I used to get so angry when people would tell me that they would leave
the country if Bush were to retake the White House. There was no
better way of stopping a conversation dead than by saying, “There’s
always Canada” or making me want to beat you about the face and neck
with a spatula than, “Four years in France sounds like the ideal
vacation to me.”

And now, I’m leaving the country. I don’t think it’s because of the
election — that I can’t stand the thought of fighting for my civil
liberties every minute is neither here nor there (whoa, never thought
I’d say that) — but for other reasons. I’m taking a semester off from
school and teaching English in one of the few countries that won’t
stone me. I needed to make a drastic change in my life and this seems
like the right one to make.

But here comes my question: Should I leave? I don’t want to leave
this country in the hands of faith-based fascists. I got a call from
Greenpeace yesterday asking me to donate again and when I said I was
getting ready to leave the country the phone bank guy said, “So, you
don’t care?” (Briefly — way to keep members, jackass.) If, by
leaving, something I feel I need to do for complicated personal
reasons, am I abandoning my country when it needs me most? Is the
work I could do overseas good enough?

Right, well, thanks, Sars.

R

Dear R,

I don’t love the idea that, because fighting for things is hard, it’s better left undone or for others to do. Not that you said that, and not that it’s an incomprehensible attitude — it is a difficult and bleak prospect. But someone’s got to do it. It’s got to be done.

But leaving the country for a few months to do something worthwhile for yourself, something that will probably both better prepare you to contribute when you return and let you get some perspective, is a fine idea. I’ve got work to do here in the U.S., but if someone told me, “You’re getting a million bucks to write a book but you’ll have to live in London until it’s finished,” well, pass the crisps and a first-class ticket.

It’s not unprincipled of you to leave, if that’s what you’re asking. Just don’t expect everything to be all fixed up when you get back. These things take time.

Hi Sars!

First off, I’m a huge fan. Like you I’ve never put much stock in advice columns, but you seem like a straight shooter. Second, I have a grammar/word usage question.

I have lived in the greater Boston, Massachusetts area for all of my 23 years and am aware that in New England we tend to say things differently (read: wrong to the rest of the world, but hey, it’s the Hub!). My Boston by way of New Jersey English major boyfriend is often alarmed by my quirky (again: most likely incorrect) way of saying things. Since you are an everyday read for us both, we thought you could settle the latest argument.

Often when describing things I will say “real” instead of “really,” as in “Don’t jump on the couch! You could get real hurt” or “I heard the weather was real hot on Marathon Monday.” Now I’m pretty sure this is the wrong way to use the word, but I don’t know where I picked it up. Most of my New England born and bred friends use “real” instead of “really” fairly regularly. The argument isn’t about whether the usage is correct (because we both agree it’s probably wrong) but if this incorrect usage is a New England thing? Thanks so much for your time!

Speechless in Boston

Dear Speechless,

I don’t think it’s a New England thing. I say it (Jersey native); everyone in my neighborhood in Brooklyn says it; everyone in Fargo said it.

For the record, though, here’s the usage note on “real” from the 11C (where it is listed, in the fourth of five definitions, as meaning “VERY”): “Most handbooks consider the adverb real to be informal and more suitable to speech than writing. Our evidence shows these observations to be true in the main, but real is becoming more common in writing of an informal, conversational style. It is used as an intensifier only and is not interchangeable with really except in that use.”

Hey Sars! Thank you for being such a cool person and
letting random people email you for advice. I’ve done
it a couple of times before, and I’ve liked the
answers, so here goes once more. I live in the
suburbs of a medium-sized city in a state that I’m not
overly fond of. I only applied to universities on the
East Coast and abroad, and got into a few of them,
namely NYU. I was excited about this, because I feel
I am a city girl.

However, the last time I visited
NYC was more than a couple of years ago, and I realize
that things have probably changed there. I’m scared,
but I think I can handle it. The problem? My mother.
My dad recently lost his job, and we went from being
very well-off to decently well-off. I got a little
bit of money in scholarships from NYU itself, but
absolutely no financial aid (one of those “we look rich
on paper” deals). Before I even applied, I talked to
my dad about finances and he said it was doable,
though a bit of a stretch.

Now, my mom is FREAKING
out. She says it’s going to cost way too much, and
because it wasn’t my first choice, it’s not worth it.
I think, however, the money thing is just a front. My
mom doesn’t think I can take care of myself. I’m the
baby of the family, and it’s true that I haven’t been
away from home for long periods of time before. But I
think I’m fairly self-assured, and very well-traveled.

