The Vine: December 1, 2010
Dear Sars,
I have a very confusing in-law situation going on right now that I am not sure what to do about, and everyone I have asked for advice has just kind of shaken their head at me and given me a “you are so screwed” face.
Earlier in the summer, I married the love of my life and my best friend. He comes from a fairly abusive home, yet he and his siblings have never confronted their parents about any of the emotional/physical abuse (of which both parents were perpetrators, and there were also pretty serious issues between the parents), and all the kids and parents act like they are a typical, happy, lovey family. My husband is in counseling now to try and wade through all of it before we start our own family, and has somehow emerged as a kind, sensitive, gentle man.
Husband has two brothers I love, plus one sister, who is married with two adorable kids. SIL lives nearby to us and we have socialized with them quite a bit. When I first met SIL, Husband let me know she has (literally) no friends and asked me to befriend her. Although she and I have very little in common, I made an effort to become friends with her.
I learned that we would probably never be friend-friends, but saw good qualities in her and felt like we were on the road to being good sisters-in-law, and I included her in the wedding party after she told me how hurt she was at not being included in any other family weddings. Throughout the course of pre-wedding and wedding activities, it because clear to me that she is pretty insecure and she pulled some passive-aggressive nonsense with me, which I ignored across the board, because I know she has been through a lot and sometimes doesn’t seem to “get” social cues.
Fast forward to about a month after the wedding. We go to a party at SIL’s house, where she and her husband are hosting pre-and post-parties for a local wine festival. A few of Husband’s and their friends are there, as are her husband’s (Brother-in-Law’s) brothers and sister. She has a strained past with the brothers, and has complained time after time about how BIL’s sibs have treated her…alleging affairs, cursing at her, etc. However, on the surface, they all act like they are cool with each other.
We all act fake-nice, go to the festival, and return. Many people (basically everyone but me and SIL) are very intoxicated. Eventually, it is just us and the BILs. BIL’s Brother #1, randomly, starts talking crap to the entire group about SIL, while we are all standing in her backyard. Pretty much just “what a stupid bitch, ha ha ha, I can’t believe what a blankety blank she is,” etc. It was so weird and uncomfortable.
I saw Husband getting upset, and took him inside to try to defuse him. He said that he was going to say something to BILB, and I tried to talk him out of it, especially in light of the booze, but also because #1, it is SIL’s place, or alternately, BIL’s place to stand up for her, and #2, I was afraid it would escalate.
Add to this that Husband is handicapped because of a terrible car crash when he was 25. I am talking chemically induced coma, 60-plus surgeries, can’t lift his arms above his shoulders handicapped. He looks strong and healthy, but he is actually quite fragile. Although I know he got into his share of fistfights with his own brothers over the years, as an adult he is not a violent person at ALL, but I do not know BIL’s family well enough to know how testosterone and alcohol affect them.
Husband still asks to walk with BILB#1 when he leaves, and BILB#2 joins them. SIL sees this going in a bad direction, and orders BIL to accompany them and make sure nothing escalates. After approximately two minutes I get nervous and follow them. When I arrive, Husband is lying limp on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, BIL standing next to him, and BILBs are gone.
Sars, it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. BIL immediately starts blaming Husband, saying the blood isn’t his, he hit BILB#1 first, etc. He tells me that if I call the police, Husband will be the one to get in trouble. In hindsight, I got steamrolled by SIL and BIL in my state of shock, and we drive him to the hospital ourselves. They tell me that Husband is violent, needs help, etc. I am confused, terrified, and basically just focusing on making sure he is okay.
Of course later I find out that version of events and everything else they were saying was a total lie. We find out he has broken ribs and his eye socket has been fractured. Basically, his face was stomped in, the right side of his face is crushed, and emergency surgery is required. It was an awful situation, which resulted in us having to cancel our (amazing!) honeymoon because he was not allowed to leave the country, a huge financial strain because he could not work for five weeks, and a huge emotional strain because of the situation itself, having to tell my family and our friends what happened, etc.
So: everyone was wrong. Husband said he did hit BILB#1 first. However, BIL and both BILBs are well aware of Husband’s physical condition. And regardless of his handicap, it was a 2-on-1 fight with BIL holding my husband’s arms back while they beat him. It was not a fistfight, it was, in my mind, a savage beating.
Following the incident, SIL started calling me and Husband nonstop telling us that we weren’t allowed at their home, he needed to apologize to BILB#1 immediately, and begging us not to tell anyone in their family, since they “hate her husband already.” Against his wishes, Husband honored her request, only to find out later that she had called their mom and brothers and told them a hugely fabricated version of events.
At this point, I cut off contact with her altogether, and Husband did the same. We have not spoken since, although she has texted several times…never asking how he is, just trying to guilt him into seeing his nieces. Neither of us has replied to any of her messages. Add to all of this fuckery that MIL has decided that FIL must not know, and as far as I know, no one has told him.
So. The holidays are coming up. MIL, in classic codependent style, is actually trying to make plans for us all to get together as if none of this ever happened, and Husband loves MIL so much, I know he will want to accommodate her wishes. I want to support Husband, but I am not sure that my boundaries will allow me to socialize with SIL and BIL. I am so so so so so angry with them for how they handled the situation and even more so for what happened afterwards (believe it or not, I gave you the edited version). And I know that I have no intention of lying to FIL if anything related to any of this comes up.
