Here’s a grammar question that has been bothering me for awhile lately.I’m not sure how to word it so I’ll give an example.Which of the following would be correct?

“She is an (extremely) gifted writer.”
“She is a (extremely) gifted writer.”

Do you use “a” or “an” here?”Extremely” is in parentheses, and I always learned that if you put part of a sentence in parentheses, the sentence should still make sense if you take that part out.”She is an gifted writer” doesn’t make sense.But the “an” is still preceding a vowel sound, even if the vowel sound is not part of the main sentence, and if you were reading it aloud. …Gah!I’m so confused.Which is correct?

Maybe not that gifted after all

Dear All,

Replace “extremely” with “very” or “greatly” and use the second one.

Usage is hard enough; don’t complicate your life if you don’t need to.

So I was having virtual conversation with a friend, as one is likely to do
during the work day, and I noticed myself typing, “I’m trying not to
laugh.”

I sort of take that construction for granted, but is it absolutely
correct?Sense-wise, I might go for a “I’m trying to not laugh,” so it’d
be clearer what the “not” was applying to (preposition!).But if you’re
part of the “no split infinitives” crowd, maybe “I’m trying to laugh not”
would be better.Except it sounds so pretentious and unnatural.

Deep down, it feels like the first construction is probably correct.But
I don’t like the idea of “not” being kept away from what it’s really
affecting — “laugh.”Visually, it almost comes off as “I’m not trying to
laugh,” whose meaning is all wrong.Can you clear this up?And maybe
tell me why it’s right, not just why the others are wrong?

Trying Not to Care

Dear Trying,

The “no split infinitives” rule is a hold-over from Latin, I believe, whose infinitives are a single word; regardless of the origin of the rule, it’s fallen out of favor quite a bit in the last generation, primarily because contorting sentences to obey the rule often violates the basic sense of the verb phrase.

In the case you cite, it’s not as flagrant — since the key information there is the not laughing, yes, it’s actually better just to say “I’m trying to not laugh,” because 1) putting the “not” closer to “laugh” comes closer to your precise intended meaning, and 2) it’s not a venue where more formal usage is necessary.”I’m not trying to laugh” means something else entirely, of course, and “I’m trying to laugh not”…leave that one for Yoda.

“I’m trying not to laugh” is, among the choices, the “most” correct, but…see above.Don’t make your life harder if you’re communicating colloquially, especially trying to circumvent split infinitives, which aren’t a venal grammar sin anymore.

Dear Sars,

The reason why I write is to get some advice on a touchy situation:

I once told my mother I was bisexual (when I was going out with my first girlfriend). She wasn’t terribly excited about the idea, and told me not to tell my father. Five years have passed and I have been going out with a wonderful woman that I want to introduce to my family. Her family already knows me and accepts me.

I don’t live with my parents, and they live overseas. My dad met her when he was visiting and we were just starting to go out, but I didn’t tell him outright about us and I don’t know if he’s figured it out.

My mother will visit in two weeks. She’s going to stay with me during that time. I want her to meet my girlfriend because this might be the only opportunity in the next couple of years, but I want some advice on how to introduce the subject and to introduce them. Would it be best to host a “dinner” at my house with us three (or four, including my sister), or go out for dinner or lunch all together? Should I schedule it at the beginning, middle, or end of her short visit? Should I talk to my mom beforehand about her and prepare her for the meeting, should I simply go for the “Mom, this is my girlfriend” introduction and try not to make it a big deal, should I start dropping hints, introduce them but without telling her that I’m emotionally involved with said woman (hoping she’ll figure it out and ask) or request my sister’s help in slowly breaking it out to her?

I want my mom to see my girlfriend as the wonderful person she is. I also hope that this doesn’t ruin the time she spends with me, or here. (Images of weeping mom come to mind.) I don’t want to cause a huge commotion either.

What would be the best way to bring this up?

Thanks!

