A question for the Grammar Goddess:

I work in chemistry lab, and we have a softball team called “The Degenerate HOMOs.”

This is really funny if you’re a chemist, I promise.

Anyway, my question regards the HOMO bit. It’s an acronym, of course (Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital, in case you care) but it’s never, ever written with periods between each letter, and it’s pronounced “homo.” Our current team captain insists that it should be “Degenerate HOMO’s.”He says that the apostophe is necessary because it’s an acronym, but I say because it’s an acronym that is most commonly used as a word (like “scuba”) then it doesn’t need an apostrophe. So who’s right?

I tried asking some of the senior chemists around here about it, but the minute you say “grammar” in front of them their eyes glaze over, which is why I proofread everybody’s papers. Anyway…help!

Quickly, Before He Makes T-Shirts!

Dear Quickly,

You’re right, he’s wrong.You can find more detail here.

I wanted to get your opinion on this because everyone I know just basically agrees with me about this situation and has no ideas on how to make it better.

Basically, my sister hates my boyfriend and tries to use it to cause problems in our family.I have been dating this person for three years now and am very happy in the relationship.About two years ago my sister was in town and they were introduced.My sister and I have never really gotten along, we are just very different personalities, normally I just make nice with her and keep quiet when she flies off the handle (we don’t see each other very often).Anyway, when she was in town I didn’t think twice about introducing her to my boyfriend; all of my friends love him and he is very easygoing.

At some point during this night that they met, while everyone was shitfaced drunk, he made some comment to her about how I have “told him a lot about her” and she took it completely the wrong way.She took it to mean that I had said bad things to him about her.Which was not true and I told her it was not true and not what he intended.I just assumed that she was mad because she was drunk and would get over it in the morning.This did not happen.She continues to hold a grudge.

My boyfriend has apologized profusely for the misunderstanding numerous times and has been very adult about the situation, trying to get along with her so that it’s easier for everyone else.I tried to introduce them again about a year ago after sitting down and talking with her about how everyone is sorry, explaining that he is not going away, and that I would like her to be a part of my life.When introduced the second time, HER boyfriend decided to champion some sort of “cause” he has taken up for her and he turned his back on Tim (my boyfriend) instead of shaking Tim’s hand.Tim, for a second time, just ignored it and did not react to their awful behavior.

At that point I basically just gave up on my sister completely.I am still polite to her at family functions but I have no real desire to be her friend.The problem is, next month my parents have invited us all to meet them in New Orleans.My mother believes that if everyone is in the same place my sister will get over her issues.Not only is my sister going to be there but her awful boyfriend (who turned his back on Tim) is also going to be there.I truly, truly do not want to go to this event but it will hurt my parents’ feelings if we do not show up.

The question is, how do Tim and I make it through the weekend with these people?I can swallow my pride a bit and try to make nice but I am truly worried about what will happen if she and her boyfriend are openly rude to Tim again.But I am also very close with my parents and they have a great relationship with Tim, I do not want to hurt that relationship.Do you have any suggestions on how I can make it through this and keep my family intact?All I can think of right now is how badly the weekend is going to suck…

Thanks,
S

Dear S,

You might make it clear to your parents ahead of time that, while you’ll do your best to remain civil and friendly and so will Tim, you’ve beyond had it with your sister’s refusal to dial down the drama — and that if she or her boyfriend are openly rude to either of you again, this weekend is the last time you’ll be putting yourself or Tim in the position of dealing with it.You love them, you want to spend time with them, you want everyone to get along and you know that’s what they want too — but you have your limits, and if your sister’s going to be a princess, they can have her.

I don’t think I understand why your parents haven’t told her to get over it, but they should — and if they don’t, or won’t, it’s time to start giving that some consequences.Your sister is doing this to get attention; it’s working; enough.