What the heck do I do? I don’t want my new “family” to hate me (BIL/SIL excluded, who I could care less about), and despite their issues, I have good relationships with all of them. I definitely don’t want to hurt Husband. But I don’t want to betray my own need for healthy boundaries either. And, quite frankly, I am wondering how I will get through half an hour of chit-chat without someone asking me how Europe was and me replying that I have no idea because I spent the month of August feeding Husband a liquid diet and filling his prescriptions.
My mother told me we should move to California
Dear Cali,
The first thing to do is to get on the same page with Husband about the whole situation. Explain to him that, you know, you understand that this is his family and that you don’t want to tell him how to do — but you can’t, and won’t, spend social time with SIL and her husband unless and until 1) some kind of apology, or at least acknowledgment that the situation is not entirely the fault of your household, is forthcoming and 2) any lies told about it to Husband’s family at your-all’s expense are retracted. Remind him that, as you’ve said, you spent the month of August feeding him a liquid diet and filling his prescriptions, and you’d happily do it again because you love him, but what you won’t do is pretend it didn’t happen, and anyone who’s set on that course of action can drink a pint of bees as far as you’re concerned.
See what he says. Listen. Try not to get angry all over again, and to keep in mind that you have two stories here: 1) these people wronged your husband; 2) your husband loves these people anyway. It’s difficult when a romantic partner has relatives who behave unacceptably and then he accepts the behavior and fails to follow through with consequences, but you have to remind yourself that it’s not as cut and dried for him as it is for you (and that, in this case, based on what you’ve said about his childhood, this kind of abuse and denial is…well, not “his comfort zone” exactly, but sort of, in that it’s familiar, his version of terra firma).
Work together on trying to establish joint boundaries for the situation, and stay flexible where you can — i.e., you really can’t face them this year, but things could change by the 2011 holidays, you don’t want to write off the whole family, etc. Talk about whether he’d feel comfortable with you calling the family members you do like, or reaching out in some other friendly way that makes it clear you want a relationship with them but doesn’t force them to pick sides. (“Sorry we won’t get to see you this Christmas” is fine; adding a “…but it’s all SIL’s fault,” no good.)
But if you can’t bring yourself to pretend nothing happened, don’t. Your husband may decide to do something different, and I know how maddening that might feel, but you have to draw your own line without judging where he puts his, and let him figure it out for himself.
Dear Sars,
I’m going on a two-week vacation in January, and I’d love to hear you and your readers weigh in on the cat-sitter v. kennel debate.
My 10-year-old cat Emma is a shy, sweet girl who is extremely wary of strangers. She runs under the bed if anyone new comes into the apartment. If the same person starts visiting regularly, she will eventually venture out, but she will dart back under the bed or into the closet if the guest makes any sudden movements or loud noises.
In the past, my parents have always taken care of her when I have travelled — if it’s a short trip, they visit her at my place daily, and I take her to their place if I am going to be away for a week or more. Emma has lived with my parents, and she’s comfortable with them. This trip is different, because I’m going with my parents. (They are taking my sister and me to Hawaii for their 40th anniversary. Awesome, no?)
My parents feel she should be at a kennel of some sort, because she will get more attention, but I don’t know if it’s attention she would welcome. I tend to think that she would be more comfortable on her own turf, with her familiar hiding places. I could have a sitter come in daily to feed her, scoop the litter, and make sure she is still alive. The sitter would play with Em too if Em were willing, but I wouldn’t expect that to happen. Either way, there is going to be at least one stranger around, and it seems to me that it would be less stressful to have to deal with that in a familiar setting.
My parents think she would be more likely to come around to the playing or even cuddling with a stranger in a kennel, because she won’t have really anywhere to hide, but I just think she’d be happier just hiding.
I’m giving my parents a stake in this is that she is really their cat, too. I moved back home with Emma about 9 years ago, after I broke up with the boyfriend I had been living with. I stayed nearly two years — I went back to college, then got a good job before moving out, and in that time, they became quite attached to the cat. Then a few years ago, I was having landlord/maintenance issues in my apartment and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, so Emma and I came home again, for about 18 months this time. Emma and I have been back in our own apartment for more than two years now.
So what do you think?
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
It’s nice of you to give your parents a vote, but I think a “possession is nine tenths of the law” approach is in effect here. Emma lives with you right now; she’s lived with you for the majority of her life; it’s you who takes her to the vet and buys her food, and it’s you who will pay for whatever cat-care solution you decide on.
Most cats would rather stay home, particularly ones who aren’t “only” cats and won’t get lonely, but it’s eminently possible to get a sitter who will literally sit with the cat for an hour or two and read a magazine or whatever. The last cat-sitter I hired would come for an hour twice a day, feed and play with the cats, and leave detailed (and adorably hilarious) notes about each session: what toys she used, the consistency of the poops, on and on.
Hobey and Little Joe also do fine in a kennel environment if it’s necessary — they can share a cage, and they like the attention — and neither of your options is likely to traumatize Emma permanently, but the easiest choice, net, is to find a hands-on sitter and not disrupt her. If your parents question the decision, tell them you appreciate their input, but you’ve already crossed it off your list — and if it doesn’t work out, you’re happy to let them subsidize a kennel stay for next time.
