Here’s the basic situation: a 1200-square-foot house containing two people,
a normal amount of furniture and goods, and 10,000 books.I’m assuming you
already see the problem.We ran out of wall space for bookcases within a
year of moving into this house, and we have books in every room except the
bathroom.We have a hard time finding a given book unless we’ve used it or
seen it recently.(Note: We don’t alphabetize our books, and I’m sure you
can see why.We do organize by genre and subject.For example, science
fiction lives in the computer room, and non-fiction books are split between
the living room and the spare room.)

Measures instituted so far:

1.We only buy books we are sure we’ll want to own — books we’ll need for
reference or professional reasons and books we’ve already read (from the
library, mostly) that we know we’ll want to read again.This has probably
reduced our incoming books to 350/year or so.

2.We’ve doubled up all the paperbacks on the shelves, with the front row
lying down so you can see the back row.

3.We’ve done one massive weeding job, getting rid of all multiple copies
and books we hate, which left us with about 700 books to donate to the
library.We also regularly check the shelves to make sure new multiples or
despised books haven’t snuck in.

4.We’ve replaced all our small and inefficient bookcases with larger ones
that hold the maximum possible number.

But we still have stacks of books everywhere.We don’t want to end up
like a friend of ours, who had to rent an apartment just for his books.

Things that won’t work: moving to a larger house (can’t afford it in this
market), adding an extension (possible in the long-term, but not right now),
not buying books (we’ve tried to do this, but the longest we’ve ever gone is
seven days; Ihave to be practical and say it won’t happen), or storing some
books in boxes (we got rid of the books we didn’t want out; the ones we have
left we want to be close to).

Can this house be saved?

Dear Booky Bookerson,

Others might choke at your figure of 350 books coming into the household each year. I am not among them.

Before you undertake any of my suggestions below (assuming you do!): I know you said you’ve already done a weeding job…but do it again. If you think you can’t be objective enough to do it effectively, do as I suggested in yesterday’s letter, and get a tougher friend to come and help you get real about your library, and give said friend absolute final veto over the process, because you clearly need a firm hand to help you out here. If you only weeded out 700 titles from a collection of 10,000, I think there’s probably still a little room for cuts. And “the ones we have left we want to be close to”? I love books, so I’m not unsympathetic, but they are books, not puppies. Come on. In your heart of hearts, you know you don’t need to have all 10,000 of your books in your home at all times just in case you come home from work on a Wednesday night with the burning desire to re-read Jane Eyre. You know I’m right.

So. Once you’ve done that, here are several suggestions (without knowing your budget) that may work for you:

1. Built-Ins. If your collection is growing to the tune of 350 titles each year, you need a long-term solution for containment. Find a few reputable contractors and solicit several estimates for floor-to-ceiling shelving. Depending on how high your ceilings are, you could even get one of those cool library ladders that I have always coveted. A contractor could also maximize space you might have thought of as useless, like an otherwise unused hallway, or that little bit of space between the top of a doorway and the ceiling. This may be a solution that’s out of your price range…but maybe it’s not, and you won’t know until you get a few estimates. If you’re buying two bookshelves (or so) every year, the investment in built-ins may be worth it in the long run. And if they’re well made and designed to match your trim and everything, they could significantly increase the resale value of your home.

2. Storage Unit. That paragraph where I was telling you to get rid of more of your books? If you spent it scoffing at the idea of letting any of your precious babies go out into the cruel world without you, this solution may be right for you. If you absolutely cannot part permanently with any title you have left, a fair compromise that won’t cramp your style at home is to rent a storage locker and keep your less-used books there.

3. New Shelving Arrangement. I don’t know the layout of your house, so this might not work. But there is a way of setting up shelves — once the wall space is all used up — so that they can function as makeshift walls. If you get backless shelves (I’m thinking of shelves like this one) with wide enough shelf planks, you can set them up to jut out from the wall at a right angle and then put books on both sides, thereby doubling the number of books you can fit on them. If you want to divide a living room into two seating areas, or create a little reading nook in your spare room, you could set up a couple of shelves like this, sticking out from the wall, or “floating” in the middle of a room (or behind a sofa, or something) both to create interest from a design perspective, and to maximize shelving space.

4. Putting Shelves in Unexpected Places. No, not the bathroom. (Well, actually…just kidding: no.) But you can put up floating plank-and-bracket shelves in the kitchen — above the height of the house’s residents, if necessary. You can probably fit a ton of shelves in your dining room — and why not, because, if you’re like most of us, you don’t use it to “dine” in very often anyway.

