Sars,

I need help with my husband and his predilection for porn.

There was a time about five or six years ago that we would read erotic fiction to enhance our sex lives.But as our relationship continued, that stopped.We still had a great sex life.

However, about two years ago, when I was pregnant with my daughter and was on bedrest (meaning no sexual activity), my husband started looking at porn on the Internet.He never admitted this, but the browser history tattled on him (I wasn’t snooping, it’s just my preferred way of navigating to my favorite sites). Plus, there became an increasing number of instances where he would surf with our bedroom door closed and later I would find wadded bits of toilet paper in the trash next to the computer (TMI, I’m sure, but I just want to paint an accurate picture).

I tried confronting him a couple of times, to ask why he felt the need to look at porn, but he just accused me of snooping and started deleting the history.Then I did start snooping and would check the cookies.Of course, he was still doing it.

It’s two years later, and he still spends any time on the computer dedicated to porn.Recently, he’s cared less about covering his tracks, and when I ask him why he feels the need to look at porn, he just counters with, “Why do you feel the need to read Mighty Big TV?It’s just something I do.”

What should I do?I’m uncomfortable with his activities, but don’t want to refuse him an outlet (if that’s what he needs).And I’m not even sure if I should be uncomfortable.It’s not like he expects me to do the things he sees or reads. He’s not downloading it for future viewing and it’s nothing too unusual (like incest or bestiality).If anything, our sex life diminishes after he’s had heavy exposure to porn.

I would like to know why he looks at it.Is there something missing from our relationship?Or are porn sites really as innocuous to him as MBTV is to me?

What are your thoughts?

Porn Widow

Dear Widow,

I can’t answer those questions — only your husband can.And you need to make him answer them somehow.

Porn in and of itself is not necessarily bad, but your husband’s resolute consumption of it is hurting your sex life and causing problems between you, and “an outlet” is one thing, but it’s time for him to account for himself.”Just something he does” won’t cut it, not anymore.

Talk to him.Stick up for yourself.Tell him exactly what you just told me.It’s not unreasonable for you to want to know why he looks at porn, and it’s not unreasonable for you to expect him to deal with something that’s affecting your marriage — tell him so.Make it clear that it’s not the porn per se that bothers you, but the fact that he refuses to discuss it.

If he still won’t talk about it, get counseling for yourself and strongly suggest that he go too.Something’s not right here, and you have to find out what.

Dear Sarah,

Okay, are you ready for this one?It’s a doozy.

I’m nineteen years old, male, and reasonable certain that I’ve got a pretty good bead on things.I also used to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as the Mormon Church.I stopped going to church about two months ago when I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, who is a member of the church also.We got a little more physically involved than the church would have liked us to, and she got guilty, and told our minister.He basically told her to break up with me, and also told her that my membership in the church was in jeopardy.I didn’t even know that people got excommunicated anymore, not since Henry VIII, but guess I was mistaken.

So I now have a “meeting” with some sort of disciplinary council of the church next week, and here’s what I plan on telling them, in so many words: Want me out?Fine, me too. Because I do.

I still consider myself a Christian, and I even believe in all the crazy books the Mormon Church has released, including the Book of Mormon.But I’m not here to sell you religious propaganda.I just have some issues with the church: I like having sex, and the church isn’t down.I have a few gay friends whose lifesyles I support and condone, and the church does not share my feelings.I am pro-hemp, both medically and recreationally, the church is not.

I believe in a lot of the things that Christianity teaches — most everything, as a matter of fact — but it’s like the difference between Koran and Kabbalah. I dig the basics, but not the silly little made-up rules.

Okay, so what’s my point?What’s the big question here? I guess I just want some kind of reassurance that I’m not insane, some support, because right now, the only support I’m getting is from my aforementioned gay friends.

More-Man

Dear More,

You aren’t insane.

I grew up going to an interdenominational church and got confirmed as an American Baptist, and the religious instruction there took kind of a dim-sum approach.What does that mean?Well, basically, “It’s the thought that counts.”I got lucky; the congregation focused on the joy of believing in God, not the punishment, and didn’t concern itself overly with the small stuff.Show up, sing, make nice, remember the less fortunate — the big picture.It worked for my family.