Tags: cats the fam
Dawn,
I vote for getting a cat-sitter. That’s what I always do and I think my cats are happy with my choice. I went to visit the kennel I was considering and it was just too noisy (they have a doggie day camp there) and hectic.
I think Emma would be much more comfortable staying home, but if you decide to go the kennel route, maybe find one where it’s just for cats (or the cats are in a separate building or something.)
Erin
That in-law story is just about the most infuriating thing I’ve read in a long time. Just have to say, I would be lobbying Husband hard for opting out of the family altogether. Savage beatings are no joke, and the lying and mis-targeted shame piled on top are beyond insulting. I’m so sorry for Cali.
Cali, I’m with your mom. Moving would solve so much of this clusterfrak!
As a more serious suggestion, might there be a temporary trip you can take over the holidays that get you and hubby out of town? If finances preclude a real vacation, is there some relative or buddy on your side that lives far enough away to hang with? I certainly wouldn’t scruple to tell folks “Hey, we just redeemed some miles and are off to Pago Pago for Christmas!” even if I were only off to Bayonne.
That way, you’d give yourself some space and time to assess before wading back in those fraught family waters.
Dawn, whenever we go away for more than a few days, I have a friend (and fellow cat-lover, so she doesn’t mind the litter scooping) come over and check on the cats every day or two. She feeds them, scoops the litter boxes, loves on them…I pay her, but it’s nice that it’s someone the kitties know. Maybe see if you can get a friend or coworker or another “cat person” in your life to look after Emma while you’re gone…
My cats do prefer being at home, especially because we when leave, we kennel the dogs, so it’s like their own vacation. Ha.
Another vote for a cat sitter coming to the house. My cat is also really wary of strangers and does a lot of bolting/hiding anytime anyone comes over, but at 12 years old and a lifelong ‘only’ cat, throwing him into a totally new environment with legions of other animals he’s not used to being around just seems way more disruptive as Sars notes. So what if he doesn’t want to socialize with the cat sitter … at least I know he’s got fresh food and water and a clean litter box, and it’s also nice to have someone checking in on the house when we’re away. He may or may not come out to play (our sitter service is large and busy, and the same sitter doesn’t always come), but at least his needs are being met during the time we’re away. And Emma could surprise you … if she’s lonely or bored enough she may just saunter out to say hello and get a few rubs from the sitter, stranger be-damned. Good luck I’m sure she’ll be A-OK!
Dawn, I’m another vote for the cat-sitter. I do that for my two cats when I’m away, and although they were shy with my sitter at first, it’s much easier on them to stay home.
Dawn, I had the same debate with myself about my cat and put her in a kennel for a couple of trips even though my vet strongly recommended getting a cat sitter (because I had had a bad experience w/ a cat sitter before, and I was also neurotic about my apartment being broken into and someone stealing my cat). She’s an “only” cat and LOVES people, so I thought she’d like the kennel better. But after the second time I realized she hated it (she hissed at the other cats and peed everywhere on the way home – her way of showing she’s stressed). When she’s at home she has all her favorite places (and my smells) to comfort her and can roam the entire apartment at will instead of being in a cage. In my neck of the woods the cat sitter is the same price as the kennel and she sticks around and plays with her for a half hour each time (and picks up my mail and waters the plants as well). So my opinion is, go with the cat sitter. When I do short trips for work, I have a friend that I trade cat sitting duties with, but when I’m going on a long vacation I hire a cat sitter. You might be able to get cat sitter recommendations from your vet. Just as a note, I have nothing against kennels; the people at mine were fabulous. My cat just didn’t like it.
Cali,
That sucks beyond the telling, and I’m really, really sorry that you and your husband are going through it. Given that the honeymoon was canceled, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to spend alone time with your new husband on your first Christmas together. If he really wants to spend time with his family, you can schedule a nice dinner with MIL and FIL at some other point in December that doesn’t involve SIL and her toxic husband.
I don’t know how long you and your husband have been together, but your first married Christmas is a good time to establish your own traditions, so your absence can be explained on other grounds than “I don’t want to be anywhere near those people during a supposed time for celebration and closeness.”
Also, this doesn’t seem like the type of fabrication that can stay under wraps for too long. People talk and people speculate with the knowledge they already have. If your husband was out of commission for five weeks, family members, especially the two brothers, are going to ask why and figure some stuff out. While they may have kept quiet about abuse within the family, two non-family members beating the crap out of one of their own? May not be kept under wraps for too much longer.
I am pro-cat-sitter with shy cats. I know my cat would be freaked out if we left him at a kennel. He might miss us, but at least he’s got his bed and everything smells the way it should. I’ve used folks who work at the local vet/animal hospitals (lots of them do this for extra money), so they’re used to handing animals. My kitty is on chronic meds, so I have to have someone find him and give him his pills, so I really couldn’t ask a friend to just stop by. The added bonus is that you get someone stopping by to grab mail, make sure pipes didn’t explode, etc.
I always feel bad leaving him behind, but my SO reminds me that he’s on “kitty time”, so he’s just catching up on his sleep.
Cali,
I’m so sorry for what you and your husband have been going through. That is an awful situation! I’m not sure how close your MIL lives or what the plans are but maybe you should ask your husband if it would be okay if he visited his family alone and then you and your husband could have a private holiday celebration before or after that time. I also agree with the poster that it would be good to explain that you want to set up new traditions since this is your first Christmas together. Best of luck with your decision!
