The Vine: December 1, 2010
Dear Sars,
I have a very confusing in-law situation going on right now that I am not sure what to do about, and everyone I have asked for advice has just kind of shaken their head at me and given me a “you are so screwed” face.
Earlier in the summer, I married the love of my life and my best friend. He comes from a fairly abusive home, yet he and his siblings have never confronted their parents about any of the emotional/physical abuse (of which both parents were perpetrators, and there were also pretty serious issues between the parents), and all the kids and parents act like they are a typical, happy, lovey family. My husband is in counseling now to try and wade through all of it before we start our own family, and has somehow emerged as a kind, sensitive, gentle man.
Husband has two brothers I love, plus one sister, who is married with two adorable kids. SIL lives nearby to us and we have socialized with them quite a bit. When I first met SIL, Husband let me know she has (literally) no friends and asked me to befriend her. Although she and I have very little in common, I made an effort to become friends with her.
I learned that we would probably never be friend-friends, but saw good qualities in her and felt like we were on the road to being good sisters-in-law, and I included her in the wedding party after she told me how hurt she was at not being included in any other family weddings. Throughout the course of pre-wedding and wedding activities, it because clear to me that she is pretty insecure and she pulled some passive-aggressive nonsense with me, which I ignored across the board, because I know she has been through a lot and sometimes doesn’t seem to “get” social cues.
Fast forward to about a month after the wedding. We go to a party at SIL’s house, where she and her husband are hosting pre-and post-parties for a local wine festival. A few of Husband’s and their friends are there, as are her husband’s (Brother-in-Law’s) brothers and sister. She has a strained past with the brothers, and has complained time after time about how BIL’s sibs have treated her…alleging affairs, cursing at her, etc. However, on the surface, they all act like they are cool with each other.
We all act fake-nice, go to the festival, and return. Many people (basically everyone but me and SIL) are very intoxicated. Eventually, it is just us and the BILs. BIL’s Brother #1, randomly, starts talking crap to the entire group about SIL, while we are all standing in her backyard. Pretty much just “what a stupid bitch, ha ha ha, I can’t believe what a blankety blank she is,” etc. It was so weird and uncomfortable.
I saw Husband getting upset, and took him inside to try to defuse him. He said that he was going to say something to BILB, and I tried to talk him out of it, especially in light of the booze, but also because #1, it is SIL’s place, or alternately, BIL’s place to stand up for her, and #2, I was afraid it would escalate.
Add to this that Husband is handicapped because of a terrible car crash when he was 25. I am talking chemically induced coma, 60-plus surgeries, can’t lift his arms above his shoulders handicapped. He looks strong and healthy, but he is actually quite fragile. Although I know he got into his share of fistfights with his own brothers over the years, as an adult he is not a violent person at ALL, but I do not know BIL’s family well enough to know how testosterone and alcohol affect them.
Husband still asks to walk with BILB#1 when he leaves, and BILB#2 joins them. SIL sees this going in a bad direction, and orders BIL to accompany them and make sure nothing escalates. After approximately two minutes I get nervous and follow them. When I arrive, Husband is lying limp on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, BIL standing next to him, and BILBs are gone.
Sars, it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced. BIL immediately starts blaming Husband, saying the blood isn’t his, he hit BILB#1 first, etc. He tells me that if I call the police, Husband will be the one to get in trouble. In hindsight, I got steamrolled by SIL and BIL in my state of shock, and we drive him to the hospital ourselves. They tell me that Husband is violent, needs help, etc. I am confused, terrified, and basically just focusing on making sure he is okay.
Of course later I find out that version of events and everything else they were saying was a total lie. We find out he has broken ribs and his eye socket has been fractured. Basically, his face was stomped in, the right side of his face is crushed, and emergency surgery is required. It was an awful situation, which resulted in us having to cancel our (amazing!) honeymoon because he was not allowed to leave the country, a huge financial strain because he could not work for five weeks, and a huge emotional strain because of the situation itself, having to tell my family and our friends what happened, etc.
