Sarah,

I don’t know that there’s an answer to this one, other than quit feeling guilty.But I’m looking for suggestions.

I once had a business partner who rapidly became a very close friend.Too close.Smothering close.I have a family and three kids, and she would want to show up at seven in the morning and “hang out” all day until nine or ten at night.(We ran the business from my home office, but our work hours needn’t have been more than three or four a day.)She didn’t mooch, she brought lunches or fixed them occasionally, she would definitely have done anything I asked (to feel useful and feel like she wasn’t “in the way”), but as much fun as she was to talk to and as much as we had in common, it was like having another spouse.(Besides, though she would have even done housework if I had asked, I hated always having to ask, always having someone ever-present.)My husband was as good-natured about it as could be hoped for, but he pointed out that she was sucking my life away. I was always so very drained after she left, I felt like a zombie.

The partnership had a lot of potential and a big-money client.As the business progressed (in a relatively short span of time), I saw the balance of work shift to the point where I was doing 70, then 80, then 90 percent of the work.Even my “give them the benefit of the doubt” has its limits, and I drew a line in the sand and told her to put up or shut up.If she couldn’t do the work, then there was no sense in having a partnership.She bailed. The business dissolved and I made sure the big client was well taken care of by someone I respected.I was at first angry, then later grew to realize she’d done me a favor to have wigged as early as she had.A few months later would have meant financial catastrophe for my family and as it is, I’m now doing something I truly love and am happy.

Fast forward to five years later.We hadn’t spoken, except for one polite exchange in public, until we ran into each other at the theater a couple of months ago and she opened up that she felt horrible about how she had behaved (the bailing) and how much she missed me and wanted to be friends again.I thought about it and realized I held no resentment, just reservations.She bought me a birthday gift, called often, and generally tried her damnedest to repair the damage she’d done.She’s a good person.

But as much as I enjoy being present in her company and find her still a joy to talk to, I have ended up avoiding her.Her birthday came and went and I didn’t reciprocate.Christmas is obviously near and I feel guilty for not calling her or doing something small-but-nice.I think I’m the one with the problem, but I honestly don’t know what I want to do about it.I like her.She means well.I just don’t want to get absorbed again.Or maybe I’ve just grown too cynical to see any sort of friendships like this working.

So, do I chalk it up to “too much water under the bridge” and blow her off?Have you ever walked away from a decent friendship for your own reasons you didn’t have the heart to articulate?How do you deal with the guilt?Or is that just me being a wuss?

Thanks,
Ambivalent

Dear Ambivalent,

You seem to think that maintaining a relationship with your former partner is an all-or-nothing proposition – that either you never see or speak with her, or she moves in part-and-parcel and occupies all your time.There’s a happy medium here, but you have to set some limits.

Take your former partner out for coffee and tell her that, while you enjoy her company and you don’t bear her any ill will for what went down with the business, you can’t have a friendship with her if she can’t observe boundaries a bit better this time around.You don’t have to say it in a mean way; just tell her that you felt a bit invaded by her constant presence back when she used to spend entire days at your house, and that while you’d love to renew a friendship with her, she has to shift for herself sometimes, because you have a family and other friends and you simply don’t have that much time to devote to one person.

I guess you could continue ducking her calls, but eventually she has to hear why, so you might as well lay it out for her.If she gets offended, well, that’s that, then.But if you genuinely like spending time with her, you should tell her so – but stress that you mean “some time,” not “all your time.”If she starts in with the time-sucking again, tell her that you have things to do and escort her to the door – it’s really that simple.

[12/15/00]

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