Dawn, I was a cat/housesitter for several years. One cat I took care of is so shy that friends the client has had for ages have never seen him once. It took me several summers of her annual family vacations, playing with the other household cat and reading quietly while being non-threatening, but he grew to love me and I now miss getting to see him. A good catsitter can be an investment in your freedom to travel. His owner got to enjoy her vacations fully knowing he was happy and not anxious- I sent her a cellphone picture once of him sprawled out at my ankles and she was thrilled-and that made her more comfortable going on some really amazing trips. I agree with Sars that it is your call, not your parents, and if you think its going to be less stressful, you are probably right.
All I can say is, what is it with cats of that name? My mother has a cat named Emmy (close enough!) who behaves exactly that way, and even moreso. The few times my mother has gone away, she has friends come in to refill food and scoop litter. Everybody refers to Emmy as “(my mother’s) mythical cat”, because she is never actually SEEN by them.
I always use the catsitter solution, but I’m fortunate to have a couple of local friends who also have cats, so we all reciprocate cat-sitting.
Cali, I’m so sad that your inlaws are such a sorry mess. I agree with those who say don’t go to the whole-mess-gathering, stay at your own place (or a vacation spot) and establish your own traditions. If either or both of you are religious, this is a good time of year to get involved with, say, a Christmas pageant or service or party that your church might be having at exactly the same time. Otherwise, use the fact that you are newlyweds as your escape. It hurts, at first, but then your hubby may find it liberating. (I’ve been through the situation of having the in-laws answer our Christmas hello phone call with dead silence. Then they’d say we didn’t get any Christmas card from them because “their dog ate the address book”…two years in a row. After that, we wrote them off, and never looked back.)
Dawn, leave your kitty at home with the best sitter you can find. A cat would rather get a new owner/caregiver/sitter than a new home/kennel cage, any day. As long as there’s no serious medical issues that require constant monitoring, she’ll be fine, and very happy to see you when you come home again.
Count me with the catsitter chorus, Dawn. Another consideration there: Kennels require up-to-date vaccinations (rabies, distemper, FELV/FVRCP) that are often above and beyond what a 10-year-old cat might have; kenneling Emma could mean a few rounds of shots and the accompanying costs and potential side effects.
I like ‘stina‘s suggestion – do your own Christmas, and take the parents out to dinner.
I have to admit that my initial reaction though was ‘stomped his face in?! AND lied about it?! Run far, run fast.’ :(
As for the cat issue, I’ve done both with Benny, 9yrs old. I think he does prefer hanging in and having someone come over, although his limit for that seems to be three days (last trip, four days, he decided to climb on the counter, into the cabinet, and eat an ENTIRE bag of treats! Surprisingly, he did not have any, er, digestion issues as a result). I do board him at his vet for longer trips over the holidays. He hides when I take out his carrier, and he prowls all around the house for half a day when we get back, but he does ok and gets over it. Remember – they only have a walnut brain. All will be forgiven, and forgotten, soon enough.
Dawn, another vote for a cat-sitter here. My mom used to have a cat who was scared of everyone – I’d go stay with her for the Thanksgiving weekend and barely see the little guy – and the cat-sitter was able to draw him out. (I believe tuna was involved.)
We always get a cat-sitter when we go away, because we feel that our (indoor) cat would get stressed living away from home. With a sitter, she’s got her familiar environment and safe places to snooze in.
I vote cat sitter. My cat sounds just like Emma so I’ve encountered this problem before. Since my cat has never been a binge eater, it was always okay to go away for a day or two and leave enough food and water for her and she’d be fine. But now that she’s older and eats canned food (easier for older pets to digest), she has to be fed each day as opposed to just leaveing lots of dry food out for her. Instead of boarding her for trips now, I just ask a neighbor to drop in and feed her each day (and play with her if she comes out, which almost never happens). And she seems perfectly content with this arrangement. She gets to sleep on my bed every day, just like when I’m there, and she eats from her same bowl. No strange people, no strange surroundings, and no other animals and their noises/smells to disrupt her usual routine.
One other thought: I’m a bit surprised that Cali’s husband’s beating didn’t inspire anyone to contact law enforcement, beatings that savage being usually considered kind of criminal. If the beating happened in a bar, charges would have been brought. Was that ever considered? I wonder that the medical staff that treated him didn’t bring it up. Unless they did and it was rejected.
My blood boils a bit at the idea that a beating administered by a family member is somehow beyond the reach of the law.
I realize that’s not the question posed, however.
I’m with attica – I’m appalled that there were no legal repercussions for Cali’s BILBs. Even if Husband did throw the first punch, what they did to him goes way beyond self-defense. I’m wondering if Cali at least talked to a lawyer to see what their chances of a successful lawsuit would be… but then it seems like maybe Husband’s the type who wouldn’t want to sue family, or even family of family, no matter how horribly they treat him and deserve to be held accountable.
Dawn, cat sitter. All kenneling her will do is stress her. She will likely just express her distaste in other ways, and certainly won’t enjoy any “loves” she gets while there, because they aren’t “loves” she asked for or wanted. (Can you tell I’m an introverted person who is tired of people telling her that not wanting to be around people all the time is unnatural, and I should just “force myself” to do it because it’s “good for me”. ;-) )
I’m going to buck the trend. A cat-only kennel works best for us. My husband works from home, so there’s usually a human around all day. When we were out of town for a week, we hired a catsitter to come twice / day. My shy cats didn’t interact with her, and, while they were fed and litter was changed, the cats were essentially alone the whole time we were gone. They were pretty freaked when we got back.
