Hi Sars,

I met a guy one night while I was cocktailing.As
tends to happen when one is a cocktail waitress, he
and his friend started chatting with me.Since I had
had like, the best day ever, I was in a good mood and
was chatting back.I find out he’s in town with a
band, and he invites me to the show the next night.
He said he’d leave me some tickets, and if I was
interested, I could wait for him in the lobby and we’d
go out for a drink afterwards.I told him I’d think
about it, and the next night, with nothing to do, I
took my sister and her boyfriend.

We had an absolute
riot at the show, and so we decided to stick around.
We went out for a drink, we really hit it off, we
spent the night together (no sex) and he left town the
next day.I’d given him my number, not really
expecting him to call me, so I was pleasantly
surprised when he did.We started talking almost
daily, and we eventually made plans for him to come
and visit me at the end of May. His family (who he
hadn’t seen in like five years, since moving to America)
was coming to visit his sister, and so he was going to
come to my place straight off of that.Well, it’s
about three weeks before he’s supposed to be coming
down, and he still hadn’t booked a ticket.To be
fair, he told me it would probably be this way, that
he does everything last-minute.I should probably add
here that I have massive trust issues.I honestly did
not believe he was coming, as I’m an “expect the worst
and never be disappointed” kind of girl.

So one night, I’m drinking, and one of my exes, with
whom the sex was fantastic, calls me to ask if I’d
like to hook up.J and I are not “together,” and I
assume here that he’s hooking up with other people, so
I see no problem with this.I have no remaining
romantic feelings for the ex.

Fast forward three weeks, and surprise of surprises, J
actually comes to visit.A couple of days into the
week, he asks me if I’ve slept with anyone else since
meeting him.I told him the truth.Not that you ever
expect people to be happy about stuff like this, but
his reaction was much more serious than I’d imagined.
At this point in the relationship, if he’d told me the
same thing, I wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal.
As I said before, I was expecting it.Except that he
hadn’t.

What happened just after is not really important.The
problem is that now, five months later, we’re still
together, and I’m dealing with some fallout.I’m
falling in love, and he says he can’t because he
doesn’t trust me.More specifically, he won’t “let
himself” have stronger feelings for me, because he
thought he knew me before, and didn’t think I’d sleep
with someone else, and he was wrong.I happen to feel
that he was arrogant to assume he knew me in first
place, after one meeting and two months of talking on
the phone.I don’t think what I did was wrong, but he
says that because I knew he was coming down, and he
was leaving his family who he hadn’t seen for five
years to come and see me, it should have stopped me
from sleeping with someone else, sort of like an
unspoken expression of monogamy.Once I realized
that he wanted to be exclusive, I had no problem with
it, and haven’t been with anyone else.

So here’s the meat of the problem: I feel as though
it’s unfair of him to hold what I did against me.If
he doesn’t love me yet, that’s fine, but it’s why he
doesn’t that’s bothering me.He claims that if I
hadn’t done that, our relationship would be entirely
different, and he would probably love me and be open
to all sorts of things like moving in together (this
is not something I want yet, so it’s not a big deal),
but now it’s just going to take time for him to trust
me again.

I’ve discussed this problem with my
friends, but I’ve also come to realize that my friends
and I have very different ideas on sex than J does.
So I come to you.I’m trying to present this as
objectively as possible, because I honestly want to
know if other people think he’s justified in feeling
the way he does, or if I’m just refusing to see the
error of my ways.

Thanks,
My Boss Will Probably Read This Tomorrow

Dear Remind Her That My Advice Sucks,

Well, he’s justified in feeling whatever he wants.In using it as an excuse to avoid commitment?In holding it over your head?Nnnnah.It doesn’t work like that.

Because, in J’s position, I’d feel a bit wounded too, frankly — that a guy hadn’t been taken enough with me that he wouldn’t still consider getting with someone else.But I’d also feel like that was my insecurity to deal with, and either I’d deal with it and commit and move forward, understanding that we hadn’t talked about monogamy and we didn’t have an understanding about the state of the relationship, explicit or otherwise, and that that isn’t anyone’s fault…or I’d make a big issue of it and break off the relationship.

The thing is, however J feels, you can’t unfuck your ex, and…J has stuck around for five months.If it’s that big a deal, he should have just walked away at the time instead of using your guilt as leverage, but you really have nothing to feel guilty about.Sorry that he’s upset, sure, but again: five months.He needs to get over it.Or not, but he can’t really expect you to stick around when he’s stated that a past action of yours, which you can’t undo and which isn’t really reasonable of him to blame you for because you had not discussed it, has rendered him unable to love you.Because that’s emotional blackmail, and it’s tied into a bunch of icky shit about how girls are “supposed to” conduct our sexual lives that, frankly, he needs to lose because it’s nearly 2006.

Tell him you’re sorry he’s still smarting over that, but that if he can’t forgive you — meaning now, today — you’re walking, because you’re tired of the judgment and the drama, especially if he’s not going to return your feelings over a technicality.Mean it, too, because…grow up, J, God.

