Hi Sars,

You might have answered a similar “just moved to a new city and now my life is an existential mess” question a while back, but hopefully mine’s got a slightly different twist to it…

About half a year ago, I moved from the East Coast (where I grew up) to a Midwestern city, basically because I had liked what I heard about it, I was tired of making highly rational (and ultimately disappointing) decisions, and one day I heard a voice telling me I should just bite the bullet and do it. So I moved here with no job and without knowing anyone here.

Initially everything was great, I loved being on my own, the city is very cool, et cetera. And I did get some temp, short-term jobs, so I’m not really struggling to survive. Nevertheless, as time went on, I found that it’s very difficult to meet anyone here — partly because I’m not that outgoing, and partly because the Midwestern social circles are kinda closed (I guess they get less outsiders). I’ve also realized that I miss my family and old friends way more than I thought I would, and I don’t want to only see them a couple times a year.

Now I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place — between living in a great city but never seeing my family, and being more surrounded by people but in a city I really don’t enjoy. (As you can tell, the place where I live is really important to me; I don’t want to just “put up with” a city that I sincerely don’t enjoy.) I know I could also devote tons of energy and many years to creating a completely new social circle, but that can never replace my real family. Any thoughts on a way out of this? I would really appreciate seeing this situation from a different perspective.

Sincerely,
Don’t Want To Live on the East Coast!

Dear East,

I don’t know that half a year is enough time to spend in a city before definitely giving up on it as a place that’s not for you.I tell people this all the time re: New York, that you have to spend a year here (at least) before it starts to feel like a place that’s yours, but I suspect it’s true of pretty much anyplace.

But if the problem is that you miss your family, and your family lives on the East Coast…I don’t know what you want me to tell you.You’ll have to decide which is more important to you, where you live, or near whom; I can’t really tell you that.For myself, a city where I don’t know anyone is going to have a hard time impressing me with how “very cool” it is, because you can’t go over to a museum’s house to watch American Idol and drink Kir Royales, if you know what I mean.I’d rather surround myself with people I enjoy than with a bunch of cultural opportunities that don’t know my birthday.

But that’s me.Give the city you’re in the rest of the year; see if things don’t start to pink up in a few months.And if they don’t, just come back here.The East Coast is not this monolithic Ministry Of WASPdom; it’s got a whole bunch of different cities, and surely you can find one that’s your speed, and a little closer to your home base.

Sarah,

Please — I need impartial advice in the worst way.
I’m at a loss how to help my daughter.She’s 21,
bright, healthy,
beautiful.Lives at home.Works in a restaurant.
Hasn’t yet
seriously
attempted college, though she occasionally says she
wants to. She’s
sad a
lot of the time, and hates her life.She’s trying to
get traction but
makes
little effort to change anything.

She’s in
counseling, and I’m hoping
it
helps, but hasn’t seemed to yet.She’s got little
self-esteem or
confidence.She will not keep a job for any length of
time, and has at
times quit and lived with friends for as long as
they’ll let her.She
had a
decent little savings account courtesy of Grandma.
Not so any longer,
and
has destroyed her credit as well. On the plus side, as
I said she’s
very
bright, and affectionate and sweet (well, most of the
time).She’s not
into
substance abuse, either, never has been.I’m sure
she’s had the rare
foray
into a little recreational this or that, but
substsance abuse is not
contributing to her ongoing problems.

She has a difficult time staying out of emotional
entanglements which
always
end badly with hurt feelings on one side or another,
but have one
unifying
theme: her romantic partners are almost always
emotional vampires of
one
sort or another — she seems to be drawn to people who
are needy,
manipulative
losers.(And no, I keep my opinions to myself while
she’s in the
middle of
these relationships.)I’ve suggested she try to leave
off having
romances
for a bit and just focus on herself, but that’s
proving difficult,
apparently.

She’s attempted to leave home a couple times and do
things on her own,
but
within no time at all creates dire financial messes
(like teetering on
being
homeless and getting her car repoed), at which point
she comes to me
for
help — and I help her get straightened out, she comes
home or doesn’t,
and
then it starts all over again.I have told her I’m
not doing that any
more — it’s probably hurting more than helping,
unfortunately, but it’s
very
hard to watch.I’m terrified, I guess, that she will
become so
desperate
she will DO something desperate.