Dear Sars,

My fiance and I have been together in this…on-again, off-again kind
of relationship for almost two years.When we’re together, we’re
amazing, but I live in Germany right now and he’s in Alabama, and it
has been the distance between us that has caused the off-again parts.

Well, back in May we went on a “break.”It was his idea.I accepted,
because what could I do?He told me that it was not because he wanted
to date anyone else, but because he felt he couldn’t be a good
person for me right then.

Let me also add that at this time, he had moved in with his friends
Kelly and Derek.Kelly, who I knew had a serious crush on him.So I
made him tell me it wasn’t to be with her.

I dated, or tried to, but every time he found out he made me feel SO
guilty about trying to move on.So I eventually began hiding things
from him.Like a friend of mine kissed me, twice, and stuff like
that.It never went beyond that.And all the while he was laying on
the guilt because I wanted someone to want me.

Well, back in September, things started getting really good for us
again because I stopped hanging out with the friends of mine that he
hated, I stopped going out drinking, and if anyone tried anything and
I shot them down, I told him everything. Istopped hiding things from
him.It was a great feeling.

We decided to get engaged again.And I don’t think I was happier than
when he said he wanted to go off the break and be together, and yes
the distance would be hard for the last eight months while I am in
Germany, but we could get married in March and then I will come to
Alabama, and things will be good.

A couple days ago, he finally admitted that he’d been lying to me all
the times I asked him if he and Kelly were together.They were.
Practically from the beginning of the break, and he didn’t want to tell
me because he knew I would leave him for good.

Now, this wouldn’t really be a big deal except that Kelly made a BIG
deal about befriending me and making me feel like I was a good, close
friend to her.Even though she was lying to me for months.

Well, it’s all out in the open and I have forgiven both Josh and Kelly
but I don’t want to be Kelly’s friend anymore.Josh, I am still
engaged to, but…he won’t make her move out.

He says that if something were still going on, her moving out wouldn’t
make a difference.But he doesn’t seem to be getting why I would be
uncomfortable with them continuing to live together.

Am I wrong in this to want her to move out?Am I wrong to want him
to show his loyalty now to me, now that he wants to devote his future
to me again and he swears nothing is going on?

Seriously.Am I wrong to trust this situation?Is it weird that I am
having TROUBLE trusting this situation?Any advice you have to give
would be helpful.Thanks!

Yours,
Losing my Trust

Dear You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me,

Let’s review.He asked for a break, he fucked Kelly, he lied about it, and…you want Kelly to move out.Because the problem is…Kelly.

Honey…the problem is not Kelly, and the problem is not the distance.The problem is that your so-called fiance is a selfish dipwad with no impulse control who slept with someone else, kept you around as a back-up, and hypocritically freaked out when he thought he might have to taste his own medicine.Neither of you is mature enough to get married, and God knows not to each other.

“But I love him!”Well, stop.Stop feeling so desperate for some kind of relationship that you’ll turn around and blame Kelly for the fact that Josh is a douche.He dicked you over, and you don’t want to admit it because it’s humiliating, but 1. we’ve all been there, and 2. pretending Kelly is the guilty party won’t change the facts.If there’s a ring, give it back.Better yet, put on rubber gloves, bury it in a link of dog shit, and then give it back, and then lose his phone number and start dating again.Because, seriously?Josh is a loser.

Sars,

So I’m teaching English in Japan (as you do) and today, one of my
co-teachers taught the junior-high students that if “the” comes before
a word beginning with a consonant, it is pronounced “thuh,” and if it
comes before a word beginning with a vowel, it is pronounced “thee.”
Thus, “Thuh rain in thee afternoon quickly passed.” Phonetically
speaking, of course.

As a native speaker, I have never heard of this “rule” before. I
tend to believe that it might be a matter of preference or upbringing,
but certainly not a hard-and-fast rule. My speech does include both
pronunciations, but they don’t seem to fall neatly along
consonant/vowel lines (or consonant/vowel sound lines, either). The
teacher said that this is how she was taught, and my Japanese mother
concurs that she was also taught this way. It frustrated me that such
an inconsequential rule was being taught to students who are already
befuddled by the illogic of the English language.

