I have a question that’s sort of the opposite of a
question in a recent Vine.The person asked
if she should make an effort to engage in asking more
questions during conversations.My question is, what
do you do when you have a friend who has the exact
opposite problem?

I have a friend who is near and
dear to me, but is constantly asking me questions
about my personal life and about the lives of our
mutual friends.The questions about my personal life
I’ll usually answer, but when she starts asking (which
is actually a nice way of saying “grilling”) me about
my roommate or other friends we share, I don’t feel
comfortable divulging everything that’s said.And it’s
not just me she does this with, other friends have
said similar things about her, even friends of mine
who have met her for the first time have commented on
it.Is there a polite way of telling her to butt out?

Thanks,
There’s Interested and Then There’s Nosy

Dear Interested,

“What are you, trying out for the school paper?”Then change the subject.

People who don’t get that the questions they’re asking are inappropriate also don’t tend to get hints to that effect; you might have to be a little snarky to get your point across.Or you could just tell her you don’t feel comfortable telling tales out of school, so if she wants information about those other people, she should ask them herself.

“Social interviewers” can be tough to deal with, because they’re usually nice about it and you feel bad rebuffing someone who takes an interest in you, but if she’s making you feel awkward, she needs to hear that, and quit it.

So, I was reading the Lost recap today, and besides the fact that I don’t
think [SPOILER REMOVED FOR THE SENSITIVE]…

Where does the phrase “gun in the first act goes off in the third” come
from? What does it even mean? I know you use it in a different context (with
the [SPOILER AGAIN]) but I’ve heard it a couple of times and I can’t
really figure it out. I did a quick Google-pedia search and…nothing.

Thanks!
A Guy Made of Corpses with Bolts in his Neck

Dear Frank,

Where it comes from exactly, I’m not sure; I think it’s Chekov, and the original expression is something like “if there’s a pistol on the wall in the first act, it will go off in the third.”Basically, it means that if the playwright shows the audience a gun in the first act, she does so for a reason, namely that it’s going to become part of the story.

The expression has come to apply not just to actual, physical guns but to anything a writer shows her reader or audience early in the story.In a more general sense, it’s about narrative clarity and whether the writer has a plan, and you often hear it phrased as “if you show us a gun in the first act, it had better go off in the third,” i.e. don’t give the audience information that isn’t followed up, or because you can.Know your plot and drive it; don’t clutter up the story.

The reason I would make a comment like that about Lost is probably clear; the writers often seem like they’re setting up more mysteries and hiding in characters’ backstories rather than moving towards a conclusion, so often they show us a gun and then it doesn’t go off until a season later, or there are two dozen guns littered around the set and instead of firing one, they just…add more guns.

Anyway.Bottom line: it’s a story-structure reference.

Sars,

I am in a newly formed relationship with a smart, sweet wonderful woman. This has been going on for about two months.I have had a series of rather abusive women prior to the new gal (let’s call her M).

Over the past two weeks M has shut down emotionally, and swears it has nothing to do with me.Finally she calls me and we talk, she is open and frank, says her feelings have not changed for me, but she feels like she has nothing to offer the relationship, because of her depression.I ask her if she wants to break up, and she says not really, but is afraid of what she can or can’t give.I say that is okay, if this is what she needs to do, I understand.I do understand.I mean she and I are both adults, and I will feel a bit regected and hurt, but will lick my wounds and recover.She says no, she doesn’t want to end it, she just feels horrible that she is not interested in sex and all that because she is depressed.

So I tell her, “Listen, I am not in this for the sex, but because I care about you, I am here.”I further tell her that if she doesn’t want to break up, I will not pursue anything physical with her until she signals that she is ready again.That way I don’t constantly feel rejected (I mean, even if the no sex is not about me, it still feels like rejection, human nature), and she does not feel pressured.She says that is great, and again reminds me that she loves me and is sorry that she is not able to be more present.

Point/question: Am I being a fool? I mean, she is this funny, smart, brilliant woman, who is constantly nice and sweet to me and everyone around her.I have never met anyone who I feel so in tune with.But is this the classic “relationships can’t really go backwards”?This relationship is still pretty new, and I don’t want to be naive, but I think I would be a fool to walk away from someone who is so great simply because she is going through some emotional issues.

