The Vine: December 28, 2011
Backstory: childhood best friend and I have been good friends for about 23 years now. We were in preschool together, most of the same classes until we graduated high school, sleepovers, the whole “golden childhood memories with P” deal. We drifted apart a bit when I moved across the country for college, mainly staying in touch through e-mail and AIM when we had time, but it wasn’t uncommon to go a month or two in between talking. She came out to my city to be a bridesmaid in my wedding 5 years ago.
She’s now getting married in about a year, and has always been very adamant about not wanting kids at her wedding — even before there was a guy to marry, she knew she didn’t want kids there, didn’t want their noise and running around and general unpredictability. Which I totally understood, because one of the babies who was at my wedding cried the whole damn ceremony. I work with kids, I know they cry sometimes for myriad reasons (and sometimes no reason) but I get her not wanting that to happen at hers.
My husband and I planned to start trying to have a baby in January, knowing it could take a few months to happen; friend announced her wedding date, and I figured okay, I’ll just be really pregnant at the wedding. Of course, since we had it all planned out, it went to hell. I’m now pregnant quite a few months before expected, and the baby will be a few months old by the time P’s wedding rolls around. When I told her, she didn’t respond for a while, then kind of reiterated the fact that she doesn’t want kids at her wedding. So, here are my options as I see them: don’t go to the wedding, even though that would hurt her and I really want to be there for her when she gets married; go to the wedding but leave husband and very small infant at the hotel, run back after the ceremony to nurse, go to the reception for a bit, then go back to the hotel for the night to nurse again; go to the wedding with baby and husband and have husband keep baby out of the sanctuary during the ceremony and skip the reception entirely.
None of those options are particularly enticing to me — my dream scenario involves being at the ceremony and popping out the door if the baby fusses, and having the baby at the reception. At that age, nursing and then sleeping through it is entirely possible, and since it’ll be a party-type reception, even if the baby did cry I could just pop out for a minute and it wouldn’t be obtrusive.
Is it horrible of me to think that, for a child that young, who wouldn’t be eating or running around or even be old enough to want to get down and crawl, she should let it go? I really don’t want to miss her wedding, but a 2-month-old is just too young to leave home with dad for the 3 days or so I’d need, since she still lives in our hometown (and none of my family is still there to babysit). Not to mention the fact that I plan on nursing, so leaving the baby 10 hours away from me just won’t work.
Sincerely,
I REALLY didn’t want to end up as a “make an exception for my special snowflake” mother
Dear Snowflake,
No, it isn’t horrible of you. That said, here’s what probably happened when she got your email. She read it; she initially thought to herself, well, it’s a 2-month-old, who cares; she thought about it some more and realized that if she makes an exception for one person, other people — people with toddlers; people who wouldn’t be conscientious; both — might expect exceptions to be made for them as well; she felt bad about it, and like it maybe makes her look like an asshole not to let you slide on it, but she just doesn’t want children at her wedding, so she put the ball back in your court with a “this is my longstanding policy on the kids-at-the-wedding issue, so,” and hoped you would be able to make other arrangements that take her off the hook.
In other words, she probably does want to let it go, but if she lets it go for you, etc. and so on. I’m neither excusing nor condemning it, but I suspect that it’s a slippery-slope issue for her. She probably should have just laid it out for you all, “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick here, I know the baby will be teeny. I’m just afraid Cousin Jerkstore is going to get wind of it and unleash the triplets on us, so…we didn’t have this conversation, you dig?”
But…she didn’t, so the question, really, isn’t so much “shouldn’t she let it go,” but “she isn’t going to let it go, so now what.” Well, you tell her regretfully that it’s just not feasible for you to travel that distance with a nursing infant if you can’t have the baby with you most of the weekend. No need to press the point, or say that you think she should be more flexible; just state gently but firmly that, if the baby isn’t allowed, you’ll have to decline. This may prompt her to give you a pass, and it may not, but parents of small children have these kinds of limitations, everyone knows it, and if she doesn’t want to deal with it, she’s not going to have those parents celebrating with her. Make your choice, feel good about it, and if she changes her mind, great — but this is her choice.
I will say that, if you’re a bridesmaid, you should get a dispensation on it that “regular” guests might not, but that’s just my opinion.