Two weeks notice

Dear Two,

Don’t spring it on her; that puts both her and your girlfriend in an awkward position, and it’s a bit melodramatic, so if you want to avoid drama…don’t create it yourself.Your mom should respect the decisions you make as an adult — and you should act accordingly, telling her what’s going on with you and expecting her to behave graciously and supportively.Surprising her with it, or putting your sister in the middle, won’t work.Tell Mom beforehand that you have a girlfriend and you can’t wait for Mom to meet her.Don’t plead for her acceptance or get all “I hope this won’t be a problem” about it; just tell her, and let her deal.

Assuming that your mother can cope like a grown-up, then, let her know that you’d love all of you to go to brunch — after the beginning of the trip.Give your mom and chance to reconnect with you, just family, and then plan a meal or a tea or something where she and your GF can meet.

I’m not trying to be all “massage the uptight parent” here, but sometimes, when a family member is resisting a choice you’ve made or an aspect of your life, they’ll find excuses to stay pissy about it that don’t really have anything to do with the central problem — “she ambushed me with it!” or “we didn’t have any time alone when I got there!”My mother used a boyfriend’s occasional tardiness to justify hanging on to a preconceived dislike of him; parents do this, to straight children too, and sometimes you have to put in a little prep time to make sure they don’t have any rational reasons to justify their irrational behavior.If that makes any sense.

I mean, she’ll probably get on board eventually.A lot of parents who start out all,”Youuuuuu’re WHAT NOW?!” are at the front of the PFLAG float like six months later.But the less drama that surrounds that transition, the better, so — tell her you’ve got a girlfriend, tell her you’re happy, ask her where she wants to shop, and hope for the best.It’ll most likely be just fine.

Dear Sars:

I’m writing to you because I’m at my breaking point and I need advice. I’m assuming I have a reasonable idea as to what that advice is, which is to tell my spouse exactly what I’m telling you and finally get some help, but to have you actually spell it out for me might just be the kick in the pants I need.

I don’t know where to start, so I’m just going to start from the beginning. I’ve always been a very sensitive individual. I don’t handle stress well and I have been known to cry at the tip of hat. Somehow I’ve never had really good coping mechanisms and tend to just dismantle when anything particularly stressful or frustrating comes up.

On top of that, I don’t think I’m very grown up, or I don’t think I’ve ever truly grown up. I’ve officially never been on my own ever. I got married right after college, was pretty sheltered in terms of taking responsibility for things during high school and much of college, and now, through four years of marriage (to a wonderful husband) haven’t taken much responsibility for many of the real world things I’m supposed to take responsibility for (i.e. bills, insurance, crap like that).

I’m also pretty aware that I’m lazy. Because of my stress, sensitivity, possibly my self-image, I don’t really feel like I can do anything, and when the stress gets to be too high, I procrastinate, which creates this vicious cycle. I don’t feel confident in doing something, I put that something off, the deadlines come, I get more stressed, I procrastinate and I just dismantle from there.

This vicious cycle I can pretty much see is the cause of the reason I’ve been in and out of work in a very stressful and highly competitive field of technical writing for the past four years. I get the idea that I’m perceived as not very competent, which based on what I just told you, I guess isn’t very far from the truth.

Given all this, I’m also wondering if there might be some depression I’m not dealing with very well. The weirdest yet scariest sentiment I’ve had about all this is that I’ve thought about committing suicide not because I’m really that depressed but because it’d be a way out of my responsibilities. I’ve got all the deadlines coming up at work, and instead of buckling down, I’ve thought about ending my life so I can let someone else deal with it. Isn’t that the most fucked-up, most self-absorbed statement you’ve ever heard? These thoughts are fleeting, and not serious considerations, but the fact that I’m actually having them is terrifying.

The thing is, I really do like my job, I really like my life, but I’m not trying at either of them, I’m just walking through, not really experiencing anything, and I know it’s me that’s holding myself back. Why can’t I just participate? Why can’t I just get on the horse and really get involved, in work, in life? Why have I kept myself on the sidelines? I want to write a screenplay, and the only thing keeping me from it is myself. I want to do all these things and yet I’m voluntarily benching myself. Why? This self-doubt I’m carrying around is literally driving me mad.