So: everyone was wrong. Husband said he did hit BILB#1 first. However, BIL and both BILBs are well aware of Husband’s physical condition. And regardless of his handicap, it was a 2-on-1 fight with BIL holding my husband’s arms back while they beat him. It was not a fistfight, it was, in my mind, a savage beating.
Following the incident, SIL started calling me and Husband nonstop telling us that we weren’t allowed at their home, he needed to apologize to BILB#1 immediately, and begging us not to tell anyone in their family, since they “hate her husband already.” Against his wishes, Husband honored her request, only to find out later that she had called their mom and brothers and told them a hugely fabricated version of events.
At this point, I cut off contact with her altogether, and Husband did the same. We have not spoken since, although she has texted several times…never asking how he is, just trying to guilt him into seeing his nieces. Neither of us has replied to any of her messages. Add to all of this fuckery that MIL has decided that FIL must not know, and as far as I know, no one has told him.
So. The holidays are coming up. MIL, in classic codependent style, is actually trying to make plans for us all to get together as if none of this ever happened, and Husband loves MIL so much, I know he will want to accommodate her wishes. I want to support Husband, but I am not sure that my boundaries will allow me to socialize with SIL and BIL. I am so so so so so angry with them for how they handled the situation and even more so for what happened afterwards (believe it or not, I gave you the edited version). And I know that I have no intention of lying to FIL if anything related to any of this comes up.
What the heck do I do? I don’t want my new “family” to hate me (BIL/SIL excluded, who I could care less about), and despite their issues, I have good relationships with all of them. I definitely don’t want to hurt Husband. But I don’t want to betray my own need for healthy boundaries either. And, quite frankly, I am wondering how I will get through half an hour of chit-chat without someone asking me how Europe was and me replying that I have no idea because I spent the month of August feeding Husband a liquid diet and filling his prescriptions.
My mother told me we should move to California
Dear Cali,
The first thing to do is to get on the same page with Husband about the whole situation. Explain to him that, you know, you understand that this is his family and that you don’t want to tell him how to do — but you can’t, and won’t, spend social time with SIL and her husband unless and until 1) some kind of apology, or at least acknowledgment that the situation is not entirely the fault of your household, is forthcoming and 2) any lies told about it to Husband’s family at your-all’s expense are retracted. Remind him that, as you’ve said, you spent the month of August feeding him a liquid diet and filling his prescriptions, and you’d happily do it again because you love him, but what you won’t do is pretend it didn’t happen, and anyone who’s set on that course of action can drink a pint of bees as far as you’re concerned.
See what he says. Listen. Try not to get angry all over again, and to keep in mind that you have two stories here: 1) these people wronged your husband; 2) your husband loves these people anyway. It’s difficult when a romantic partner has relatives who behave unacceptably and then he accepts the behavior and fails to follow through with consequences, but you have to remind yourself that it’s not as cut and dried for him as it is for you (and that, in this case, based on what you’ve said about his childhood, this kind of abuse and denial is…well, not “his comfort zone” exactly, but sort of, in that it’s familiar, his version of terra firma).
Work together on trying to establish joint boundaries for the situation, and stay flexible where you can — i.e., you really can’t face them this year, but things could change by the 2011 holidays, you don’t want to write off the whole family, etc. Talk about whether he’d feel comfortable with you calling the family members you do like, or reaching out in some other friendly way that makes it clear you want a relationship with them but doesn’t force them to pick sides. (“Sorry we won’t get to see you this Christmas” is fine; adding a “…but it’s all SIL’s fault,” no good.)
But if you can’t bring yourself to pretend nothing happened, don’t. Your husband may decide to do something different, and I know how maddening that might feel, but you have to draw your own line without judging where he puts his, and let him figure it out for himself.
Dear Sars,
I’m going on a two-week vacation in January, and I’d love to hear you and your readers weigh in on the cat-sitter v. kennel debate.
My 10-year-old cat Emma is a shy, sweet girl who is extremely wary of strangers. She runs under the bed if anyone new comes into the apartment. If the same person starts visiting regularly, she will eventually venture out, but she will dart back under the bed or into the closet if the guest makes any sudden movements or loud noises.
