothing “traditionally Asian” about me in the least, and when I’m feeling at all down on myself physically, my little paranoia sneaks up on me and makes me feel completely inferior.
I don’t want to lose this guy and, honestly, I don’t think I’m in any real danger of that happening over something that trivial — I know he’s crazy about me. I also know that I shouldn’t let this bother me too much — I’ve voiced my concern once or twice to mutual friends, and they’ve always told me that it’s a total non-issue. But I still can’t help worrying about it from time to time, and I’ve taken to constantly measuring myself up to other Asian girls I know or see around, wondering if he would find them more attractive than me.
I guess it’s just my own fear of losing this great relationship that I have, but I can’t seem to shake it, no matter how logically I try to look at it. Is there any way for me to get over this budding obsession? Am I being as paranoid as I think I am?
Blue-Eyed Blonde
Dear Blonde,
“I’ve taken to constantly measuring myself up to other Asian girls I know or see around, wondering if he would find them more attractive than me.” Um…”other Asian girls”? You’re not Asian — your letter would appear to be devoted to making that fact plain. But then there’s that little Freudian slip. Maybe it’s the “other” that’s the issue and not the “Asian,” eh what?
I don’t think it’s about the Asian-girl thing, in the end. It’s about your self-esteem. You go around assuming that he’s going to find some kind of fault with you, and you know what? He will, because you have faults, and plenty of them. We all do. It’s called “existing as a human being.” But the way you look isn’t a “fault,” and beyond a certain point, it’s not something you can control anyway — and neither is your boy’s history of preferring Asian women.
The facts: he’s with you, not with another girl; he’s with you, not with an Asian girl. He’s with you until he’s not. Stop focusing on the “until he’s not” part. Force your brain to stick to the facts as you know them in the present, and trust yourself to handle whatever happens in the future. Because, you know, maybe he will hop and leave you for a girl he met on the street in Chinatown. And then the facts change, to wit: he’s a schmuck, and you’ll survive and thrive without him.
But unless he’s hitting on Asian women in front of you, telling you to make up your face so that you look less Occidental, or giving you some other really egregious signal that he’d rather you were Asian, stop holding your breath and waiting to get fucked over. You can’t live your life like that — trust me, I’ve tried, and it’s a waste of time and energy that doesn’t spare you any pain in the long run.
Hey Sars,
Your humor and “tell it like it is” attitude makes you the perfect person to help me out with a small, yet significant (to me), dilemma I’m having.
I was seeing this guy, A, on and off for about a month. Before he flaked out on me the second and, apparently, last time, I happened to meet his friend, B. Well, A and I have parted company. It was your typical “guy likes girl, girl likes guy back, which freaks him out and he mysteriously starts acting like a jerk for no good reason, causing girl to deem him a jackass although she still kind of likes him” story. It’s safe to say that I have some unresolved feelings and I think A does too.
Well, A’s friend, B, happens to email to see if I want to meet for a drink, platonically of course. Or so I hope. So, knowing I don’t owe A anything and that we weren’t actually seeing each other long enough to be considered boyfriend-girlfriend, I agree to meet B. We had a terrific time. He told me he was sorry it didn’t work out with A, because he thought I made him really happy and he’s not sure what made A act the way he did. He also told me he invited A out with us, not wanting to lie to A (they’ve been friends for 10 years) and acknowledging that a friendship with me was completely separate from whatever weirdness there is between A and me. A declined to join us. But B did say that he wouldn’t be suprised if it bothered A, because he gets territorial over things like that and can be pretty sensitive. (B also happens to be friends with A’s ex, who apparently was the love of his life.)
For the six hours or so that we were out boozing it up, we actually didn’t talk about A until the last hour, at which point I told B my side of things. He seemed kind of suprised by some of A’s behavior and said he really didn’t know what was on A’s mind — he didn’t know if he didn’t like me anymore, still liked me but was scared about it, or none of the above. But we both agreed that it was separate from whatever friendship B and I would have and that B shouldn’t get in the middle. Fine, no problem there.
Here’s the wrinkle — I know B thinks very highly of me. He actually said I was the perfect woman. And he wants to hang out again. My problem is two-fold:
1. Call me nice. Call me a sucker. But knowing that A’s feelings may be hurt by the fact that B and I are hanging out, regardless of how schmucky he may have acted, would truly bother me. A and I happen to work in the same place, although it’s a big company and we rarely see each other. But it’s not like A’s out of my life and I’ll never see him again. If we could ever get to the point where we could be friends, I would want that. And I wouldn’t want B’s and my hanging out to hinder that.2. Maybe my emotional radar is all screwed up, but I can’t tell if B’s feelings are completely platonic or not. I don’t really know him too well, so when he says things like “You’re perfect” and “You’re the kind of girl my friends and I always talk about,” I don’t know if he’s trying to tell me something or if he really is just that nice. I’m likely to believe the latter because the first time A and I parted ways, B told me that he told A he was an idiot for letting me go. If he really wanted to make a play for me, would he bother telling A not to be such a tool? Regardless, as wonderful of a person as B is, I’m not attracted to him in that way.
So, do I continue a friendship with B, or put some distance there because of the history with A and possible awkwardness if B does have a little crush on me? I’m probably blowing this all out of proportion but I’m truly confused.
The strong independent woman in me says, “Be friends with whomever you want. A was stupid — don’t let some misplaced residual feelings make you miss out on making a new friend.” But the hyper-emotional girl in me says, “A friendship with B will only cause a deeper rift with A and will make any future contact with him awkward and strained.”
If there is one thing I do know, it’s that it’s easier being single. Please help me, Sars, I can take it like a (wo)man.
Signed,
Three’s Company
Dear Company,
It sounds to me like you don’t want to jeopardize any possibility of still appealing to A as a potential girlfriend. I’ve hoed that row, so I don’t judge you, but here’s the thing — you can tell yourself that it’s about becoming friends with A, or not getting in the middle of his friendship with B, but that’s not what it’s really about.
Not to say that you genuinely don’t want A’s feelings to get hurt, but — why? Why do you feel duty-bound to look out for him emotionally? Because you don’t want him to think that you don’t care? Because you don’t want to come off like a bitch? Because you don’t want to alienate him in case he still likes you? He’s a grown man. If he’s got a problem with you and B hanging out, he can say so; if he’s still interested in you That Way, he can tell you as much; if B has a crush on you, that’s an issue he can take up with A on his own. A doesn’t need you to look out for his interests; he’s evidently plenty good at doing that on his own. He’s not that fragile.
This isn’t about him, or about B. It’s about you, about your motivations. Ask yourself why you want to protect A when he wouldn’t — and, it seems, didn’t — show you the same courtesy. Ask yourself again. Ask until you get an honest answer.
I mean, respect A’s feelings all you like, but if he wants a friendship with you, he can act like it. Until then, do what you please and don’t worry about him — he’s got that angle covered, I assure you.
[8/8/01]
Tags: boys (and girls)
