Sars,

When I was in high school, there was a guy that I had a crush on and I’m 90 percent sure he felt the same, but we’re both shy and never hooked up.Three years pass since graduation. I decided to go back to church (for various reasons which are not salient to the problem), where I run into “Bob.”I initiate conversation, refusing to be a big shy dork at the age of 20.

In the meantime, Bob has invited me to several church-/Bible-related gatherings.And despite the fact I’m not an “in-your-face Bible thumper,” I want to see Bob, he’s inviting me, and it can’t do any harm.He’s showing interest in me (we’ve hung out moderately incessantly — about four times a week, though pretty much in groups).

The problem is this — he’s not an “in-your-face” type either; however, I know he’s got firm beliefs, one of which is the No Sex Before Marriage creed.Which I have broken.(And I’ve decided that it’s too much of a hassle to worry about sex and stuff, so I’m going to cease and desist until I get married, but it’s not like you can be a born-again virgin.)And he does not know.(He hasn’t been rude enough to ask; I haven’t been chomping at the bit to tell.)

If I told him, I’m practically positive he’d lose interest other than as a friend, if that.And while that’s exceedingly judgmental, he’s not being a hypocrite about it, and it is part of his religion.And I don’t know that I should tell him; I mean, it’s not like it’s anywhere near normal to go up to your crush and be like, “Guess how many guys have known me in the Biblical sense?”

And the thing is, because he’s a serious non-hypocritical type, he’s also pretty much everything I’ve been looking for, and a drastic improvement from pretty much the rest of the guys I’ve dated or exist on the planet.He laughs at all my jokes, and we’d be on the same page about a serious relationship.

Despite all that, I’m guessing the answer is move on to someone that I’m on the same moral standing with and won’t think I’m a harlot, but I need someone impartial to lay it down in non-negotiable terms if such is the case.

Morally Ambiguous

Dear Ambiguous,

Don’t get ahead of yourself.You don’t know yet that it’s going to go anywhere with you two; breathe deeply and try to take it one day at a time.

If the subject comes up, you should tell him the truth.Don’t apologize for it; you’ve both made choices in your lives, and he should respect yours, just as you respect his.If he doesn’t want a relationship with a non-virgin, well, that would suck, but that would also mean that he’s kind of judgmental and closed-minded, and probably not a good match for you.

But don’t talk yourself out of him yet.See how things unfold.

Dear Sars,

Here’s the deal.I am 23 and have a little brother and sister, ages 7 and 12 respectively.My mother is married (to my stepdad, their dad), but at the same time is having an affair with an old high school boyfriend (he lives in Florida, she is in Georgia, and the stepdad is stationed in Kentucky).I know this whole thing sounds like a bad season from The Young & The Restless, but please bear with me.

My concern is not for my mom’s infidelity, or even the misconceptions she gives the two men in her life (neither knows about the other).My concern is strictly for my brother and sister.My mother does not hide the affair from them, but instead takes them on vacations to the Florida boyfriend’s home.While the stepfather is stationed in Kentucky, he usually makes it home to Georgia to visit with the kids twice a month.My little sister has on occasion mentioned the confusion she feels towards the whole situation, but she is afraid to elaborate any more in fear that my mother will be angry with her (my mom has had her lie to the stepfather to cover the affair up, so sister knows what mom is doing is wrong).I have tried to bring up the irresponsible, disgusting, and just downright wrong nature of involving the kids in the affair with my mother (not to mention teaching them to lie), but she doesn’t want to hear it, usually spouting something to the effect of “I raised you just fine so leave us be.”If I didn’t love my siblings so dearly, that’s just what I would do, but for the life of me I cannot turn my back on them when they have no way of understanding and dealing with the events at hand.I have offered to take the sibs while she does her thing in Florida, but she won’t hear of that either.What do I do?

Sincerely,
The Missing Cast Member From All My Children

Dear Missing,

It depends on how far you want to take it.I assume you want to rock the boat as little as possible while still looking out for your sibs, so I wouldn’t advise blowing the whistle on your mother with your stepfather — although that would certainly focus the situation in a hurry.

I would keep trying to talk to your mom — keep trying to get her to see that, whatever she does in her personal life, it’s wrong to involve her children, particularly when she’s cuckolding their father.Emphasize that you don’t judge her, but that you’d prefer it if she spared your siblings having to witness her bad behavior.

But she’s probably not going to go for that, because it sounds like she’s pretty self-absorbed and obtuse, so, really, you can only tell your brother and sister that you’re there for them.If they have questions, if they want to talk about things, if they feel scared, they can call you; you will always listen, you will always love them, and you will always try to help them even if your efforts don’t come to much.I imagine that the whole thing is really confusing for them, and having one person that they can rely on will really help them to get through it.

Beyond that — or beyond ratting your mother out to the kids’ father or to children’s services in Georgia — there’s not a whole lot you can do.But making sure they know you care is the best action you can take here, and it’s an important one.

Dear Sarah,

I have a problem that could use a little down-home advice from someone who does not know me at all. I am a white woman dating a black man for the last year.He is a super-cool dude who kind of grew up in a very working-class neighborhood (definitely not the hood, but not nice either) and went to college, and is now a lawyer who works in a great law firm and is really far away from his proletarian past.Whenever he gets drunk or feels cocky, he switches into ghetto talk and has to be all bad and talk shit with his homeys.But he doesn’t hang with the homeys anymore — he is now a successful lawyer, and his friends are all uptight and reserved.This can make for some uncomfortable moments, such as when he decides to give shout-outs to all the hos in his past and crap like that at company work parties.

Basically, it makes me uncomfortable, and we have talked about this, because I don’t know him as the guy who grew up in a rough neighborhood.AND from the way he talks, I would NEVER WANT TO know him before he got his shit together, and I would never date a guy who referred to me in public as his ho.

How can I understand this man?

Another rap guy’s girlfriend

Dear Another,

What’s your question here — how to get him to stop with the ho shout-outs?Whether there’s part of him you can’t understand, and never will?It’s kind of unclear, and I don’t have any significant experience in this area, so I’ll just wing it and wait for the readers to tell me I’m full of shit.

He’s got something going on that has nothing to do with you; maybe he feels like he’s betrayed his roots somehow, or that the career path he’s chosen for himself forces him to make compromises that he feels an elemental discomfort with…I don’t know.But it’s still a tough row to hoe for a black man in the corporate world, a lot of times, and it seems like he’s acting out on a split or a disparity that he feels there.He’s got two different selves, and he’s trying to reconcile them somehow?Again, not for me to say.That’s how it looks from here, though.

If you’ve talked about it with him, and let him know that it’s not acceptable for him to refer to you (or any other woman, really) as a “ho,” you’ve done all you can.Beyond establishing that he respects you, it isn’t really your issue to work through — it’s his.You can suggest that he talk to a professional about it, or that he spend some time thinking about why he behaves that way, but you can’t take on the whole thing; it’s too big, and it’s not about you in the end.Stick to the way he interacts with you.Tell him you love him and you want him to be happy, and then get out of the way while he deals with it — and if he doesn’t, or can’t, then you should revisit the problem and decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

[12/11/01]

Share!