So!

There’s an Issue that has been slowly evolving in my relationship.
I’m hoping you haven’t heard this one a thousand times before because I
really need an outside view and neither my friends nor his friends are going
to be able to provide that.

The issue is marriage and commitment. What sparked it is that my boyfriend
of two years has gotten (tentatively, he’s his boss’s pick and his boss is
the person with the hiring authority for this position) a job promotion
that would involve moving to Louisiana to Fort Polk (we’re currently in west
Texas). To make a long story short, our relationship started out long-distance, after a year I moved closer because I’d gotten a job offer in his
area and I wanted to give the relationship a chance. I’m still physically
close enough to all my friends and family that going to see everyone on the
weekends isn’t a problem. I like things this way.

Anyway, when he sprung the job transfer news on me my first reaction
was “What?! I just moved so we could see what we’d make of our relationship,
dammit! That’s not fair.” Note that I didn’t say this. Then he said that he
wanted me to move with him and that he’d told his supervisor that it was a
pretty much a sure thing he’d accept the job. Then he asked me what I
thought about the whole thing. I said moving so far away from the people
that cared about me was something I really didn’t want to do, but that I
this relationship was very good for me and I enjoyed him and it and didn’t
want to lose either.

BUT. But I felt that he wanted wife privileges from a
girlfriend. I told him that I had already moved once to be with him, and
that if he wanted me there with him that I needed more commitment from him
than I currently had.In short: the only way I’m moving to Louisiana with
you is if we’re engaged or married. So then we got into a discussion of “But
if the commitment isn’t there when you’re dating a piece of paper won’t
change that.” And “It’s a meaningless piece of paper, why does a piece of
paper mean so much to you?” And “Don’t you trust me, have I ever given you
any reason to doubt that I care?” Sigh.

What I told him was that I wasn’t talking about his commitment to me but
mine to him. For me there is a difference in the type of commitment that
you give to someone when you’re married. “‘Til death do us part” is much
different than “‘Til it’s more work than fun and it’s easier to just go our
separate ways.” Yeah, I know that happens in marriages too. But I feel (and
told him) that if he expects me to leave my “old” family to follow him and
make a new life with him in a place where neither of us would have friends,
then he needs to ante up and agree to be my new family. Especially as the
only reason I’d be moving would be to be with him. I’d have no job, no
friends, no family, nothing except him. Not good enough for me on a “I love
you lots” commitment.

As for point the first, well, can’t argue there. So I
asked him whether or not the commitment is there on his side. His answer was
that he saw us being together for a long, long, looooooong time and that
this relationship was the best he’d been in, and I was…blah blah blah
blah, in short: I love you lots. So that would be no, right?As for point
the second, I’ve been married before (veeery young) and that marriage ended
in a car crash. That piece of paper isn’t meaningless, especially when you
have to go to court. He knows the story and has seen the paperwork. He knows
the legal ramifications and protection that a marriage license offers in
ways most people never think about. So do I.

I don’t want to just scrap this relationship. He’s good to me and for me
and vice versa. We share the same sense of humor, mostly the same political
leanings, share a lot of hobbies, and can fight without carrying grudges or
devolving into name-calling. Plus, he’s fun. He also has the most personal
integrity of anyone I’ve ever met and that is a very large part of the
reason that I don’t wish to leave him.So here’s my main question: Is the
situation hopeless? Am I overreacting? I mean, we’ve pretty clearly outlined
our positions for each other. Neither one of us is in the dark about how the
other feels. So where do I go from here? Is there a constructive way out of
this dilemma?

Aren’t there Nutra rats in Louisiana?

Dear There Are Also Really Awesome Catfish Sandwiches,

Well, you gave him an ultimatum.Either he goes for it or he doesn’t.I don’t disagree with you on your theoretical point about marriage, but in practice, if he doesn’t want to get married yet, he doesn’t, and the central issue to my mind is not the name either of you gives to the level of commitment but the fact that he didn’t discuss any of this with you first.He just kind of announced that he’d probably take the job and by the way is that okay?Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn’t, but springing it on you that way when it’s much more of a hardship for you…is not okay.

I think you need to make that point fairly strongly to him — that you’re kind of in the wind here, and you don’t appreciate it, and you understand that the job is important to him, but you’re not really seeing recognition on his part of the sacrifices you’ve made (and will continue to have to make, should the transfer go through) for the relationship.

