The Vine: August 9, 2005
Dear Sars —
I hang out in a group of four of us friends. We have known each other for years, and for the most part, get along very well as a group. But lately, one incident has made things very strained between the four of us.
Two of my friends within this group were best friends. The problem is that one of them, I’ll call her A, is significantly younger than the other, who I’ll call J. This sort of led to a very lopsided relationship in which J pretty much called all the shots and A did whatever J wanted. Now A has grown up a bit and seen the relationship for what it was and put a stop to it. I completely supported A on this, because the relationship was dysfunctional and she needed to get out of that bad pattern. A has been leaning on me for moral support through all this.
The problem is the fallout. J has reacted very badly to this. She accuses A of being a backstabber and liking everybody else much more than her, and that if A really wanted to make her happy, she would do what J wants. J has basically said her happiness rests on A’s behavior, and nothing will ever make her happy again unless A does what she wants. Basically laying a big ol’ guilt trip on A. She’s also resorted to making suicidal comments to all of us, saying she feels like she can’t go on without A’s friendship back the way it was.
I take suicide comments very seriously — I have a psych degree and I’ve been through depression. I’ve asked J if she intended to follow through, and if she had a plan, and J says she’s too weak to do it. I’ve urged J to get psychiatric help of some sort and told her I would be there for her however she needed me. She’s said no. She continues to try to manipulate A. A is onto this, but the guilt is getting to her. She blames herself for J’s current mental state and wonders if it would just be better to give in. I’ve told her she’s done the right thing by standing up for herself and getting out of the bad friendship pattern.
The three of us are very concerned about J’s mental health but J won’t do anything about it. I think J has depression and possibly a personality disorder, but I can’t tell J because it’ll upset her and like I’ve said, she doesn’t want to seek help. A wants to make the final break from J, but fears it’s gonna send J over the edge. She doesn’t know what to do. I’ve always said you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and what J does is not going to be A’s fault. At this point, we don’t know what to do. We’re afraid of what happens if A confronts J with her feelings, but we know it’s unfair to A to be put in this situation. What do you think we should do?
Walking On Eggshells
Dear Egg,
The “we” is a little confusing to me; do you want me to tell you what A should do, or what you as a group should do about J, or what? Because you, Egg, I think should stay out of it, to the extent that you can — just subtract yourself from the drama equation and let A do whatever she’s going to do or needs to do, no judgments.
But I get the feeling that won’t happen, so…you know, if A can’t deal with J’s drama anymore, she can’t, and she should cut ties. And if it sends J over the edge, well, you’ll all cross that bridge when you get to it. I don’t mean to sound insensitive to J here, or to imply that you should just blow off her suicidal comments because she’s a drama queen, but…the thing is, you do get to a certain point with people like J where it’s not a friendship anymore; it’s management of a chronic condition, and it takes over every situation the group finds itself in, where everything is all about discussing J, handling J, dealing with the fallout from J’s latest meltdown, and so on. And I think you have to ask who benefits from that set-up, because from here, I don’t think anyone does.
I think you, A, and your other friend need to understand that, in the end, J is responsible for herself; you need to make it clear to her that you love her and you’ll try to help her if she needs it, but certain behavior is not okay; and you need to hold the line on that. Yes, J needs help, and yes, you should sympathize with her, but not to the point where she controls you and everyone else in the circle of friends.
Dear Sars,
My mother died seven months ago after a very brief illness. My family knew something was very wrong last summer because she had such a debilitating cough that she was unable to work. She was diagnosed with allergies, asthma, pneumonia, et cetera. Finally we found out she had stage four lung cancer. She died seven weeks later.
She was my rock, my mentor, my dear love. She kicked my ass yet picked me up when I fell down. She was a magnificent mother.
My problem is that a friend I have had since I was 14 has truly fallen down on the friend job and I really hate her for it.
When Mama was sick, this friend didn’t get why I was so alarmed. When Mama was diagnosed she marvelled that we all seemed to know something was very wrong. She also told me that if one of her parents were to die she would take it in stride because she is very religious, everything happens for a reason, whatever. Consequently, my enormous grief at having a mother with terminal cancer was lost on her.
I mentioned to her that she isn’t close to her parents, so maybe she could imagine how her children would feel if she were terminally ill. She said that she hoped she would raise her children in such a way that they would be able to be “more self-possessed” in that situation. I wrote her off as a shithead with no heart.
She prides herself on being the perfect Catholic. She makes meals repeatedly for those in her church who are sick or who just had a baby. Meals made for me? None.
When Mama died, well, she kind of disappeared. She had surgery on her shoulder the day of Mama’s funeral, and I talked to her on the phone that night telling her to ask the nurse for warm blankets because she was cold, et cetera. After that, I didn’t really hear from her very often.
I spent my Christmas vacation cleaning out my Mother’s house. Eight-hour days hauling and packing things. This was two months after Mama’s death, and I was physically and emotionally toast.
We had plans for New Year’s Eve, but that was the day I finished in my mother’s house. I was a walking zombie. I called her and told her I couldn’t possibly do anything that night because I was too exhausted. She laughed! She said she always found it funny that I was tired, because as the mother of four (which she is), I didn’t know from tired. I explained that I was physically exhausted from all of the work in my mom’s house and that I was still grieving. She said, “Still?”