We are very lucky that we have a “cat hotel” nearby that we now use while we are out of town. It’s a great situation — the cats can watch TV, have time in the kitty “common” area, and there is constant human companionship. And they don’t seem as freaked when we come home. I recognize that the “cat hotel” is unique, and we feel lucky to have it available.
Cali, I’ve gotta say I admire your restraint–I would only have gotten as far as “my HUSBAND’S face in a POOL OF BLOOD” and my theme music would have been “And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead” from there on out.
I am with everyone saying this is the perfect time to say that since your honeymoon was unfortunately cancelled *a-HEM* you’ve decided to take a delayed romantic trip together and enjoy some quiet time as a couple. Frankly, I’d put off dinner with the inlaws until January and the holiday madness is behind you.
And I think there’s another important reason for you and your husband to take off together: your husband needs to take a break from this toxic wrongness and see that it is possible to a)not do whatever it takes to keep a happy face on things and b)have some breathing space to process what went down.
I know he’s in therapy but the fact that he was beaten into a monthlong recovery and still will even consider being on the same coast as these people, let alone Play Pretend Happy for the holidays, says that no matter what he’s been through, he still falls back on the routine of deny deny deny to get through abuse. Not doing that this time, spending time with his wife, setting new, healthy traditions and boundries in place, and upping his therapy may be the chance he needs to realize there are ways of dealing with monsters that don’t involve capitulation.
And I’m with Attica too–how can this not have been reported? And frankly the secrets “Don’t tell Daddy!” routine seems bullshit–what he didn’t NOTICE his SON was in the hospital on a liquid diet for a MONTH? What the hell did he think happened? Seriously, the sickness here runs deep as a well.
In kennels, cats ore usually kept in a cage with their food, water, and litter box all together. Many cats will sleep in their litter box, which means that they don’t want to use it for its, um, intended purpose. Keep your cat at home and get a sitter.
Cat-sitter, absolutely. I used to cat-sit for a friend’s fairly anti-social cat, and once when he was going to be gone for a particularly long time, he decided that maybe kenneling her would be easier for everyone that time. She stopped eating from the stress, developed fatty liver syndrome, and ended up needing surgery to install a feeding tube. Some cats kennel well, some don’t. I would never take the chance if I had another option.
Dawn,
If you don’t already have a cat sitter in mind, check out http://www.petsit.com. You can search for professional, insured pet sitters in your area, and know that they’ve all been screened by Pet Sitters International.
Good excuse to escape Holidays with the in-laws from hell: spend them with your family instead (don’t really know if that’s an option here, but it’s an excellent excuse that avoids the problem all together this year at least). Man, that is one crazy/scary story. Get away from these people. Seriously. Also, buy some pepper spray. Good luck.
Easy question first: cat sitter. Miss Lily would punish us for days if we put her in a kennel: that smell is associated with the vet who is definitely not on her Christmas card list. Ask the sitter to sit and watch television for a 1/2 hour or so, just so there’s some noise in the apartment so kitty doesn’t feel abandoned completely.
More difficult situation: Sheesh. Maybe go away for the weekend and if people ask, you can say, “since we didn’t get to go on our honeymoon earlier” and leave it at that. And get some couples counseling on how to handle it in a healthy way together. I married into a family of complete nutjob alcoholics, and it isn’t easy to find compromise with people your loved one loves despite their glaring flaws and my inability to keep my mouth shut when around them.
Dawn,
One more vote for the sitter, we also have a ‘highly strung’ cat who sulks for days if we move the furniture around and jumps at any sort of noise including sneezes, laughter, etc. We used to have no other option than to book him & our other cat into a cattery and it was clear they both hated it, especially the nervous one who essentially went on hunger strike.
We’ve since moved and found a brilliant cat sitter who made it all seem like magic, sent us email and text updates and by the end of our holiday was posting photos of both cats happily snoozing away – they both even gained a little weight and I can’t imagine ever booking them into a cattery again!
Oh Cali,
What does your husband’s therapist have to say? If she is helping him process his childhood abuse, perhaps she can talk to him about why he is still willing to let such a horrific, violent event be swept under the rug. Would your husband let you go with him to therapy? I mean denying that you were savagely beaten and incapacitated for five weeks by so-called family members is a sign that your husband still believes he has to endure abuse (and participate in the cover-up) to maintain the illusion of a happy family. You know that, and he needs to hear it from a professional too. This chills me to the bone–your husband could have been killed (punctured lung or crushed trachea anyone?) and you both should stay away from his family during the holidays (though of course you can’t physically stop him).
Cali, I’m with Suz – this is something your husband should discuss with his therapist.
Maybe you could frame it with him this way: By acting like nothing is wrong, he’s sending the message that what happened is okay. If he’s willing to forgive, that’s one thing, but what’s to stop this from happening again?
