Sars,

I know relationships “have a lifespan,” but does this
mantra change when it comes to family?The lowdown:
I’m getting married in a few weeks.I lost both my
parents in the last five years. I have one kick-ass
sister and a relatively small extended family.My
immediate family was much closer to the extended
family when Sis and I were younger, spending all
holidays together, weekends at a family summer house,
et cetera.Since my parents passed away, I don’t speak to
the relatives as often, and when I do, it’s usually
because I initiate the contact.I have never been
under the illusion that my adult relationships with
the extended clan are particularly tight but didn’t
think twice about inviting all of my relatives to the
wedding, which is in my fiancee’s home town about a
six-hour drive (or one-hour flight) from where most of
my relatives live.

The issue (as if you don’t see this coming)?Almost
every single member of the extended family has
informed me they can’t come to my wedding.The
reasons vary, from the somewhat reasonable to the
ridiculous.Cousin A can’t come because it’s too
difficult to travel with his two young children.
Cousin B won’t come because she’s upset that I invited
Aunt C, with whom she has some long-simmering
resentment.Aunt D claims her husband can’t travel
for health reasons, even though her own son appeared
to know nothing about my uncle’s “condition.”My
grandmother, my only surviving grandparent, said she
was coming.When my sis contacted her to tell her we
would arrange for her transportation to the wedding,
Grandma told Sis she wasn’t going to make it, citing a
variety of slightly-conflicting excuses (most of which
focused on her health, and the woman is damn old).

Initially, my reaction was profound disappointment,
but I found myself cutting the family a lot of slack.
The wedding is a major trek/expense for most of them,
et cetera.Sis has been furious with the relatives from the
get-go, and as more and more “regrets” rolled in, I’ve
gone past being pissed off to wondering whether I
should just be done with my extended family.Sis has
pretty much said she’s writing them off, since they’ve
shown almost no support for us since we lost our
parents and this is the final straw for her.I
totally see her point, but part of me can’t help but
feel that “family is family,” even though most of them
are being major asshats.

Do I just cease making any effort when it comes to the
extended family (given that they’ve shown they aren’t
exactly there for me)?Or do I just accept them for
who they are, even if it means having continued (but
even more limited/distant) relationships with them?

Gloomy Groom

Dear Gloom,

Your feeling may be that “family is family,” but…your extended family either doesn’t agree, or doesn’t define that phrase the same way you do.I don’t think you have to cut them off, but accepting that they don’t consider you particularly close — not close enough to travel to your wedding, at any rate — and not putting yourself out staying in touch with them is probably the best middle-of-the-road solution.

It sucks that your extended family isn’t making you and your wedding more of an occasion and a priority within the family, but it is what it is.Now you know, going forward.

O Wise Sars, I seek your help in matters of the heart (kind of).

I’m 19 years old and in my second year at university. I’ve never had a
boyfriend before, for various reasons. I’m painfully shy, and I have a lot
of trouble communicating with people my own age, unless I’ve known them a
long time. I’m also overweight. I’m not obese or
anything. I eat pretty well, and I exercise occasionally, but I’m definitely
bigger than most girls my age.

A couple weeks ago I started talking to this guy that I met online. He’s
great, we get along well, I really like him a lot. The problem is that he
gives me a lot of compliments.Which is not a problem in itself of course,
what girl doesn’t want to be told that she probably looked cute in her
stupid Halloween costume?

My problem is that whenever he gives me a compliment, I feel like I’m
leading him on. He’s only seen one blurry picture of me, from the neck up.
And it just seems like I’m lying to him, which I hate.

What should I do? I can’t tell him to stop complimenting me, and I can’t
just randomly say in the middle of a conversation, “Oh, by the way, I’m
overweight, but I’m working on it.” He hasn’t asked for another picture of
me, so I can’t send him a better one, although I’m not even sure that I
would.

I think I want to meet this guy eventually, and if I do, I don’t want him to
feel like I lied to him, which is what I feel like I’m doing right now.

Sincerely,
Just Not Cute

Dear Just,

Come up with an excuse to send him a picture — a clear, recent photo that is indicative of what you look like.If you can’t think of a good pretext, tell him the truth: you think he should know what you look like, if things are going the direction they seem to be.

Because it’s not really about “lying” to the guy; it’s about not putting him, or yourself, in the position of disappointing each other or being disappointed when it’s time to meet in person.You can’t get into a relationship with someone if you don’t want him to know what you really look like; you need to have at least that basic confidence and trust in yourself, and in his reaction.

Dear Sars,

Love you, love your site, am a big fan of everything you do.Everything you write about, at least.I think I’m a little bit older than most of your advice seekers, but that just goes to show — relationships are always an issue.

I’m in my early forties, my partner is in his late thirties.We’ve been living together for nearly a year now, and there’s one issue that sticks in both our craws that we can’t seem to get over or around.Your role as advice columnist and co-founder of Television Without Pity uniquely qualifies you to offer some sage advice.

