Sars,

Wedding etiquette inquiry for you, o wise one.Okay, here’s the deal.I’ve been dating the girlfriend for about a year and a half.We’re not engaged, but pretty much as soon as I find some time to buy a ring we will be.I’m five years out of grad school where I had essentially two best friends, neither of whom have I seen much in the time I’ve been with the girlfriend, due to the craziness and mishegoss of life.

Grad Friend One got married a few months ago.I was invited to the wedding alone.Girlfriend found this to be very rude and classless, and was quite upset.(A little more so than I could comprehend, actually.)I inquired from Grad Friend Two about how the invite played out in case Friend One forgot I was dating someone long-term, since they’d only met once, several months before.Friend Two explained that only fiancees and spouses were invited because there was no more room in the ballroom.Made sense to me.Girlfriend was less understanding, holding on to the notion that if you can’t invite everyone with a date, invite less people or get a bigger place.

Grad Friend Two was engaged at the same time and said they were most likely planning to do the same thing with his invitations.I jokingly said, “Well, if I’m not engaged by then, give me a heads-up before you send out the invites so I can buy a box of Cracker Jacks for one of those plastic rings, because the girlfriend was quite disappointed in the arrangements.”

So today I get the invite for Friend Two’s wedding, and it’s solo.I’m pretty sure I’m going to pass on the wedding.While I understood the first time, this guy knew it was an issue and did the same thing.I’m not mad at him, since it’s my belief that it’s his party and he can invite whomever the hell he wants.BUT, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to go under the circumstances.

My question is, if you agree with that decision, how should I handle it?A simple, “Sorry, can’t make it,” probably won’t suffice.Friend Two will invariably want to know why.If I tell him what’s up, there a several potential negative consequences, including that he might feel bad and put himself out to invite her, potentially causing a rift with others invited sans long-term girlfriend.The other option seems to be ye olde white lie, which, while obviously the easy way, still sticks in my craw a bit.See any other way to deal?Thank you for any assistance you may provide.

No more solo Funky Chickens for me

Dear Funky,

I’d tell your friend the truth.”I can’t come because my girlfriend isn’t invited.”

“But that sounds…lame.”Yeah.It does.Because it is.Look, your girlfriend can be upset if she wants, but I have to wonder why it matters so much to her that she’s invited.She barely knows these people, from what I can tell, but she’s putting you in the position of picking a side — don’t attend, or incur her wrath.What’s up with that?

Well, I think what’s up is that she’s upset because she thinks you might have underplayed the seriousness of the relationship to your friends, or she’s feeling insecure because married couples get preferential treatment in social situations of this ilk, but in any case, she’s not mad that she didn’t get invited per se.She’s mad that her plus-one status wasn’t assumed, and that might not seem like a whole different discussion…but it kind of is.

I mean, I know you love her and you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but…it’s not really up to the bride and groom to validate everyone else’s relationships at the wedding.If they can’t afford to have everyone bring a date, they can’t; these guest-list decisions really aren’t made lightly.I think your girlfriend is kind of making a loyalty issue out of what is actually a logistics issue, and maybe you need to have a talk with her about what’s actually bugging her here, because as it stands, it sounds like you’re not going to another wedding until your own, to her.Which…wouldn’t work for me, but that’s me.

Before you RSVP, talk to your girlfriend.Try to resolve this.

Dear Sars,

My office rates about an 8 out of 10 on the dysfunction scale. Manager has a screaming problem, the beatings will continue until morale improves, blah blah blah fishcakes.

My problem du jour is my co-worker, who I will call Fibbie McLiarson. Fibbie has been telling the boss huge lies about his needs for time off. He’s invented a sick aunt in Louisiana who goes onto her deathbed and therefore must be visited for the last time (sob) whenever he wants to go away during the work week for trips to Disneyland, vacations with his non-working spouse, et cetera. He’s invented airport closures, faked accidents, and probably a few things I don’t even know about.

