Dear Sars’s Dad —

I need to pay off some credit debt, and was considering taking some of the money out of my 401k to do it.I realize this will incur a penalty, but the market has been doing so badly this last year, I’m figuring I’d rather do something useful with the money than watch it trickle away.I’m in my mid-thirties, so I figure I’ll have a little time to make up the difference before I retire.Another option would be to take out a home equity credit loan so that I could write off the interest, but I’m concerned that if I move in the not-so-distant future, I’ll have lost a good chunk of my down payment by doing that.

What do you think?

Thanks,
Afraid to ask my own father

Dear Afraid,

With interest rates as low as you’ll ever see, you should definitely take the home equity loan (probably 4% interest or so and deductible) to get rid of the credit card load at 8-12% raw.I wouldn’t worry about down payment problems; these days there are plenty of lenders who will package up 100-150%-of-value home loan packages (a combo of mortgage and home equity) if you have a job that can support the payments.

Re: 401K results — it’s always darkest before dawn; I’m guessing you’re doing better this year and there’s not much better way of building up a goodly pile than forced savings like that.Stay with it.

Dad

Hi Sars,

I have a question of the feline variety
that I hope you can help me with. My fiancé and I are moving back east to
our hometown this summer. We will be living at our respective parents’ houses
for a month until we can get an apartment. The problem is our one-year-old
kitty, Luna. Both of our parents have a cat and we’re not sure which house
would be best for Luna to live in during this transition period. I’ll give
you some cat background info:

Luna: Our one-year-old tortie who loves lap-napping and being petted. She is half
Siamese and has the constant talking/yowling of her Siamese roots. She has
her claws and is an indoor cat (though we have been taking her outside on a
leash lately). She gets along pretty well with other animals (cats and dogs)
though she is an only child.

Chloe: My parents’ ten-year-old cat. She is also a tortie and loves to talk, so
she’s kinda similar to Luna. She’s an indoor/outdoor cat who is declawed up
front. She’s pretty easygoing but she’s been the only pet in the house all
of her life. She may not take kindly to my little intruder. We also worry
about her lack of claws.

Lucy: My fiancé’s parents’ cat. She’s an eight-year-old tabby with all her claws.
She’s an indoor/outdoor cat and an avid hunter. She had a companion cat for
many years who passed away about two years ago. She is more aggressive than
Chloe and that concerns us.

So there are the cat personalities we have to work with. Any advice? We
think Luna will adjust to her new friend fairly well, but Chloe and Lucy are
older and more set in their ways. I hope with your cat experience you may be
able to offer a more knowledgable opinion that either of us have been able
to come up with.

Thanks!
Luna’s Mom

Dear Mom,

It seems like a toss-up; I really can’t decide which one I’d pick.With that said, I’m leaning towards Lucy, just because both Lucy and Luna have claws, and that seems like a more even match to me, should they start scuffling.Also, Lucy has lived with another cat before, and while you say she’s aggressive, she may not enact that on Luna.

Ask your fiancÉ’s parents how Lucy got along with the other cat; if they fought a lot and Lucy started those fights, maybe Chloe is the better call, but I’d go with Lucy.

It’s nearly impossible to establish this without three
pages of back story, but “Lee” is someone who used to be
an old friend of mine, who has completely convinced me
that she’s slid off the deep end after years of
emotional abuse from her parents. “S” is a girl who I’ve
dated for a little while, that Lee is obsessed with. S
is also clinically depressed, can be very whiny over
anything, and may or may not still be smoking pot
after I told her I didn’t approve and she said she
stopped.

When Lee was calling S every few minutes because S had
left Lee’s house a few minutes early to go with me to
a concert for my birthday, I remarked that it sounded
like Lee was being passive-aggressive. S had left
Lee’s house less than an hour early, after spending
more than 24 hours with her, to go somewhere with me
for my birthday. Lee pulled the “oh yes, you
should go, have a good time, I don’t mind being
abandoned at all, just because everyone does it, but
you two go, have a good time, I promise I’m fine with
it,” then called as soon as she was out the door: “How
could you abandon me like that?” So I mentioned to S
that the action in question was passive-aggressive.