Guy and I love each other deeply, and our relationship was founded over a love of books.We were both living upstate when we met, and I had a low-stress job that allowed plenty of reading time and lots of alone time as well.

Now we’re living together in the big city, and my job as a director at a non-profit is very stressful — not more than I can handle, just enough for me to need to unwind mindlessly at the end of the day.My idea of unwinding is an hour or two of Law and Order: Criminal Intent or one of the many other shows I DVR.The problem: we live in a loft, and while there are two semi-built-out rooms, one of which is his office, one mine, there is very little sound separation.When I watch TV he finds it hard to work or read.

That problem could be solved with headphones, but there is a deeper issue.Guy thinks TV is, basically, a waste of time.He thinks of it as slothful, addictive, the opiate of the masses.I just…don’t.I feel that if I want to watch one, two, three hours of TV at night to wind down, I should be able to do so without having someone glare at me, make rude comments about what I’m watching, or be all Judgey McJudgealot about it.

It sounds like a stupid problem, but I love my pop culture.It as much a part of my cultural life as reading, and I find it enjoyable and satisfying.The long-term solution is to move into a place where we can both have space to do as we wish, no questions asked.But short-term, I guess my question is this: Has this ever been an issue for you or your wonderfully TV-obsessed friends at TWoP?Is there a way to find a meeting of the minds between these two very different worldviews?

Thanks,
Vincent D’Onofrio is a freaky genius, and I’m not giving him up

Dear Nor Should You,

You’ve got two issues here: the roommate issue, and the relationship issue.The roommate issue is that you live in a space such that, when one of you watches TV, you both do — and the solution to that problem is to take yourself to Radio Shack or wherever and invest in a pair of cordless headphones.

The relationship issue is that you don’t have this hobby or pleasure in common, and that, instead of just letting you have your TV time and not participating, he’s actively expressing contempt for TV — and by extension for you.That’s really not acceptable, and you need to tell him so.It’s not like you go over to where he’s reading, roll your eyes, tell him he’s a stuck-up pinko who thinks he’s better than other people, and walk off.You just let him read.

So, you need to let him know that if he’s not into TV, he’s not, but…you get it, already, and if he can’t respect the way you unwind, you have a problem with that.Now, if his actual problem is that he doesn’t think he gets to spend enough quality time with you when you’re vegging in front of the tube, the two of you need to address that, but if it’s just that he doesn’t respect you because you like TV?That’s a different and more serious problem, and so is the fact that he can’t let you have an interest he doesn’t share without sniping at it.

Figure out what’s really bothering him about the TV-watching you do.If it’s the TV-watching itself, either he needs to keep it to himself, or he needs to move on from the relationship if it’s that offensive to him.

…Stuck-up pinko.

(Just kidding.)

Hi, Sarah —

I have a holiday-etiquette-ish question to ask you.Or maybe I just want your opinion on a family feud that’s taking place right now.Here’s the backstory:

Last January, my dad died, almost a year after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.I miss him a lot, and I was already kind of dreading the holidays this year, because it was his favorite time of year and I know I’m going to spend a lot of it thinking about all the little things he’d do or say and missing him even more than usual.So that was strike one for this holiday season.

Strike two came when my sister (and only sibling) announced that she was going to go to Kentucky with her new boyfriend to meet his parents for Christmas.This really hurt me because I was already feeling how diminished our family holiday was going to be without Dad, but now half of our family was going be missing?(I should mention that our family has always been pretty tight and insular, and that we don’t see extended family very often.)On top of that, I really felt like I needed my sister’s support on Christmas beause I felt like she was the only one who could directly relate to what I’ll be feeling; my mom’s already moved on to a new live-in boyfriend (which hurts, but I try to understand), and while my husband is supportive, it’s not quite the same because he didn’t love Dad the way we did, and he doesn’t share the same family memories that my sis and I have.I let my sister know how I felt, but she refused to cancel her trip. I was hurt, but she’s an adult and is allowed to make her own decisions.

I decided that I was being childish and resolved to have the best Christmas I could; I figured that maybe my husband and I could bring our puppy over to my mom’s (I got the puppy as a sort-of “Dad stand-in” when he died, as a source of unconditional love to replace the one I lost, even though it’s not the same, obviously) and spend the night, and that would help me get at least some warm family feelings out of the holiday.

Then strike three was called — my sister asked my mom to take her annoying, badly-behaved, 120-pound dog while she’s out of town, and Mom accepted, which means a) my puppy can’t come (she’s a tiny cocker spaniel, and very afraid of other dogs), and b) my husband and I will have to deal with my sister’s dog (who we hate) all day and be barked at and annoyed from the time we show up to the time we go home.

