Okay…so two years ago he started seeing this girl, “Kimmy.” She is the complete polar opposite of him: controlling, saccharine, whiny, self-pitying, naive…you name it. When I met her I assumed this was one of those cases where opposites were attracting or something but didn’t really think it would last. She couldn’t have fit in with us less, but was really nice, and despite my prejudices or whatever, I grew to like her somewhat.

So…a year later, they move in together. This of course was all Kimmy’s doing, and being the easygoing (and, yes, spineless) guy he is, Ryan went along with it. A few months later, things began to get real bad. She would come home from work and actually start crying if he hadn’t, say, picked up tomatoes from the store. Whenever there were any visitors (and believe me, there really haven’t been many since this living situation began, and when there are it’s hardly a party scene…maybe some pot smoking and card playing), she would whine continually about how tired she was and either fall asleep on his lap or ask him into the other room “to talk,” basically about how he’d better ask whoever’s there to leave. Essentially, she began treating all of Ryan’s friends, people she’s gushed to over and over about how “it’s so great to have such cool people to hang out with, I’m so glad you’re all so fun and that I fit in,” like we didn’t exist.

Ryan became pretty miserable and began spending less time at home. His three best friends counseled him to the tune of, “You can’t live with her again, let’s figure out how to make this work.” Ryan agreed wholeheartedly, and often spoke wistfully of friends not living with their significant others as “smart bastards.” He vowed to tell to her when the landlord asked about their lease. His friends, knowing he does love her despite everything, suggested he continue to date her, just not live with her. Ryan agreed this would be the way to go, although Kimmy would probably freak out, as a hangnail usually sends her into a tailspin. I asked Kimmy if she and Ryan planned on keeping the apartment for next year. “Of course!” she said. Weeks passed and it became known that Ryan, though he hid the renewal forms from Kimmy for a week, never got the spine up to discuss it, and, surprise, would remain her live-in for at least another year.

This was a couple of months ago. Since then, she’s been irrational and controlling, as usual, and he seems to have developed a drinking problem. I usually only see him on weekends when we’re all having a couple, but his friends that work and go to school with him keep telling me that he can’t be alone with her without a few under his belt, he always wants to drink the night away with them, and that they’re worried about him. He’s had a pretty bad drug problem in the (high school) past, so he’s definitely got that addictive personality, and obviously has humungo problems dealing with his feelings/issues.

When I talk to him about their relationship all he wants to say is, “I dunno, I just love her.” Then WHY all the drinking? I see him either quietly self-destructing, or continuing to let Kimmy run his life until he not-so-quietly self-destructs. I know this is something that he needs to resolve himself, but is there anything anyone can say or do? The magnitude of this just hit me that one night, when three twenty-three-year-old guys, who, being twenty-three, drink a fair amount themselves, approached me separately to tell me, “Don’t say anything, but I’m really worried about his drinking.” I dunno, it just really scared me. Yes, Ryan and Kimmy are both at fault here, and I don’t want to butt in, but I also don’t want to watch my friend become a drunk, or to be unhappy forever.

Can anything be done?

Concerned Friend of a Spineless, Confused Guy

Dear Concerned,