Tags: etiquette friendships kids
Though you have so many unknowns–whether your baby is fussy, a good traveler, etc., and I know it’s hard to think beyond the baby, I would really urge being honest with your friend. As a newlywed in her 30s, I had a number of really dear, close friends (including my very best friend) who declined to attend because of young babies that they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) leave with a sitter/travel with, etc. I allowed kids at the entire wedding, but several were still just too exhausted, overwhelmed, whatever, to attend. And I know it’s not a competition on whose events are more important, but after attending umpteen weddings in my twenties and supporting all these wonderful people as they married, it did hurt my feelings a little bit that so many were missing from my wedding because I got married while everyone else had already moved on and were busy having babies. But of course I didn’t say anything, because that’s a can of emotional worms nobody wants to open.
My advice is to be honest with your concerns, and try to commit at least to the wedding ceremony and a little bit of the reception. It will mean so much to your lifelong friend that you were there for her like she was for you. :)
My sister had myself and my other two sisters as bridesmaids. She’d already booked the venue when I found out I was pregnant, and it couldn’t be rescheduled. My due date was almost exactly the same day as her wedding. It was to be a very formal wedding with no kids allowed. We weren’t sure if I’d still be pregnant, in which case I wouldn’t have been able to travel to the wedding. I still remember the gratitude I felt when my sister told me that I’d was her bridesmaid whether I could actually be there or not.
My son ended up being born 4 weeks early, my sister asked me to bring him, my aunt made alterations to the dress so it could fit me, and my husband hung out just outside the ceremony with our son in a carrier. I nursed him before the ceremony, I nursed him before the photographs after the ceremony, and spend a good hour of the reception nursing him in a separate room. Do not underestimate the amount of time you’ll spend nursing a baby that young. It worked out for us, though, and it’s a treasured memory for all of us.
A: Two months might well not be enough time for your hormones to settle down, in which case you shouldn’t be going ANYWHERE, much less a wedding (which tends to be exciting and stressful even if you aren’t part of the process.)
B: No matter what, you’ll be in a scenario where Husband and Baby are somewhere completely separate from the party, which means you’ll spend half your time on the phone talking to them and the other half moping that they aren’t there.
C: In the original letter, these two lines don’t quite match up…
“We drifted apart a bit when I moved across the country for college, mainly staying in touch through e-mail and AIM when we had time, but it wasn’t uncommon to go a month or two in between talking.”
“So, here are my options as I see them: don’t go to the wedding, even though that would hurt her and I really want to be there for her when she gets married…”
You haven’t seen her for more than five years, going on ten, and you don’t live near each other anymore, but it would really hurt her if you weren’t at the wedding? Still? Even though you were a guest and not part of the wedding party?
Conclusion: I think maybe you need to take her at her word when she says that she doesn’t want kids at her wedding, and say “well it’s inescapable that I’m going to have a newborn who needs constant care, so good luck and I’m happy for you!” If you feel like your relationship is such that you need to add more than fifty bucks and a Hallmark card, then figure out what the airfare would have cost and send a check for that amount; that’s what you would have invested in going to the wedding, after all.
Oh, I just thought of one: “Look, if you’re gonna play Bridezilla that’s fine, but I’m not gonna be your Anguestilius!”
Two months might well not be enough time for your hormones to settle down, in which case you shouldn’t be going ANYWHERE
Right. Heaven forfend that civilians be exposed to a MOOD.
…Seriously: consider a rephrase. This isn’t 1903.
…you shouldn’t be going ANYWHERE because the chaos and excitement will make you feel miserable and you probably want to avoid that if you can. Thanks for assuming I was being bitchy about the recently-pregnant, mom.
You took a jerky tone. You got called on it. Get over it.
…dude. I didn’t even have a tone until you wildly misinterpreted what I said. Whatever, just ban me again, I’m surprised you unbanned me at all.
Okay!
My LO is now over 6 months and I basically haven’t left him yet. In your shoes, I’d have to have a quiet cry about it, but I’d send my apologies. There are ways that it might work but for me there are just too many variables and it’s stress I wouldn’t need to accept.
I decided to skip a family wedding this summer because my son would be barely 6 weeks old and traveling across the country with him at that age seemed like a bad idea. Best. Decision. Ever. I made that call a few months before he was born just because it sounded like a nightmare. Little did I know that at that point I’d be in serious throes of a breastfeeding nightmare and in absolutely no shape to attend. Plus, our pediatrician was adamant that we not take him on a plane when he was that young, which is something else to consider here.
I was very sorry to not be there to celebrate with the bride and groom, but it was by no means the end of the world. I’m pretty sure they received the news as a bit of a “aw, that’s too bad” and went along their merry wedding way.