That’s when I lost it.I felt like my sister had just completed the job of sucking whatever enjoyment I could get out of my holiday away, to the point where I don’t even want to attend now.My mom says that I’m being irrational, childish, manipulative and selfish for saying I don’t want to go, but I DO NOT want to deal with that monstrous dog.I think my sister’s the selfish one for not making other arrangements for the dog, who is her responsibility, not ours.At this point, I really just want to hole up with my puppy and my husband at home in peace for the day.

So I guess my question is, am I overreacting to the holiday/family/dog debacle?I’m 27, but when it comes to holidays I might as well be 10; I want my family and my traditions, just the way they’ve always been.I know that’s impossible this year without Dad, but I was hoping for something approximating what I used to have, when the dog arrangements made it clear that ALL of the “consolation prizes” I had set up for myself were going to be impossible, I just soured on the whole idea of going to Mom’s and making do.Should I suck it up and go anyway?Should I follow my feelings and stay home?Mostly, am I acting like a big baby about this, as Mom and my sister are claiming?

I know this is long-winded and complicated, so my apologies for that.Any advice or sense of perspective you could provide would be appreciated.Thanks, Sars!

Holiday Baby

Dear Holly,

Yes, you’re overreacting a little.I mean, you’re not, and yet…you are. You feel what you feel, and you want things to be as much like they used to be as possible, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting that.But it’s possible to take it too far as far as expecting other people to go along with it, and whether you like it or not, your mom and sister are moving on.The family dynamic has changed; your dad is gone; they’re embracing that, and you’re rejecting it.

I’m not saying either strategy is right or wrong, but you have to deal with what is, and honestly, even if your mom didn’t have a new man in her life and even if your sister hung out for Christmas and even if you didn’t have the dog issue to deal with, your dad is not going to be there.It’s not going to be the same.You aren’t ten.And it’s absolutely appropriate for you to mourn that and sulk about it, but…it doesn’t change the facts.

The dog situation is almost beside the point; if you don’t want to deal with your sister’s poorly trained hound, give your mother your pleasant regrets and make other plans, but you do have to understand that what you feel is what you feel, and you can’t necessarily expect the rest of your family to join you in that.It’s hard, and it’s sad, but again: things have changed, and if your mother and sister aren’t interested in pretending that isn’t the case, they aren’t, and you have to do what you need to for yourself.

I don’t think that’s particularly selfish, for the record, and if your mother tries to play that card, tell her that’s her opinion and end the conversation — but everyone in your family probably needs to recognize that not everyone is on the same timetable with the grief, and just let it be with each other.

Sars, I am in desperate need of your
no-nonsense wisdom…and an outside perspective.
I have two friends, Girl A and Girl B.B and I were
friends in high school, and A and B were best friends
with each other. I didn’t really hang out with A, but
after graduation all three of us went to the same
college, and B introduced me to A, and fun times were
had.

About a year after we all started hanging out, Girl B
decides that she and Girl A are Not Friends anymore.
Girl A has no idea about this until I ask her about
it.Girl B refuses to talk about it, or to talk to
Girl A.I didn’t know what the problem was, but I
assumed they’re both adults, they can work it out, or
not work it out, on their own.I told both of them
that I’m not fighting with anyone, and am still
talking to both of them.

It’s been four months since
then, and after a few nasty conversations with Girl B,
Girl A has given up trying to patch up with her.
I still see Girl B every day in class, so even though
I think she treated Girl A terribly, and I trust her
as far as I can throw her, I see no reason to pick a
fight when she didn’t really do anything to me.I
mean, Girl A can fight for herself — believe me — but
she’s chosen to just let it go.

My roommate and I are throwing a joint birthday bash
in a few weeks, and I don’t know what to do about the
guest list.Girl A is invited, but Girl B already
found out about the party through mutual friends…I
can’t NOT invite her without being rude.It’s a
pretty big party, so they won’t be thrown together or
anything, but forgive me, Sars, it’s my birthday, and I
don’t want squabbling at my party.

Part of me wants
to leave Girl B in the cold, a “reap what you sow” sort
of thing, but I’d like to think I’m a bigger person
than that.Should I tell B that A is going to be
there, and she can just not come if she doesn’t like
it?Should I just let it go and assume everyone can
pretend to be mature?I’ve talked to Girl A about it,
and while she’s reassured me that I should feel free
to invite anyone and everyone, I can tell she doesn’t
want to deal with Girl B.To complicate things
further, my roommate doesn’t like Girl B much at all,
and thinks we should just invite Girl A.How on earth
do I make everyone happy?

Signed,
I Thought We Left This In Middle School

Dear Then Leave It,

A and B both know you don’t want to be in the middle; they’re both adults.Invite them both, expect them to behave themselves, and if they can’t do that, ask whichever one acted up to leave.Period.

You can’t always handle other people like they’re going to live down to your expectations; you have to give them a chance to act right, and if they don’t, you have to call them on it.Throw the party, don’t think about A and B unless there’s a flare-up, and if there is a flare-up, deal with it then.But this politicking is B’s problem; leave it to B to be adult about (or not, as the case may be).

[12/1/05]

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