However, now my mom has me doubting myself. What if I
really can’t hack it in New York? I would be able to
go to a local college no problem, and could probably
get a full scholarship (I’ve done really well in
school). I also have a boyfriend that I really love
here. I’ve been thinking that I could go to a local
school for a year (I already have enough credits to
transfer in as a sophomore) and then go to my big-city
school…but I just don’t wanna!

Am I just being a
spoiled brat by using up my family’s money? (Okay, so
they paid for my four older siblings to go to
school…that doesn’t mean I’m entitled.) I’m at the
point where I don’t even want to go to school at all
anymore. I feel like I worked soo hard in high school
that to just go to a local school would mean that it
was all for nothing. Ah! I just don’t know…thanks in advance for anything you could say.

The Tuition Check Is Just Sitting There, Mocking Me

Dear Yeah, They Do That,

The way I see it, you have two choices here: You can go to NYU, get a job on the side to help out with the bills, and let your mother cope; or you can take a year off, work, and see where your head is at.

I really would caution you against making decisions based on the boyfriend; at this point in your life, you need to be thinking longer-term about other things. That situation will work out or it won’t, but don’t put it first right now. Think about where you see yourself in five years, or ten, and make your own choices in order to get there.

New York City just isn’t that difficult to manage. It’s busy and expensive and it moves fast, but the vision of it that parents tend to have as this post-apocalyptic crime-‘n’-grime carnival isn’t accurate. NYU is a great school, and if that’s where you want to go, make it happen…but if it isn’t, maybe you should take some time off and get motivated towards something else that you want more.

But leave your boy out of it, and leave your mom out of it. This isn’t their call to make.

Hi Sars,

I have a question regarding the serial comma (which thanks to you and Google I now know is called the “Oxford or Harvard comma”) and proofreading etiquette. Specifically, what is the best way to tell one’s boss that she is a serial comma serial killer? I have been proofing this woman’s stuff for months now and it still crops up in nearly everything she sends my way. Normally, I’d think she just didn’t care that much about an error that I’m going to catch anyway, but she’s starting to get a little snippy with me when I correct it. Her attitude is slowly getting worse and I’m afraid it might eventually become a big “thing” if we continue along this path.

To me, not adding the last comma will always be wrong, but if it’s not technically wrong, is it better to let it go in this situation? If yes, then how do I deal with my irritation? If no, how do I deal with hers?

Thank you, thank you, and thank you,
Comma Chameleon

Dear Comma,

Garner’s stand on the Harvard comma is pretty clear: “Whether to include the serial comma has sparked many arguments. But it’s easily answered in favor of inclusion because omitting the final comma may cause ambiguities, whereas including it never will…. Although newspaper journalists typically omit the serial comma as a space-saving device, virtually all writing authorities outside that field recommend keeping it….”

That’s from his punctuation entry, subhead D, which you can show your boss. Unless she has another source that she can cite which clearly states that the serial comma is not correct, you’re within your rights to continue changing it — and you might point out to her that you’re not trying to make her look bad, but just the opposite, as most grammarians call for the last comma blah blah blah.

But if it’s going to turn into a whole workplace-politics flap, maybe you should just let it go. I would point her to Garner and sort of shrug that if she wants to go against The Lord, it’s her call, but then, I’m snotty like that.

Dear Sarah,

My friend has recently introduced me to Tomato Nation and I want to thank you for entertaining me throughout the long, dry desert of A-level revision. I don’t know what the equivalent is in America, but God these are hard if you actually want to get the As in them!

Anyway, I read all about your lack of sleep due to cats/neighbours/sunshine et cetera and was wondering if you had found a way. I have come to the point where I survive on two hours max sleep per night, and I just can’t lie in bed anymore. I have read half of the complete works of Shakespeare nocturnally (i.e. a play a night) and spent half the night yesterday making chocolate crispy cakes. That didn’t go down well with the dog because I woke her up whilst melting chcolate bars over the hob.

I’m fed up now. I have tried milky drinks (eeeew!) and lavender pillows (nice to smell but don’t work) but don’t want any sleeping pills ’cause I’m a little scared that I won’t wake up properly and it’s too close to the exams to stop concentrating — or I may accidentally overdose. Any ideas how to break this horrible cycle? Just one good night’s sleep please!

Living Dead

Dear Living,

Well, the usual: Don’t drink caffeine after lunchtime (no tea, no coffee, no cola, no chocolate, nothing). Don’t eat within three hours of bedtime. Don’t nap during the day. If you can’t get to sleep in twenty minutes, get out of bed and go somewhere else; otherwise you start associating insomnia with the physical place, and it just gets worse. Start a regular exercise routine and try to tire yourself out.

But above all, try not to worry about it too much. It’s a stressful time; that messes with your sleep cycle. Just get through it the best you can and know you’ll catch up eventually.

[12/2/04]

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