The Vine: August 8, 2003
Dear Sars,
For the longest time I’ve been itching to start my own web journal — yours being my all-time favorite (along with Squishy, The Redhead Papers, Pound, and some others) — but I have some misgivings. I don’t know any journallers personally, and, in my opinion, you’re the best in the business, so I thought I would harass you about it first.
First of all, there’s the issue of my writing. I’m looking to journalling as a way to improve it, refine it, and force myself to do some writing instead of claiming writer’s block on that great novel idea I had while I was having my hair washed at the salon. But I’m pretty sure I won’t be too pleased with what I write in the first few months or even years. Can I be sure it won’t come back to bite me in the ass if I ever gain credibility in this or another medium? And if I do turn a phrase or two that I might like to include in a later work, could there be a problem either with someone having already made it “his own,” or someone accusing me of stealing…from myself?
Also, what’s the protocol for recording real events? Do most journallers use real names — for themselves, their friends, their co-workers? Since I don’t know HTML, will I have to use a service like Diaryland, the home page of which makes me shudder? If it comes to that, will I have trouble distinguishing myself from journals with names like “absinthedreams” and “pearlofanguish?” Or will the content speak for itself (whatever it may have to say)?
Last question: Could a well-written web journal be any kind of stepping-stone, jobwise? Could it attract a client who needs a freelancer? Is it something I could put on a résumé, depending on whether the content is appropriate? Please advise!
Cacoethes Scribendi
Dear Scrib,
I can take a crack at these, but first, I should say that Tomato Nation isn’t a journal, properly speaking. It’s not that I mind if people call it that, and I don’t know what other name you’d give it, exactly (just don’t call it a blog, please — nothing wrong with blogs, but it isn’t one). I guess it’s more of a ‘zine…I don’t know. I only mention it because more “traditional” journallers might have better insights into some of your questions, but I’ll just give you my perspective.
Your first question is kind of vague, but I think you want to know whether you should leave “embarrassing” or “bad” writing up, and it’s really up to you. I’ve never taken an entry down; when I go back in the archives and see the way I used to shoot my mouth off about certain issues, I cringe, but I leave them up anyway; I feel like it’s bad sportsmanship to pretend I haven’t ever written like a jerky know-it-all. Not everyone feels that way, and it’s your journal, so if you write something and then come back to it and think to yourself, “Ohhhh, wow, no,” you can take it down.
If someone else made your writing his own, he stole it from you, and writers cannibalize from their older work all the time, so I don’t think I understand your next question. Maybe I just answered it, but just in case — the copyright on that stuff more or less will belong to you (you can do more research on that here), and you can recycle your own stuff at will — it’s your stuff.
The protocol on real events is pretty much your judgment, and if readers see themselves and get pissed off, you have to decide ahead of time how to handle that. It depends on the subject, it depends on the people involved — I mean, I’ve done this for almost six years, and if I talk about his theoretical fro on the internet, I know my dad isn’t going to mind, but other people in my life have made it known that they don’t want to see themselves on the site, so they don’t. You have to decide whether it’s more important to tell a good story or to protect people.
Diaryland is fine. Don’t overthink that part of it. Just get the writing done and teach yourself HTML or ASP as you go along; don’t give yourself an excuse not to get started.
I have gotten work via TN, but…I wouldn’t count on that, at least not at first. It took three years, fifty weeks a year before anyone in a position to pay me found the place. You have to go looking for the work these days. Putting it on a c.v.? Sure, as a form of writing sample, but you should make it clear that it’s your personal journal and not a paying job, because sometimes HR people don’t know the difference.
Listen, I started Tomato Nation with a mondo crappo Sprynet page builder (Spry-who? Exactly). I had four readers, and exactly one of them wasn’t a blood relative. I just kept throwing the essays at the wall; I figured something had to happen even if I wasn’t quite sure what, and I never would have predicted what did happen, but the important thing is to start, and to keep going.
Sars:
As a loyal reader of The Vine, I have been dying to come up with a question that merits your sage advice. This is it: When referring to a private investigator in shorthand, is it correct to say/write “Private I.” or “private eye”? I can see reasoning for either, but I was wondering if there is a standard usage in this case. Thanks.
Obviously not privately investigating the question
Dear Ob,
Webster’s 11C has “private eye” as the shorthand for “private investigator,” coined in 1938. It also lists “PI” as standing for “private investigator” (as well as for “Philippine Islands” and “programmed instruction”). No listing for “private I.”
I’d go with “PI” or “private eye.”
Dear Sars,
I hoping you can help me with this issue, because I really don’t know what to do about it.
I am presently living with my cousin “Flake” in her house with her parents while I finish up with school. She is 23 and I’m 21, and while we were growing up, she was my role model/perfect older cousin/sister figure who I tried to be like as much as possible. Somewhere around the age of 16, however, she just totally wigged out. She was hospitalized for depression, got diagnosed as a bi-polar AND with ADD, and generally was given the idea that she’s a total emotional wreck who never again has to be responsible for her own behavior. Nevertheless, I still looked up to her, cared very much about her, and considered her my best friend.
A few months ago, we decided that it would be fun to get an apartment together when I finished with school and got a real job (she dropped out of college and is working as a records manager). I was really excited about it, until I came to live with her at her parents’ home.
On the surface, we get along fine, as we have fairly compatible personalities and similar senses of humor. But underneath it all, she is majorly messed up. She lies constantly to everyone, including me and her long-term boyfriend. She sleeps around and is involved in lots of destructive behavior relating to sex. Of course her boyfriend doesn’t know, and she’s always telling me the lie she gave him so I can cover for her. I’m completely sick of it, and am ready to just go tell him everything and bitch her out as well.