I didn’t hear from her again — until yesterday. She called to ask if I wanted to go to a function with her that night. After all this time, she just called like nothing had happened. I said no. That was the end of the phone call.
Mutual friends think I should patch up this long-term friendship, but you know what? I can’t forgive her. I think she sucks and I don’t want her as a friend.
Am I just too emotional about my mother’s loss to see clearly, or am I right that she is just not a good friend?
Today would have been my mother’s 69th birthday and I think Mama would have kicked this friend’s ass
Dear Feel Free To Borrow My Mom, She’ll Punt Catholic Annie Into Next Week,
I’m so sorry about your mom.
No, I don’t think you’re too emotional about your mother’s loss to see clearly. Your friend is really insensitive and didn’t support you, at all, and if you can’t forgive her, you can’t.
That said, if it’s really that clear-cut, I don’t see why mutual friends want you to mend fences. Do they understand that she blew you off, and basically judged you for the way you handled the loss? Or is there more to the story that I haven’t heard?
Because if this is the whole story, well, tell them politely that it’s between you and Supermom, and that, while you can behave civilly towards her at group functions, you’re done with her otherwise. And if Supermom herself doesn’t get why the two of you don’t hang out anymore, tell her in plain English what you just told me, because I get the sense that you were too taken aback to call her on it before, and while you “shouldn’t have to,” sometimes…you have to. Sometimes people really don’t get it and need to be told straight up that they acted like jackasses.
And who knows, that might fix things between you; she might feel terrible about it, and you might be able to forgive her. But if not, seriously, you don’t need a friend like that. She’s way more focused on validating her own shit than she is in you anyway. Drop her.
Hey Sars,
Two of my friends have been fighting over this petty issue for months and it is driving me insane. The debating over what the ethical solution to the problem is and what the “right thing to do” has gone way past the point of rationality and neither of them will take my advice so I am looking for an objective point of view. Here’s what happened:
For C’s birthday last year, H bought her a Coach wristlet, which cost $50. About half a year later in November, H and C were out together and H managed to accidentally lose the wristlet (although C was right there at the time, so whose fault it ultimately was is kind of ambiguous), the contents of which at the time amounted to about $40.
C has remained adamant that H buy her a replacement wristlet and pay her back $40. H just doesn’t think she has any obligation to do so because it was originally a gift and therefore the loss of it didn’t cost C any money (besides what was inside it).
The issue became more complicated because for Christmas C bought H a $90 Coach sling and H didn’t get C anything. While it’s my own opinion that you can’t really complain about not getting a gift because even if it’s not technically fair you’ll just end up seeming like a selfish bitch with a jacked up sense of entitlement, C has added the lack of gift to the list of things that H needs to make up to her. This situation intensified when C’s birthday passed again, and still no gift or replacement wristlet from H, although H continues to claim that she intends to eventually get her something.
Since then, C has pretty much erased any sympathy I had for her in the situation by becoming extremely demanding and constantly angry; using this as fuel for totally unrelated arguments; constantly changing her demands; and even threatening to take back her Christmas present to H to make up for the lost wristlet and absent presents. She actually seems to believe that H owes her 190 ($100 for the sling…which was a gift from C to H, therefore I don’t believe she can expect to be reimbursed for it, $50 for the wristlet…which C never spent money on in the first place since it was a gift from H to C, and $40 for the lost contents of the wristlet).
I cannot stand trying to maintain a balance between them any longer over something this dumb. Should H buy a replacement wristlet or just pay her the $40 for the lost contents or both? Does H have an obligation to get C Christmas and birthday presents now? Why are my friends so damn petty anyway?
Thanks,
The World Would Be A Better Place Without Designer Bags
Dear And Without Stupid People,
Okay, I seriously had to read this letter out loud, twice, to make sense of any of it, and in the end, the details of who lost whose bag and whatever holiday blah blah fucking blah…irrelevant. This is not about the wristlet; this is not about the Christmas present. This is about a fundamental imbalance in the friendship that C is trying, and failing, to address via Coach products.
I mean, yes, in H’s position, I would just replace the wristlet and the forty bucks and whatever-all lipstick C had in there, because it’s not a gift issue; it’s a responsibility issue, and when you lose something that belongs to your friend, you should make every reasonable effort to find and/or replace it. It’s the nice thing to do.
But H doesn’t want to do the nice thing, which…sends a message, frankly, and maybe it’s not conscious, but C is reading it loud and clear: H just doesn’t really give a shit. About C, about anyone other than herself, I can’t say, but C got it and C is pissed. She’s refusing to drop it because, if she does, it means that she accepts H’s “[shrug]” attitude towards her stuff, her feelings, the whole friendship, and she’ll either have to forgive H for that, or she’ll have to accept that H isn’t going to make that effort, and end the friendship. And she doesn’t want to do either, because…see above re: admitting that H doesn’t really care.
It’s not about the wristlet. It’s about H basically saying, “I feel no obligation to treat you properly.” And if it’s not that, it’s how C is interpreting it regardless, so tell her to shit or get off the pot with it already but it’s driving everyone crazy, so she can eat the loss and move on or she can tell H to drop dead, but you don’t want to hear the word “Coach” out of her mouth again unless she’s talking about Little League, because enough already.
[8/9/05]
Tags: etiquette friendships