The next day, I get an IM from Lee asking why I
thought she was passive-aggressive and manipulative
and childish and an awful no-good person, because S
has said I said all those things. I said that I didn’t
like S spreading rumors behind my back. But I
explicitly said not to tell S of this conversation,
because I needed to discuss this with her on my own.
Yes, I specifically said, “Don’t tell S any of this
conversation, because it would be a really shitty
thing to do,” and she swore up and down to me that she
wouldn’t tell.

Guess who wakes me up with a phone call that how could
I accuse her of spreading rumors and didn’t I love her
anymore and how could I say all those horrible things?
Yup, me.I got mad, explained I hated tattletale
games, she could call me back in a few weeks. Then I
hung up the phone and have blocked contact from either
of them until the specified time is up. I then come to
find out that they’ve been spreading nasty rumors
about me to all of my sister’s friends, and who knows
who else, months and months before this happened.

Now the question comes: they’re acting childish and
shitty towards me, I know that. I’d like nothing
better than to break it off with both of them,
romantically and friendship-wise. When I’ve discussed
this with a few people I trust, such as my sister,
I’ve received varying answers — “break it off with
both of them,” “S is no good and is just working to make
Lee worse so stay friends with Lee and tell S to take
a hike,” “Lee is the one playing mind games so break it
off with her but keep S,” and so on. So what do I do?

I’d feel bad if Lee managed to carry through with one
of her suicide attempts, but she doesn’t want me
around, and you can’t force yourself in on this. Lee
is 18 — is there anyway to go to someone and say, “Look,
my friend is psycho and told me she’s attempted
suicide.” And get her help? Her parents are useless,
their idea of helping her deal with high school was to
forbid her from wearing anything black, and taking her
to an exorcist a few times. S is useless, she’ll
continue to make excuses for Lee and then run and tell her
everything I said. When is it my place to say I’m out
of the games, the drama, and everything else?

Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt,

Now.Tell them both to grow up and sort their shit out on their own time, because you’ve had it.

Sometimes, people have problems, and those problems make those people act like gits, even though you know that they aren’t really gits deep down and you feel like you should feel sorry for them for behaving gittishly instead of wanting to drive your fist through their faces like a runaway train.

But their behavior is their responsibility.Of course you want to show Lee compassion, but it’s not your job to tolerate a bunch of mega-childish crap in the service of that, and if she expects you to pity her when she’s acting like an asshole…that’s not how it works, and she’s going to have to learn that sooner or later.Call her parents up, let them know they should keep an eye on her because she’s not doing well emotionally, and consider that the end of your involvement.As for S…whatever.I don’t think you even like the girl, so tell her it’s over and move on.

Dear Sars,

I apologize for the length, but I have Issues.
Unfortunately, these Issues (depression, messed-up
family, sex abuse, and all that fun stuff) are being
complicated by another issue that is threatening to
send me into breakdownland and I’m really not sure
how to handle it.

The problem at hand is that I have a
very anal-retentive stepmother who blows her stack at
small things, blames me for problems without asking if
I’ve actually created/had anything to do with them,
and has never really made me welcome in “her” house.
(Even though they were married when she bought it,
it’s definitely “her” house as opposed to ours or even
theirs.) Although I definitely should have known
better, I agreed to babysit my younger stepsister and
watch the house while Stepmom and my dad were on a
month’s vacation. I did this because I wanted to do
them a favor, I needed a place to live and a little
pocket money while on summer break (I’m in college),
and because I figured I wouldn’t have to deal with
Stepmom since she is on vacation in another continent.

I was wrong. Oh, how I was wrong. One week into her
trip I received an email complaining that my teenage
stepsister had claimed that there was cat food on the
floor (this occasionally happens when you have SEVEN
FRIGGIN’ CATS), and dishes in the sink, and that my
stepsis was doing all the cleaning, and that she was
very upset about this. The hell? Not only did she not
ask me if this was the case instead of assuming, there
is no more cat food there then there is normally, my
stepsis is doing nothing but helping me load the
dishwasher, and why does she care if I leave dishes in
the sink overnight when she isn’t there.