In the past, my parents have always taken care of her when I have travelled — if it’s a short trip, they visit her at my place daily, and I take her to their place if I am going to be away for a week or more. Emma has lived with my parents, and she’s comfortable with them. This trip is different, because I’m going with my parents. (They are taking my sister and me to Hawaii for their 40th anniversary. Awesome, no?)
My parents feel she should be at a kennel of some sort, because she will get more attention, but I don’t know if it’s attention she would welcome. I tend to think that she would be more comfortable on her own turf, with her familiar hiding places. I could have a sitter come in daily to feed her, scoop the litter, and make sure she is still alive. The sitter would play with Em too if Em were willing, but I wouldn’t expect that to happen. Either way, there is going to be at least one stranger around, and it seems to me that it would be less stressful to have to deal with that in a familiar setting.
My parents think she would be more likely to come around to the playing or even cuddling with a stranger in a kennel, because she won’t have really anywhere to hide, but I just think she’d be happier just hiding.
I’m giving my parents a stake in this is that she is really their cat, too. I moved back home with Emma about 9 years ago, after I broke up with the boyfriend I had been living with. I stayed nearly two years — I went back to college, then got a good job before moving out, and in that time, they became quite attached to the cat. Then a few years ago, I was having landlord/maintenance issues in my apartment and my mom was diagnosed with cancer, so Emma and I came home again, for about 18 months this time. Emma and I have been back in our own apartment for more than two years now.
So what do you think?
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
It’s nice of you to give your parents a vote, but I think a “possession is nine tenths of the law” approach is in effect here. Emma lives with you right now; she’s lived with you for the majority of her life; it’s you who takes her to the vet and buys her food, and it’s you who will pay for whatever cat-care solution you decide on.
Most cats would rather stay home, particularly ones who aren’t “only” cats and won’t get lonely, but it’s eminently possible to get a sitter who will literally sit with the cat for an hour or two and read a magazine or whatever. The last cat-sitter I hired would come for an hour twice a day, feed and play with the cats, and leave detailed (and adorably hilarious) notes about each session: what toys she used, the consistency of the poops, on and on.
Hobey and Little Joe also do fine in a kennel environment if it’s necessary — they can share a cage, and they like the attention — and neither of your options is likely to traumatize Emma permanently, but the easiest choice, net, is to find a hands-on sitter and not disrupt her. If your parents question the decision, tell them you appreciate their input, but you’ve already crossed it off your list — and if it doesn’t work out, you’re happy to let them subsidize a kennel stay for next time.
Tags: cats the fam
FWIW — although I, too, processed that Husband hit BILB#1 first… we just do not know anything else about what went down to start things there. Some folks will say that there is never any excuse for throwing a punch first. Others may be able to envision an argument over insulting a woman who is a friend, in her own house, in which the insulter (BILB#1) just continues to say things (perhaps about Cali, in the bargain) that caused Husband to respond with a punch.
That is not necessarily the same thing as saying that Husband is generally the sort of man to see violence as a means to solve problems.
I’m not refuting the idea that someone who comes from the kind of abusive situation that he does may become prone to being abusive towards his own children; I brought that up in my earlier response in relation to the fact that it’s one of the things he’s likely in therapy for, towards the goal of he and Cali having a healthy family environment in which to raise their own children. (Husband’s got stuff to work on, for sure.)
I’m just saying that, while I think it was stupid of Husband to go into that situation and, perhaps, allow himself to be goaded into getting physical in the argument… I find it a lot easier to believe that the three brothers who would hold down a handicapped guy and stomp on his face are also the sort to calculatedly goad him into giving them a reason to do it.
Something else to keep in mind with that situation — we’ve talked about how Husband’s and SIL’s family is abusive. Let’s take a moment to remember that BIL and BIL’s Bs are an additional family, apparently just as screwed up in other ways. So Cali is really dealing with two intersecting toxic family situations, here. (But let’s also remember that the BIL’s and BILBs’ obvious tendency to resort to violence does not necessarily proceed from the same family history that Husband’s family has and that Husband was raised in.)