I’ve tried to explain this to my husband on several different occasions, but it never seems to go anywhere, which again might be my own laziness. I have told him that I’m having trouble coping, I’ve had these seriously not good thoughts and that I think I need to get help, but nothing happens.

What I’m hoping I might get from therapy is help on self-confidence, possibly discipline (with the being lazy and not getting work things done) and better coping skills that I’ve needed for a very long time. Being able to cry at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason might be beneficial for an actress, but for a real-world environment, not so good.

So my question is, do I seek out therapy? Do I tell my husband what I just told you? How else do I deal with the problems I’m creating for myself at work? What things can I put in place before therapy that can help me cope with the stress at work while trying to get over my big deadlines?

Thanks for all your help in advance.

Lazy but Trying

Dear Lazy,

Yes, you need therapy.You need medication, too, to pop yourself out of this rut and help you focus, because I think you’re depressed and I think that proceeds from really low self-esteem.

There’s no shame in it — it happens to the best of us, we lose our way and we need some help getting back — but you should really deal with it pronto.Top of the list, right now, get on the phone and get yourself some help.You need to start valuing yourself and making your own happiness, or at least contentment, a priority, and just taking that step will be a big thing.

Get an appointment soon, but in the near term, as I’ve said dozens of times — make a to-do list.Split it into three sections: has to get done now; has to get done within 48 hours; has to get done soon but not real soon.Start marching through the list.I am a nail-chewing procrastinator too, but trust me, the list (and crossing shit off it) can work.

And most importantly, stop beating yourself up.”Oh, I’m so fucked up and lazy, I can’t even blah blah” — girl, get in line.There’s none of us perfect, but you can find a way to work with that.You want to get to a better place; that’s a great start.Get yourself a hand with that and look forward to the results.

Usually I’d think it’s very weird asking a disembodied voice from my computer (that’s you) for advice, but in this case, I think I need someone impartial.

1. One of my best friends from college just got married to one of my other best friends from college; I introduced them.The girl decided to come to NYC a few weeks ago for her bachelorette party and invited a bunch of our mutual friends.Now, while I’m not a girl, this was the first and only time that this group of my friends was in New York.I didn’t expect to go with them to Chippendale’s, but I figured I’d at least be invited for a Bloody Mary at brunch.This was not the case.At no time was I invited to participate in anything.I was pretty pissed, especially when I found out that they had dinner three blocks from my apartment.My friends think I’m being unreasonable, but I think they acted like small-minded assholes.What’s your take?

2. I used to live in Chicago and practically had to fight off single girls, all weirdly desperate for a boyfriend, with a stick.Since I’ve been in New York, pretty much all the single women I’ve met have acted very aloof, but I now find myself being pursued by girls that aren’t single.I kid you not, I’ve had to explain that “cheating on your boyfriend, even if it’s with me, isn’t cool” with about six girls in six months.Is this just relationship karma biting me in the ass, or is this some sort of regional phenomenon, and if so, what should I do about it?

Tim

Dear Tim,

1. It’s hard for me to say.If the bride is a more traditional sort who thinks the bachelorette weekend is for girls only, well, there you go.The other thing is that the maid of honor is usually in charge of that stuff, so maybe she’s to blame, or maybe it was an oversight — I mean, you knew she was coming to the city, so, did you call her and suggest getting together?Or did you just sit home and wait for the phone to ring?Because if you’re not in the bridal party, and you didn’t call her…I don’t know.I wonder how “best” a friend she is if you know where she is in the city the whole weekend and yet you didn’t see her, but honestly, there’s a lot of information I don’t have here.

2. It isn’t a regional phenomenon that I know of.Nobody I know plays that; we don’t have time for that kind of soap opera anymore.Just keep turning them down, I guess.

[12/3/04]

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