Dear Sars,

I just read George Bailey’s letter, and I remember when I was in high school and was overwhelmed I went to a school counselor.I don’t know about her school’s teachers/counselors, but mine were pretty good and they really helped me out a lot (especially with colleges).

N

Dear N,

Duh – why didn’t I think of that?Excellent suggestion.My school had a pretty good counselor too, so if George’s school has one, she should definitely look into that.

Hi Sars –

Here’s my problem.My mom died in 1997, and ever since then I have not really been too enthusiastic about the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas.She was really into them, so I really feel her absence strongly.

I could get through, except for my Dad.He has remarried – which is fine, she’s a nice lady and I’m glad he’s not alone.However, he gets really angry at me when I am blue on the holidays.I have to spend the holidays with them; there is no avoiding it.But when he asked me on Thanksgiving why I was so quiet, I truthfully told him that I was really missing Mom.He took this as an insult to his new wife, which it was not meant in any way to be.With Christmas coming up, I am afraid something similar is going to happen.Why does he wig about my missing my mom?How can I explain to him that it is not an affront to the new wife?I am now looking forward to the holidays even less, because of this conflict.

Daughter in the Dumps

Dear Daughter,

I’ve never dealt with this situation personally (touch wood), but I imagine that your dad’s wigging has two sources: first, that he doesn’t want the new wife to feel weird about things, with him or with you; and second, that he misses your mom too, still, and doesn’t really feel like facing that, especially now that he’s remarried.

Sit him down and tell him that you like your dad’s new wife fine, and neither of them should take your holiday blues personally – but you feel how you feel, and you don’t want to fight about it, or spend time justifying it, or feel as though you have to hide it in order to keep the peace.Then, as a gesture of goodwill, you might take the new wife aside and tell her the same thing.You like her, you like the happiness that she brings to your father, but you just miss your mother at this time of year and you hope she can understand.

If they can’t understand, well, they can’t, and you’ll just have to accept that.It’s annoying, but it shouldn’t stop you from feeling the way you feel.

[12/20/00]

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