* Sorry: a sentence in my first paragraph above should have read, “insulting one’s own sister, in her own house”. The SIL is Husband’s sister, and Cali’s “friend”.
Original poster of the crazy family letter here. First, I just want to say a huge HUGE thank you for all of the kind words and support. I was really hoping this letter would be answered in the vine because I always think there is a wonderfully intelligent and fair-minded readership. I wanted to clear up a few points you all raised and update you, since things are now in a somewhat happier place, at least for me. One, yes, my husband threw the first punch. He did not really injure the punch-ee, but I was *furious* at him. We talked it out and he scheduled his first counseling session within the week. He knows it was wrong and I believe he sincerely regrets what he did. I have never seen him act out in anger, but I know he was in plenty of fights when he was younger. When we got to the point of talking about kids, we both decided that it would be best for him to start therapy because the after effects of a violent childhood are so long reaching, and can be so deeply repressed. He is extremely resilient, but we wanted him to work through any underlying anger or hurt way before we have kids. So he was on board already, and following the melee, he made an appointment.
After I wrote my letter a few things changed. #1, he eventually told his mother that he was telling his dad what happened, because he has no plans of being around SIL and BIL anytime soon and knew he would wonder where we were. It turns out MIL told FIL long ago and been dishonest about that. Who knows why. So we went and spoke to MIL/FIL anyway, and he let them know that he was not planning on being near his sister until she met a few conditions really similar to those suggested by you guys- a.k.a. apologize for over-involving him to begin with, for all the crazy things she said, and be honest about what went down, since their version of events would leave anyone puzzled about why we wouldn’t want to be around them. He let SIL know as well, and she flipped out. The week leading up to Thanksgiving was unpleasant, as MIL and FIL were extremely angry that Husband didn’t just spontaneously decide to come to their home, and SIL and MIL both called him repeatedly to urge him to reconsider. Strongly and not in a friendly way…more like “hang out with us or else,” plus lots of yelling and crying. Both MIL and FIL said things to him that were insulting and unfair, and generally flipped out. I was really proud of how he stuck to the boundary he had set. While this was obviously sad for him, I think he feels good about saying he won’t be a part of that dynamic anymore. I guess the bottom line is that I should have trusted that he would come to his senses eventually, without any input on my part needed. I am going to save all the wonderful advice from Sars and the vine peeps to read ad re-read, however, because as someone wisely pointed out, we will probably have to have many conversations over time about what our individual and shared boundaries are going to be. Oh and we are going on a much-needed vacation (without cell service) in 26 days.
Andrea- I really appreciate you sharing that- your experience with your FIL is terrifying, but I am glad to hear a story from someone who did cut ties with a toxic parent and came out happy on the other side.
And now I am off to tape “No good has ever come from putting the desire to please crazy people ahead of your own well-being and self-interest” on my mirror. SO true.
Cali, it sounds like you guys are doing a good job at working at something very difficult. And I think your husband is fortunate to have you, and it speaks well for him that he picked you :-).
Cat sitter, definitely! Our sitter is so awesome. She stays with the cats for 30 minutes per day, and goes above and beyond by sending us emails (with photos!) and detailed descriptions about what the cats are up to. We love the fact that they don’t have to get stressed out by being in a strange environment with lots of other cats.
@Cali, aw, I’m so flattered that you are going to put my phrase on your mirror. Since you said you are encouraged by stories of others who have cut ties with toxic parents and been better for it, I will share that I cut ties with my crazy, sociopathic, abusive father when I was in my mid-twenties. It was very painful, but it was a short term pain for long term gain as it allowed me to go on to a functional life (which has included a lot of therapy). I’m a pretty happy person now and have formed family-like relationships with some wonderful friends.
The siblings who never cut ties are not well. One is functional but so full of self hatred that it seems to roll off him in waves. The other is not functional; he is an addict and is always on the brink of homelessness. So, anecdotal, but when you put up a boundary against dysfunction it frees up a lot of time and energy that can then be applied to building a functional life.
I wish you and hubby (and your future kids) all the best.