My manager is also a horrid person, and so I think he deserves Fibbie. Plus how many times can this aunt nearly die? It’s getting like Fred Sanford here. I don’t mind picking up the work slack for Fibbie. (We’re usually bored and doing little here, so actually having work to do is nice.)

What I fear is the day when Manager figures out Fibbie, and then I get called on the carpet for not saying anything about it. If I had any respect for my manager, I’d have at least pointed it out, but evil manager plus pathological liar co-worker equals karma in my mind.

What would Sars do?

Keeping My Mouth Shut

Dear Keep,

Sars would stay out of it unless she had rock-solid proof that Fibbie is lying, and would fight the boredom by looking for another job.

Sars,

So, I wrote to you a few weeks ago with a bridesmaid’s dilemma, but have found a more pressing question for you to answer.Here goes.

I have been dating J for a year and a half now.He’s 23 and works full-time, and I’m 19 and in college.We met three years ago through his ex, but his best friend is marrying my best friend, so the connection lasted after he broke up with her.

Before I met him, he was a bad boy.Did all kinds of drugs, slept with all the girls in his high school, rebelled against authority, lived in group homes.I came into the relationship knowing this, but also understanding that he was no longer that person.Sure, he still smokes pot, but that’s about it.Mostly he works, hunts and fishes.He’s had a good steady job for four years and almost has his journeyman electrician’s license.

We started dating over the summer, and then I left in the fall for school 1000 miles away.We maintained the relationship during my absence, and when I was sexually assaulted at school he arrived at the airport in less than 24 hours, taking a week’s unpaid vacation and spending over $1000 on the plane ticket.He stayed with me for a week, took me out to dinner every night and nursed me when the medication I was given made me sick, did my laundry, arranged for me to meet with my dean, and was there when I needed him.I transferred back to the university in my hometown for various reasons and now we see each other about four days a week.He’s affectionate, playful, and warm, and intensely supportive of my educational and career goals.Lately there’s been talk of moving in together at the end of second semester, and we feel marriage is on the horizon, but he understands that there is to be no marriage till I have a diploma in my hand.

So what’s the problem?

While having lunch in our favorite Greek restaurant he mentions that one of the waitresses who used to work there was a newspaper whore.I ask how he knows this, and he casually mentions that the night before he and his friends went to Ozzfest (gag.) he and one of the guys called her.I thought he was kidding.But no, she came over.Still thinking this is a joke, I say, “Did she serve her intended purpose?”His response: “Well yeah.”

Oh.

“You slept with a prostitute?!?!”I was totally in shock.It was beyond my frame of reference, you know?I had no resources for dealing with it.So we finished our lunches and got in the truck, and I couldn’t stop staring at him.He asked me why I was staring, and what was wrong, and I repeated, “You slept with a prostitute!!!”Then he got really embarrassed, trying to defend himself and saying that lots of people do it.I told him that normal people do not solicit prostitutes, and asked him what possessed him to do such a thing.He wrote it off as “a new experience,” akin to trying Thai for the first time or going to an amusement park.

We didn’t talk about it any more, and that was three days ago.I’m not mad at him, because as he said it was four years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and he’s been tested for STDs twice since then.And he’s made it clear it was a one-time thing, hasn’t happened since and won’t happen again.I also appreciate his honesty, since it took a lot of guts to be truthful about something like that.

So while it still has my brain going, “Huh. Well. Huh.” I’m not dwelling on it and as far as I’m concerned, we’ve moved on.I’m not even morally opposed to prostitution, and in fact I support legalization and regulation of the industry, so that’s not even a big issue.But I don’t think most people want their boyfriends to go to one.

My best friend, who is getting married and thus considers herself the authority on all things relationship, is horrified and appalled.Another close friend doesn’t understand why I’m still with him.So I guess what I want to ask you is if I’m under-reacting.Is this a bigger deal than I’m letting it be?Because it doesn’t seem like it to me, but you don’t find a lot of advice columns about this.I guess I just feel like we need to let the past be in the past, acknowledge it and move on.

So what do you think?