But that’s not what made me really upset. What made me
really upset was the paragraph that said, “Perhaps in
the future you could split your time between your
mom’s house and ours.You are old enough to do a few
things to help out, and are beyond the age in which we
have an obligation to support you.It is already
difficult having the entire financial burden for you
and Other Sister on us as a result of your mother’s
refusal to help out.”

This is upsetting because after my mother’s two
suicide attempts, I find it pretty difficult to spend
more than a couple hours at a time with her. My Other
Sister doesn’t spend time with my mother at all.
Claiming that I am only welcome in her house (where my
father does, after all, live) for half of Christmas
break in these circumstances seems pretty wrong. As
for the so-called financial burden, I have assumed 90 percent
of my own expenses since high school graduation
(including an out-of-state private college). The only
thing they pay for is a monthly $100 allowance and my
car insurance, which I am required by state law to
have because I have a license. Suffice to say that I
think Stepmom is being unfair and unloving, and this
latest episode is only one in a very long line of
them. I have received a subsequent email along the
same lines.

I know that I need to talk to Stepmom and my dad about
this when they come home, but I don’t know how.
Frankly, I’m afraid. I hate conflict (passionately),
I’m in the middle of a big depressive episode which
has me crying almost all the time and probably won’t
end by the time they get home, and I don’t feel like
my dad will stand up for me (he never really does in
these situations as far as I know, and as for this
issue he has only said that he wants to stay out of
it). The only solution I’ve found has been to move in
with my grandparents for the rest of the summer, but I
still want to hang on to my relationship to my dad,
and I feel like I should maintain a cordial
relationship with Stepmom even though I kinda feel
like she’s pure mean.

Sars, what the hell do I do?

Sincerely,
Listening to Nothing But Country Music Lately

Dear Even Cowgirls Have To Put A Foot Up Some Family Ass Now And Then,

Your father’s refusal to pick a side is understandable, I guess…but it’s also unacceptable.Print out the most recent emails from your stepmother, sit down with your father, and show them to him.Force him off the fence.If he sides with your stepmother, well, then he’s a jackhole, but the sooner you know that, the sooner you can start dealing with it.

You don’t like conflict, I know — who does, really? — but, dude.Your dad and stepmother both know about the existing issues with your mother, and from where I sit, it’s really ick that Stepmom is like, “Why don’t you spend more time with your mom?” like it’s a viable option, and that your dad is just like, “La la la, I can’t hear you, whatever she says goes, leave me out of it,” like, hello — this is your kid, fool.You don’t get left out of it.And it’s time to say so to your dad.You should tell him that it’s insensitive of Stepmom to make that suggestion, that it’s insensitive of him not to tell her so and to get your back with her, and that Stepmom doesn’t have to like you, but she does have to get down off the cross for five damn minutes and respect the pre-existing issues in the family.

And if he won’t stick up for you and Stepmom won’t give you a break on the issue, well, now you know.It sucks, but it isn’t your fault, and now you can make other arrangements — go stay with your grandparents, find a therapist you can unload your father’s crappiness on, and get on with your life knowing that you stuck up for yourself even if your dad wouldn’t do the same.

I think you deserve better than that, from him and from your stepmother.You just don’t want to ask for it, because you’re afraid you won’t get it, and I understand that — but you won’t get it if you don’t ask, either.You can handle it.Handle it.

Hey Sars,

I have a problem with a guy I used to date — let’s call him “Sam.”I went out with Sam a couple of times right before Christmas when I was in 10th grade (I’m a senior now).I then told him I didn’t believe that the relationship would work out.He said he understood.

Then, six months ago, I was at the grocery store, picking up something for my mother on my way home from the movies, and I went through his line.He (jokingly, I hope) asked me if I wanted to get married.I (of course) said no.After I had gotten in the car, my mother called, and I had to go back in to buy something else.Again, I went through Sam’s line, simply because it looked shorter than any other line.He asked me if I had changed my mind; I said no. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but it came down to him asking if we could “court” (yes, he used the word “court.” Kill me now).I said no, he asked if he could call me.I told him he could if he could find my number.When I got to the front of the line, he tried to get me to write my number down so he wouldn’t have to ask “Mindy,” his ex, and the person who set us up, for my number “this time.”I told him Mindy or any of my other friends would have my number; Sam said he didn’t know their numbers.To make a long story short, I gave him my number to get him off my back.Baaaad idea.