But some people can’t hack that.Some people take great comfort in the “silly little made-up rules”; it gives their spiritual lives structure and order, and it makes them feel like they belong to something.Other people find the rules unnecessarily confining, if not downright un-Christian (viz. not “condoning” the gay lifestyle, which — don’t get me started), and prefer to take the good things about their faith and leave the rest behind.

It’s difficult to turn your back on a tradition in which you were raised, but it’s not working for you, and I think it’s a good decision for you to leave the Mormon Church before it sours you on spiritual faith altogether.Shop around until you find a congregation that values the important things, like genuine faith and community, or just take a break from organized religion for a while and figure out where you want to go with it.

I mean, I don’t claim to know the mind of God, but if He gives a shit about premarital sex and bong hits, I’ll go on national damn television and eat my hat.Seriously.You’re fine.

Hi Sars!

I really hope you can help!

I’ve been stressing out a lot about my boyfriend lately, who up until recently was the best guy in the world to me. I find him immensely attractive, we get along great, have the same goofy sense of humor, sex was fab, yadda yadda…

Then…

See, my boyfriend’s a bit of a globetrotter. He’s been everywhere, spent a year in Australia, a year in Europe, and worked in Korea for two years. That’s fine, and I like that about him. About six months into our relationship, he starts talking about maybe looking for other jobs, and not limiting himself to ones in the U.S. However, he stressed at the time that the relationship was of utmost importance to him, and if I thought we would break up if he took a faraway job, he wouldn’t do it. I told him I had reservations, but that I encouraged him to do what made him happy and we’d deal with stuff down the road.

He doesn’t mention it for months.

Then, one night, he drops the bomb: He’s moving to Korea for at least a year. I’m shocked and hurt, especially since he gives the distinct impression that he’s made this decision without really talking to me about it. Before he’d brought up moving only as a vague possibility that might happen.

It sucks, but I tried to support him. I wanted to try to stay together while he was gone, but I knew deep down that that probably wouldn’t work, at least if he stayed gone longer than a year.

Since his announcement, he’s made a big deal out of saying he doesn’t want to break up with me, and that he wants to stay friends even after he leaves (he told me eventually that he DIDN’T want to stay together after he left, which disappoints me, but I understand).

However, he’s gotten more and more distant and, well…mean. He said he was sick of me pressuring him to hang out all the time (we’d been dating for months, seeing each other about five times a week), and that he wanted his “freedom,” which apparently means drinking every night with bar buddies and NOT me. Our sex life is nonexistent. He stopped saying “I love you” (I kept saying it for a little while, but stopped myself when he began responding with a curt “thanks”).

I guess I know he’s distancing himself from me because he leaving; after all, it didn’t start happening until his leaving came up, and we had a great relationship before then. I guess my question is, WHY is he doing this if he says he wants to stay friends and not break up? I’ve tried really hard to be a good girlfriend and give him space, even though it breaks my heart to know that my best friend doesn’t like to even be around me anymore.

Should I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, since this is such a weird and tough situation? I’m sick of being treated like crap when I haven’t done anything wrong. All I’ve tried to do is support him, but I’m sick of thinking about him when he obviously doesn’t care how I feel. Or should I call it quits before I put up with any more shit? I hate to break up during the holidays, but I’ll do it if it’s necessary to save my sanity.

Thanks,
All Over But the Dumping?

Dear All Over,

Why he’s acting like that doesn’t really matter.He doesn’t care what you think, or how you feel.He doesn’t want to spend time with you.He doesn’t love you.He’s done.Dump his ass and feel good about it.”But how come he –“Doesn’t matter.Dump him.”But he said that –“Doesn’t matter.Dump him.

He’s acting like a jackass so that you’ll dump him and let him off the hook.Give him what he wants and find a guy who isn’t an emotional toddler.

[12/12/01]

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