Sincerely,
Supportive of working women

Dear Supportive,

People change a lot between 19 and 23, and it sounds like something from his old life that’s going to stay in the past.He’s disease-free, he didn’t lie about it — I’d be squicked, for a few days, in a sort of “this person used to be The Kind Of Person Who Sleeps With Hookers” way, but then I’d probably get over it.I mean, the fact that you were sort of disbelieving that it actually happened is probably a good sign, right?

“Horrified and appalled”?Dude, come on.I mean, it’s fine for them to be like, “That’s kind of…ew,” but you have to put behavior in context, and from everything else you’ve told me, the context here is that the guy didn’t like his life, so he got his shit together and fixed it — and when it counted, he came through for you, no questions asked.Making a big flap over something he did before you even met, and wouldn’t do again?If your friends have that much free time, send ’em over here to help me pack, is what I’m saying.

It’s in the past.Leave it there and tell your friends to do the same.

Hey Sars,

I have recently begun a new relationship with a wonderful guy — which is apparently the problem.

I’ve noticed that I seem to be sabotaging this relationship. This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever I meet a great guy who is a good person and genuinely likes me and treats me well — I freak the hell out.

My roommate J said to me “wow, you must really like him since you’re acting like a psycho.” J apparently also has this problem. We are intelligent, educated, semi-well-adjusted 26-year-old women who act like total morons the minute we find a decent relationship. What the hell?

Perpetually Single in the South

Dear Single,

It’s hard for me to say what the hell without knowing what form the freaking out takes — are you mean to the guys?Do you just sort of shut down?Cheat on them?What exactly happens?

Regardless, it’s probably fear of intimacy, which probably comes from low self-esteem; that’s usually what prompts a freak-out under these circumstances.If you don’t already have one, why not start a journal and discuss — with yourself — what’s going on?Take situations and conversations apart, try to analyze your feelings and when they started or what prompted them, see if you can’t figure out why a serious relationship hits a panic button for you.

You recognize that you’re doing it; that’s a good start.Now, find out why.Keep a diary or visit a therapist a few times and see where it comes from.

Sars, o eloquent wielder of the pen,

I have writer’s block.Not your ordinary writer’s block, you see this writer’s block is called college.

Before I go any further, I must mention that I write recreationally.It is neither a part of major nor am I planning to base a career on it (although that would be nice).I write because it is fun and the feeling I get when I write fiction is more spectacular then anything else I have experienced so far in my life (note: still a virgin).

The only thing is that I just can’t seem to fit it into my college lifestyle.Classes are extremely demanding and I usually find myself working well into the wee hours of the night to complete all of my assignments.When I do have spare time, I usually want to spend time with my friends since doing homework is such a solitary activity that I am dying for some human contact.On top of that, whenever I do make time to sit down and write, I usually blank out, end up getting frustrated with myself, and run out of time.Yet, when I return home for breaks, pages upon pages just pour out of me.

Overall, my question is, do you have any suggestions to alleviate this dilemma?I am having the time of my life here at school, but I want to fit writing in as well.It’s getting to the point that I am afraid to take the creative writing class offered at my school since I am pretty much convinced that I will be unable to write anything for it.

Thanks so much!

Squashed by Endless Mounds of Homework

P.S.I was wondering, is there any ideal time of the year to submit either short stories or a manuscript to publishers?The only time I have to do so is over my winter break.

Dear Squash,

Well, you might consider taking a somewhat lighter course load, to leave yourself more free time, but if you’re writing recreationally and it’s not something you “have to” do, don’t beat yourself up for not having time to do it — just do it when you can and enjoy it then.

If it is something you want to make more time for, set aside an hour or two a week, or do it as a study break for fifteen minutes a day, but otherwise, just look forward to it when you go on break, and don’t stress yourself out about it.

As far as an ideal time of year — I don’t think so.It depends on where and what you’re submitting, but picking out a few contests with deadlines around now might help focus you.Or browse around Chicklit’s library and see if you find anything useful there.

[12/15/04]

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