Dawn – I just have a quick cat-sitting story to share with you. Last year I took care my neighbor’s cat for three weeks while they were away. This cat was always very aloof with me, but I’m…not much of a cat person, so I was like, “eh, whatever – I’m just here to make sure you don’t starve.” Let me tell you, by day four or five, that lonely cat was ALL OVER ME. My visits turned into hour-long cuddle and playtime sessions. So, your kitty may warm up to the sitter when she realizes it’s all she’s got for a while.
Cat sitter, absolutely! A number of years ago, I left my (at the time, unwilling to be seen in the company of strangers) cat in my apartment and paid for a cat-sitter to come by twice daily (once to scoop/feed, once to visit, if she could) and by the end, my cat was at least appearing in the same room. I also left worn clothing around for the smell, and lights/radio on for her. I think if you can find somebody to come over more than once a day, it is better, even if it is more expensive.
If you have a personal relationship with somebody who could cat-sit for you, even better, I think. I do it for a couple of friends/neighbors. I was happy enough with my cat-sitter (she did come for an interview – unpaid – first, which I’d recommend), but I think it is easier on a lot of levels if you really know the person taking care of your cat and coming into your home. I always make a point of seeing the cat(s) in question before I leave each time, for my own peace of mind, even if I have to look under furniture. Oh, whether you hire somebody or get somebody you know, make sure you leave your vet’s number in case something goes wrong, and make sure you tell the person taking care of your cat that you’ll reimburse them for medical expenses.
Dawn: I’d vote for the sitter if the cat isn’t really stranger friendly. Mine was super-skittish and every sitter that I ever had never saw her. Ever. The first sitter I got actually called me in a panic to make sure that I had really left the cat in the apartment. Fifteen minutes after I got home she emerged from under a five inch gap under the futon. I made sure to warn others after that. I can’t even imagine what kenneling would have done to her.
I’m with Jen S 1.0. You beat up my spouse/kid/sibling? PREPARE TO DIE. Seriously, if I were Cali and showed up at the same venue as these pathetic excrescences, manslaughter charges would be the most likely outcome.
It’s probably healthy that this is not Cali’s first reaction. However, I don’t think the ability to rein in her own violent tendencies should condemn her to spending the holidays with a bunch of brutal, pathological assholes. She can’t stop her husband from going, but she can certainly encourage him to (a) tell the unvarnished truth to his parents and (b) cut the sister loose if she is willing to defend abusive jerks like this.
“Only This” said what I was going to. For most (not all) cats, a kennel is a whole passel of new stresses; for unsocial cats, there’s no counteracting benefit except for a slightly higher degree of monitoring. (Being forced to socialize by having no way to escape … I don’t think that ever works, and also, ugh.)
The only exception I can think of is a pet that needs a lot of intervention, like shots, if you can’t get a sitter to handle it … and many kennels charge extra for that stuff, I think.
And I’m typing this from my friend’s condo, where I’m right this moment catsitting her three, who have realized four days in that I’m the one to come to if they want petting. Hee.
@Cali: Be honest with your husband. Tell him, up front, that while you love and support him, and you’d go through this whole thing again for him if you had to…you’d really, really rather not have to.
Seriously. The last time you went to a family gathering with these people, the aftermath required surgery and several months of convalesence. What’ll happen next time?
Cali, people are making really good points about the legitimacy of your wishes and some questions that are probably worth asking now. I’ll throw one more element into the mix: since it sounds like you and your husband are thinking about having children, you’re going to be making decisions together about what dangerous and crazy relative contact will be allowed. It may therefore not be a bad thing to point out that it’s not just what he’s willing to expose himself to, it’s what he’s willing to expose his family (including you, frankly, as well as any theoretical kids) to.
And since I’m not in your family, I don’t know or love your spouse, and what I think doesn’t matter? I’m kind of pissed at your husband. For instigating a fight, especially if he had any inkling that these people might do this; for being willing to risk laying your honeymoon to waste over the bad-mouthing of somebody who sounds like she probably earned it and to do so by breaking the law and committing assault, which could have easily gotten him hauled away by the cops and left him with a swell criminal record even if he hadn’t gotten his face bashed in. For caving when he knew better (it wasn’t “against his wishes,” it was what he chose); for prioritizing appeasing the toxicity of the family he’s separating from over supporting the sanity of the person he’s making his life with. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for the guy, he didn’t deserve what happened, and I understand it’s a difficult struggle to restructure your life when this is the architecture it’s been built on. But he’s been making choices that are leaving you to deal with shit you shouldn’t have to. And I guess that’s really also what worries me about spending time together with his family–his judgment isn’t trustworthy with them, and you’re stuck co-paying the price for that.
Cali – please, please, please, please hold off on having children until your husband has established healthy boundaries with his family. I am almost physicially ill from reading your story. Your husband’s BIL helped his brothers beat him savagely because he was TRYING TO DEFEND HIS WIFE and that then the wife blamed her defender? And the mom then pretends everything is OK and even though she abused your husband when he was a kid, he loves her so much he can’t go against her? This is really sad. I hope he can get some distance and I really, really hope you two stay away from the family for at least this holiday season. I don’t really have any advice, except that I exhort you to recognize that this whole situation is deeply sick.
Dawn, I boarded my cats away from home once and it was a disaster. It wasn’t a kennel, it was a friend’s house and said friend had to leave town and go camping for a night so he could sleep because the cats cried constantly from the time I dropped them off until I picked them up. That was when I realized that cats attach to place as well as people and are much better off when they can at least have the comforts of home. I have the neighbor kid come feed them and play with them and it works out fine and helps me support my local teenager.
