Dear Wing Chun —

I have a small problem. Actually, it’s a big problem in a small apartment. I
am a self-admitted pack rat — I mouse away souvenirs, books, mementos, and
especially paper. Anything that looks even remotely useful or official, I
keep it for years. I have credit card bills and bank statements going back
at least four years, academic paperwork from undergrad (read: eight years
old) and othe rassorted stuff that seems to be relevant, but outdated.

So, here’s my question — how long should I hang on to credit card, phone,
and other bills/statements after they’re paid? What is the statute of
limitations on the amount of paper a sane, reasonable young woman should
have in her 500-square-foot studio apartment? And, finally, what is the best way
to keep all this paper organized and out of the way?

Yours truly,
Looking for the Cheese

Dear Cheese,

Ooh, a pack rat in a small apartment. That is a bad combination.

Once you’ve paid your bills (phone, cable, whatnot), you really only need to keep them for a year. Some people will even say six months is long enough. That’s long enough for you to be able to use them to, for instance, track your spending (see if you’re spending way more on electricity than you were a year ago, whatever), and have them around in case there’s a problem (like if you get overcharged for something). Paperwork related to your tax returns — W-2s, receipts for stuff you wrote off, tuition statements…look, dude, I don’t know from filing your income tax in the U.S., so you can fill in these blanks — should be kept for seven years in case (god forbid) you get audited.

As for organizing your papers, let me ask a larger question: how long has it been since you did a good, thorough “spring cleaning” of your apartment? Because if you already know you’re a pack rat, it’s probably been too long, and in a small apartment, detritus can accumulate so quickly that you may not even notice how much junk you’ve got crammed in there until it’s too late and a pile of newspapers falls over and crushes you. (That’s a worst-case scenario.) Find a less sentimental friend, and offer to buy him or her dinner and a movie in exchange for spending a Saturday afternoon in your apartment as you go through everything — closets, shelves, drawers, cupboards — and get rid of whatever you don’t need. The purpose of having the friend there is so that when you start to come up with excuses for why you still need to keep your school books from Grade 6, your friend can tell you to get a grip and toss them. If you’re having a hard time containing your papers, it may be because too much of your already limited real estate is being taken up with stuff you don’t really need.

Once you’ve taken out all your discarded stuff (whether to the Goodwill, your local library, or eBay), you can reassess the space with a clearer impression of how much there is of it, and what you’re going to use it for. Unless you’re running a business out of your apartment, you should be able to contain all your important papers in a two-drawer file cabinet, perhaps supplemented by an in-tray in which to keep your bills before you pay them. Here’s a hint: if you can’t fit your old undergrad papers into said two-drawer file cabinet, you don’t have room for them. Take them to your mom’s house or get rid of them. You could also get a couple of bankers’ boxes (though empty printer-paper boxes are just as good if you can take a couple from your office) to store tax papers that you can’t throw out, but that you don’t need to have at hand on a regular basis. (If you keep very important papers in your apartment — like wills, stock certificates, your passport — and are concerned about damage and/or theft, you could also invest in a small fireproof lock-box to keep those in, but that’s really only if you’re very paranoid about them, because those lock-boxes can be kind of pricey.)

Finally, take it from someone who’s been there: when you’ve finished paying your bills, file your stubs and statements immediately. They can really pile up before you know it, and in a small space, you can’t afford any clutter.

Hey Sars,

I really enjoy and admire your site.(As do many people I know.)Do
you have any advice for starting up a site like this?(No
competition at all — your site rocks!)

I feel the need to do something to get my writing out there before I
resort to the subway.Plus I want to do for people what you
have…make them laugh and think and generally brighten their
otherwise dreary day.

I’m sure you get these letters all the time.Hey — at least I’m not
begging for a job, although…kidding, kidding.

Thanks for any advice/help you can spare…

Haley

Dear Haley,

Start by getting an account somewhere like Diaryland or Diary-X.Noodle around with the templates until you find a visual scheme you can stand (keep it simple — use a sans-serif font and nice wide margins so it’s easy to read).

Once you’ve got a place to put up your writing, start writing.Set yourself a schedule — every day, three times a week, once a week, whatever — and stick to it.I’ve said it so many times before, and I’ll say it again — at least half of building an audience is consistency.Readers will forgive the occasional lapse in quality if they can depend on finding something new when they click over to your site.

It can take time to build an audience, but if you post entries regularly, make them easy to read (gentle fonts and margins, like I said, plus a spell-check), and commit yourself to the project, eventually people will find you and forward your URL.Good luck!

Sars,

Is there an easy way to distinguish between the appropriate time to use “lie”
vs. “lay”? I am forever confusing these two.

Thanks,
Crystal

Dear Crystal,

There is, actually.

“Lie” is intransitive, meaning it doesn’t require an object.You can lie around or on your bed.”Lay” is transitive, meaning it does require an object, so you can’t lay around; you need a thing to lay (oh, shut up).You lay a book down, or a person to rest.