So my most immediate problem is what do I do about all this lying, and do I have an obligation to make her own up to her behavior? Secondly, I just moved to this city, and she is currently my main social outlet; I’ve become friends with her friends and don’t want to lose that if I can help it, but I’m on the last straw and ready to not care anymore. And lastly, what do I do about getting an apartment with her? I don’t think we would have any problems with the normal roommate stuff like who does the dishes and who pays the bills, but I don’t know if I can be around that kind of behavior. However, since she is my cousin and we’re close and our mothers are close, et cetera, I can’t just say that it’s not going to work without being ready to stick to my guns and face my whole family.
It comes down to the fact I really care about “Flake” and I want her to be a decent person, but I don’t want to deal with all this crap anymore. Have any advice?
Last Straw in Chicago
Dear Straw,
Flake’s lying is Flake’s problem. Tell her so. Tell her that you don’t appreciate her putting you in the middle, and that you won’t bring the subject up with anyone, but if asked directly, you will no longer lie for her. You love her, but it’s her life, and enough already.
Putting your foot down about the lying and the cheating may wind up solving your other problems — Flake may get all self-righteously pissed off, take her friends and go home, and not want to live with you anymore. Not that I’d call that an ideal state of affairs for you socially, but you can make other friends, and probably should start doing that anyway.
Or maybe it won’t change much of anything — her boyfriend is clueless, she keeps acting out, but you don’t have to keep the secret anymore if you don’t want to. Does that change how you feel about living with her? Because it kind of sounds to me like you think you’d get along with her roommate-wise; you’ve already lived in the same house with her, so you can probably gauge whether she’s going to clean up after herself and so on, but you resent having to deal with her infidelity drama. If you wouldn’t have to deal with that, does that change how you feel about living with her?
I mean, if you feel generally that she’s in a downward spiral and you don’t want to get involved, you shouldn’t get involved — but if you can find a way to tell her, nicely but firmly, that you love her, but you don’t want to cope with her sex/relationship drama in a living situation, maybe that will do the trick. Maybe the two of you can discuss what’s going on there and salvage the situation without turning it into a lines-drawn family fight.
Start by putting your foot down about abetting the cheating and see what happens from there.
Dear Sars,
I have a question that, for the moment, is related to hypothetical future events, and therefore is not of earth-shattering importance.
The background: I’m 24. For a number of reasons, including a mild form of social anxiety, I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a guy, et cetera. This is NOT the problem. I figure that will all work out when the time is right for me.
My problem is this: If/when I get around to the kissing thing, I think it will probably be fairly obvious that I’ve never done it before. I don’t necessarily want to bring it up before any kissage, but at the same time, I don’t want to come off as a horrible kisser. Assuming that the first-kiss experience doesn’t come as part of a drunken one-night thing, how do I/should I broach this topic with any future boys with whom I want to have any kind of physical relationship?
Thanks,
What Do You Mean You Can’t Take Kissing Lessons?
Dear Lessons,
Simple. You don’t broach it at all.
Kissing isn’t terribly difficult, really (not that you’d know that based on certain guys I went to college with, but never mind). When the time comes, you’ll basically know what to do, and I think you’d do better to stay calm and react to what’s going on than to make a big deal of the fact that you don’t know what you’re doing — because when it happens, then it’s happened, and then presto, you do know what you’re doing. All it takes is that first one.
If you want to say something afterwards and have a little laugh about it, sure, go ahead. Beforehand, I don’t see an up side to mentioning it — really. Just go with the flow.
Dear Sars,
Please slap me. No, just go ahead and do it. I know I’m a stupid fool for putting myself in this situation and I deserve to be thwapped soundly, but because of the nature of the predicament I can’t ask any one I know in real life to be the thwapper.
The situation/predicament/whatever: My husband, J, is okay with me having girlfriends but not boyfriends, and he was very supportive and kind when I recently split from my latest girlfriend. That apparently wasn’t enough, though, as I went out and found a nice little rebound fling in the form of W, a hot-motherfucking-hot, five-years-younger-than-me boy. (For the record, everyone’s fully legal, although some by less time than others.) I never made any pretense of wanting anything permanent with W — we were on the same page, namely the Let’s Have Some Fun Sex And Enjoy Each Other’s Company chapter of the Kama Sutra.
Yeaaaaaah. Now that W has taken up with someone closer to his own age, as was inevitable, I’m all snippy and miffed, full of “I wasn’t finished playing with you yet!” vitriol. I need someone to beat me with the “this is reality, bitch” stick, but no one I know personally is suitable for the job since I can’t freaking TALK to them about it. Plausible deniability, and all that.
Any suggestions as to how to adjust my emotional reactions to better match what’s going on in the real world? Or, if you’d prefer, please feel free to administer the previously-referenced thwap.
Very truly yours,
Silent Yet Stupid
Dear Stupid,
What do you want me to say? You shouldn’t have slept with W in the first place. Doing it got you burned. It’s real pain, but it’s all yours, and you’ll have to carry it by yourself — not because you don’t “deserve” sympathy, but because you set it up this way.
The burn will heal, but while it’s doing that, use the time to think about whether all of this could have been avoided. Think about whether your impulse control and your sense of entitlement might need reining in a little bit, if only for your own sake.
Now come here for a sec, I’ve got something else for you.
[Thwap!]
That’s for treating your husband like furniture. Take the man out for margaritas and try not to act like you’re the only person on earth from now on.
[8/8/03]
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar roommates sex the fam