Cat sitter! I’ve had the situation (with our little Boston Terrier) and, while kennels can be fine and fun, we had an unfortunate time with ours when she boarded at the kennel run by our vet. Long story. Short version is: I vote with the landslide winner, “cat sitter.”
Cali… I’m so glad you wrote to give the update. It sounds like you two are caring for each other and communicating well. That’s great.
I had a (somewhat) similar experience, and to my mind, once someone will abuse you, that negates any “family bond.” Like, I appreciate the pains someone took to raise me/contribute to my upbringing — but now that everyone is a grown adult, you don’t get a free pass to act like an asshole just because of DNA. I would not put up with that from a stranger — and family should treat you BETTER than a stranger.
Your husband is lucky that you have come into his life, to show him another way of being. It’s hard to remember that many people just literally don’t KNOW another way of existing with each other. It can be depressing, infuriating… but it sounds like you’re on the right track to make sense of it together. The best of luck to you.
A couple of perspectives on the kennel vs. cat sitter debate, since I have done both. For most cats and most situations, I think a cat sitter works out best — kitties like their home turf. But if your kitty has complicated health issues (special diet, shots, kidney disease, feline diabetes, etc.) then I’d advise a kennel as they have more expertise in these areas and usually direct contact with a vet if the kitty needs it.
I have two cats who are on a kidney disease maintenance diet — they must be fed twice a day, and one wolfs his food in seconds while the other is shy and takes his time. Fortunately I have a couple of friends who can split the kitty-sitting duties. But there may come the day when their feeding gets more complicated, or one of them needs medications or whatever. At that point I’ll probably switch to a cat-only kennel arrangement. The one I used once before (when I had only one kitty but was going to be gone for two weeks) had nice rooms, a large play area, etc. — and was part of a vet practice. So they do exist, and they are not all evil. I will advise you to avoid any kennel that also does dog boarding however. It gets pretty loud with all the pups, even if they’re in a separate area.
You know, if my husband’s family was that effed up and I spent a month nursing him back to health after they beat the shit out of him AND covered it up AND blamed him for it AND he still wanted to maintain any kind of contact with them after this shit happened? What?
I would leave him. I would straight up leave him.
What kind of message is he sending you, his wife? These people almost killed him and then (pretty successfully) tried to cover up their involvement. By not cutting off all contact with the people who are still perpetuating the bullshit cover up (including his own mother), he’s saying “I want my wife to continue to be repeatedly exposed to violent and dangerous people.”
I don’t care how much you love him, you have to love your future children more. You cannot bring children into this flaming tornado of bullshit.
Cali, I am so glad to hear some progress in your situation! Abuse is an amazing nightmare to recover from, and your hubby deserves a lot of credit for setting boundaries and keeping them in spite of the fallout.
One thing you said rang my bell though: “I guess the bottom line is that I should have trusted that he would come to his senses eventually, without any input on my part needed.” Please, don’t EVER trust that! Not because your husband is untrustworthy, but because he’s just learning to negotiate a world he’s never lived in before. You’re a native of sane, not-abusive living. He is a new arrival, plus there’s a lot of important people trying to stop him from going there at all! You’re the first best example of sanity he has, so please don’t ever assume he knows what that looks like in a given situation. He can let you know if he’s already aware, or the therapist beat you to it. You should be seeing the therapist too, because this is much bigger than either of you can handle alone.
It also sounds like you a gem of a wife. Never forget how much your truthfulness, kindness, and devotion serves to unravel all that has gone before.
Oh, and afurrica? I am totally taping “flaming tornado of bullshit” on MY bathroom mirror, becasue that is the most awesome word picture I have heard all year.
Affurica – I was thinking exactly the same thing. The situation as describes goes well over “I love him and will support him as he recovers from his miserable childhood” and well into “I want a future that includes having children and that means not having obscenely violent people in my life, and I am sorry but I don’t think I can have that with you.”
I am really glad to read Cali’s update, since it sounds like he might be up for that project after all. But holy shit, he would still be on probation as far as I am concerned.
Though I guess that depends on how old you are and how long you are happy to wait to start a family together.