Thanks,
Not all who wander are lost, but I might have a faulty sense of direction

Dear Wander,

She’s funny, smart, brilliant, nice, sweet…fine.She also shut down on you for two weeks before she told you what was going on, and she doesn’t want to sleep with you until…you don’t know when.Depression is difficult, and it isn’t her fault, or yours, but you’ve only been together for two months, and a quarter of that time, you spent wondering what was going on with her.Now, you’ve agreed to a sexual hiatus until she gets her act together — when is that going to be, exactly?Is she in counseling?Is she going on meds?

I probably sound extremely hard-hearted here, and I don’t mean to blow off M or her problems as not worth your time; I know what depression is like, I know what dating a depressed person is like, and it’s hard to know what to do.But relationships kind of can’t go backwards, not without some sort of framework; it’s good of you to want to stick with it, and of course you hope she comes out of it and goes back to her old self eventually, but how long are you going to wait for that to happen?And more importantly, why?I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but you mention these abusive past relationships, and it does make me wonder whether you’re putting yourself in a position with M that seems different from those past relationships, but…really isn’t all that different.Because once again, you’d be…settling, kind of.Taking less than you deserve.In the prior instances, it was less respect for you; in this case, it’s less involvement and less intimacy.

I think that’s a pattern worth looking at.I’m sure M is a lovely person; that isn’t the point.We all have to roll with the punches when the people we love go through hard times; that isn’t the point either.The point is that it’s okay to look at a situation, realize that it doesn’t make you happy in any real way, and remove yourself from it.Not that your feelings aren’t genuine or intense, but after two months, I just don’t know if this warrants your donning a hair shirt already, particularly when you might have a history of not valuing yourself in relationships.

So…for right now, maybe just…see.See how it feels with M, and see if she’s taking steps to get better and recommit to the relationship (it may not be her focus right now, but you shouldn’t lose sight of yourself here).And if it’s just kind of sad and anxiety-inducing and you’re not getting what you need?Leave it.

I am an English teacher, but I cannot find an answer to the following
grammar question: Does the ending punctuation ALWAYS go inside quotation
marks?For instance, let’s say that I’m using sarcasm in print.I want to
talk about how someone is being “sincere” and “honest”.Since I’m using
those quotation marks to indicate something in a particular context, rather
than in an actual “someone said this” sense, do the normal punctuation rules
apply?Should the sentence above have the period inside the quotation marks
for “honest” rather than outside the marks?

Thanks,
Missing a Period

Dear Missing,

Yes, it should.And you should grab a copy of the Garner; he answers most questions like yours and would make a super-handy resource for a teacher.

Hello Sars,

Love you and love The Vine. I’ve been reading for five years. I’m jealous of the great relationship you have with Mr. Stupidhead.

Family ahoy! I’ve recently moved back in with my family for a short while. In the time I’ve been here in the sweet bosom of a full fridge and great TV, there arose a problem (shock!). With my brother, who I love but have always had a contentious relationship with.

He’s so fucking aggressive. He never shuts up and wants to debate about everything. Now I love a good debate, but he does it so assholishly and with such a prosecutorial and dickish tone of voice.

His friends and other people always tell him this and I just want to help him get along in the world. I know he probably won’t listen to me — I’ve tried explaining how his tone affects me and how it makes people feel. But he doesn’t understand and just brushes it off.

How do you politely tell someone to tone down the jerkiness? Especially when they’re good people otherwise?

Thanks for your help,
Hectoring Brother Be Gone

Dear Hec Bro,

It sounds like you already tried “politely tell” — how about switching gears to “telling, then following up with some consequences”?

Tell him you love him, and you like talking to him, but you don’t appreciate his aggressive, dickheaded tone, and in the future, when he adopts that tone, you’ll be ending the conversation.Then do it.Even if he doesn’t learn — and that pompous type often doesn’t — at least you’re out of the situation.

Don’t make it about “helping him get along in the world” — that’s just as condescending as he is obnoxious.Make it about his ability to get along with you.

[12/15/05]

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