I really can’t emphasize enough that the most important part of this job is to re-weed your book collection, because…700? That’s nothing. You’re going to have to figure out which is more important to you at this point in your life — your library, intact in its current form, or the comfort of your home — and make some tough decisions going forward.

Hi Sars —

I love TN and am shortly going to be fired for spending too much work time reading the Vine.You seem like a pretty cool tomboy kinda girl, so I think you’re the best person to ask about where the line comes between tomboy and FtM trans and whether I crossed it.

It started when I was about 10 or 11.One day at school they took all the girls aside and told us we were going to get periods.It freaked the hell out of me.I can’t put my finger on what it was that bothered me, but to my ten-year-old brain I figured it was the idea of having all those sanitary pads to dispose of.I was living with my dad and had one day per week with my mum, and my dad’s attitude was basically “All woman have periods, suck it up.”

Now this is where the kiddie logic kicks in.If I had a reason back then, I’ve forgotten it by now.I worried myself sick about it all summer, then went out one day and got my hair cut short.Really short.Shop assistants saying “Can I help you, sir?” short.I refused to wear a skirt for any reason (including my mum’s second wedding) and ignored people who called me Samantha — I would only answer to Sam.I got myself a name for a freak by trying to make a dick for myself out of an empty felt-tip pen.

When I turned 13, I discovered boys and tried without much success to make myself attractive to them.I had the reputation by then, and 13-year-old boys are, well, 13-year-old boys.And a lot of the boy stuff, like football and attitude, stuck, and even at my most feminine no one would accuse me of being femme.

Living with my dad really didn’t help.He had these friends round eating steak and watching blue movies all weekend, and the place just reeked of testosterone.I started aping his friends, and I guess I kind of enjoyed it.It must have been around then that I started wearing boys’ underwear and using men’s deo.

I got grown-up, found myself a boyfriend after a couple of false starts.We like to mess around and do kinky stuff, and one of my favourites is genderfuck — that is, where I pretend I’m the man and he’s the woman.He seems to be okay with that, although he’s always telling me I’m feminine in other situations and won’t hear it when I say I don’t feel the slightest bit feminine.

Anyway, getting slowly to the point.I saw this documentary last summer about FtM and it was like a light bulb came on.I never knew such a thing happened until I saw that; I thought transsexual meant MtF.But I really didn’t think it applied to me, because all the men in the programme thought they were lesbians to begin with and I have only ever liked men.So I figured I was just some freak or something.

Last week, I met this MtF online.I didn’t go looking for her or anything, she just answered a mail I posted to a forum about something completely different.I went to look at her website and discovered she was trans, so I dropped her a line saying, “Hey, loved your website, you look beautiful, oh and by the way I’m the polar opposite of you.”She was nice enough to reply and she thinks I sound like I’m FtM.She thinks I should go explore my boy identity and all that’s wrong with me is nerves.

Well, I’m not sure.I’m having paralysing doubts about cutting my hair short (I grew it out to spectacularly long) so that I can pass better.Let alone doing something irreversible like going on hormones.I want to have babies and all that shit, at least I think I do.I don’t want to turn myself into an imitation man and then decide I’m really just a woman with some fucked-up fantasies.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance, but right now I’m not sure what I want to be reassured of.Am I FtM, or am I just a very tomboyish girl with a serious case of penis envy?

Terminally gender-confused

Dear Term,

If you can, find a counselor or a therapist — one that specializes in gender-spectrum issues would be best, but failing that, just a psychologist — and start discussing these feelings and fears with him.If you ever did decide to make the transition, formally, physically, from female to male, extensive therapy is required anyway; might as well start now.

I can’t say what you “really” are.I don’t know you well enough, and I don’t know the subject well enough to say based on what you’ve told me.I can say, though, that everyone experiences his or her gender in a different way, and that you should try not to stuff yourself into a role that doesn’t fit you — in either direction.You should definitely do some thinking about it, and you should find a professional you trust who can help you do that, but whatever you really are — it’s you, and you shouldn’t make yourself miserable trying to change or define yourself as one thing or the other.

See how you feel after you’ve had a few counseling sessions, if things don’t become clearer.

Hi, Sars.

My love life has fallen into some sort of a bizarre
holding pattern, and I’d like your opinion on the
situation.

Over the past year or so, I’ve dated three different
guys. None of the relationships has lasted longer than
a few weeks. One of the relationships was a
love-at-first-sight affair; the other two were
friendships that morphed into something more. All
three evaporated shortly after we began sleeping
together, in a disturbingly similar way. Basically, no
matter how serious they seemed before, each of these
guys gave me the “hey, baby, we’re just having fun
here” speech as soon as the clothes came off. The last
guy actually gave me this routine while we were IN MY
BED, five minutes after having sex.