I was recently hired for an
awesome job — I will be the front page designer/editor for a daily newspaper
outside of a major Texas city. I start in about three weeks.

The problem is, my boyfriend of four years, who is also graduating in
December, hasn’t even begun to actively look for a job yet. He, the
perpetual procrastinator, promised me he wouldn’t postpone the job search.
But he hasn’t even put together a resume yet, much less begun sending out
applications. He’s interested in corporate management, and I’m worried this
job search will be prolonged because the field is competitive and he seems
to think it will just fall in his lap. While he is very smart and talented,
his grades aren’t exactly perfect, and he doesn’t seem to acknowledge the
caliber of competitors he’ll be facing for entry-level corporate management
jobs.

When I bring it up, my man of notoriously few words just seems to brush my
concerns off. He doesn’t tell me more than he thinks is necessary (he’s
never been the kind of guy to talk at length about anything with anyone) and
he is so non-confrontational. He thinks I’m being critical and bitchy. In
reality, at least in my opinion, I just want him to find a job so we can
begin our lives together. I want him to be happy, not having to move back
with Mom and Dad until this perfect job falls miraculously in his lap.

I am so excited about my new job, and he seems to be happy for me. I just
don’t know how to process all of this. If he had been applying for jobs and
just hadn’t found anything yet, I wouldn’t be upset. It’s the total lack of
effort that just irritates the hell out of me. I guess I just hoped when it
came to really important things, he wouldn’t continue to procrastinate.

What’s your advice on this situation? Should I leave it alone and let him do
things in his own time? Should I push some more and give him the major kick
in the ass he so desperately needs?

Thanks,
Frustrated, irritated, and upset as hell

Dear Frustrated,

Leave it.

First of all, you can’t change the guy.He’s a procrastinator.It drives you bazoo.I understand how maddening it is to deal with that, but — this is not going to be the last time this difference in life-management style comes up between you two.So, yeah, you could lit a fire under his ass, but the minute you take a break on the bellows, he’s going to go back to his natural state, and you’re going to be annoyed again.

Second of all, people have various reasons for procrastinating and dicking around and just generally not having a ton of drive, but it’s almost never out of a stated desire to annoy others.With that said…I don’t think having his girlfriend boss him is the motivation he’s looking for here.He’s got a mom; that’s not a role you want, because…well, see above re: the job never ending, and also, you want a partner, not a ward.If he doesn’t have his shit together, he doesn’t, and you need to base your decisions about him and your life together on what is, not on what could be if you were the boss of him.Which, really,you aren’t.I mean, you already know he thinks you’re “being bitchy and critical” — because you keep telling him that what he does and how he is aren’t good enough for you.

Which may be true, in fact, and that’s fine, if that’s the case.But: He is not you.You want him “to be happy,” but that won’t necessarily come from the same achievements and motivations that make you happy.Either accept that this is how he rolls, or walk, but you’re going to start your job and your new life, and either he’s going to circle up his defense and get in the game or he’s not.But you can’t nag him into doing it; it’s a temporary solution that will just make him resent you.

Sars,

My sister Lou Lou has always been a grump.She’s the sort to bitch out
a salesperson for little reason, gripe about a sunny day, wrinkle her
nose over the taste of water, and…you get the drift.I am the laid
back, half-glass-full sister.Our older sister, Kumbaya, is the
earth-mother-hippie-dippy type.We live in different cities but have
always kept close through visits, phone calls, and email.We enjoy each
other for who we are, forgive each other for our faults, and love each
other.

Lou Lou is in her early 40s and was experiencing what she thought were
pre-menopausal symptoms.She gained a lot of weight, was depressed,
flew into angry rages at the drop of a hat, and her overall grumpiness
was magnified by a thousand.After much urging she went to the doctor
who told her she was not pre-menopausal and began testing her for all
sorts of other things. While this was going on, Kumbaya and I kept in
close contact and offered positive support.As far as I know, they have
not pinpointed what is actually wrong with her.

This summer we were together for a family visit.Everyone was there —
kids, siblings, parents, and cousins.Most of the kids know better and
pretty much stayed away from Lou Lou, but my 12-year-old son just didn’t
get it.In his own very awkward way, he tried joking with her and it
all blew up.She ended up raising her voice and her fist at him.She
did not strike him.I removed him from the situation and asked her to
calm down and not threaten my son again.She laughed it off and said
she wasn’t going to hit him.I’m not so sure.

I talked to my son about it and explained the problems she was having
and that sometimes we have to have patience, and blah blah blah.The
end of the discussion was something to the effect of “Stay away from
Aunt Lou Lou.”The rest of the visit went okay and if that was the end
of the story, I wouldn’t be writing to you.

A month or so later my sisters and I went on a prearranged trip.
Kumbaya and I were wary, but we went anyway and it was awful.She was
rude, mean, bitchy, and she spoiled what could have been a fun time
together.Did I forget to mention that my son was also with us?She
was horrible to him and hateful to me and Kumbaya.At the end of the
trip we could not get out of Dodge fast enough.

