Hi Sars,

My problem is this: Most of my “friends” don’t like my boyfriend. They feel
that he, “C,” isn’t good enough for me.I went to college and now work for a
telecom company; C went to tech school and now works on custom motorcycles.
I love to read; C doesn’t like to read.I like going to the theater; C
likes drag races.

Now, despite these differences, C is a kind man and we get along
wonderfully. There are a few things that he does that irritate me, but I
know that there are things that I do that irritate him, and honestly, isn’t
that the way every relationship is?

I don’t talk about C very often because I don’t want to be one of “those”
girls.You know, the ones that can’t carry on a conversation without
saying, “My boyfriend…[whatever]?”So, when I do mention him, it’s
usually when I am cheesed off about something and need to vent.I’ve
started mentioning the good stuff, but I think it’s too late.

What do I do?I want to be with my friends, but it’s difficult when I can’t
bring along the man I love with and live with.

Thanks, Sars.

Not a snob

Dear Not,

Why can’t you bring him along?Did your friends forbid it?Because if they didn’t, there’s no reason you can’t include him now and then; they can suck it up.And if they did, you need to get new friends.

I assume your friends base their opinion of C on his background and what he does for a living and not on the fact that he’s acted like a dick around them or something.If that’s the case, the next time the subject comes up, tell them you don’t appreciate those kinds of comments — you love C, he treats you well, and you resent having to defend him to them (or to omit him from conversations) because of their snobbish reasoning.

You can find a nicer way to put it, but seriously, unless he mistreats you or behaves like an asshole around your friends, your friends at the very least should show you the courtesy of keeping their misgivings to themselves.Tell them so.

Hi Sars,

I’ve had a rewrite this a few times, as I’m having trouble explaining this
situation without writing an essay, but I’ve made it as short as I can. The
problem is with my sixteen-year-old sister, “Tara.”

A month ago she ran into “Alison,” the sister of an old friend of mine, and
since has been spending a lot of time with Alison and her friends. Alison
has a job at her dad’s business, with the nice income and perks that brings,
so has a nice car, has moved out of home, and has a lot of disposable
income.

Naturally my sister loves all of this. A group of nineteen- and twenty-year-
olds have taken her in; they treat her like she’s their age; she sees the
nice car, the fun parties, the freedom associated with living alone, and she
wants it. She never sees the five days a week of nine-to-five working, or
the bills. She’s been hanging out with them all of the time, every weekend,
often after school, and they’re influencing her quite a bit now. She’s
already immitating their bad grammar and catchphrases.

Before this Tara was a fairly angry teen. She has the usual “you can’t tell
me what to do, I’m old enough to make my own decisions (so long as I have to
do no chores, earn no money and pay no bills)” attitude that many teenagers
have, and would get angry about such burdens as having to do the dishes, or
to tell Mum the contact details of friends/parents when she went out, et cetera.
She’s sixteen and thinks she should be treated like an adult, but doesn’t
think she should start acting like one first.

I understand that’s all not ideal, but fairly normal for teens. However, now
that she’s been hanging out with Alison, things have changed. They treat her
like she’s their age, and so now she won’t accept anything less. She racked
up a big bill on Mum’s mobile, but refuses to relinquish the phone. She
screams bloody murder if Mum ever enters her room for any reason, or if
she’s told she can’t go out with Alison at any time, and she’s starting to
neglect her schoolwork.

Alison and friends have now been telling Tara that these injustices are too
much to bear, and that she should move out of home — probably in with
Alison. She has no income (and balks at the thought of a part-time job), has
a year and a half of high school to go, and completely lacks the maturity
for such a move. In short, Alison and friends don’t understand (or care
about) the effect they’re having on her, and think she can just take
everything like a nineteen-year-old when she really can’t. She constantly
gushes about how cool they all are and how much fun the things they do are,
but it’s all from a sixteen-year-old’s point of view; she never understands
the reality of the situations behind what’s happening, such as how it’s not
“funny” that one of the guys cheated on his girlfriend (who’s a “bitch”) by
sleeping with a drunk fifteen-year-old (also a “bitch”) at a party she went
to.

