Hey Sars –

This is a question I pretty much know the answer to.I’m planning my wedding, and I pretty much have the guest list in place.There is only one question – should I invite my best friend from college?She’s pretty much the only female best friend I’ve ever had, I was in her wedding a few years ago, I thought we had a bond that would never break, even though we haven’t lived in the same city for ten years. I last saw her about two or so years ago in the city where she lives, and we had what I thought was a nice time.Ever since then, we have been totally out of touch.I would call her and she wouldn’t sound happy to hear from me, I would email her, and she would reply weeks later with a few sentences that detailed just how very busy she was.I can take a hint – she doesn’t want to be friends.Ok, that’s cool, whatever. We haven’t communicated since then.I don’t need the rejection and there’s a deafening silence from her end. But, I feel like if I don’t invite her to my wedding, it’s like slamming the door shut (that’s probably already shut) on our friendship forever. If I do invite her, she may not respond, or she might check “no” in the little RSVP box, or I might just worry about her and the certain-to-be-there awkwardness. What would you do?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

If the true Golden Age of your friendship with this woman now dates back more than ten years, I would say it’s best she be left off the guest list.Friends separated by time and distance can segue from “out of touch” to “downright estranged” without either party ever completely understanding why.To revisit those old wounds on a day that is truly supposed to be All About You (and the groom, of course) would preoccupy you with ancient history when the day of your wedding is all about looking ahead.If you predict awkwardness would inevitably exist resulting from her mere presence (and if you predict a sense of sadness and loss on your part should she turn the invitation down), there is nothing to be gained by testing the waters of this friendship in such a grand context.I say spare yourself the heartache of the invitation and try contacting her sometime after the wedding to let her know you’ve gotten hitched.If she’s happy for you and wants to hear all about it, start salvaging your relationship with smaller steps.If she’s disinterested or even hurt as a result of not being invited, you’ll know you made the right decision; it was time to cut the cord anyway.

Good luck with your wedding!

Djb (in for Sars)

[12/28/00]

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