Kumbaya and I were shell-shocked.I mean, we knew she wasn’t in the
best place emotionally, but it was B-A-D.Lesson learned for both of us
— we will never do that again.

Since the trip I have avoided her calls (two) and emails (plenty).I
can’t trust myself to communicate with her without going off in a
screaming tizzy.On the other hand, I think she needs help and
support.She’s my sister and she’s having a bad time.I love her and I
want to help, but not at the price of my sanity or my son’s safety.

So, do I call her and tell her how I feel?Do I write her a letter?Do
I do nothing at all and the next time I see her just pretend it didn’t
happen?

Thanks,
She Sucked the Happy Out of my Glass of Water

Dear Sucked,

I think your best bet is to tell her pretty much exactly what you’ve just told me.You love her and you always will, but her behavior in these two instances was unacceptable — her treatment of your son was way over the line, she made everyone around her miserable on the trip, and you will not expose yourself to her corrosive behavior anymore.You know she’s having a bad time, but she needs to get help for that, and she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, to wit: you’re very angry with her, you don’t want to spend time with her for a while, and you will get over it but you don’t know when that will be.

Because she sounds…disordered to me.She sounds like she’s depressed, or anxious, or something, but she is a grown woman and she needs to look into that on her own, and to refrain from behaving in an emotionally abusive way.Reasons are not excuses.

She needs to hear that you’re angry and hurt.Tell her so.It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, and if she’s not able to distinguish the difference between “your behavior is shitty” and “I hate you,” well, she’ll have to learn, starting now.

Hi Sars,

Quick pronunciation question. “CAR-negie” or “Car-NAY-gie”?

I hear it both ways, and I never know which is correct. I could dial Carnegie Mellon and hang up after the operator says the name, but this saves me the L.D. charges.

Thanks!

Signed,
Looking for Carnegie Hall

Dear Practice Practice Practice,

I went to a university with a Lake Carnegie; we pronounced it “CAR-negie,” and our history teacher in high school pronounced it “CAR-negie” during our robber-barons unit, too.

But!According to the 11C’s biographical-name listing, “Car-NAY-gie” is preferred, although it lists both pronunciations.Interesting.I’m still pronouncing it the first way, though, because the second sounds pretentious to me.

Sars,

My question has to do with small talk.You know, that party conversation you make with relatives you only see once a year or people you’ve never met before and will probably never talk to again, but you still want to make a good impression because they will either say to your friends, “Oh that Sarah seems like such a wonderful young woman!” or, “Wow, talking to her really blew.”My boyfriend (T) has a problem with that kind of conversation.He’s normally a really quiet guy around strangers (a wonderful person and great storyteller once he gets to know you) and will answer a question from a stranger about how his job is going with a simple, “Fine.”Dead end, that’s it.

The problem is that I’ve recently started a new job in a very small office and our Christmas party is fast approaching.T and I have been dating for two years, I talk about him all the time, and I don’t want him to end up standing in the corner by himself at this party because he’s shy and doesn’t know any of the guests.I’m certainly not worried about being embarrassed by him (he’s not the type to get drunk and yell things at my boss) but because I love him so much and he’s such an important part of my life, I really want people in my office to see at least a little bit of how great he is.

My theory of party conversation is to be the one asking all the questions; in general, people love talking about themselves.Going on this theory, I want to come up with a list of ten or so innocuous, preliminary, conversation-starting questions: “So, where do you work?”, “Where did you grow up?”, et cetera.I can trust T to ask follow-up questions and maybe he’ll even hit it off with someone at the party and the conversation will grow its own wings, but it’d be great for him to have enough fodder to keep something alive for 20 minutes in case that doesn’t happen.

Do you have any suggestions of relatively failsafe questions that have worked well for you in the past, or tips that I could give T?I know this seems like common sense but I’m more of the wing-it type and have not had much luck compiling or giving him advice as we are so different in our approach to small talk.Any help would be so greatly appreciated.

He’s Reserved, I Tend to Be Verbose

Dear And Kind Of A Micromanager,

…I’m sorry.But…you’re talking about scripting your boyfriend for a Christmas party.I know you didn’t ask me whether I thought it was a good idea, but honestly, from a relationship standpoint?When he didn’t ask you to do this for him, and when it’s really more about you wanting him to impress your office-mates than it is about making T comfortable?I don’t.It’s…over-involved.

And this is not T’s forte, so the questions you give him are going to sound stilted and weird anyway.”Where did you grow up”?At an office party, when it’s not organic to the conversation?If anything, I’d advise him just to ask follow-up questions based on what people have said, but he’s still going to sound kind of coached; if he runs out of things to say, let him.Not everyone is good at natural party chatter.If he doesn’t have anything organic to say about the cheese platter or your local sports teams, well, he doesn’t, but presumably he’s used to being reserved and isn’t going to burst into tears and flee the room if he isn’t the center of a joke-telling circle.

I know you’re just trying to help, trying to put T at his best advantage, but again, I think this is more about you than it is about him.Brief him on your officemates’ likes and interests, if you like, but don’t give him a script.He’s a voting adult.

[12/13/05]

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