Sars, have you ever heard of this as a rule, perhaps akin to the
“a”/”an” rule? I wanted to assure her that no typical American would
give a second thought to distinguishing the two, but I don’t want to
shoot my mouth off just yet. Thanks.

My school lunch contains octopus (but it’s not bad)

Dear Octopus,

I’ve never heard that rule invoked as a rule, per se, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad rule, generally, or not how the language works.I can’t think of an exception to it off the top of my head, although I’m sure one exists, because it’s English, and there’s always got to be an exception to confuse matters.Still, I think it’s usually true, and a pretty good guideline for people who are just learning the language.

You can assure her that no typical American would distinguish between the two, I suppose, but that’s because, for many typical Americans, it’s automatic.”Thuh fall,” “thee autumn” — we don’t think about which one sounds better.We just say it “right” as a matter of course.But for your students, it’s probably a useful rule, so…I’d just leave it be.

Hi Sars,

I am writing on behalf of myself and my colleagues about a problem we are
having with a co-worker.

We work at a small, publicly-funded counselling agency where we provide
individual and group therapy to clients.We all really love our work and
are proud of our agency.Our problem is that one of the counsellors has a
serious problem with personal hygiene. She stinks…not like a little body
odouryou only notice when you stand too close, but a
rotting-fish-on-the-beach lingering smell that remains even after she
leaves the room.It is appalling.On top of it, this person has no
respect for boundaries and constantly stands too close to you.You are
literally left backing down the hallway during exchanges while she tries to
get closer.We have wondered if it is a medical problem causing the odour,
but it seems clear that it she just doesn’t shower or wash her clothes on a
regular basis.

Several of us have spoken to our manager, who readily acknowledges the
problem, but she claims that she doesn’t know what to do. There is no other
layer of management to appeal to, only a board of directors.

You might be thinking that we should just stay away from her and mind our
own business, but we often have to work with her in groups or couples
sessions, and it’s embarrassing, not to mention just plain unpleasant.We
feel that it reflects poorly on the agency when a counsellor can’t get
their act together enough to shower on a regular basis.

I guess our question is: how do you approach someone regarding such a
personal issue?

It is kind of ironic that an office full of trained counsellors can’t
figure out how to deal with this…

Hope that you can help us…

Group of Seven

Dear Group,

Okay, first, a quick medical sidebar: If she actually smells like rotting fish, showering isn’t going to take care of it.That scent is a signature symptom of bacterial vaginosis, which doesn’t necessarily reflect on the sufferer’s personal hygiene, but it does require a course of antibiotics to get rid of it.

Regardless, whether she’s ill or just needs a shove in the direction of the deodorant aisle, your manager needs to speak with her about it.Managers haaaaate this kind of situation, because it can get them sued, but your team needs to put pressure on her to deal with it — or to find out how to deal with it in a way that’s acceptable from a legal/HR standpoint — because it’s affecting workplace efficiency.Also, if this is an agency that has contact with the public…I mean, come on.She knows it’s a problem; it’s on her to handle it.

If your manager still refuses, you have a few options.You can continue to try to ignore it.You can draw straws, and whoever draws the short one has to talk to your co-worker about the problem (if you use this strategy, the unlucky short-straw holder should clear it with the manager first in order to bulletproof him- or herself against action by the co-worker should it not go well).Or you can use one of those Just A Tip sites to tell her she stinks, which I would not advise, because I think people always know who sent them and it’s just a shitty thing to do to someone.

But your manager needs to step up here.It’s going to suck, but that’s part of managing, and if she won’t do it, maybe that’s what the board needs to hear — not that one of your colleagues smells, but that your manager is so conflict-avoidant that basic problems don’t get addressed.

[12/16/04]

Share!