I’ve had casual affairs before, and don’t assume
seriousness right off the bat, but at the moment I’m
sort of sick of all that and would really like an
actual boyfriend. (It’s been about four years since
I’ve had one, and in addition to feeling lonely, I’m
also starting to feel a little bit weird.) Some of my
friends have suggested that I sleep with boys too
soon; others have suggested that I need to “roll with
the punches” when that speech comes up, and wait to
see if anything will shake out. I feel that the former
suggestion is rather “Rules Girl” for my tastes, and
the latter seems dishonest. Also, I don’t really
believe that guys ever change their minds after they
give that speech.

I’m taking a break from boys and their foolishness for
the time being, but presumably I’ll start dating again
someday and I’d rather not wind up back in this spot
when I do. Got any suggestions?

Signed,
Boys are stupid

Dear And How,

I think a break is a good idea, and I have two other suggestions.

The first — don’t generalize.The going-to-bed-with-them-too-soon thing?Feh.I mean, yeah, in some situations, it does screw things up.In other situations, it doesn’t matter at all.It depends on the guy.Ditto rolling with the punches if he gives you the “nothing serious” speech — he’s going to change his mind, or he’s not, and if he’s not, well, you move on.But not all guys will react to a situation the same way, and if you see a pattern emerging, you might want to look at what you bring to it — not to blame you for their behavior, obviously, because sometimes it’s just that he’s immature or conflicted and it’s nothing to do with you.But when you keep coming up against the immature and conflicted ones, you might ask yourself if you gravitate towards that, and why.

Which brings me to the second — stop wanting a boyfriend.It’s a natural thing to want, but you have to feel good about not having that, too; you have to feel like it could go either way and you’d do fine, because people can sense that wanting, and a lot of times, it puts them off.

Again, not to blame you for these things, but I think you have to get happy with your own life and not worry so much about whether you can/will find a boyfriend or whether the next guy you take it to the hoop with is going to slam the brakes on.Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but it’s not going to kill you either way, and you have to get to a place where you believe that.

Dear Sars,

Hi, I love your site.How are the cats?So, here’s the deal: My dad got married about a year ago to a pretty nice woman, named Hannah.They got married telling me that she would be moving to my town, but three months after they got married they told me that I would have to move to her place (which is about 45 minutes away from my place).My family moved a lot when I was younger, and when we finally moved to my current place, my dad promised me we would never have to move again.I didn’t make too much of a deal out of the fact that he had broken a promise to me, because we agreed I could go to the same school, so not much would change.

But the thing is, my dad is a drug addict who had been clean for almost five years, but he relapsed three months ago.It brought back all the feelings of the broken promises of the past, and made the ones that he was breaking now hurt more than they normally would.He’s not going back to rehab, and he said he was going to go to meetings, but that only lasted a week at the most.I know he hasn’t relapsed again, but that’s not he point — I don’t trust him, anymore. And I don’t think I’ve ever really truly forgiven him for all the things he’s done in the past.I’m sick of his mistakes, and choices in life affecting my life.

Despite this we’ve had a pretty close relationship, until he got married to Hannah.Like I said Hannah is a nice woman, but she’s also really controlling and my dad has allowed her to change him in small ways that I’m not used to.She doesn’t get my teasing sense of humor that I have with my dad (and well anyone else), so my dad told me not to make those kinds of jokes around her — well, they are always together, and our mocking jokes are really what made us close.

Another thing about Hannah is that she can’t have children and wants one desperately.And I get the impression that she wants me to be her daughter or something like that, but I’m seventeen and I don’t need a mother at this point in my life.She keeps try to pressure me to go to a college around here next year, but I don’t want to, because I’m tired of everything in my life revolving around my family.I accept Hannah as my dad’s wife, and of course will be (or try to be) civil to both of them, but I don’t want to have any kind of personal relationship with her, and I’m just tired of my dad that I don’t want a close relationship with my dad anymore, either.

So I guess this is where I need the advice: Is wrong to want to cut my dad out like this?Should I forgive my dad, and if so how? How do I let Hannah know that I don’t want a close relationship with her without being snotty about it?And really how can I make this next year more civil and bearable when I’m living with two people I really don’t want anything to do with, anymore?

Thank you for the advice,
Confused in California

Dear Cali,

First of all, look up the local Al-Anon or Alateen, or thumb through the yellow pages and look for groups for family members of alcoholics and/or addicts.I think you need a support system, people who are going through or have gone through the same thing and can listen and give you a safe space.

As to your actual questions — no, I don’t think it’s wrong.I don’t have any firsthand experience with it, but it seems to me like looking forward to putting some distance between yourself and a chronically painful and unhappy situation is normal and appropriate.You didn’t choose your father’s addiction, you didn’t choose his new wife or anything about the living situation; it’s time for you to make some choices that make you happy and give you control over things.

