Sars,

I have met a great guy — The One, I think, and he thinks I am that person for him also.We’ve only been dating a short time — less than a month — but the moments when we met, held hands, and kissed, we both knew this was It.It has moved from dating to relationship pretty quickly, but we’re both pretty comfortable with it, having dated enough people to know the real thing from the many others we’ve tried.

So only one problem, and I feel kind of shallow about even letting this be a problem, but I’m really poor right now — in a tight spot financially between massive school loans, car payments, and other expenses. I love going out, but can’t very much anymore because money is too tight.And hence the problem: this Fabulous New Guy (FNG) doesn’t like to pay for me — he just doesn’t see why the guy should always have to pay for the girl when they go out.He makes only slightly less than I, but because he does not have the staggering loan payments I do, he definitely clears a lot more in the end than I do (i.e. he’s actually investing maximum amounts in retirement and in investments in general — something that I can’t even think about for a while with my debt load).

I always believed in the philosophy that if one person had a lot more money than the other, that person would just pay when they went out, because it’s just money and not that big a deal; if both people had about the same amount of money, they’d each pay or take turns.In the two serious relationships I’ve had, the guy always paid for everything, though I would pick up the tab every once in a while, or give some money towards it if it was an expenisve meal, or just pay the tip or something.But I’ve always been generous in other ways, buying things or whatever for the guy I’m with, and I’m pretty generous with friends and family.

I finally talked to FNG about all this, and he couldn’t believe that I wanted him to pay for me.And in talking about the future, he’s not really sure whether he wants to continue in the job he’s in now, and isn’t really sure what he wants to do, and he more than jumped at the idea of being a stay-at-home dad and didn’t see why several people living on my salary (which is very tight right now, just for me, and I can’t see it getting any easier when I add a mortgage payment and new cars and college tuition and such in it) should be a problem.

I’m worried that I’m caught up in stereotypes of the guy not liking me enough to pay for me, feelings of selfishness and pettiness for even caring about this whenever everything else is so good, and intense worries about the future (which FNG and I decided should be left to worry about in the future, but I don’t want to settle down with some guy and discover that I will be working my butt off the rest of my life to support him and our children).I’m not sure if this is tied emotionally into wanting a man to take care of me, and my father not having done that and blah blah blah father-abandonment fishcakes.

I know these are my feelings, so they are valid, but I am just being one of those selfish, spoiled annoying girls who gives women a bad name?I hate The Rules and that whole philosophy, so I’m feeling guilty right now about even thinking this way.I’m not sure what I want you to say — I know I am just going to wait and see what happens, but am I way off base in all these thoughts?What is your opinion?

Confused and Hopefully Not Shallow

Dear Hopefully Not,

It’s not shallow, exactly, but it’s a little weird.Why should he pay for you?Because he can?That’s not a good reason.Would you ask that of your other friends — to buy you movie tickets and meals because they make more money than you do?It’s a relationship, not a commune.

You say that you want to build a future with FNG, but until you start doing that in a real way — get married, buy a house together, whatever — your debt isn’t his problem.It’s your problem, financially and emotionally, and you have to manage it yourself.If the two of you make plans to go out, and it’s something that you can’t afford to do without him covering the bill, well, maybe you should plan to do something that you can afford, or not go out.

Of course you don’t see it as a big deal; it’s not your money that’s getting spent.Look at it from FNG’s side — from his point of view, you don’t feel loved unless he buys you dinner.You’ve got emotional and financial support all crossed up in your mind already after only a month, and that’s a dangerous road to start down.

It’s 2002.Men don’t have to pay for women anymore.Start chipping in your share, every time.You don’t have to like it, but you have to do it.

Dear Sars,

I’ve got a huge dilemma that’s breaking my heart. Last night, when I was at my best friend “Angie”‘s house and we were getting ready to go out, I went into the bathroom. When I lifted the toilet seat, there was vomit in the bowl. I know that if Angie was ill, she would have told me. She’s been a little depressed lately, after breaking up with her boyfriend of a few years, but I never thought she could become bulimic. She never even talks about her weight, and if anything, she’s underweight and petite anyway. I know that bulimia is a control issue rather then a weight issue, but I just can’t even comprehend the idea that she might be bulimic.

Anyway, I didn’t say anything last night, but didn’t flush the toilet either. So as far as I know, she has no idea what I saw. Do I say something? I mean, I know I’m going to have to because she’s my best friend and I love her, and I need to do something before it gets really out of hand, if it hasn’t already. But what do I say? How do I approach her? What if she’s not bulimic after all? I’m at a huge loss here, and I (and Angie) need help. Please Sars, I would appreciate any advice you or the readership could give.

Thanks,
Scared and confused

Dear Scared,

Not to downplay the seriousness of bulimia, but you’ve got exactly zero evidence that Angie is suffering from it.Vomit in the bowl is not an open-and-shut case, especially since, in my experience, bulimics go to fairly great lengths to cover the disease.Everyone’s different, but I doubt that Angie would have left you that blatant a clue if she really had an eating disorder.

Keep an eye on Angie — not an eagle eye, just a regular one.Educate yourself about eating disorders.But puking once does not an eating disorder make, so until you have something more concrete than that, leave it alone.

[12/27/01]

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