Tara has it very easily at home; she gets pretty much whatever she wants and
does nothing to help around the house, she has lots of friends her age at
high school, recently lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of self
confidence, but she’s just infatuated with these young adults and their
lifestyle and she’s letting everything else fall apart to cling onto them.
Mum’s reaching breaking point and just doesn’t know what to do. Trying to
discipline Tara or prevent her from seeing Alison would just drive her
closer to wanting to move out with her, but letting things continue as they
are isn’t good either.

Please, any suggestions? I know I wouldn’t listen to anyone telling me I
didn’t know everything at her age, so how can I make her?

Worried Brother

Dear Brother,

You can’t “make her.”First of all, it’s not your job — it’s your mother’s job — and second of all, it’s too late, really.Your sister has gotten away with too much for too long.I mean, my own mother would have put a foot straight up Tara’s ass, but the thing is, my mother wouldn’t have needed to.My parents had certain rules that they’d made crystal-clear from the time we could walk, and we could obey them, or we could take a grounding, period — and we knew that.Your mother isn’t willing to enforce boundaries with Tara for whatever reason, so that’s pretty much that.

Tara has no realistic understanding that actions have consequences.That’s a pity, for her, but again — too late.She’ll have to learn it on her own.I know it’s got you worried, but all you can really do at this point is let Tara know that she can count on you if she needs you, if she needs to talk about something or she can’t handle a situation with her new friends or whatever.

I’d let her move out, to tell you the truth.Better to get the rude awakening over with.

Dear Sars,

I’m usually not one to write to advice columns and such, but my current problem really throws me for a loop.

A while back, I had hit a really awful romantic streak. Huge crush on a guy who toyed with my emotions and made me feel like crap for a very long time. I ended up by an awful stroke of luck going away on a trip with said evil guy. However, while away, I met a wonderful, wonderful guy, SK. He and I are constantly on the same page…similar quirks, similar tastes in movies, books, music…truly amazing chemistry. Only problem being, he and I live 600-something miles apart. We exchanged emails and phone numbers, and have really developed the relationship to the point where I can consider him one of my closest friends. The situation was comfortable…but the phsyical connection was lacking, as it was almost impossible for us to get within proximity.

About a month ago, I met another guy, JB. We too clicked. I was lonely, and I liked him a lot, and saw a great deal of potential in the relationship. I told him about SK, and he was fine with it, so we started dating. I enjoy his company. And the physicality is great. But there’s a problem. A while ago, SK made arrangements to come and stay with me for a week at some point, in order to see fabulous Broadway (he’s an aspiring actor/writer). I do not know what’s going to happen when he’s here. I know I will be tempted — more than tempted — to cheat on JB if we are still together. However, SK isn’t coming for a few more months. So there’s time.

Should I break it off with JB for a one-week fling with SK? Or should I stay together and run the risk of cheating? To be blunt, I care more, and more romantically, about SK then about JB. However, the distance makes it incredibly hard. I am happy with JB, and don’t want to hurt him by abruptly dumping him for another guy…especially one who lives so far away. Thank you very much for your time.

A Tale of Two Cities

Dear Two,

“Stay together and run the risk of cheating”?Cheating isn’t like lightning.It doesn’t just strike.It’s not a matter of chance.If JB expects you to remain faithful, you should remain faithful.

But, you know, it sounds to me like JB’s primary selling point is that he’s physically present.That doesn’t mean you don’t care about him, but if he’s your second choice, you should probably let him go rather than treating him like it, because he deserves better and so do you.If you care that deeply about SK, you should try to work it out with him.Six hundred miles isn’t that far.See what happens.

But whatever you decide…decide.Don’t table it until SK gets there.Don’t string JB along if you know you’ll wind up cheating on him.Make a choice and live with it.

[12/18/02]

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