You could also think of it in terms of people vs. things.People lie; they lay things down.

Hi, Sars. I am happily married with a good job, good-tempered, healthy pets, and supportive family members. So why am I writing?

Sars, I’m too nice. A friend of ours has recently lost his job, and with it his apartment. He has no other friends or family in the area, and I just couldn’t let him live on the streets. So I said, “Hey, come stay with us while you get back on your feet.” I made it very, very clear from the get-go that this was to be a temporary situation and that I expected him to be actively looking for a job. My husband and I have had roommates before, and honestly, the lack of privacy is a strain on our marriage. We have a small house with thin walls, you know? So we are NOT in the market for a roommate; we just couldn’t let a friend go homeless.

Now that he’s lodged in our home, I am not seeing any signs of him looking for a job. He stays up all night playing computer games and watching TV, then sleeps all day instead of riding into town with us to look for a job (he doesn’t have a car). Sure, he says he’s looking, but I haven’t seen any applications, there have been no phone calls. Hell, he doesn’t leave the house! I’m starting to feel heartily taken advantage of, and I’m kicking myself more than a little for taking him in.

How would you handle this situation? I’m inclined to start nagging him hardcore about getting a damn job, but he’s a grown man and I’m not his mother!I want him employed, I want him to get his own place, and get out of my house as soon as possible. But I’m just not sure how to get my point across without a) kicking him to the curb or b) turning into a screeching harpy. Apparently reasonable expectations do not apply here.

Honestly, if I had wanted a teenager I would have had kids.

Thanks for listening, Sars!

A Friend in Need

Dear Need,

He’s a grown man, as you said.He can shift for himself, and he needs to start doing that.In a similar situation, I think I’d allow a few days of lollygagging while he got adjusted, but if a week has gone by and he’s acting like he’s in a hotel…no.

You don’t have to nag him, but you do have to give him an end date, and let him handle that however he chooses.Remind him that, as you’d initially discussed, this is a temporary arrangement — and, pursuant to that, he has two weeks left.You hope he finds a job and a place to live, and you wish him luck, but either way, he’s out in a fortnight.

Don’t argue the point; say what you have to say in a gentle, regretful tone and leave the room.It’s nice of you to have offered, but if he doesn’t have anyone else in town…well, then he’ll have to leave town.It’s your home, he’s not family, and he’s not making an effort, and that’s fine, but he should kick back with the late-night infomercials somewhere else.

Sars,

I’m in my mid-thirties, have a great (amazingly great! super-amazingly
coolishly great!) job, a wonderful group of parents, stepparents,
siblings, friends, and cats, and a happening new niece. I have fun 99.9 percent of
the time, even while “working,” and am pretty much a
happy guy.

So why am I writing? I was watching a movie the other night (don’t even
remember which one) and this song comes on: “You’re
Nobody Till Somebody Loves You.” It got me thinking. It has been years and
years since I had sex, years since I dated anyone, and
quite a while since I met anyone towards whom I was seriously romantically
inclined (and, in fact, that list is one person in the last 5-6
years). Am I fooling myself? Am I not really happy? Or maybe, am I happy
now, but letting myself in for horrible loneliness and
despair later on in life?

A lot of my friends and family seem to think one of those two is true. They
will occasionally sit me down for a talk where they explain
that they are concerned about my being alone and (apparently) not even
looking for anyone. The messages from films, books, TV, and
society in general seem to agree with my friends.

My own instincts, though, tell me that if I’m happy on my own (while
maintaining that I’m not on my own, really — see above about friends
and family and cats and such), I shouldn’t question it. It’s not that I’m not
interested in general (hey, I never went through the girls-are-icky
phase as a boy, and I find a awful lot of the women [and some of the men] I
see physically attractive), but in specific I find that a huge
proportion of people that I meet make great friends material and that’s
all. The few in whom I have been interested were inaccessible
for other reasons.

I don’t think I fear intimacy (though I did get my heart ripped out of my
chest at the end of my last serious relationship), and I don’t think
I’m gun-shy, so I’m asking you to consult your stores of common sense and
intelligence: should I get therapy, get dressed up, and hit a
pick-up scene of some sort? Or should I just keep doing what I do?

A-Romantic

Dear A.,

I think you should just keep doing what you do.It’s not you who thinks the picture is incomplete; it’s other people, and if you feel good about your life, keep living it and don’t worry about what society and TV and your family say.Sure, your family wants what’s best for you — but romance isn’t necessarily what’s best, especially if the only reason you seek it out is because pop culture has told you that you should.

Love is indeed a many-splendored thing — but it has been known to cause just as much loneliness and despair as the single life.Not that you should back tremblingly away from love if it comes your way, by any means, but there’s no one right way to live life, and if you’re happy where you’re at, then just be where you’re at.

[12/17/03]

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