Dear Sarah,

First of all, I have been reading both your site as well as Mighty Big TV for a while now and find them both vastly amusing.Just thought you might like to hear that.

Anyway, here’s my problem:

I have been married for three years.I met my husband at church and I love him very much.For the past year and a half, my husband and his best friend have been the leaders of the youth group at our church.Since I work and go to school (both full time), I have only been peripherally involved with this.Last week, my husband and I found out that his best friend – we’ll call him “S” – has sexually molested one of the girls in the youth group.She is thirteen, he is twenty-six.Incidentally, the girl is the daughter of my parent’s best friends – I’ve known her since she was born and have always looked at her the same way I look at my own sisters.

I immediately notified the police – it seemed like the only thing to do, and it was what the girl – we’ll call her “A” – wanted me to do (I was the one she told first).My husband and I also told the pastor of our church, who confronted S and told him that the police were on their way.S was only in custody for a few hours and, with all the proceedings that happen before a trial, his lawyer is telling him that the trial (or actual sentencing if he ends up pleading guilty) can probably be staved off until after the holidays.

My husband is feeling extremely guilty.He DID NOT know what was going on with S and he is devastated – he blames himself for not seeing what was going on.He thinks that he should have noticed that something was not right and saved A.(A is in therapy now, although she is very upset that S is not in jail.She thought that once she told on him, he’d go to jail and that would be that.)

S wants to come live with my husband and me because his wife (my friend) has, of course, kicked him out.I DO NOT want him in my house, but he is extremely manipulative (I never really liked S, but I never dreamed he was a pedophile) and he’s telling my husband that anybody who’s really a true Christian would be charitable enough to offer him a place to stay and FORGIVE him.My husband is guilty and confused and cries all the time now – I don’t know what to do.The worst thing is that our PASTOR thinks that I did the wrong thing by calling the police.He thinks that the church should have handled the “situation” on its own.

Anyway, I guess it boils down to the fact that I want to sever all ties with S and also stop attending this church – if the pastor thinks the youth pastor should not be reported for child abuse, it is obviously not a healthy place to be.My husband does not know what he wants – he loathes S now, but feels a responsibility to show him that God can forgive him (forgiveness for any sin being, of course, one of the main beliefs of Christianity) by being there for S no matter how much he hates the sight of him.We’ve been fighting about this almost non-stop for three days now.I can’t concentrate at work or school, and my husband just breaks down into sobs whenever we try to talk about it now.Meanwhile, S is practically waiting at the door to see if we are going to let him in.He calls four or five times a day to put pressure on my husband.This is destroying our marriage and I don’ t know what to do.I swear that I am not making this up.The only advice we’re getting is coming from people who are at least marginally involved and I really need an unbiased opinion.

Sincerely,
Frustrated and confused

Dear Frustrated,

Put your foot down.I don’t care if your husband wails and sobs; I don’t care if S winds up in a gutter somewhere.S is an adult, and he can shift for his own twisted ass.Tell your husband that S is not coming to stay with you – not for a week, not for a day, not for a minute and a half to use the bathroom.S is hardly in a position to school your husband on Christian values, particularly when he seems to equate “Christian forgiveness” with “free room and board.”He’s sick, and you don’t need that in your house.

Your husband can forgive S without knuckling under to S’s manipulative bullshit, so here’s what you do.

1) Sit your husband down and tell him that you will not have S in your house.Tell him that “there is no ‘or.'”The guy is a child molester, and you won’t have it, period.

2) Suggest that your husband talk to S and to tell him, “Look, I will follow the example set by Our Savior and forgive you your sins, but that’s all I can do for you right now – you’ll have to find someplace else to stay.”

3) Phone up your pastor and inform him that, since he seems to cherish such a great belief in S’s redemption, you would like him to find S a place to stay, because you wash your hands of S and anything to do with him save comforting A in her time of need.Then let him know that, due to his sadly misguided handling of the entire situation, you will no longer attend services at his church.

3) Urge your husband to get counseling – most decidedly NOT from the benighted pastor, either – to deal with his guilt and anger.

Your husband needs to grab a pair and tell S to fuck off.Yes, forgiveness is a Christian value.You and your husband need to forgive S, mean it, and slam the door in his face, forever.That asshole wants a place to stay, let him try jail.

[12/4/00]

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