Lots of great suggestions here, but there’s one thing that occurred to me. As the LW as mentioned that she’s not part of the wedding party, then she probably doesn’t need to RSVP until after the baby is born, right? (Assuming her pregnancy timeline is more-or-less accurate.) Seems like RSVPs are required, what, a month before the event, yes?
Point is, hopefully by that time she’ll have a little better view on the breastfeeding, the healing, the hormones, and the likelihood that her baby will snooze through the ceremony as desired. So, for discussions BEFORE the RSVP date, I’d say she should still to, “I really want to be there but of course who knows how this whole baby-having thing is going to go, right?” The issue may resolve itself at that point, either by discovering that travel/breastfeeding/etc. will be impossible, or by the bride making “maybe we can work this out” noises.
You have enough stuff to think about before having a baby — I say let this one wait until Snowflake has arrived and you can actually make a decision with all the facts in hand. And congrats on the pregnancy!
Let’s try “as the LW has mentioned…”
I am going to come at this from a different angle and suggest you not take your newborn baby to the wedding because you would be exposing him/her to a lot of germs.
When my son was 5 weeks old, we attended a graduation party of a family member. Everyone wanted to see my beautiful baby and I thought the day went well. Sadly two days later he developed a fever of 105 and spent two days in the hospital for what turned out to be just a virus. I have no doubt that it was spread by one of our family members who probably didn’t even realize they were coming down with something at the time.
Baby was fine by the third day, but I was an emotional wreck until he was out of the hospital. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. So please reconsider taking your newborn to the wedding and if you do, please be super cautious of germs.
(Ma’am, please don’t touch or breathe on my baby, thank you!)
The Other Katherine is my new Best Friend.
The whole angst over the perfectly scripted wedding ceremony is so Bridezilla. I think alot of people lose sight of what exactly a wedding is….or rather what it should be. Seriously, even the Royal Wedding had kids there, get over yourself already!!! That being said, I would definitely skip the bridesmaid duty and tentatively plan to attend the wedding if I could work out the logistics. Maybe the baby will be early or late, or a good sleeper or a colic-y wailer. There is no real way to know and a true friend would understand and accept your decision.
Oh and Hi Jan
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You can’t take your kid to a child-free wedding. You just can’t. If your friend wanted to make an exception for you, she would have in that conversation that you already had. Instead, she simply reiterated that she doesn’t want kids there. That’s your hint. So, you either decline the invitation or you figure out how to go, and leave baby with dad or a sitter. Personally, I’d leave the baby with a sitter or your husband in a hotel room and pop by whenever you can.
The idea that you can sit in the back row on the edge and pop out if baby gets fussy is so very, very flawed. First of all, what if you had 10 moms who thought that? Suddenly the whole thing falls apart. And, that’s the problem. If you’re thinking, “Oh but she’ll make an exception for ME. I’m just one person, and everyone else is thinking the same way, then the bride is suddenly not getting what she wants anymore.
I get it. It sucks and it’s a tough decision. But you’re not the first person to be put in this position and you won’t be the last. If your friend wanted your baby at her wedding, she would have already told you so.
I’m in the camp with those who are saying “is it really so impossible to leave the baby with your husband and the breast milk for a few hours?” I had a no-child rule at our wedding and it meant that my own nieces weren’t there, but I don’t regret it: even the best-behaved children can be a problem at weddings, and your friend probably doesn’t want to have to have you ducking out every time Junior starts doing that pre-crying gaspy thing – I’ve seen people doing that at weddings, and it’s a bit disruptive. Of course, if you lay down the “well, I just can’t come” thing she may give in, or she may accept that, and you’ll miss the wedding and (probably) find that there’s a bit of a rift in your friendship.
Apropos of nothing, but when I started reading this letter (the “planning to get pregnant, so there was a risk that I’d be heavily pregnant at the wedding” bit) I instantly assumed that this whole letter was going to be about that, and I was all set to write a “don’t worry, it often doesn’t happen quite as quickly as you might assume” comment; I remember making those kind of “gosh, I might be pregnant for that Big Event” assumptions when we started trying (three years ago and counting). However, I hadn’t expected Snowflake and Mr Snowflake’s super fertility! Many congratulations – I hope that you love parenthood.
I have to disagree with Sars a little bit. If I were the bride, I wouldn’t be thinking “oh, a 2 month old won’t be much trouble and I wish I could let the baby come, but then other people would want to bring their kids…”
I’d be thinking “I’ve told her what I want for years, I hope she gets it. I don’t want a crying baby at my wedding.”
Some people don’t like kids (maybe the bride, definitely me) and if that’s how they want their wedding I think they should be allowed to have it that way.