Sars,

Wondering about the proper usage for the word “revert.” I’ve been getting
more and more emails with “revert” used (as I see it) in an incorrect manner.
An example from an email I received was, “You need to clear this up with the
customer and revert back to me when it is ready.”This doesn’t “feel” like
the correct usage, but I’m not an expert by any means. Care to weigh in on
this non-life-threatening, non-relationship issue?

Co-workers causing untimely laughter

Dear Untimely,

“Revert” is usually used to mean “return to a former state” or “go back in thought, speech, or action.”It can also mean “return” in the physical sense, but that’s more of a legal/probate term, i.e. “return to former owner or that owner’s heirs.”In the example you provide, the author probably used it to pretty up “return” with a fancier synonym, but “revert” isn’t a synonym of “return” in that sense, so it’s not quite right.

The usage isn’t quite right, either.”Revert back” is a redundancy, first of all; the “re-” in “revert” obviates the need for the word “back.”And unless the author means that he/she wants you to revert back to her, she needs to put an “it” after “revert” to make the verb transitive.

In other words, the example you cite is wrong.

Ms. Bunting,

Married Couple A and Married Couple B have been best friends for a few years. For several months now, the husband from Couple A (“Joe”) and the wife from Couple B (“Jane”) have been dealing with issues of lackluster sexual gratification vis-a-vis their respective spouses. A couple of months ago, Joe and Jane secretly professed a strong (physical) attraction to one another.

Knowing the possible ramifications of doing anything, they kept their feelings at bay for a while, but eventually a situation arose where their spouses were out of town at the same time, and, well, you know.

From a purely physical standpoint, the encounter was thrilling, but within a week or two, Joe told Jane that it couldn’t happen again. Joe genuinely feels sorry for having violated his wife’s trust (even though she doesn’t know about it). He further realizes that if his married sex life is so dismal, he has an obligation to try to work it out with his wife instead of just getting some on the side when he feels the urge.

There have not been any more encounters, and while she doesn’t necessarily feel the same way, Jane understands and has accepted the situation.

The question to The Vine is this: Believing that he is A) indeed truly repentant, and B) totally committed to never cheating again, do you believe Joe has an obligation — moral or otherwise — to confess anything to his wife about the affair?

Thanks,
Bazooka Joe

Dear Joe,

Everyone Joe asks is going to give him a different answer, but I think Joe should tell his wife what happened and deal with the consequences.Joe’s infidelity could compromise Mrs. Joe’s physical health, not to mention her ability to trust him should she ever find out about it — and if the Joes consider the Janes their “best friends,” it’s entirely possible that it’s going to come out eventually.If Mrs. Joe doesn’t hear it from Joe, that only compounds his mistake.

Joe’s marriage is in trouble anyway, from the sounds of it.Maybe Joe did try to address the sexual gratification issue with his wife before resorting to sleeping with Jane — went to counseling, talked it out, what have you — but if he did, the attempt clearly failed, which indicates a much larger problem with communication and compatibility.If Joe genuinely wants to solve that problem, he should confess, and commit himself to working through it, wherever that winds up leading him.

Yes, it’s possible that what Mrs. Joe doesn’t know will never hurt her.But it could come back to bite her and Joe in the ass, too, and it’s time for Joe to accept that hiding from things doesn’t help.

Your advice has always been great, so this time I’ve got a question more
related to manners than any particular crisis.

I work at a large company, but my department is fairly small, perhaps 20
people.We all get along well, but aren’t very socially connected since
some work from home, others are out of state, et cetera.The only events outside
the office that I’ve ever been to with these people were all sponsored by
the company as team-building exercises.So it’s not to say that I don’t
like them all, it’s just that work and social life don’t mix much for me.

Now to the real question.Recently, one of my co-workers and his wife had a
baby son who was premature, didn’t thrive, and spent several weeks in the
hospital before passing away.We are all naturally very sympathetic to the
family and our co-worker, and the company and department did the usual
sending of flowers and condolences.Today was the funeral for the baby, and
almost every person in our department went to the service.I stayed behind,
partially to keep things covered in the department, but also because I
really feel that by going to a funeral like this, I’d be doing it more for
“appearances” than anything else.I didn’t know the deceased.I only know
one member of the family, and then only because we work together.The
family isn’t going to gain any relief from their grief by my presence at the
funeral.

What’s your take on this sort of situation?Am I missing the whole point of
funerals?I know they serve as much an emotional purpose for the bereaved
as they do a practical necessity.But I can’t help but feeling that if the
family doesn’t gain anything from my presence, and I didn’t know the deceased,
why should I be attending?I have a hard time doing something just because
“it’s expected.”

Sign me…
Funereally Challenged

Dear Challenged,

Well, you shouldn’t not do a thing because it’s “expected,” either, and in the case of a funeral, it’s “expected” because the family does presumably gain something from your presence.That’s what a funeral is for; otherwise we’d just bury our dead out back whenever we got around to it and not bother dressing up.A funeral is a ritual farewell, but it’s also a ritual coming together of the community to support the bereaved, and even if you didn’t know the deceased — which is kind of a non-argument here; even his parents didn’t “know” him, really — the point is to show up for the family and let them know you care.And the family does notice, not in a keeping-score kind of way but in a way that lets them feel like the loss, and the lost, matters.

With that said, I think it’s okay that you didn’t go.You did have a valid excuse, and I think you would have felt awkward or inappropriate going to great lengths to get to a funeral where you aren’t that close to the family and so on.But you might consider sending a card on your own, with a short note letting them know that although you couldn’t attend the service, your co-worker is in your thoughts.

It’s about acknowledging your co-worker’s pain, so find a way to do that that feels natural to you.

[12/13/02]

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