Of course, the easiest way for him to signal that he Gets That is to ask you to marry him, but again, either he’s ready for that or he’s not, so I think you have two options: 1. you can accept a less formal statement from him that he knows it’s a big upheaval and a big pain in the ass for you, and he’s really grateful that you’re willing to hang in there; or 2. you can require a ring, and walk if you don’t get it.

I don’t think either choice is a wrong one, but I do think you need to decide for yourself that you’re on board or you’re not, and if you are, to move forward without resentments.That’s way harder to do than to say, of course, but don’t make getting married the main point.Make the point of getting married — that it’s a partnership, that you both get a vote, that you’re in it together — the main point.Because that’s the problem here.

Hi Sars,

I started a new job about five months ago, and while it’s not a position or industry that is particularly interesting to me, it pays well, and I like the people I work with.

The woman I work directly for/with and I got along really well until a few weeks ago.We didn’t just work well together; we actually enjoyed one another’s company.We have a lot of things in common and we’ve shared things with each other.I got the feeling that, had I met her in the outside world, we’d possibly have been friends.

But, like I said, that was until a few weeks ago.For no real reason that I can discern, she’s become increasingly hostile towards me; interrupting/barking/snapping at me when I ask questions, communicating with me for the most part only via email or dropping handwritten notes over the wall of my cubicle.When I talk to her, she turns her face towards the floor, closes her eyes and purses her lips as though it causes her physical pain to have to listen to the sound of my voice.She generally makes me feel as though I am inferior, inept, and unwelcome.Prior to this, she was always happy with me and my work, and nothing on my part has changed.If anything, I try to be more cheerful and upbeat, and I work harder now than before, just trying to make her happy.

I have asked her three times so far if she’s unhappy with me, if I have done something to upset her, et cetera, and she always says, “No, I have a headache.””No, I am just under a lot of stress.””No, I have a lot on my plate.”However, she’s not treating anyone else in the office this way.It would appear that, despite her reassurances that it’s not me, it IS me.I was worried, but I consoled myself with the thought that this was probably a passing thing and that maybe she was having some personal issues, but the other day she sent me a cryptic email which I interpret as being vaguely threatening.Now I’m really very nervous.

I am torn as to how to proceed from here.I could go to her superiors and tell them what’s going on, but the big, fat paranoid and insecure part of me is afraid she’s already blackballed me with them by airing whatever mystery grievances she has with me with them and I will look desperate, or that I will come across like I am trying to get her in trouble, or like I can’t play well with others.I am also afraid of involving anyone because I don’t want her to ultimately wind up treating me worse than she already does, to get back at me for going over her head.

However, I am unwilling to sit by and wait to be fired for things I am unaware of having done wrong, and likely have not done wrong in the first place.I asked her if she had any issues with me on three occasions, and she declined to use those opportunities to be forthright with me or tell me what I need to improve upon.She’s acting like she wants to be rid of me, but hasn’t given me any justification for it.Besides, I have a family to help support, and I absolutely can’t afford to be unemployed.

I know I probably should look for another job — and I probably will -– but I also feel it is unfair that I should be chased away because of some bizarre problem on the part of my supervisor.I have stayed with my previous positions for years, not months, and I know it won’t look good for me to turn around so quickly and start shopping again.And, the money I make here is good.I may not be able to match this salary elsewhere, and I’d need to.

So, what should I do, Sars?Take my chances with the higher-ups?Keep trying to communicate with my boss and see if I can’t make peace with her?Or update my resume, cross my fingers and start looking?

Thanks for your help!

Signed,
I can’t wait ’til I get my degree and kiss this kind of shit goodbye

Dear Kiss,

I would print out the “vaguely threatening” email, take it to your superiors, and explain — phrasing everything self-deprecatingly and with a lot of “I statements” — that you feel like you’ve done something wrong, but you don’t know what it is, so you’d welcome the opportunity to correct any errors you may have made and move forward.And in the absence of any errors, you’d appreciate an attitude correction on the part of this woman, by whatever means.

I can’t imagine what’s going on with this woman, but she’s got a bug up her ass, and you’ve tried to address it with her; she’s failed to respond, so, enough already.

Dear Sars,

I have a rather frustrating and confusing relationship problem, and I’m hoping you can give me the kick in the ass I sorely need.