Cali, one more thing. If you maintain your boundaries your new family might hate you. Dysfunctional people often resent those who don’t help prop up their house of cards. But you know what? No good has ever come from putting the desire to please crazy people ahead of your own well-being and self-interest.
Cali, I am so sorry for what you and your husband have been through, and the confusing place you are now. Abuse within a family, of any kind, becomes a family disease. Your husband coped as best he could to survive – and he is still doing that. He needs to escape,ASAP, and while a geographical solution ( moving) is not the perfect solution, it is a step that can free him up for other solutions, and healthier growth. Since no one wants to tell the FIL, that may be because that is where the really bad abuse comes from, or originated way back when – and no one wants him upset. Cali, I think that the sooner you start seeing a therapist to learn about abuse, and how to deal with the pressures of this family, the better for you and your husband.
Cali,
I say stay as far away from these people as possible.
So many things about your story scare me. Especially the bit you say that MIL knows what happened but they don’t want FIL to know. That just sounds like more violence in the offing.
It also worries me that your husband threw the first punch. While I get that he was defending his sister, it is still no excuse for violence. I am glad to hear that he is now seeing a therapist but this incident shows that he still has a long way to go in processing his childhood. I agree with those who say you need to let him sort himself out before you even think of children.
So again stay away at Christmas, go to your mom’s or book a belated honeymoon but let the situation calm down and do not let these people use emotional blackmail on you or your husband. And if you think your husband will not respect your views on staying away? That’s another alarm bell right there.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
I didn’t comment on Cali’s situation earlier because I was still processing it — wow.
The trouble for any comment I (or really, a lot of us here) might make is that if we aren’t in that kind of situation, we literally can’t imagine it. So what seems like “simple” solutions to us, or clear-cut decisions, aren’t, when you’re stuck inside. But perhaps the advantage for Cali of reading the comments *is* to get that outside view, when she’s stuck on the inside of an upside-down world.
I want to echo a few things that others have said. “We’re starting our own Christmas tradition for ourselves as a family… but we’d love to take Mom and Dad out to dinner” could fly. It certainly worked well for me. But I recognize how lucky I am to have drawn certain lines with my family, and that they have respected those lines. (And for me, it wasn’t “am avoiding them because they’re toxic”, I actually just lived far enough away that it was a pain in the ass to travel… and I preferred to spend a holiday with my s.o. than family.) The problem with this “solution” is that it still can take a will of iron to enforce with a family that has boundary issues, as it sounds like Cali’s in-laws do — and Cali and her husband still have to be on the same page about it.
The thing that strikes me is that Cali talks about her husband being in therapy to deal with his own issues prior to them having any children. That’s good. But… have they also talked in a serious way about, “your family is abusive” (going by this story, that definitely belongs in the present tense!) “and we are NOT exposing our children to them”? It’s important to ensure that the cycle of abuse is not continued by Cali’s husband, but it’s also going to be important to draw the line about not letting the in-law family abuse the grandchildren, too.
It seems only natural to me that this talk would have to take place… but I’m not assuming at this point that it *has* yet. However, this may be the perfect time for it. What happened to Husband is an up-to-date illustration of what the family is capable of doing to others in the family. If you ever expect to have children and keep them safe, better start drawing those lines NOW. And I don’t know if he’ll “hear” that, but you can at least try. (I’m kind of with others here in feeling some anger at Husband, who sounds so under his family’s control that he is willing to give them precedence over the feelings and wants and needs of his wife. And if he’s willing to do that, then I’m not sure that “think of our future children” is an argument that will work with him.)
If it was me? I would WELCOME the idea that drawing the line with that family right now might cause them to cut me and my spouse off. At this point, that would be exactly what I wanted, although the point would be that I was cutting them off, dead, first.
Good luck, Cali. :(
@Alison C and Jane – I think the writer made it clear that her husband not only didn’t throw the first punch, but is physically incapable of doing so. The “he started it” story came from the BIL and is total BS (as long as we are accepting Cali’s version of events at face value).
From the original letter: “Husband said he did hit BILB#1 first.”
Cali,
I agree with so much that has been said before:
a) These people (even MIL!) will not like you for maintaining your boundaries, but you need to do so for your own sanity
b) Bringing kids into this situation — as it stands now — isn’t a great idea if Husband is unwilling or unable to keep them safe from his family. (If he can’t keep himself safe…)
c) Helping Husband learn how to stop the cycle of abuse and denial will be hard, but necessary.
My own husband was brought up in this kind of a family (well, different, but similar). A relative of his beat him up *as an infant,* and the family didn’t press charges or retaliate in any way because the notion was to deny, deny, deny. His family doesn’t understand to this day why he maintains such strict boundaries with them, but it’s what we’ve got to do to maintain our family and keep our kids safe. We get tons of grief and guilt, but it’s completely worth it. Polite and distant is the way to go — with an emphasis on “distant.” We’re also working together to help him learn healthy ways to discipline our kids that don’t rely on emotional abuse. (He wants to avoid being abusive — we’ve ruled out physical punishments altogether, but sometimes he doesn’t realize that the tactics his mom used are NOT normal, but are in fact quite abusive. Kudos to him for actively seeking new patterns of behavior!)
