Hey Sars,

This question may be more for your readers than for you.

I can’t find pants that fit.None, nada, zero.I like skirts, but winter is nigh…

Pants are not generally made for my shape.If they fit at the hips,
they gap at the waist.If they fit at the waist, they are too tight
through the hips.And they are almost always too tight through the
thighs unless they are far too loose at the waist/hips.Summary:
narrow waist, wide hips, big thighs equals no pants.

Do you, or your readers, have any suggestions?Plus sizes won’t help.
I wear a 6 in a dress, if it is loose through the hips.

The final snag is that I’m a grad student, so I really hope the answer
isn’t $200 jeans!This also means that I’m mostly looking for casual
clothing at the moment, but I will need more professional clothing for
the summer.

Thanks,
Curvy

P.S. My friend asked me to add that she has the same problem with the
thighs, though she doesn’t have the narrow waist issue.Any
suggestions for her would also be appreciated.

Dear Curvy,

I have exactly the opposite problem — thick waist, narrow hips, not much ass to speak of — but I’ve had pretty good luck with the Gap’s new sizing.The jeans (and some cords) now come in three cuts: Curvy, Regular, and Straight.I wear the Straights and it’s pretty much solved the problem of those little fabric fins on the hips.

But then, I’m not typical.The most common complaint I hear from women about J. Crew pants, for example, is that they’re cut for little boys, which, thank God, because I’m cut like a little boy, but going the other direction, I wouldn’t have the first idea what to tell you.So, see if the Gap’s Curvy cuts fit you, and for dressier pants, let’s see what the readers have to say.

Dear Sars,

I have what to most people would be a simple dating
question: who pays on a first date?The last time I
was single I was nineteen, and “dating” was more a
matter of hooking up at a party and seeing what
happened from there.Fast forward nine years and one
failed marriage.I’m now a 28-year-old grad student,
and it’s a whole new world out there.

So I met this guy online about two weeks ago;
interaction so far has been limited to the telephone
and internet because he lives in another city.The
pace is slow and cautious with no agenda, but there’s
mutual attraction.He’s flying to my city for
business soon, and we’ve agreed to “catch up for a few
drinks.”The arrangement definitely has certain
date-like qualities.

So, given that it’s my town, I’m picking the place.
Does that mean that I’m “hosting” the date and should
expect to pay?Only, I’m very poor (grad student) and
I could only afford somewhere pretty casual and
grungy, which isn’t the mood we’re looking for here.
Plus, he’s a few years older with a great job, I get
the impression he’s comfortably off, and he’d
therefore be used to fairly nice places.I hope I
don’t need to say that I’m not after his money, I just
want it to be a nice evening for both of us.

If I suggest somewhere reasonably priced but nice,
that’s probably safer, although it means I’d have to
save up for the date.But then I don’t know how to
handle it on the night — how does one establish the
paying thing in this day and age?It would impact
what bottle of wine I stated a preference for, whether
we ate, all of it.When does one discuss these
things?When the bill comes, or at the start of the
night?

He’s coming over on business — should I just assume
he’s expecting to pay and expense it?I’m
over-thinking this, aren’t I?

When In Holland

Dear Holl,

My rule of thumb is that it’s almost 2006, and nobody should expect to pay, or be paid for, on a date anymore.I certainly don’t.If I do the inviting, I just plan to pay, because then I don’t have to think about it — but if the bill comes and the guy wants to go dutch, or insists on paying, that’s okay too.The main idea here is not to make it the focus of the evening, and absolutely do not bring it up at the start of the night; it’s a date, not a contract negotiation.

If you wind up at a place that’s fancier than you’d normally go, just order a small salad and remember what you’re there for: to get to know him, not to get the most value for your dinner dollar.I know it’s a concern, on your budget, but what’s probably going to happen is that the bill will come, he’ll reach for it, you ask him if he’s sure you can’t contribute, he’ll wave you off, and you’ll thank him graciously and get on with the evening.

It usually doesn’t become an issue unless you make it one, the paying.Just try to go with the flow; don’t feel obligated to order things you can’t afford, and again, don’t bring it up before you’ve even got your coats off.It’s gauche.

Hey Sars,

My
question is not a personal one, and not exactly a grammatical one, but you
seemed like someone who could help me out anyway. I’m trying to remember
this phrase that I’d really like to use in my writing and after polling my
friends and scouring the internet I’ve come up with nothing. The phrase is:
“Sometimes a ____ is just a _____.” Both “blanks” are the same word and it’s
something you’d say to someone who’s overreacting or creating unnecessary
drama.

You might say to a hypochondriac who thinks they have a brain tumor:
Sometimes a headache is just a headache. But I’m trying to find the original
word that fit into those blanks and it’s making me crazy. it’s like when you
have a song in your head, but you don’t know the words and the tune never
sounds right when you try to hum it to your friends.

Do you have any idea what phrase I’m talking about? Or can you recommend a
good phrase finder? I tried a few online, but typing in “sometimes” didn’t
yield results.

Sometimes a tomato is just a tomato

Dear Sometimes,

The phrase you’re looking for, I believe, is “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” — but it doesn’t mean quite what you think it does.It’s a reference to Freud and the phallic nature of cigars and cigar-smoking; saying “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” is another way of saying, “Don’t read too much into it.”You wouldn’t really say it to someone who’s creating drama, so much as you’d use it in a situation that’s being (or could be) overanalyzed.

Wikipedia is often helpful with cultural searches like this, or you could try Bartleby.com and search under “quotations.”But the original phrase is “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” — in other words, not everything has deeper meaning.

[12/2/05]

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