I’m a gay guy just a handful of months on the geezer side of 30.My experience with serious romantic relationships has been minimal, mostly because for most of my twenties, I didn’t even bother to try.I’ve dated casually, had a couple of short relationships that were doomed to fail from the start, but that’s just about it. The full history of my serious relationships consists, in a nutshell, of a married guy while I was 21 (who manipulated and played mind games with me until I couldn’t take anymore and bailed) and a long-distance relationship when I was 24 (after which I was dumped unceremoniously for reasons that are to this day a mystery to me).

That is, until “Bill” came along.I’ve known Bill for eight months and we’ve been dating for four.Bill is my lover, my best friend, and my hero.He has the full package — sweet, intellegent, attractive, and generous. He’s the kind of guy you can take home to mother (literally, in this case — my mom has met him and adores him).

In spite of our age difference (he’s in his mid-forties), we get along wonderfully about 99% of the time.This has the potential to become something long-term; I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. He tells me daily that he’s in love with me and wants to spend the rest of my life with me.I know I’m in love with him as well.Unfortunately, there’s a problem that’s threatening to tear us apart.

Enter “Dale.”Dale, who is roughly Bill’s age, has been a friend of Bill’s for about two or three years now.Dale has also been against Bill and my dating from the start, mostly because he wants Bill for himself.From what I’ve heard, he’s not been shy in expressing this disapproval to others, Bill in particular. Naturally, I’ve no use for Dale.

Dale, Bill, and I are all part of a social club that gets together one night a week for coffee.Lately, Dale has been showing up to these events more often, during which he makes constant plays for Bill.For the most part, Bill is, for the most part, unresponsive, but he hasn’t really discouraged the advances either. (To be fair, Bill is on the board of the club.Plus, he has a side business that gives him some much-needed income, and Dale is one of his best and most loyal customers. So Bill can’t tell Dale to piss off.) Each week it happens like clockwork: Bill and I go to coffee, Dale makes plays for Bill while I’m sitting right there, and I leave in a shitty mood.Bill gets convinced that, by my reaction, I’m casting aspersions on his honesty and fidelity (which isn’t my intention; I trust him fully) and gets hurt.Our discussions on the matter have gotten more and more heated.

Things came to a head last week.I almost didn’t go to coffee, but after some discussion with Bill, I decided to give it a try.Dale was there, of course, and while Bill was standing in front of me Dale started giving Bill a backrub.Bill called out “oh, that feels so good!!”Flames formed on the side of my face, and I excused myself to the bookstore next door.I got myself into a nice little snit, since I was absolutely convinced that Bill was taunting and/or testing me.During the ride home, I made my displeasure known.This set Bill off.He told me that he didn’t think he did anything wrong, Dale and he are just friends, the backrub did feel good, dammit, and though he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he will bail if I can’t get past this.This lead to a series of events where, the next day, I became convinced Bill was dumping me, and I said some really hurtful things to him.I’m damn lucky that Bill didn’t actually walk at that point.

It’s a few days later and we’re both recovering from the blow-up. I’m feeling guilty for hurting Bill and causing him so much aggro. I’m also confused and frustrated with the situation and how badly I’ve handled it. I just need to know why I am having such a hard time with this.Am I just a possessive jackhole who should just leave Bill so he can find someone more deserving of him? Or is there something I can do to get past this?I really love Bill and I don’t want to lose him over something so silly.I know he loves me, but his patience is wearing thin.Can this relationship be saved?

Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated.Even if it involves the phrase “Girl. Please.” and tearing me a new asshole.

Thanks,
Maybe I’m Too Young To Keep Good Love From Goin’ Wrong

Dear Or Maybe Bill’s The Jackhole,

You’re lucky Bill didn’t walk out?Uch.Dale sleazes all over Bill, in front of you, and instead of understanding that you might have a problem with that, or explaining that he knows it’s gross but he needs Dale’s business, or anything that might be sensitive to your feelings, he turns it around so that you’re insecure and controlling.

It’s horseshit.He’s got you second-guessing yourself and getting even more insecure, and honestly, it’s one thing to have possessive freak-outs any time he’s talking to another guy — but Dale is on the record as wanting to cock-block you.It’s not the same situation at all.And Bill knows it.

It’s not “silly.”It’s a mind-fuck.Tell Bill how it’s going to be — he behaves more sensitively with regard to Dale and stops making it your problem, or you walk, and if he chooses to make it about your jealousy, well, there’s your answer.You can find someone else to love who doesn’t invalidate your feelings.

[12/10/04]

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