Following up on Jane’s comments to Cali: you and your husband need to have a long discussion (probably many long discussions and maybe with the aid of his therapist) regarding not just this holiday season, but how you’re going to deal with his family in general, whether or not you intend to expose any future kids to his family and in what way, and how you’re going to deal with this long term. Your husband has to decide the conditions upon which he’ll have a relationship with these dangerous family members — and you also have to decide under what circumstances you’ll have a relationship with them. I know that you’re worried about your reaction and what they might do to your husband and that’s really where your concerns are, but as far as I can tell, these people are flat out dangerous and you have a right to decide whether you want to deal with them at all, regardless of whether husband does.
I speak from experience here. My FIL was bi-polar and refused to take his medications. He could be a wonderful funny person for weeks on end, but, when he was on a downward spiral, he was dangerous to everyone around (my FIL and MIL were divorced — my MIL had a restraining order out against him for beating the crap out of her on her front porch. He also attacked her house with a molotov cocktail on one occasion, and did other damage to her house and yard. My FIL’s sister (my husband’s aunt) had a restraining order out against him for threatening her with a gun). Luckily, my husband recognized his dad for what he was. Early in our marriage, before we had kids, something happened, and I turned to my husband and said “you realize that your dad will never be allowed to be alone with our children, right?” To which my husband responded “oh yeah, I’d never let that happen.” As it turns out, right after our daughter was born in 2004, after a series of bad acts by my FIL, my husband made the decision to cut his father out of his life unless and until his father could meet certain basic demands (apologize to husband for his behavior, remain on his meds and permit his girlfriend to manage the meds so we could be sure he was on them). FIL refused, FIL never met either of our kids, and they never spoke again — even when, in 2009, FIL died after a month in the hospital (he was physically ill and refused to take his medications or follow his doctor’s advice — sense a pattern?). Anyway, I was always worried that my husband would have huge regrets about ending his relationship with his father, but he said that after all was said and done, he knew that he made the right choice and that really, his father was the one who had chosen not to have a relationship with him but not agreeing to husband’s reasonable demands. FIL basically blamed me for the entire rift, telling everyone that I forced husband to cut him off — it was easier for him to blame me than to blame himself. Frankly, I just didn’t care what anyone thought of me as long as my husband and kids were emotionally and physically safe (plus husband very vocally defended me).
I know that was a long story about myself, but I wanted to show that I understand completely how difficult this can be. I dealt with FIL for 5 years before my husband cut him off (and I feared that he’d just show up and do something dangerous even afterwards). I had lots of discussions with husband about whether he was sure about his decision because you only get one father. He had lots of doubts over the years too, because, well, you only get one father. But, he talked it through and knew that he had to do what was best for him and his family. Your husband needs to realize that he has the chance right now to make his own family with you — a family with no abuse, no secrets, no lies, no fear. A family that supports rather than breaks down. Cali, you sound like a loving, supportive wife who only has his best interests at heart. You and he need to sit down and calmly discuss where to go from here (and, again, it seems like his therapist would be helpful here). But before you do that even, I think that you need to sit down and decide under what circumstances you’re willing to have a relationship with his family and what the extent of that relationship will be. While I understand that you want and need to support him, you need to decide what your boundaries are here (I didn’t like FIL, but was never really concerned about him until I was pregnant; then I was filled with fear regarding how we were going to deal with him). Good luck.
One more vote for the cat sitter. My shy guy almost went catatonic the last time I took him to the vet–he was scared out of his little kitty mind. (He only revived when the vet staff left the room and I held him in my arms to reassure him.) I’ve had someone come by to feed him and my other cats when I travel, and even though he normally hides from visitors, by day three he’s right out there checking out the litter box cleaning and getting his food.
So, no need to stress your Emma out more than she already is. Rather than changing her entire environment, make your absence the main change in her life, and she should be fine.
“No good has ever come from putting the desire to please crazy people ahead of your own well-being and self-interest.”
A-effing-MEN. Can I get a witness? Cali, write this down and paste it on a mirror where you can see it every day. You and your husband deserve lives free of placating the never satisfied and unpredictably dangerous.
Doh! I was going off Of course later I find out that version of events and everything else they were saying was a total lie… and can’t lift his arms above his shoulders handicapped. I totally missed that he hit first, and I have to say that turns the story around for me here – obviously what the in-laws did was heinous and wrong, but Cali’s husband is not just a victim of violence and abuse, he is violent himself. So regarding Cali’s safety and the safety of any future children, the issues that need to be resolved aren’t just boundary issues regarding the toxic in-laws, they are physical safety issues around Cali’s husband, who comes from an abusive family (and therefore is at a high risk of becoming abusive himself) and has a known history of using violence to try to solve problems.
@Jen S. 1.0, thanks! I learned this the hard way, but now that I know it, my life is my own, and it goes so much better than it did back when I couldn’t say no to the crazies in my world.
Cali, I too didn’t completely process that Husband threw the first punch. That changes my advice only in that it adds to it – before you have kids, hubby needs unlearn the tendency to address disagreements with violence or your kids (and probably you) will pay.
Did anyone see today’s Dear Prudence? The first LW’s MIL has had 20 traffic accidents but the LW is so afraid to displease her that she lets her drive her toddler around. Same dynamic, with the potential for a tragic result. http://www.slate.com/id/2276212/