She told me last night the reason she’s so passive and
such a doormat
is my
fault.Her dad and I have a pretty placid marriage — we
agree on most
things,
and I’m not one to bring out heavy artillery over
small shit.Neither
is
he.So apparently the fact that she never saw us
bicker and fight the
whole
time she was growing up is what has made her the way
she is.I did
make the
point that getting all up in your mom’s face about how
it’s all her
fault is
hardly the way a passive doormat behaves, but I don’t
know if it meant
much.

Whatever I’ve done wrong, I asked her if it really
matters at this
point?I
mean, if she figures out she’s this way for this
reason or that reason,
does
it change anything?Basically her life is her choice,
and I’m willing
to
turn myself inside out to help, I’ll do anything she
needs me to, but
she’s
got to help herself too, and she’s stuck in neutral.
If she’s happy
working
in a restaurant and not going to school, then fine,
there’s nothing
wrong
with that, but she’s NOT happy.I’ve told her she’s
capable of doing
anything she wants, I’ve told her that her whole life,
but she’s not
hearing me — or if she is, she’s not believing me.I am
flat getting
worn
out.

I know she has to make her own choices, and find her
own way, and I
must be
patient, and I am trying, I really am.I love her
more than my own
life,
though, and it seems to be getting worse.I hate to
see her
floundering
like this. What would you want your mom to do?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried,

What would I want my mom to do?Or what would she do?Because I’d want her to bail me out.And she wouldn’t, because it’s not a long-term solution.And she’d be right.

I mean, it’s hard for me to say, because I don’t think I’d ever find myself in your daughter’s situation — not because I’m so together, obviously, but because my flailing does not take that form.And it’s not that my mother is this Great Buntini type of person who demanded a hundred push-ups every time I broke a water glass or some shit like that.She’s a regular mom, like you.But with very few exceptions, my parents drew a very bright line between helping me with stuff and doing it for me, and I think that at some point this got mixed up in your daughter’s mind — that she relies on your support because she thinks of herself as a helpless person who needs saving all the time.And then you do save her and take her in and cover her shit, and she takes two things away from that: “I don’t have to learn to cope when things are hard,” and “my mother doesn’t think I know how to cope when things are hard.”

I know you’re worried, I know you don’t want her to get into anything dangerous, you love her and you’re trying to protect her, but starting to cut that cord is the best (and probably only) way to teach her the skills she needs.She needs to keep going to counseling and figure out some better strategies for living a happy life, but a big part of that is feeling like she isn’t this sad sack whose mother has to get her out of jams all the time — like you both believe she can handle her shit.Because neither of you just expects her to deal; you both just anticipate that she’s going to keep fucking up.

Stop saving her.If she wants advice, give it — money, she has to earn.If she needs to move back home, fine — but she pays rent.If she gets embroiled with another romantic disaster, you sympathize — but it’s not your job to prevent that from happening or to smooth things over for her when it does happen.You have to love her, and you have to assume that she’s going to get her shit together.

Dear Sars,

I recently started dating this
great guy. It is my first real relationship. We have
now been together for about eight months. This
Christmas will be the first time that gifts will be
exchanged between the two of us (except for small
things like souvenirs from trips).

I want to get him a
fantastic present. However, having never been in a
relationship before, I am not quite sure what to buy
for a guy. He is 23 years old and into technology and
computers. He doesn’t care at all about clothes or
things like that. I’m thinking along the lines of a
really cool gadget. Do you have any ideas?

Signed,
How DO you shop for a man?

Dear Two Words: Sharper Image,

After eight months, you don’t have any idea what to get him?He hasn’t mentioned any particular interests in gaming, gadgets he’s read about — nothing?

Relationship gift-giving is often fraught, it’s true, but I think you’re overthinking this.Get him…something he wants.Something he’s mentioned, something that you think he’d like based on other stuff he owns, something he passed in a store window and admired.

I mean, I could give you a bunch of suggestions — the binary-code watch at uncommongoods.com, a Robo Sapien — but I don’t know the guy; you do.Trust your instincts and try not to worry so much; remember, it’s the thought that counts.