With that said, you should probably try to keep the peace while you still live with Hannah and your dad.You don’t have to act fake; just make your own plans for the future and do what you can to avoid conflict.And…sure, forgive your dad, but call him on his shit, too, if need be; the two aren’t mutually exclusive.If Hannah is in your face, point out that, you know, you like her okay, but she’s trying to force a closeness you don’t feel, and she needs to back off a little and let the relationship go where it’s going to go — and she’s not really going to like where it’s going to go, i.e. nowhere, but you don’t have to tell her that.Just get her to ease up until you can get out of there and do your own thing.

Once you do get out of there, you can see how you feel about cutting ties — whether you want to do it permanently or just take a break from the drama for a few months, or a year, or two years.For now, focus on what’s ahead and on your life after you leave the situation.

Sars,

I’ve been spending too many billable hours reading The Vine lately, but
something has been causing anxiety for me for a while now, and I would love
to be bestowed with just a few of your pearls of wisdom.

I met my boyfriend earlier this year, and we got together in July. I knew,
from being friends with him before the relationship started that he had a
serious scorpion defense mechanism happening. He can snap at the littlest
thing — not shouting or theatrics, but sudden harsh words and then
grumpiness/sulkiness. I don’t think it’s a quick temper, though; more of a
“fuck you if you even think about hurting me” thing that he does with
everyone. His defenses (and mine) were quite hard to break down when we
first started testing the dating waters with each other, but that’s part of
the reason our bond is so strong now. He’s also 21, and I’m 23, and I can
see he’s still got some growing up to do.

I have been mostly very happy with him, happier than I’ve been in years,
and he seems to feel the same way. Lately, however, there have been issues
that I think we’re both contributing to. I would just love an outside
opinion on how to deal with them.

I’ve never been the outwardly emotional type, although I admit that I am
oversensitive and take things to heart way too much. When something hurts
my feelings I tend to try not to let anyone see, but I feel awful inside —
sick in the stomach and throat, faster heart rate — and afterwards I feel
totally drained and down. So, when my boyfriend snaps about something, or
gets angry about something I’ve said or done that I had no idea would upset
him, it’s hard for me to deal with. Lately because there have been several
small fights over minor things, I’ve been finding myself on the verge of
tears more often than not. And I’ve really never been a crier at all,
despite the oversensitivity I mentioned above. It’s affecting my work, and
of course, the relationship.

I have a feeling that these are the sorts of things a more adjusted and
less insecure girl would just tell her boyfriend to just get some
perspective on. But when I try to stand up for myself and tell him life’s
too short to argue about the little things, I feel so upset at the idea of
him being unhappy with me that I just cave and apologise, and then he
apologises and feels bad for upsetting me, and we’re both worse off than
before it started. I think part of why I get so upset when he’s angry with
me is my fear of losing him, on top of the stress from a very demanding
job. And sometimes I think he could be more understanding of the way I am
and the stress I’m under. But I don’t feel like my reactions are normal. I
just don’t know what makes me so approval-needy. I don’t want to leave him,
because aside from this issue, we make each other very happy, and he’s the
most special person I’ve ever met.

As I’m writing this, I’m already picturing a response from you littered with
the words “spine” and “backbone.” I know I’m lacking in this regard…how
can I fix it?

Thanks, Sars.

Confused Invertebrate

Dear Invertebrate,

It’s a self-esteem issue.You think you can’t stand up for yourself with him, that he’ll think you’re too much trouble and leave you if you disagree with him, insist that he treat you with respect, have an occasional snappish mood, whatever.

And maybe he would, in which case he sucks, not you — but it’s hard to see that when you feel, on some level, like you aren’t worth fighting for.You should try to get some perspective on that; it’s difficult, but you have to remind yourself that you’re a human being and you’re entitled to your reactions and emotions (well, mostly — you know what I mean).You have to remind yourself that getting angry with him once in a while — or, more importantly, him getting angry with you — is just that: once in a while, and it’ll probably pass.

And you have to remind yourself that, when you don’t stand your ground, you’re teaching him how to treat you.You’re teaching him that he can snap at you and get off with a guilt trip, and that you don’t value yourself enough to tell him that’s not okay.

Again, I know it’s hard when you feel that kind of anxiety, but you can’t live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop like that, trust me.Work on your self-worth; try to get more confident in yourself and your instincts, and try to distinguish between “having an angry reaction” and “sick of you and ready to leave.”Try to figure out why you default to crisis mode over the little things.

[12/18/03]

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