Hi,

I have been working with this man side-by-side for a few months now.He
started flirting with me, and I thought, well, he’s attractive and that sure
makes me feel nice.We are good friends at work and have long conversations.
I feel intensely attracted to him and I sense that the attraction is mutual.
He touches me and compliments me. He and I are both single parents of
teenage boys.

He asked me to the movies; we went and had a very nice time.
During the movie, he sat with his arms crossed as if he were afraid to touch
me.I am playing it cool, even though I am dying to be in his arms.We haven’t
gone out since then.He works a lot and I know he doesn’t have a lot of time
for dates.

I want to go out with him again, but since we have such a nice
relationship at work, I don’t want to pressure him about the situation.Am I being too reserved about this?

Smouldering here

Dear Smouldering,

I think so, yes.It’s awkward, especially since it’s a guy you know from work, but it’s time to figure out what’s going on, so ask him out and see what he says.

Mention that you had a nice time at the movies, and would he like to see the new Atom Egoyan/go bowling/join you for Thai food/go to a museum next Sunday?You don’t have to make a big deal of it, but don’t leave him open with “sometime” — pick a specific time and see how he reacts.If he seems psyched, well, there you go.If he says he can’t on Sunday but doesn’t suggest another time, again, there you go.

Maybe he’s just busy; maybe he’s waiting to see if you’ll make a move because he’s feeling shy; maybe he’s had second thoughts about dating a woman at work.Hard to say, but you can get a better feel for the sitch by inviting him on a date.

Hi.

“Dave” and I have been married for over two years, we’ve been together
almost eight years, and we’ve known each other and each other’s families
for over thirteen years.Our families live within about a 45-minute
drive from each other, and we live about four hours away from all of
them. My family is pretty close, especially on my mother’s side.There
is a lot of family interaction around the holidays, and there are about
sixteen of us that spend a lot of time together.Dave’s family is much
smaller.He really only sees and communicates with his sister and his
mother.Love his sister. She and I email and chat on the phone, and we
like to hang out with her when we go down to visit.

The issue is Dave’s mother. There has been on-and-off tension between
her and Dave for a few months now and it all boiled over in an angry
phone call on Thanksgiving Day.The gist of the problem, I believe, is
that Dave’s mother feels like he doesn’t put in enough effort regarding
their relationship and that he’s not being a very good son, and his
feeling is that when he does put in effort, all he gets is grief,
disinterest, or a guilt trip from her and he really doesn’t need to put
up with it. Their relationship has been rocky off and on for as long as
I have known Dave.I always vowed not to interfere in his family
relationships, partially because I know his mother hasn’t always cared
for me and I just don’t want to give anyone reason to start that all
over again, and partially because I know I have issues with trying to
manage people, and this is one area where it could really backfire on
me.

One problem is, I need to finish Christmas shopping, and emails to
my MIL are going unanswered.I know that if he called her to apologize
or talk it out, they would work it out before Christmas, but he has no
intention of apologizing or making the first move. I also worry that he
could completely let the relationship go, and it would take a long time
to get it back on track, and that makes me uneasy, as she’s not in great
health.

So what do you think? Do I try and pressure him to make the
first move, or do I leave it alone, buy her a gift certificate, and hope
that Christmas Day at my SIL’s isn’t incredibly awkward?

Dreading Christmas

Dear Dread,

Better to leave it alone.It’s between Dave and his mother.He’s an adult, and presumably, he understands all the factors you’ve mentioned to me, and he’s weighed all the evidence before deciding to blow her off.It’s unfortunate, but it’s his decision.

You might ask him about what you just told me — you need to finish your Christmas shopping, you don’t know quite how to behave come the holiday, and you’d appreciate his counsel on that stuff.Maybe that kind of semi-neutral comment will focus his attention on things, but beyond that, it’s not really your job.

The Dance Of Dave And His Mom began long before you showed up.It’ll probably never stop.Don’t try to cut in; you’ll only get stepped on.If Dave doesn’t have any thoughts on the shopping and what have you, the gift certificate is a good idea.

Sars:

I need help.I work in a really large office, and there are several departments meeting up to mine.And, as in any office situation, we have our share of issues, loud noise, screaming, yelling, et cetera.But my problem is of the odor variety.

The woman who sits across the corridor from me bathes in her perfume.That’s not entirely true; “Miss M” works out at the company gym during lunch and instead of showering, she just covers herself with a very strong perfume.Problem is, I’m allergic.After her workout, I spend the afternoon suffering from headaches, watery eyes, and sometimes a bloody nose.It’s hard to get my work done on some days.

I spoke with her about it, and she said the only reason I said anything to her was because she’s black, and if I say anything to her again, she’s going to go to my boss and to HR about it.Now she gives me dirty looks every time she sees me.I spoke with my boss, and all he said was that I shouldn’t have said anything to her and I’ll have to learn to deal with the smell.It’s not the smell that bothers me; it’s the watery eyes, bloody noses, and headaches.Not to mention the $8 in aspirin I go through a week and the embarrassment of looking like someone’s been beating me up.

What are my options here?

Supporting Excedrin and Kleenex

Dear Excedrin,

If you haven’t already, start documenting everything — every headache, every nosebleed, every conversation you’ve had about the problem with Miss M and/or your boss, every accusation made on either side.

Now go to your boss again and explain that if he won’t get your back with Miss M, you’ll have to go to HR yourself, because the perfume is affecting your performance and creating a hostile work environment.Give him a chance to get off his ass.If he doesn’t, make an appointment with HR that day and start getting notes put into your file.

It isn’t legal for the company not to try to work the problem out between you and Miss M, I don’t think, but you should know going in that 1) you’ll probably have a tough time proving anything, should Miss M choose to fight you; 2) based on her initial reaction, she will in fact choose to fight you; and 3) if she plays the race card again, which seems like a good bet, it will probably trump the allergy card with HR.You should ask yourself whether it’s worth it to embroil yourself in that.

See how it goes with your boss and HR, but if it starts to look like an uphill climb, you should probably consider just quitting and finding another scent-free job.I mean, the whole situation is bullshit, clearly, and it’s not that you don’t have grounds for a complaint, but if it turns into a protracted she-said-she-said thing that creates even more hostility, and your boss won’t stick up for you…not every battle is worth fighting.

[12/17/02]

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