Hi Sars,

I have a problem that I have tried to solve but I’ve come across conflicting advice.My boyfriend, whom I will call E, and I have been together for three years.The problem is not between us, but among us, his friends, and his ex-girlfriend, whom I will call J.

J was E’s “the one” until I came along.They had been broken up for seven or so months when E and I got together.Everything was going well.Then J started popping back into his life, and each time he would tell her he didn’t want to speak to her.She would go away, but then show up again.She basically harassed us, caused us to fight, one time we even broke up for a little while.It was a nightmare, and suffice to say neither one us of likes her very much.

This New Year’s Eve celebration will include my friends as well as E’s friends, two of whom are friends with J.They live two hours away and we rarely see them.They are generally wonderful people.They want to invite J to the celebration.E and I say okay, but I let everyone know that I will be civil and nothing more, and E agrees.Should J say hello to either E or myself, we will say hello back, but nothing more.Neither one of us wishes to speak to, listen to, or be in a conversation with J.We both think this is reasonable, seeing as how we are the ones planning the celebration, reserving an area of the bar, et cetera.

The friends, however, do not agree.They want everyone to be one big happy group, because otherwise it will be Un! Comfortable!Now, we will be in a bar, with about 30 other people, and will have ample opportunity to refill our drinks, go the bathroom, or go to the dance floor should J approach us.And it is not like E or I would be like “J, 10 o’clock, dance floor time!”It would be done tastefully, such as “I need to refill my drink.” “Okay, I’ll come with you” or “Time to dance!”We are not out to hurt people, nor are we out to make things awkward, we just want to have a good time with everyone else and ignore J should she come over to where we are.

Does this sound reasonable to you, or should E and I get over ourselves and be one big happy family?Or should we just not invite the two friends?Or should we just say screw it, we’re not even going?

Thanks for any advice you can give me,
I have no fun signature because I am not creative

Dear Wolfgang Schnickelfritz,

That’ll learn you not to come up with a pseudonym, Wolfie.

I don’t understand why J is invited at all, when you are the ones planning the party and you’re both on the record, understandably, as disliking her and not wanting anything to do with her.For the two friends to insist on her presence is bad enough, but then to whine that everyone has to be BFF?Grow up, folks — not everyone is going to get along.It’s an unfortunate fact of adult life, and it’s pretty rich that they’re worried about Dis! Comfort! when they’ve already stepped in it by dictating who gets invited.

It’s time for the two friends to get that J is not a part of your or E’s life.Should they elect not to come to the party as a result, that’s their choice, but it’s time for everyone to accept the facts of the situation and move on.It’s your party, not a floor vote, and you don’t want J there, so — don’t invite her.The other two can come or not as they see fit, but their attempt to dictate how people get along?Inappropriate, and you should ignore it accordingly.

Hey Sars,

My mum is dying of cancer. Please tell me what to buy her for Christmas.

Need some help on this

Dear Need,

I’m so sorry to hear that.Well, I don’t have much experience in these matters, and also, I don’t know how ill your mum is, but if she’s spending a lot of time in bed at this point, maybe some nice cashmere sleepwear to start off with — a robe or a shawl that’s super-soft and snuggly.

I also don’t know how much she’s feeling like snacking at the moment, but if it were my mother, I’d get her a gift basket of all the snacks she’d feel too guilty to indulge in otherwise — disgustingly fattening chocolates, expensive cheese, caviar, champagne (pink, from a fountain) and strawberries, Fluffernutter makings, whatever your mother is into.

Then I’d put together a gigantic photo album of every picture and program and memory from your lives, and I’d sit with her and look at it and tell her stories about it.Although I guess that would really be a present to myself.

It’s so hard, as of course you know, because whatever you get her…how much will she use it, first of all, but even more than that, it’s the last time you get her a Christmas gift, most likely.So it’s a lot of pressure, and terribly sad as well, and there’s so much else going on…I don’t need to tell you.But I would pick something that we could enjoy together, I think, or something fun and outrageous, which ditto — my family is a pretty blackly humorous outfit, so I’d probably buy her a pony, just because it’s a running gag with us, and we’d drink pink champagne from a fountain and ride the pony in the backyard.

But whatever you get her will be perfect.She knows the position you’re in with it, so just give from your heart.

[12/14/05]

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