So, Sam calls me, and I, who will plead temporary insanity, said I would go see a movie with him.I ended up going to see the movie with my close friend “Katie,” Mindy, and Mindy’s boyfriend “Jake.”However, I did try to get in touch with Sam to see if he would be interested in going to see it with us.I couldn’t get a hold of him, and I ended up going to see the same movie the next night with him.When he walked me to my car (I had decided to drive myself) he asked me if we were “going out.” I told him no.Again, when he called, told him the relationship wouldn’t work.

Cut to a few months later.I gave Sam a call; I wanted to explain why I was always turning him down.I didn’t get to much of the explanation; I halfway chickened out.He asked me to his prom; I said yes, but that he would have to go with me to mine.Again, bad idea.Not to say that my prom wasn’t enjoyable, but Sam wouldn’t do a whole lot of dancing, except to slow songs.I ended up dancing with others, some of my good friends, and “Mark,” whom Sam absolutely hates, but I consider a nice and interesting person, from what I knew of him.While on the way to “Lucy”‘s house (a girl both Sam and I know) to hang out after prom, he mentioned that he had wanted to rip Mark’s head off.I replied that I was glad he hadn’t done so when I was dancing with him; Sam said that was part of the reason he had wanted to.Cut to when he dropped me off after his prom.He asked if he could talk to me, if I had the time.Sam wanted to know if I would like to do anything with him, blah blah, I’m freaking out.I told him I didn’t want anything serious, he said that wasn’t what he meant.I clarified that I really didn’t want any type of relationship.He said he understood, and I went inside.

Earlier this month, he called and said it was an emergency.He had locked himself out of his car not far from my house.I didn’t think I had anything that could help him, but I ended up finding something.My brother (“Rat”) and I went and found him, and I stayed to make sure he got the door open.As Rat and I were leaving, he asked if I was still talking to “John,” whom I had told him about while trying to get him off my back during an AIM conversation.I told him no, and left.

Then, about a week ago, Sam called me, and asked me out to dinner. I declined, giving my summer homework for my AP English class as the reason (it was pretty much true; my mother had forbidden me to do anything until I finished stuff on two of the four books).He said okay, and I got off the phone.My dad informed me that he had called twice the night before while my mother and I were at a concert about an hour or so away.Then, last night, Sam called three times.I refused to answer the phone, nor would I allow my parents or brother to.I told them I did not want to get into “this” (meaning the cycle I always tend to go through with Sam) again.When he called the third time, my mother told me I needed to answer and see what he wanted.I told her no.She had already said that he was persistent; that maybe he thought if he kept trying, he would get me to say yes.I called Katie, asking her if she hated me enough to kill me, and told her of his three calls.She told me to be mean to him this time around, which I thought was a good idea, since his persistence was so annoying by this time.

He called again today, asking me out to dinner, and again, I declined.I even told him that the answer would most likely be no from now on.He gave a stupid reason why I might have a “change of heart,” and also said that I didn’t sound like myself.I told him I didn’t want to go out with him.He asked for Katie’s number (jokingly, I hope).I told him I didn’t think she would appreciate him calling her, and that I would appreciate him not calling me to ask me out.I said thank you, he said you’re welcome and he hung up.

I really don’t know what to do about this if Sam calls me again.I know I’ve led him on in the past, something I know I shouldn’t have done.Kate (who thinks I’m mean to him at times) even asked him after an AP test why he hung around when I was so mean to him. Sam’s reply is that it was “adorable.”Please help me here, if you are so inclined!

Thanks,
Fed Up With A Persistent Guy

Dear Fed,

Stop taking his calls and stop going out with him.You didn’t lead him on, but if you don’t want to go out with him or talk to him on the phone…you kind of need to stop doing those things.So, stop.It’s that simple.

[12/10/03]

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