Hi Sars,

I need a bit of a point in the right direction, and from what I’ve seen you’re the person who can probably come up with the right way to go.

Six months ago, my best friend decided that she no longer wanted anything to do with me because I was dating a man she didn’t approve of (he is friends with someone she hates, therefore in her eyes evil too).I discovered just after that I was pregnant and told her of that, still trying to keep in touch, as I wanted to save the friendship with her, and got a reply of “big deal.”I lost the baby three weeks later, and other than my soon-to-be-husband had no close form of support, as she did not reply when I told her.I sent her a card for her birthday, no response.I sent one for her son’s birthday, no response.I cried…I gave up.

Yesterday I got a text message from her that can only be called the guilt trip from hell.Basically she called me all the bad bitches under the sun for not being there for her over the last three months when she was pregnant (and banned the rest of my friends from telling me), lost her baby, and discovered her mother had cancer.How was I supposed to be there when she didn’t want me around and told my friends that they were not to say anything about her to me?Why should I have been there after she dumped me when I really needed her?What am I supposed to do now?

Help me, Sars, I really don’t know what to do.

Hurt and confused

Dear Hurt,

“Do”?There’s nothing to do.She’s a bitch.She’s a bad friend.She’s delusional.

Don’t respond.No good can come of it.She’ll think what she wants; she’ll trash about you to your friends.She’s talked herself into believing that she’s in the right here.You can’t stop her, but you don’t have to deal with it, so don’t.

Bottom line?She’s fucking crazy.Don’t engage her.

Dear Sars,

Kind of a strange question: I am a sophomore in college, and at the beginning of this year a close friend and I decided to start dating.He’s wonderful, and the relationship is great; I never regret for a minute changing our relationship.The problem sort of stems from this, as well.

Neither of us is particularly demonstrative emotionally, and I feel in many ways that the emotional side of the relationship has not progressed as well as it should have.I generally hate talking about my feelings, but I wish that we were a little more vocal about our emotions.Sometimes I feel that it’s still on the emotional level of a friendship rather than a relationship.I have had very little previous dating experience, and I am shy of bringing up emotions, even to people I know very well.Is there a way to open up more emotional channels without causing myself or him any discomfort?

Sincerely,
Tongue-tied

Dear Tongue,

Unfortunately, there really isn’t.Talking about emotional stuff is often difficult and embarrassing and painful, and you just have to bite the bullet and do it.

As you get more accustomed to speaking frankly about your feelings, it gets easier.Start slow.Open up a little bit at a time.Tell him how he or the things he does, good and bad, make you feel once in a while.You don’t have to open a vein and bleed all over him; you could begin by talking about emotional stuff that’s not tied to him if that seems easier, like how a paper is stressing you out or how you hate dealing with your mom sometimes — just to get it out there and set a precedent.

But it’s still hard, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you feel uncomfortable and awkward and every word you say is echoing endlessly back in your head — it’s that way for everyone.If you make an effort, though, and try to talk about these things, it’ll start to feel more natural in time.You might mention to your boyfriend that this is how you feel, and that you want to try a little harder in that department, so that it’s not just you, but in time, you’ll get the hang of it.Well, as much as any of us ever does.

[12/14/01]

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