Dear Sars,

Hi.Longtime reader, first-time writer.So, I’ve stepped in a bit of poo.I’ve recently started dating this guy and really do like him.Which is rare.But (of course there is a “but”), the situation is clouded with complications.First of all, over ten years ago he dated my sister for a few months.Right.Also, about eight months ago, I dated his best friend.Yeah, I know, but I’m not through.He is also recently divorced.Okay, fine, getting a divorce.

The stint with my sister was in high school, and was really very innocent.They did not remain close and she does not seem to have any problems with it.The best friend situation, I believe, is fine.Said best friend actually emailed me after our first date and essentially gave me his blessing, saying that he always thought we would get together and that we make a “solid match.”I couldn’t tell how honest that was, but to validate this, I’ll take it.

He separated from his wife over the summer.They had not been man and wife for a while, and he claims that he hasn’t felt married in a very long time.Whatever that means.

I’m an incredibly cerebral person and am having a hard time justifying this.I just really do like him and feel that it would be a shame if I didn’t give it a chance.But I just can’t get past all of the muck.My guard is up, and in turn, I am sure his is as well.Any advice?

Thanks and happy holidays,
More poo with your turkey?Yes please.

Dear Please,

I wouldn’t worry about the sister thing.I would worry about the fact that he would date a woman his best friend dated less than a year ago, during a divorce.And I would get clear on what “hasn’t felt married” does mean, because to tell you the truth, that sounds a little sketchy to me.

Every divorce is different, and every person going through a divorce is different, so I don’t want to generalize on that aspect; you haven’t given me enough information about the guy’s particular situation to do so anyway.But very few marriages just fade away without anyone feeling the effects, and it’s safe to say that, right now, he’s reacting.Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, for him or for you, but it’s something you should take into account.

I don’t think you need to feel guilty about dating him, but proceed with caution.

Dear Sars,

I am a 16-year-old male, and I have a problem for which I hope you have a
solution. One of my best female friends, I’ll call her “Jane,” has recently
started dating this guy whom I completely hate. I was fine with this — who
she dates or socializes with is her business — until this guy started having
a problem with me. Me and Jane are really close and we do things together
a lot, and this really seems to piss off her boyfriend. She also always hugs
me at school, which really drives her boyfriend crazy. All of my friends have
told me that when Jane and I are together, her boyfriend gets really angry.
Jane tells me that her friends matter to her more than boyfriends, and that
if he can’t trust that there is nothing between the two of us except
friendship, then he isn’t worth her time.

Here’s the problem: I know she
really cares about him a lot and her friendship with me is blocking the
two of them from becoming closer. I don’t know if I should talk to the guy
about this, avoid the two of them when they are together, or pretend not to
notice how jealous he is. What should I do?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can provide,
Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

Don’t do anything.It’s Jane’s issue to deal with.Her boyfriend’s giving her a hard time about you, true, but he’s giving her that hard time, so if she’s got a problem with his jealousy, that’s for her to sort out.

It sounds to me like Jane has her priorities pretty well in order, so behave as civilly to the boyfriend as you can and let her handle him.

Dear Sars,

Between the ages of twenty-two and twenty-six, I had a terrible relationship
with my former boyfriend. He spent time with me only when he had nothing
else to do, never allowed me to meet his family (who lived only a few miles
from me), and made it obvious to anyone who cared to look that he was
cheating on me at every opportunity. But through it all, I told myself that
he was a great guy and we were blissfully happy together.

Our third break-up ended up being the final one. To make sure I didn’t go
crawling back to him as I’d done twice before, I packed up and moved three
thousand miles away. I spent four years getting my career on track, digging
out of a nasty depression, and learning to be happy in a new city. During
that time,
I made a few friends but didn’t date at all. I was terrified of risking
rejection and heartache all over again.

Then, about five months ago, I started spending a lot of time with a guy from
work.
Within a few weeks I developed a major crush on him, and he
eventually let it be known he felt the same way about me. We started dating
four months ago and have spent nearly every moment together since. I’ve
never been in love
like this before. My thoughts are full of clichés and lyrics from cheesy
love songs, and I can’t believe how fortunate I am to have him in my life.

Now, the problem — I can’t stop punishing Jake for the crappy things my ex
did. Jake has never, ever given me reason not to trust him, but I
constantly find myself fabricating stories about his infidelity and lack of
commitment. When we’re physically together, everything is fine, but as soon
as he’s out of my sight I fall apart. Last week, when he wasn’t home a half
hour after his soccer
practice ended, I convinced myself he’d run away with someone else. A little
while later, when he came in with the groceries he’d stopped for, I was
slumped on the couch in tears.

Even while I’m having these episodes, I know
I’m being stupid, but I can’t control the thoughts running through my head.
Jake and I have talked about it, and he’s been very understanding, but I
know one of these days his patience will wear thin. I don’t want to be an
insecure, clingy, controller girlfriend. I want him to be able to go out
with his friends and enjoy himself without worrying about the
emotional wreck he’s going to find at home.

Is this normal emotional baggage that everyone deals with and eventually
gets over, or is it time to invest in some serious therapy?

Chronically Insecure

Dear Insecure,

Well, it’s both.It’s normal emotional baggage, for sure — but it’s affecting your relationship and your happiness, so it’s time to get some help handling it.

You already realize that it’s a problem, and you’ve communicated about it with Jake, both very good first steps.A therapist can help you untangle why you have these “episodes,” figure out how to stop them before they start, and work on boosting your self-esteem so that you don’t get so upset.

It’s beyond your power to “fix” it on your own, so go see a professional and feel good about it.Your past relationship did its damage, and there’s no shame in going to counseling to fix it.

[12/3/02]

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